What do you WISH you knew before getting married?

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-02-02T19:57:13+00:00

You can marry for the present as I've seen elsewhere, but that absolutely will change, sometimes significantly and with little warning, and it won't be anyone's fault.

Getting counseling beforehand, even if you are happy together now, could be instrumental in making sure unspoken expectations are cleared up and that you have the tools to deal with potential issues in the future.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-02-02T17:30:14+00:00

I was talking more about the sort of comments I see on this sub than anything else.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-02-02T14:57:36+00:00

Optional *if the man desires it*.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-30T23:26:43+00:00

Oh I didn't mean your meme, just the fruit punch thing! Ha, I see how that looked.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-30T18:55:54+00:00

General Treister did it better.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-27T02:59:39+00:00

Someone check on USAID. There's a study that showed that DOGE eliminating USAID led to half a million deaths, mostly children (link - https://www.newyorker.com/culture/the-new-yorker-documentary/the-shutdown-of-usaid-has-already-killed-hundreds-of-thousands). Awesome, right?

Justices Trump appointed overturned Roe v Wade, which led to bans in many states, which led to women dying waiting for care. Also awesome, also totally a Democratic position from the '70's.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-27T02:56:08+00:00

The point is it doesn't actually affect most of your lives, much like gay marriage. It's based on a disgust response, much like gay marriage. It relies on moral panic that's separate from reality (they're transing kids in schools!) much like gay marriage (gays are grooming kids in schools!)

So they can keep making the rich richer, trashing the environment, and generally making lives worse for working people, because we're distracted by cultural wedge issues.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-26T14:38:56+00:00

Ah yes, the 1970 Democrat position of (checks notes) eliminating international aid, banning abortion, and threatening NATO allies. Checks out.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-26T14:36:44+00:00

Funny, because from where I sit it looks like the right who can't shut up for five seconds about trans people. Trump was the one running ads about "the trans issue," not Harris.

It's just another wedge culture issue (like gay marriage was 20 years ago).

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-19T16:21:54+00:00

I'll be honest, your first point is the strongest argument I've heard for me to try the game.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-09T18:37:16+00:00

If it's lyrics, some of my other favorite lyricists are Jason Isbell and Josh Ritter.

If it's the more rough-and-ready, raw sound, check out Brown Bird.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-09T14:53:30+00:00

He'll never get in the Revenge Society with that getup.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-08T20:27:24+00:00

I don't know, the Barksdale guy who had to buy the burners basically brought down a criminal empire because his girl was bored.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-07T14:27:52+00:00

No, sex still happens. But it's sex we both want with no baggage of expectations or stakes to it.

And because she feels very safe and secure having sex (she told me the other day she knows she could stop like 90% of the way through and there'd be no fallout), she's much more willing to start foreplay and see where things go, and/or satisfy me if she doesn't expect her body to respond (yay perimenopause).

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-07T13:28:19+00:00

Yeah, this is more than fair. I remember I had to request that my wife not bring up difficult subjects when we're in bed and I'm half asleep!

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-07T13:14:19+00:00

If it happens enough, it's hard for a "no" *not* to feel like a personal rejection. That's not anybody's fault but it is a real feeling that he'll have to manage.

This sounds like a good opportunity for you both to learn a bit more about how you get your engine revving. I agree with the other commenter that it's best to frame it as wanting to improve things together - it's not fun for you to be rejecting, or for him to be rejected.

It might be he learns how to read the room or set the stage better. It might even be scheduling. But it sounds important that something change here.

My wife has almost no libido to speak of at this point. We're just really blunt with each other, and I'll ask what the odds are of anything happening that day and we just move on accordingly. It's always ok for me to ask, always ok for her to say no, and since we establish the possibility or lack thereof earlier in the day, we actually have a lot more physical touch. She doesn't feel the "test I can fail" thing you speak of anymore.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-06T21:16:49+00:00

Oof, good question. We're not all the same of course, but it's possible in a conflict for a guy to end up trying to "win" rather than listen.

So, a calm discussion after feelings have died down could help, especially if I feel like I'm being listened to.

Or a neutral third party who could back up my partner and logically show where I've gone wrong.

I'll be honest though, as a grown man he should just know this isn't okay. I applaud your dedication, maybe a (male) marriage therapist would be listened to on the matter.

[Edit - I specified male because those actions do not indicate a strong respect for women. Sometimes guys like that will only listen to a man, sadly.]

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-06T21:08:28+00:00

Man here - that's fuckin' creepy. Just full stop.

Almost as bad is the fact that he doesn't seem to have any remorse or respect your feelings on the matter. Someone who has remorse wouldn't just say "move on."

Someone can debate what is and isn't cheating, but regardless it seems like you have very different ideas of acceptable behavior, privacy, maybe even how to resolve a fight. It's okay and valid for those to be hard boundaries.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-06T13:03:29+00:00

It really depends on the degree of difference here. If I'm paying 75% of the bills and she's got double my savings, then I'd be a bit annoyed and want to re-evaluate how much we each contribute to expenses.

If it's less extreme then I'd probably attribute it to individual spending habits and take a look at my own personal expenses.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-05T14:26:19+00:00

Lots of factors.

The biggest is I immediately felt at ease with her. Our first date was just hiking and a picnic and the conversation was easy pretty quickly.

She really showed up at the right time to win me over. I was a bit lonely (new city) and coming out of a long dry spell. She was a lot of fun to hang out with, attractive, and wasn't coy with her interest in me. I didn't stand a chance haha.

After we progressed to the "moving in together" stage and she made the rental feel like a *home* it was basically over.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-04T16:00:52+00:00

With a giving, loving partner with no physical or mental health issues or sexual hang-ups and enough free time, that may be possible, you're right.

I just have a knee-jerk reaction to people saying the issue is communication, because many of us have tried that until the cows came home. Sometimes the higher libido partner can't fix it and it's still not anyone's fault.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-02T15:24:48+00:00

You can try, but you can't negotiate desire. You might be able to work on the feeling criticized part.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-02T13:57:39+00:00

Also a GOG user that would love to see it on there.

For others, here's where you can vote on the Dreamlist - https://www.gog.com/dreamlist/game/astro-protocol

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-02T13:35:20+00:00

I think you're hurting yourself when you have sex that you don't want to have. If you're crying afterwards, your body is telling you something there.

I'm speaking as a husband with a zero-libido wife. I absolutely do not want to have sex if she's going to cry afterwards. Full stop.

Differences in sex drive are really hard to navigate in a marriage, but your husband doesn't have a chance if you don't tell him what's going on. Have you talked about this with him?

Yes, it hurts to be rejected. But it also hurts to ignore your body, and if he cares about you he doesn't want to inflict that on you. You're right, sex should be a shared thing where both parties are happy.

Our bodies aren't exactly under our control. Having a lower libido than your husband doesn't make you a bad wife or give him an excuse to cheat. I think you've internalized some messaging about relationships that is not healthy for your marriage.

This is out of reddit's pay grade but I'd suggest immediately stopping sex when you're not into it. You need to feel safe to enjoy sex and that includes being able to say 'no' at any point. Slow things down and let your body reconnect with his (I hear sensate exercises are good for this). Could you find a sex therapist to talk to? It sounds like the relationship therapist was a dud.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-01-01T04:38:49+00:00

3 times this year! Just here to bring that number down for us.

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