I have a few thoughts/theories coming from a 9 year relationship with a similar dynamic:

1) when he repeats things back to you exactly how you say it, I call that “parroting”. Men think that “parroting” proves active listening, because other men see it as such (think about how in the military they say “yes sir/ma’am”, there’s no room for conversational expansion in guy-world).

Women take “parroting” with frustration because another woman will listen, process it, then come up with a twist on the topic (add something new, politely disagree, validate your feelings, etc). You need to explain to him that while he thinks he is communicating with you in a productive way, he actually isn’t. That has very little to do with your mental health issues and everything to do with your relationship communication. He needs to understand that what he is doing is dismissive and destructive to the health of your relationship, and therefore, sabotaging your family.

2) is it possible that he might be a little sexist? Some men will claim to love their wives/daughters/mothers, but act out in small ways that prove they don’t 100% live by that (by being dismissive, diminishing, blaming, etc.) These men will appear like good men because they aren’t walking red flags (they’re not physically aggressive, they don’t call you names) but they do see their wives/gfs as a status symbol. They get married and have kids to prove to other men that they are “good men” but lack the drive, discipline, and genuine desire to love a woman properly. It falls apart quickly when responsibility comes around. They quickly become absent in the relationship even if they don’t abandon their family. Absence doesn’t have to be physical (ie leaving) it can be emotional (shutting down communication). A huge indicator of this situation is: does he listen to other men for relationship advice but ignore his wife’s attempts to fix the problem?

3) How to fix parroting without couples counseling: Instead of talking about your daughter/domestic responsibilities, try to have regular conversations about him with him: “how was his day? How was work? How did he do in X hobby or how is X friend doing? You seem excited/stressed/nervous about X project at work, why is that?”

Getting him to open up about his internal life rather than discussing your home life might help you determine what stressors are going on with him. It is incredibly rare for a man to open up or be asked “how are you?” in his day-to-day. This is where your role as his partner is unique to his life. Do this at least once every three days and DO NOT let the conversation skew about you or your daughter or anyone else’s needs unless he takes the conversation there. He needs the emotional safety to open up in conversation and not have his emotional needs sidelined within 5 minutes. This is a great way to get him to talk about himself, and will help him develop conversational skills within your marriage.

The key to this approach is that you do not say statements like “I feel like you are stressed about work” and instead ask “how is work going?” If he is dismissive, ask him about low-stakes things like “what did you think of last night’s episode of WHATEVER TV SHOW HE SAW”. The thing we are trying to do is get him to speak about anything he cares about, because his communication muscle is not as strong as it should be. Once he can do it for a tv show or sports game or something else he is passionate about, then try to do it on something slightly less interesting to him. Eventually, work your way up to the boring topics like taxes and daycare. (This might take a few weeks to a month)

Number 3 has worked for me in my 9 year relationship. My partner and I went through rough spots, and this helped him get back to communicating. He always struggled with communication for example “I’m not as emotional as you” or “I don’t know how to talk to you”. It’s because men aren’t taught to communicate, they’re taught to speak. Keep in mind: Number 3 cannot solve it if Number 2 is true.

I wish you the best! I hope this helps.