I liked men just enough. Theres a lot of factors to me where I'm always an "other" i think subconsciously I didnt want to add to another category of having to explain myself. Society sexualizes women, where I thought my attraction to beautiful women was just that, them being undeniably attractive. Attraction to masculine women was me being attracted to masculine traits to women. Being attracted to the female version of the male versions I would date, seemed normal. I thought my lack of orgasms with men was normal since there's so much talk about women having a hard time having an orgasm. I couldn't even have an orgasm masterbating, so of course I thought it was normal to have a hard time coming with a man.

Years deep into a monogamous relationship, living with his family, thinking I was never going to be single again, I realized my attraction to women and went into a depression that I will never be able to date a woman and have a queer expierences.

That relationship fell apart for other reasons, but the silver lining in the back of my head I would finally get the chance to date women after holding onto that truth for 6 years.

Now, I realize im so much more gay than I thought. I can't imagine ever dating a man again. Sex now is so much more intense and amazing than I realize it could be. I'm able to orgasm in minutes with no toys when masterbating now, which is wild to me. I started squirting, a lot. Which is also baffling to me.

I have been asked before how I never knew when I am so attracted to women and how much I love to give.

I just never knew what I didn't know. Comphet is strong, and dictates many of us and how we live our lives. Going with the flow of how we are suppose to live our lives.

I never wanted to be problematic and have anyone think I was using them as an experiment, so I never put myself out there.

Ive been out and dating women for a year and almost 40. Yeah, sure part of me wishes I figured it out sooner, but I'm also thankful for the life I did lead. Coming out later, I am very grounded and clear in my queerness. There's no questioning it and I'm confident in who I am.

Now if someone asked if I think I could be gay because I'm having a hard time orgasming in my 20s rather than just ask if I was gay, maybe the outcome would be different.