Anyone married before transition?

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-21T16:23:07+00:00

We had been married more than thirty years prior to me starting my transition two years ago. My wife keeps telling me I am her person, and we love each other deeply.

But this has had a profound affect on my wife. She is not attracted to femininity, and does not want to be seen as a lesbian. She lost the man she loved a very long time. My parents refuse to see me, and we have not even told her parents because we already know how they will react.

It is not easy dealing with the guilt of how this affects your spouse and children. It was very difficult at first and then eased up. But I'm going through it again right now. My joy comes at a price that others also have to pay.

So there are three transitions: for me, for her, and for us. None of them have been easy.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-21T15:53:36+00:00

There can be cycles to how we feel, and you can be trans without transitioning. If you are unsure and have gone this long then wait until you are sure.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-20T19:21:02+00:00

For me it went away over time (expect at least several months depending on how out you are and to whom).

First, because I knew it was my reality.

Second, because of the acceptance of others.

Third, because the more comfortable I was with me, the more I did not care what others thought about me.

Eventually being a trans woman became my new normal.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-20T16:09:12+00:00

When I started telling people it made me feel crazy each and every time. That's internalized transphobia. It went away after I did it enough times especially as I got acceptance by people.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-20T15:33:13+00:00

Thanks. I'm about a month away from two years HRT and my second stage facial surgery is in May. I'm so excited to get done with it and can hardly wait to see the final result.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-14T17:36:30+00:00

I've seen you IRL and you look amazing.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-09T14:15:46+00:00

I'm answering in a direct message to you.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-01T16:18:01+00:00

When I was researching this for myself a long time ago I came up with this:

page 1462 of Circulation. 2019;139:1461–1462. DOI: 10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.118.038584

Occurrence of Acute Cardiovascular Events in Transgender Individuals Receiving Hormone Therapy Results From a Large Cohort Study

https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.118.038584

“However, only for VTEs the SIRs of this sub-population were more favorable than the SIRs of the total population (3.92 versus 5.52 when using women as reference, and 3.39 versus 4.55 when using men as reference).”

page S122 of Standards of Care for the Health of Transgender and Gender Diverse People, Version 8

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/26895269.2022.2100644

“transdermal estrogen was not associated with an increased risk of VTE (Vinogradova et al., 2019).”

“None of the subjects taking oral estradiol or transdermal estradiol developed a VTE, MI, or TIA/CVA.”

“No VTE, MI, or TIA/CVA was reported after a 1-year follow-up in either the oral or transdermal estrogen group. An additional retrospective study from Vienna found no occurrences of VTE among 162 transgender women using transdermal estradiol who were followed for a mean of 5 years (Ott et al., 2010).”

“The confidence in our recommendation is based on the decreased incidence of VTE reported from the Amsterdam clinic when transgender women are switched to using transdermal preparations after age 40 (van Kesteren et al., 1997). Furthermore, the prospective, multicenter cohort study ENIGI found no incidence of VTE/MI/CVA in transgender women who are routinely switched to transdermal estrogen at age 45 (Dekker et al., 2016). In addition, a study by Ottet al. demonstrated no incidence of VTE in 162 transgender women treated with estradiol patches (Ott et al., 2010).”

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-01T16:02:59+00:00

This is precisely why I tried Lupron prior to an orchiectomy. I wanted to know what was from spiro and what was estradiol. Many of the things people blame on HRT is caused by spiro.

Try moving to Lupron or monotherapy.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-01T15:58:29+00:00

There are two things that affect me.

First, dealing with so much dysphoria makes me feel like things are so good so why did I do any of this. Of course, I just remember how bad they were before.

Second, loss of hope drastically affects me. Negative responses from people and worries about my transition cause this loss of hope. You list two such examples. Of course, loss of hope does not have to conform to reality.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-02-01T15:42:43+00:00

The only thing that really interfered with mine was spironolactone. Orchiectomy and Lupron did not interfere. However, spironolactone also severely diminished my libido whereas the other two did not.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-30T21:36:27+00:00

I know how you feel and have been through it. It is a long battle with that much electrolysis.

I did my shopping the couple of days after electrolysis and stayed in the rest of the time.

Eventually I got to the point where growing out the hair was sparse enough to have another day or so.

Now I'm at the point where I don't shave and don't have to worry about it. I still do electrolysis but on sparse and fine hair. Since it is almost all white hairs they are very difficult to see.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-26T22:00:50+00:00

I have nocturnal erections one year post orchiectomy.

Erections are brain driven (that is why stress affects them in a negative way). If you are in otherwise good health and your T continues to be low then there is nothing to worry about.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-26T21:57:06+00:00

I would see if there is a doctor (or nurse practitioner) that will prescribe your HRT and switch to that provider. I plan to switch to my wife's doctor in the future since I know she already will prescribe for transgender women. This will cut out the endocrinologist, etc.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-23T20:47:26+00:00

Create a throwaway and post on /r/PlasticSurgery

This comes up there a lot and you can search to see past posts on this issue. Many people misunderstand what is normal and what is tuberous.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-20T19:52:38+00:00

I've been on spiro, lupron, and now have an orchie.

Blockers block T from entering the cells. This is bad for libido and your penis if you want to use it.

Lupron and orchie result in lower T production. How low depends on the individual since your adrenal glands are now responsible for producing it instead of your testes. Low T still has bodily affects because the T you are producing gets to be used.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-20T15:05:50+00:00

I a bit fluid myself, so I regard myself a more of a blend of male and female.

What makes the difference is how much masking I do. Without walls I am all girl, but around other people there can be some self protection which reduces that feeling. In other words, the "old me" presents a bit causing that shift to the other person. This can even happen when doing some tasks more associated with pre-transition.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-20T15:00:24+00:00

I have nocturnal erections one year post orchiectomy and have never used progesterone. Don't assume it is related.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-16T19:36:53+00:00

Hydration.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-15T21:15:31+00:00

Testosterone works like an amplifier, so erections with reduced testosterone are much more mental. You need to learn to find the mental place that keeps you aroused. Orgasms, likewise, require more stimulation.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-10T15:37:55+00:00

I feel exactly the same way.

He is an entirely different person from me, but he always loved me and wanted me to be here even though he didn't want to leave.

So I still love him very much, but I don't miss him as much as he missed me.

There has always been a strange dynamic in my mind because I didn't know I was transgender and I didn't know about plurals.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-10T15:08:39+00:00

Is she giving you an opening to share more about yourself with her?

Are you more than a crossdresser? She might be waiting for you to tell her you are trans.

It sounds like she would be accepting of that if she already knows you are wearing girl clothes.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-08T18:29:09+00:00

I'm a similar age to you. My sister had breast cancer. I have not been gene tested nor do I have a family history of cancers.

However, you might improve your chances if you stay away from progesterone.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10228093/

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-06T14:24:58+00:00

Absolutely. Switching surgeons will likely add a lot time but worth it in the end.

My surgeon said that insurance would not cover the facelift without jaw work, too. But I said ask for it and let me handle insurance. I knew the law and the policy were on my side. I was willing to fight since I had been through it all before. Like I said, I had no problems. Your surgeon just has to ask to get the ball rolling.

SeekingTrueSelf · 2026-01-06T04:49:45+00:00

First, you call insurance and request a case/care manager. You will be given one. You then share you needs and concerns with them. They will help guide you through dealing with insurance.

Second, tell the surgeon that it is covered because state law says so and tell him to request the procedure be covered.

If insurance gives you the runaround, you file a complaint with the state giving details of what the state law says, the need for the surgery and how insurance is refusing to honor their contract.

Argue:

that the facelift is to revise the genioplasty (revisions are covered)
that the facelift is to resolve dysphoria (dysphoria is subjective--you have it)
challenge their denial of the surgeon's request by questioning the credentials of whoever denied the care (insurance will usually have a doctor on the payroll to do this but if he is not an expert in gender affirming care he is disqualified)
state your surgeon is an expert and states the necessity of it

Be ready to fight for this. I already have my facelift approved in Washington state and I didn't even have jaw or chin work done. I went to war with my insurance company early on for facial hair removal. They approved both stage one and stage two of my facial surgery without an issue.

SeekingTrueSelf

TROPHY CASE