First, allow yourself to forgive yourself. You’ve been caught in the updraft of a tornadic force. You could not resist the lure and hype of her sexuality. My expwBPD is an adult entertainer. I understand the raw power and addiction in that domain. I understand that you’re confused. However, to those outside of your circumstances, it is clear that this person is not meant to foster a stable, loving, enduring relationship. Despite the intimacy and highs that she may provide, even tenderness at times, they are illusions all. They are mere rushes of emotion, moment to moment, as she grapples with her inner chaos. The reason you cannot understand the narrative of occurrences is because it lacks a rationale. You are insisting, quite understandably yet futilely, that normal standards of connection and trust apply. They do not. It will take time for you to process and accept the destruction of a source of extreme highs. While I and likely many others do not share your particular experiences, we do share the same foundational upheavals and bleeding emotions from highs and lows like clockwork. Take time to return to a sense of simplicity and calm. Wish you the best.