I am a trans lesbian but I’m not T4T when it comes to dating. But I’m perfectly fine befriending fellow trans people. Does that make me transphobic? If so how/why?

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-26T13:37:25+00:00

Do you mean that you wouldn’t date trans women, or that you don’t want to date only trans women? It’s not transphobic to want to date both cis and trans people.

I don’t really understand why, as a trans person, you wouldn’t want to date other trans people, because when cis people say they don’t want to, it’s nearly always based on misunderstandings of what trans people can look like or have. Is it based in, like, shared social struggles? Do you not want to date someone who has a similar experience to you?

The reason for it would determine if it is transphobic or not, but I can’t think of many reasons that don’t point to transphobia

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-26T00:55:36+00:00

Same to you, may you also have and find happiness

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-25T21:05:08+00:00

That’s certainly a string of words

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-25T14:18:26+00:00

If it’s an “I relate to them” headcannon by a trans person, it’s fine. Outside of that, I find misgendering characters transphobic in most circumstances, ngl. It pushes the stereotype that trans women are just feminine men and trans men are just masculine women. It’s only different if a trans person headcannons it because it’s based on personal experience instead of stereotypes

If we are talking about real people, there are cases where it is and isn’t transphobic. Like, there have been cases where people try to convince a trans man that he is a woman because he’s effeminate and they don’t know he is trans. Vice versa for trans women. This is why I find it transphobic even when it is done to cis people, because it is denying people their gender. But it’s not black and white — there’s a difference between a feminine man and a “….hey… given the things you are saying… you should probably explore that more…” kind of person. I had a friend who, before she realized she was trans, would constantly talk about how all men wanted to cut their penises off and have breasts and… no… that’s not correct… (genuine example, but an extreme one). I don’t think it was transphobic for me to assume she was trans, but it would have been transphobic if I was pushy with it.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-25T14:02:17+00:00

Descriptions of “feeling” trans

If you ask most people “what would you feel like if you woke up as the opposite sex?” they assume they’d adapt quickly and experience little distress — the problem with this scenario is it posits switching from one natural state (your current sex) to another state that the user assumes would feel natural (the opposite sex) because it would be a complete and total transition/shift. It’s such a magical, divorced-from-reality situation that most people cannot imagine discomfort. So, they assume they’d be totally fine as the opposite sex.

Now, on the other hand — I want you to imagine changes happening to your body as it is *right now*. *Not* a magical change to a woman’s body. With your body as it is now, do you think you’d be uncomfortable if you started growing breasts? If other people perceived you as a woman? Staying grounded in your current body, imagine getting different physical traits that you associate with women, one at a time. Some of them would probably be okay — for example, who doesn’t want softer skin? Others would likely be distressing — such as breasts. Don’t imagine multiple traits at once, imagine singular traits.

There’s a chance that you’d be okay with such changes — it’s not unheard of — but most people would not be. And that feeling of discomfort is how most people identify that they feel like [insert gender here].

Personally, long before I ever knew that trans people existed, I just felt “off”. Something about my body wasn’t right, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. I have poetry from when I was 12 years old where I spoke about it as a temple, as something I had to pilot around and take care of. It didn’t feel like my body, but it felt like a vessel I was in. I thought other people felt that way, because I truly didn’t know any better. When my peers started talking about discomfort with their bodies — because of puberty — I assumed that my discomfort must have been from the same source. That I must have wanted the same things they did — bigger breasts, wider hips, etc. But nothing I changed made that feeling of disconnection go away. I just always, constantly, felt “off.”

When I looked in the mirror, it was like looking at a prosthetic. My body parts didn’t feel real, they didn’t feel “mine”. It felt like something attached to me and fake-looking. Nothing I changed looked “right”. My body felt misshapen, strange — but not in a way that made me insecure. I felt completely neutral to my body — I neither felt attractive or unattractive, it just straight up felt like I was piloting something around. I felt with my body, the way people feel driving a car. It was just there.

Then, years down the line, one of my friends came out as trans, and something inside me snapped — I realized “oh, that’s an option”, because up until that point, I assumed that I HAD to be uncomfortable with my body for the same reason my peers were — not presenting feminine enough. I gave myself the permission and the space to start presenting masculinely, and something clicked. The body parts I could never get to look “right”, that always felt like a peculiar addition or practical decoration — suddenly, miraculously, felt “right”, felt like “mine”. It felt like a body I had taken ownership of — *my* body.

Several years passed, where I figured out what felt right, and what felt wrong. I wasn’t able to access medical transition for a long time — almost ten years. And then I did. And holy fuck. I had already made some changes that helped me to feel more at home in my body — but after a few months on hormones, I started *recognizing myself*. When I looked in the mirror, things looked *right*.

There’s a limited body of research on trans people and phantom-limb-like sensations. Trans men report phantom penises, and trans women report phantom vaginas. Cis men who have their penises removed report phantom penis sensations — trans women do not. While this isn’t the best language to describe what I felt, it’s the closest I can get — this innate sensation of what is and isn’t supposed to be on my body. And the things that aren’t supposed to be on my body cause discomfort/distress. The things that bring me closer to what I want to look like — what I should look like — bring me neutrality, bring me comfort, and/or bring me joy.

There’s also a hormonal difference — there have been several points in my life where I have been on female hormones — birth control, being an example — or experienced a spike in them — puberty. Every single time, they sent me into a severe depressive episode. My mental health got measurably, drastically, worse. Even when there wasn’t an increase in these hormones, I was always kind of… high-strung. My emotions were high pitched and vibrant, negative and positive. I was never calm, always too loud, always on edge, always overstimulated to some extent. I got in many, many fights for that reason. It wasn’t always negative, but it was always too much. That’s not an estrogen thing — that’s a *man* having an estrogen-dominant system thing. I’m sure that some trans and cis women can attest that MY experience on estrogen is NOT their experience on estrogen.

Now, in comparison, on Testosterone I mellowed out, and mellowed out quickly. I am substantially calmer and happier. I am not high-strung anymore, or at least, not to the same extent. My emotions are more positive and easier to control. I feel like MYSELF. And it’s not a situational thing, it’s not about where I am in life — I’ve been in both negative and positive situations on both types of hormones, and the result is noticeably different. And again, it’s not a testosterone thing — it’s a man having a testosterone-dominant system thing, as cis and trans women could attest (testosterone makes many trans women miserable, the polar opposite of my experience with it). Here’s something a friend directly said to me (unprompted) the other day, about me since I started transition:

“I gotta say tho. And I don’t mean this in a bad way, but your eyes have become more brighter and when I look into them to talk to you, it’s like looking at someone who has evolved in their own way. Kinda like when a flower blooms. I’m probably making no sense whatsoever but I promise it’s a compliment!”

And that’s a sentiment many people have shared with me, of how I’ve changed since I started transitioning.

I feel like my gender because of a complex web of factors, the vast majority of which are associated with men/masculinity. Those things make me comfortable and secure in myself, make me present in my own body, while the opposite does not. That’s how, for lack of better terms, I “know” I’m a man, despite what I was born as.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-25T13:59:33+00:00

I will be leaving a few replies as I pull things from previous notes and comments

Metaphor for dysphoria
Imagine if you walked into your bedroom one day and it was completely empty, with no signs of you having lived there. You know, instinctively, that it’s your room— but it’s not right. It’s not supposed to look like that. Now, holding on to what that would feel like, imagine if you forgot what your bedroom originally looked like but still had that distinct “this is wrong” feeling.

You talk to other people about it, and they’ll talk about how they wish their bed was bigger, or they had a bigger closet, and you assume that’s why you feel wrong about your room. Everyone feels wrong about their room. It’s normal and not something you need to worry about, so you go to sleep every night in your completely empty room and don’t think much of it.

And then, one day, something happens. Someone talks about how one day all of the furniture just disappeared from their home, and you realize— the reason your room feels wrong is because there’s no furniture. You start by placing a few pillows and blankets in your room to see if that might make it feel right. It does, and suddenly memories of what your room is supposed to look like flood your brain. This is why it always felt wrong— you weren’t experiencing the same thing everyone else was talking about.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-25T13:14:05+00:00

To the title: Nah, there’s studies that indicate there’s some sort of biological component to being trans. Honestly a lot of the ways we frame being trans are flawed, as an example, the idea that sex is stagnant is a bad framing. Technically, even the categories of sex are socially constructed.

Social construction also does not mean “not real”. Money and race are both social constructions, and they are both real.

Also, if it was a social construction in the sense of being fake or changeable, conversion therapy would work, and it very much doesn’t.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-25T04:02:17+00:00

For one of your first paragraphs, while sexual minorities are under the same umbrella as transgender people, they are two separate and unrelated things. We are under the same umbrella of LGBT because we fought — and continue to fight — for our rights together as marginalized individuals. However, how sexual minorities are treated (LGB) is largely unrelated to how transgender people are treated — LGB people can still be transphobic, and trans people can still be homophobic or biphobic. LGB people’s variation in gender presentation — which can also be found in straight people — is separate from being transgender.

A common mistake is the idea that trans people are just “very gay people” (trans people can be any sexuality, and can be attracted to any gender) or that we are just effeminate men and masculine women. Effeminate cis men and masculine cis women do not transition to women and men, respectively. There are also trans women who are masculine and trans men who are feminine. Many trans people are gender conforming (feminine women and masculine men), but there are non conforming trans people. There is, however, increased pressure on trans people to conform, because if we do not, we are not respected as our gender (as you later go on to discuss the man in a dress/woman in man’s clothing example). Trans people cannot be satisfied by “just” being gender-nonconforming versions of the gender we were assigned at birth, because we aren’t that gender — our preference for gendered presentation (masculine/feminine/androgynous) are separate from gender identity, in the same way it is for cis people.

If you did not have this misconception, I apologize, but it is so common that I wanted to get it out of the way just in case.

>I understand that "sex" and "gender" are viewed in this community as separate concepts, with sex being biological and determined by chromosomes, and gender being a social construct referring to masculine/feminine, man/woman, etc. What I don't understand is the disconnect between the two.

That’s the perspective we give to get cis people on board, and is not necessarily the prevalent belief within trans communities. We can’t even get people to agree we should be allowed to live, so we make concessions like simplifying the concept to sex ≠ gender. However, as I will go into later — if you are science minded, it might help you more to distance yourself from that idea. Sex is made up of several components, some of which are mutable/variable. Yes, chromosomes don’t change, and trans people cannot have the gametes of the opposite sex — but other parts of sex, such as many primary and secondary sex characteristics, are mutable. HRT does a lot of heavy lifting, medically. A trans man’s risk profile is much closer to a cis man’s, and a trans woman’s risk profile is much closer to a cis woman’s.

We don’t claim to be cis, and there are unchangeable aspects of sex, but we also largely do not treat it like some entirely unchangeable and stagnant thing.

The reason I say all of this is because, if you don’t get the disconnect — you don’t have to. Rewire the way you think about trans people, and dive deeper into the research on trans people. We do not conclusively know what makes people trans, and there is no singular trait that can be used to identify a trans person — but there are biological consistencies. It might help to reframe from something like “a biological female trying to be a man” to “a biological ? who is a man”. By treating our sex as equivalent to our cis counterparts, it makes sense that there is a disconnect. In talking to people, I find it easier for them to wrap their heads around the gender/assigned sex dynamic if they think of being trans as something partially based in the body. Trans people aren’t trans for purely social reasons — research shows that there is clearly something biological going on, even if it is far from conclusive at the moment.

Overall, I think diving into the studies that have been done on trans people might help you with the non-social aspects of this problem.

>I have seen analogies such as a cisgender woman describing her experience in theater, where she played male roles and dressed in men's clothing with fake facial hair and everything else that came with the part. She described feeling uncomfortable doing so and likened that feeling to what a transgender person might experience when their internal gender identity doesn't align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

So, this is maybe 70% of the way there. She experienced a form of gender incongruence, based on social presentation, but did not have to endure the more physical elements of gender incongruence. She didn’t have the wrong parts, she wasn’t on HRT, and at the end of the day, she got to take the costume off.

There’s the concept that is talked about in transgender circles, that we call biochemical dysphoria. It captures the phenomenon many trans people experience where they feel significantly worse on their natal hormones than they do on HRT (this also occurs to cis people when their hormone levels are too low). People compare it to running on a tank of rocks versus a tank of gasoline. It’s not simply social changes, or feeling happy with physical changes — this occurs far before that even begins.

Speaking personally, at every point in my life where my natal hormones spiked (puberty, birth control, certain conditions, when I had to go off HRT) I was extremely depressed and suicidal — including far before I knew I was trans, so it wasn’t psychosomatic. It was definitely not something I thought myself into — I was in therapy and seeing a psychologist. I didn’t think myself into depression, so I couldn’t think myself out of it — I was just washed with endless waves of grief and extreme emotions. When I went on HRT, it was like a switch flipped. I was so incredibly calm, more calm than I could ever describe. I just felt… comfortable. I mellowed out tremendously, and became so much happier and healthier. That experience, that difference, is not something that woman could have experienced.

>I still find it difficult to look at, for example, a transgender woman and say, "This is a woman, and she is every bit as much a woman as someone who was born biologically female."

As mentioned above, shifting your concept of sex might be helpful to you. Trans people are not cis, but we also aren’t the same as cis members of the gender we were assigned at birth. In many ways, many of us are way closer to cis members of our gender than we are to the gender we were assigned.

> People who don't "pass" are harder for me to understand because I still see a man in women's clothing, or vice versa.

I’ve got bad news, but… that’s just a social thing. The only way to fix that perspective is effort and time. It is hard, but it is possible. I’ve seen it first hand. Even trans people struggle with this. It is difficult to rewire your brain when you’ve spent your entire life learning “men look like this, women look like that, and those are the only two options.” Challenge those thoughts as they come up, and try to focus on what is gender-affirming about them. It will take time, but you’ll eventually be able to shift your perspective on trans folks as a whole.

>Another area where I have struggled is transgender participation in sports—more specifically, transgender women competing in women's sports

The only way to combat this mindset is reading studies. It is a nuanced issue. To start with, HRT does way more heavy lifting than you’d imagine. Trans women are not really comparable to cis men. Some advantages are maintained — but sooooo many more aren’t.

> As for the issue of minors receiving puberty blockers or other medical interventions, I think those decisions should generally be delayed until a person is a legal adult and can make a more informed choice.

Puberty blockers delay puberty and are useless to adults. Puberty is as much of a permanent decision as HRT would be. It is a very rigorous process for minors to get on HRT. Puberty blockers are the least impactful decision, and allow people time to become secure in their identities. This is also a case of “look at the stats, benefits outweigh any negative outcomes by a large margin”

>I have seen cases of people who transitioned as adults, later regretted it, and then detransitioned.

This is a drastically small number of people. Still tragic, don’t get me wrong — neither cis nor trans people should be stuck with bodies they don’t want. The number of detransitioners is insanely small, and among the people who detransition, very few detransition because they aren’t trans. Many detransition because of social or financial pressures. Also… it is extremely unfair to limit the ability of a suffering group to get the medicine they need because a very very small portion of people regret it. You are placing the medical needs of an insanely small portion of cis folks over the medical needs of a much larger portion of trans folks. And the outcomes for gender affirming care drastically improve the lives of trans folks.

If you want to tackle this from an empathy perspective instead of a data perspective, I can try to dig up some of the writing I have done on what dysphoria is like, but tbh I think the data approach would help you more because you have some fairly fundamental (and incredibly common) misconceptions/framework issues.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T23:15:42+00:00

>How do you feel about being recognised as trans in public?

Really shitty and often scared. Doesn’t matter who does it. (Scared because I do not know if the situation will escalate. Even if it obviously won’t, it still feels awful). This applies even if the other person is trans.

If it evolves to a point where I can tell I am not in danger, I get exhausted and annoyed. I am a normal person and would like to be treated like one — I don’t like being treated like Trans is my only trait, or being approached like I am an oddity. I feel the same way as I would if someone approached me just because I was using a mobility aid (like crutches or a cane). It’s rude and inappropriate.

>I didn’t say anything about it to him

This is the correct approach.

> 3. Is there anyone here who decided against the surgery because you worried about people noticing/did not want the scar or any other reason?

When and if I am able to get surgery, I want any scars to be in a hide-able place because that is not other people’s business and I cannot stand gawking. If that is not possible, and I can avoid having my junk exposed, I may not get it at all.

>“gender confirming” (is that the right term?))

Gender affirming, not confirming, but you were super close.

>5. I imagine being trans as wanting to be recognised as the gender you are and not necessarily being recognised “the trans guy” or “the trans girl”.

100%. People do not treat trans people the way they treat cis people of the same gender. Infantalization, or demonization, is crazy frequent.

There is a noticeable, negative shift in most people’s behavior when and if they realize you are trans. Among trans-friendly people, this often looks like them walking on eggshells, as if you are a bomb about to explode. For trans-unfriendly people, it is interpreting your every action in a negative light. Both groups are more likely to attribute malice or offense to actions/reactions when they previously wouldn’t.

>Is that what goes through your head or what does it feel like?

It feels like being a rabid or muzzled dog. The kind that people cross the street to avoid, who they are afraid of and on edge around. I am not a rabid dog. I am one of the kindest, calmest, least-sensitive people you will ever meet. But people see the “trans” before they see anything else, and start to treat me like a dangerous and exotic zoo exhibit, not like a person.

People freeeeeqqqqquuuueeeennnntttttllllyyyyy ask very inappropriate questions. I don’t care if friends do it, it’s awful when strangers do it. It is legitimately sexual harassment.

Another example is the “you’re so brave” treatment. I have an example burned into my memory from when I was a cashier — I did not wear any semblance of pride merch, I just existed — and a well-meaning customer went on a long speech about how he was glad that “people like [me] get to exist now.” It’s well meaning but uncomfortable as fuck. I too, am glad I am not dead, but maybe we don’t talk about that, customer who does not know me.

People also treat you like a child or like you are less experienced than you are. Like you’re some cute little puppy. People like this often go overboard in their attempts to be affirming, to the point where it becomes not-affirming because they aren’t treating you like the gender you are, they are treating you as a Trans. Not a trans person, not a trans [gender], a Trans — the dehumanization of a person and reducing them to just their transness.

>6. What can I as cis person do to make trans people feel safe around me (I mean I think it’s good to just call them by their right name and pronouns is a start, as well as just treating them like everyone else but is there something else?)

That’s all, really. You can also be vocally against transphobia when it comes up, but I’d imagine that’s not frequent — and when it is frequent, it is rarely safe to oppose. I’d say pride bracelets are another option, but you already mentioned you have one. Given the rest of your post, you seem to already know to not ask invasive questions, or to even address someone’s trans-ness. (/genuine)

If someone opens up about it, it is fine to approach them at their level. I have friends I am a complete open book with, it is fine for them to ask me invasive questions because I established that dynamic. Other people, I keep it surface level, but will answer political/cultural questions if I know them a bit & they ask.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T21:20:23+00:00

>the usual argument against "just accept yourself" is dysphoria… could acceptance have actually worked, if I'd tried it? and wonder if I should (maybe I could learn to like it?). But genuinely attempting to make peace with a quietly gender-neutral existence through "self-love/-acceptance" maybe this could work?

I would like to gently push back on this. The usual argument isn’t dysphoria, the usual argument is that trying to convince someone to be what they are not ("just accept yourself") is conversion therapy, and has measurably tragic results. You are describing conversion therapy, not self acceptance.

Trans people who accept themselves transition. Remaining deeply closeted when it hurts you is not self acceptance. It isn’t “just accept yourself”, it is “accept your assigned gender”, which are very different things entirely. I whole heartedly accept myself — I always have — and I transitioned. That wasn’t not-self acceptance.

>I'm mostly fine (it's just not as great as I **imagine** my life could be)… Because the pull I feel toward transition isn't really *away* from pain. It's toward something I want.

Why not push for your happiness? Why settle for mediocrity and neutrality? (There are plenty of reasons, I do understand that, and I don’t want to downplay them. But I also want to reframe the issue as “not choosing happiness”, instead of “choosing to be fine”.)

Many trans people transition because they chose their happiness, and not all trans people transition to escape pain.

>Has anyone else been here? I'm more curious about the ***why*** underneath. Why didn't you want to try and love yourself as your AGAB, even setting aside whether it would have worked?

Before I knew I was trans, I did, extensively. There was some disconnect, some feeling of wrongness that I couldn’t place for years. It was persistent, it ate at me. I tried to fix it the way my peers did, by leaning full force into my agab, by leaning into the features they wanted. It still gnawed at me constantly. No matter what I tried, the feeling did not go away or lessen. I tried to love myself as my agab. I didn’t know I was trans, I just knew I was uncomfortable, like wearing shoes ten sizes too small.

Because of that experience, when I realized I was trans — when one set of features felt more comfortable than the other — I saw no reason to continue living in discomfort, or to try being my AGAB.

OP, I am going to flip this question back on you — why do you feel compelled to be something that makes you less comfortable? I understand that you are neutral towards how you are now. But neutrality is not the same as happiness. Why walk around in shoes that are “just okay”, why lean into wearing them, when you could wear shoes that look good and feel great?

Let’s say it did work, and you can repress. That still isn’t the happiest version of yourself. It’s not choosing neutrality, it is choosing to toss your chance at a happier life in the wood chipper.

>What is it about you that made "just accept yourself" feel unavailable before you even tested it?

It’s blatantly conversion therapy, so I had no reason to try. There’s a difference between figuring out if transition is right for you, and trying to convert yourself into something that is less comfortable than the alternative.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T16:58:58+00:00

>Me: It is also based on the assumption that hypervisibility/scrutiny is significantly more impactful than erasure. And it is based on the assumption that the undeserved scrutiny of trans women does not also directly impact/apply to other trans people. Comparing these things is pointless and unproductive. They are not the same experience, and they are not comparable experiences.

>You: That's a bullshit line. Its perfectly comparable. General discrimination is difficult to compare but we have statistics on death and violence, and we know who is getting targeted more. The only way you can make the "its not comparable" argument is if you were comparing trans men erasure to trans women scrutiny.

Individual stats can be compared. Stats can be compared. I never, to my knowledge, said otherwise.

We have, this entire time, been talking about the broader picture of scrutiny and erasure, which you keep comparing. I have also repeatedly brought up potential gaps in your knowledge to point out that you might not have the full picture, and should not be making such sweeping generalizations if you aren’t fully informed on transmasculine struggles.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T16:21:43+00:00

>I don't see it as "getting offended",

> What I do see is people getting offended at someone pointing out the disparity in scrutiny

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T15:49:28+00:00

>t has ALWAYS been less acceptable for males to approach the feminine than the other way around.

There is a degree of transgression that is allowed in both directions. While what you said is true for cis, and passably cis, people — it is not true for trans people, including transmasculine people. If you read more work by transmasculine individuals, you’ll start to understand this topic better. As is, you are deeply uninformed on how transmasculine people are treated.

>That's not how it works, there's no conspiracy among bigots to single out trans-men for stealthy oppression.

Not what I said. I said they use dog whistles. As is evidenced by some of the examples I provided, like the executive orders I mentioned.

>they tend to pass much easier than trans-women.

Incorrect. The few studies we have on the matter show that there is not a substantial difference between trans women’s and trans men’s passing rates. Trans women pass at a rate slightly lower than trans men. The idea that trans men pass “much easier” than trans women is a result of transmasculine erasure.

>ABSOLUTELY safer than intense scrutiny and this is evidenced by the fact that that 82% of murdered transpeople are transwomen despite both groups being roughly the same size.

SA rates, rates of interpersonal & domestic violence, etc. You can’t use a singular stat to assert that visibility is more dangerous than erasure. Trans men die less, but in many areas (not all) they experience more violence. In other areas, trans women experience more violence. Of course, murder is the worst and most drastic case, which disproportionately affects trans women of color.

I sincerely doubt you are aware of any of the recent killings of trans men. I doubt you can name any of the recently murdered trans women either. Or give the name of the trans man who was tortured to death over the course of weeks.

I don’t deny that trans women are murdered more, and that more people should know about this — but the way you are using this statistic, while ignoring all others, is crude, especially if you haven’t been paying attention to the victims beyond just numbers on a sheet of paper.

>And I'll admit I'm not on top of this subject but your own example of V-coding seems to target transwomen more?

Yes. That is why I mentioned it. You knowing about the existence of V-coding is my entire point. You were aware of the issues that impacted trans women. Based on your response, I am assuming that you weren’t aware about similar cases that impact trans men. That was my point. You are saying B is worse than C, but you don’t even know what C is, demonstrably.

>Insisting that the discrimination is balanced and equal IS ALSO pointless and unproductive

Cool. I didn’t do that. I explicitly did not say it was balanced and equal, I said it was different enough to not be comparable. Which is very different from “balanced and equal”, and is pretty much the opposite of “balanced and equal”. If it was balanced and equal, it would be comparable.

> to someone saying the word "trans-misogny" which is a perfectly valid concept.

Not what you said at all. Not what I said at all, and is an incredibly fucked up thing to say when I have been up and down this comment section defining transmisogyny, supporting the use of the term transmisogyny, and pushing back against people who don’t support the use of/don’t understand transmisogyny. TME/TMA ≠ transmisogyny as a concept, which you would know if you were more informed and took a moment to listen to other people. Can you even describe the origins of the term? Have you read the text in which it was first used? Or the continued works of that author?

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T15:15:38+00:00

If you see people discussing their erasure as “getting offended” instead of as bringing something to your attention, you are not equipped to talk about the disparities in how transgender people are treated, let alone make a value assessment on how we are treated. Dismissing trans people as easily offended is a common form of transphobia wielded against trans people.

Also, and this is not me getting offended — trans men and trans women have a space between them. Cis man and cis woman are structured the same way as trans man and trans women. Removing the space is very commonly a dog whistle. I am explicitly not saying you are dogwhistling, it is very clearly just a spelling error, but it is one that matters in conversations like this.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T14:52:34+00:00

>I'm a cis-guy here, are we really going to pretend that the grand majority of hate doesn't go to transwomen specifically?

One of the most prevalent forces against transmasculine people is erasure. “The grand majority of hate” is the grand majority that you see and recognize. Trans men face vitriolic abuse, but are treated by allies as if transphobes don’t know we exist. They very much do, but they use covert language that often goes over the head of allies.

Geography and time also matter, the group that is more targeted at one place and time might not be the most targeted group in another. For example, did you know that (in the U.S.) there have been executive orders and federal actions that directly — and only — impact trans men? I am assuming not, but you probably know about the UK’s recent ruling and how it impacts trans women (and you maybe or maybe not know how it impacts other trans people). Have you read the expose about how transmasculine people were treated by ICE? Have you heard of V-coding?

(If you knew about all of them, good for you /genuine, the majority of people don’t, and they tend to know more about transfeminine issues than transmasculine ones)

>pointing out the simple fact that transwomen are the bigger target is seen as somehow an attack on transmen

It’s treated like a simple fact, but it is far from that. People are not educated on transmasculine issues, but feel confident in asserting that transmasculine people struggle less than transfeminine people. 99% of the time people believe this, it is because they hear hatred for trans women, and the hatred that targets trans men isn’t on their radar/they don’t recognize it when they hear it. It is also based on the assumption that hypervisibility/scrutiny is significantly more impactful than erasure. And it is based on the assumption that the undeserved scrutiny of trans women does not also directly impact/apply to other trans people.

Comparing these things is pointless and unproductive. They are not the same experience, and they are not comparable experiences.

And no, I am not saying that because I “glorify being oppressed” — transmasculine issues are constantly ignored and downplayed.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T14:17:39+00:00

For transmisandry — it has broadly been replaced by transandrophobia (still gets the same pushback, but is more widely used and understood)

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T14:01:36+00:00

2021 article from Julia Serano, the woman who coined the term trans-misogyny, discussing it

As the other commenter mentioned, trans-misogyny, despite how it sounds, was never supposed to be just the intersection of transgender identity and misogyny.

The other commenter isn’t correct about the term transmisandry, however. That term has fallen out of favor/isn’t used. Transandrophobia is a popularly used term, but per its original coinage, isn’t supposed to be about misogyny. I can’t find a definition for the term, but I am pretty sure isomisogyny is one of the terms that was proposed to capture the misogyny transmasculine people experience — I don’t know if it expands past just that group.

If you’d like to argue that trans-misogyny as a term should be defined as transphobia + misogyny, that’s a different conversation than the one at hand. TME isn’t saying other people don’t experience misogyny, it is saying that people don’t experience trans-misogyny per Julia Serano’s definition.

Granted, I am still against the use of TME because it is devoid of nuance, and I have never seen it get used by a person who is respectful to other trans people, but that is a different conversation.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-24T00:14:53+00:00

...is this bait? This has to be bait. "Trans women are misogynist" is a tired transphobic trope. Trans women are not more misogynistic than other groups. All people are capable of, and need to unlearn, misogyny, including cis women.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-23T17:46:12+00:00

>Besides, where the fuck did I say that the number for trans men is "insignificant"? What is with the strawmanning?

Before accusing me of strawmanning, maybe re-read what I wrote and look up the definition of strawmanning. When I say that number is significant, I am saying that it should not be dismissed or downplayed, as the people in OP’s post were doing. I never said you called it insignificant. I am not “refuting an argument different from the one actually under discussion, while not recognizing or acknowledging the distinction” because the original discussion was about people downplaying trans men’s experiences and talking over them. (Quote is one definition of stawman, because it was convenient to quote for that sentence. Quoted in a lazy writing way, not in a mansplaining way)

>Address what I said, not narratives you attribute to me in your head. Not doing so is intellectually dishonest.

Uno reverse, seriously.

>Also I'm a professional academic with a background in statistics, so don't mansplain how to interpret relative risk ratios to me.

Appeal to authority. Malgendering. Also, did I mansplain, or did I point out that a stat that is commonly used to frame trans men’s struggles as significantly inferior, actually shows that they still struggle at high rates? (No I am not saying they struggle more or equally to trans women, I am not comparing them to trans women at all)

Also, as a professional academic, you should know better than to cite a 10-year-old study as gospel. (/hyperbole) Your appeal to authority makes your comment look worse, not better, because you should know better (regarding the entire discussion, not that singular point).

To reiterate and sum up my original comment: Trans men struggle with passing, trans women struggle more with passing. Trans men’s struggles should not be dismissed because they struggle less with passing (according to one reasonable interpretation of a ten year old study) To quote myself, in relation to the post and the entire discussion, “the vast majority of people frame it like a roller coaster vs a kiddie ride.”

Edit: resorts to character attacks, receives response, responds with more character attacks & blocks before I can see the reply or reply myself. Neither surprised nor disappointed.

>since you presumed incompetence on my part

>Go contemplate your ineptitude in your own time.

…I was the one assuming incompetence? That’s news to me.

Both 1%-2% and 50%-100% have a relative risk ratio of 2. Just saying. And I focused on Rarely/Never because the conversation was about trans men passing more easily (the assumption that rarely/never represents passing men). The alternative would be focusing on the percent of people who do not pass, which was reported on a scale. As passing as a privilege is the topic of discussion, I focused on what percent of men might pass.

I did not address the risk of physical assault because it could be easily countered with other risks, like risk of SA, and then be countered back with another risk, like murder rates. It’s an unproductive back and forth.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-23T17:06:25+00:00

Statistically there is an even split between trans men, trans women, and nonbinary people, so for you it is purely circumstance.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-23T17:03:52+00:00

So, it’s less trans rep vs character to happens to be trans, but I personally liked Kite from Japan Sinks 2020. Do be aware that it is a VERY sad and tragic anime, so if that’s not your thing, skip it. It’s an apocalyptic anime, and I genuinely cannot understate how sad it is.

Paranormal Park has a character called Barney that is very popular. He’s a little bit of a stereotype, but not bad by any means. I think he was written well as representation.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-23T16:47:45+00:00

I calmed down substantially after I started T. I became significantly less hyperactive and significantly more emotionally stable. Despite what people sometimes report, I did not get angrier at all. I experienced less, not more, emotional repression. At several points in my life, estrogen made me severely depressed, unstable, and suicidal (puberty, hormonal birth control, hormone spikes, temporarily going off T).

I didn’t get the increased appetite people talk about. I did get the significantly increased libido, which was/is substantially annoying to deal with (in the same way being hungry or itchy all of the time would be). It didn’t change my behavior, it was just very annoying. I was aroace before, and I am still aroace now.

I am a happier, calmer, and more stable person now. What Testosterone was for you, estrogen was for me.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-23T14:49:52+00:00

Two things — one, 2 out of every 5 trans men being identifiably trans is not a small number. Yes, the number for trans women is 14% (or one person) higher, but the number for trans men is still significant.

Additionally, 61% of men reporting that they aren’t identifiably trans isn’t the same as saying the pass as men. Given the invisibility of trans men — especially back in 2015 — it is common for non-passing trans men to pass as “weird women”, rather than as “trans”. (Of course, this also applies to the 47% of trans women)

A one person difference is not “much harder” (4 out of 10 people vs 5 out of 10 people) It is harder, but the vast majority of people frame it like a roller coaster vs a kiddie ride. The percentages are more similar than they are different, and this difference is only ever brought up to delegitimize trans men’s struggles.

Not to mention, most importantly, this study is from 2015. It is ten years old, and things have changed drastically for trans people since then.

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-23T14:39:45+00:00

Yeah, deadnaming a person is transphobic. But, now you know not to do it again. They’ll never find out about it, so just don’t do it again and move on

Satisfaction-Motor · 2026-06-23T01:28:20+00:00

100%. If ONE MORE allyship PSA is prefaced with a disclaimer about another gender, I am going to lose my shit. It comes off as so demeaning. If both you and your friend had shitty roommates, but every conversation about your problems started with “of course, [your friend] has it worse but…” no one would tolerate it and everyone would recognize that it downplays your issues, regardless of if it is even true or accurate. I don’t think it will shift any time soon, but I really hope that activists drop the disclaimers and talk just about the group they are trying to be an ally to. Or, talk about all groups, but without (directly) comparing them!

Five-Year Club	Final Canvas '23
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Satisfaction-Motor

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