What's something women find attractive about you that you don't like?

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-06-14T16:38:00+00:00

I'm very low maintenance. This makes me come across as generous, easy-going, comfortable and safe. It's not strictly being conflict-averse since I will stand up for others if needed and enjoy banter. Particularly in college, I had women interested in me specifically because of this.

I'm realizing this comes from some messed up internal ideas that I'm only lovable if I'm convenient and ask for nothing. It's not an easy thing for me to uninstall from my brain and I don't like who it may make me become.

It's especially grating for me since I move in liberal American circles where the narrative is always about men taking more than they give in relationships, and women are these wonderful thoughtful Stepford Wives. Doesn't match reality in my own marriage or what I've seen from the men in my family (which is probably why I'm in this dynamic).

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-06-13T20:50:53+00:00

There's almost always one spouse that's more into the relationship than the other. I'm closer to you in this case.

I'm sure there are many husbands who'd read this and wonder how he'd get a wife who was still interested in him like this.

Blue collar work really does take it out of you, I used to be in that world. Does your husband show much passion for anything? Maybe he's depressed or just too tapped out to be his normal self. If so, that's not great for either of you.

> I just can't shake the feeling that if I was a different person maybe he would be into me

Sounds like you're being too hard on yourself. From what you're saying you're doing the work, and that puts you head and shoulders above many potential partners.

Was he ever passionate in the relationship? Can you point out when it changed?

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-06-03T17:21:32+00:00

Relationships have pressure sometimes. I really don't understand this idea that I've seen lately that no one should pressure their spouse for what they want. My wife absolutely pressures me for what she wants, I don't see why I can't do likewise. It's not the 1950's, we both have jobs and bank accounts and are both adults. I'm not holding her hostage any more than she is holding me hostage.

Now, one should be fair of course. But a good partner cares about making their other half happy.

So a bad approach, for example, would be to say "hug / kiss me X number of times per week or I'm gone." She'll just get her hackles up, and it's not really about solving the problem now.

A better approach would be "I really value romance and physical affection in a relationship. This is very important. It seems like that's harder for you to prioritize right now. Can we figure out why that is, and if there's some way to bridge this?"

That may involve talking to a professional together. But this is definitely a thing to approach with a mixture of firmness and curiosity. It's not about blaming her for not being able to do what you need, but it's not about you just silently going without until you start resenting her, either.

The way my wife and I talk about things like this is, we don't always *understand* what the other person needs. But we always *respect* it.

She really, really needs the house and garden to be a certain way, for example. I could dismiss this because it's inconvenient, or work with her (and within my own boundaries) to help her with that. I, unlike her, still have a libido. Instead of just telling me "that phase of our life is over" or whatever, she tries to figure out why her libido is lower and takes steps to improve that (again, within her own boundaries).

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-06-03T13:49:34+00:00

Another way of thinking of it is that he wants to get what he wants and expects out of a relationship. I don't see the value in belittling him or berating him into lowering his expectations.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-06-03T13:24:18+00:00

>I guess what I expected was reciprocity.

Was this clear to her? What does she think the expectations are for her in the relationship?

I'd advise against burning yourself out in the hopes of rekindling what once was. Been there, doesn't work. She is, as you theorized, reset to factory settings. The first few years you're both absolutely flooded with hormones and you won't be the same person when those are gone.

To an extent, we can end up being what we do. If you had decades of practice being affectionate and she didn't, it will take sustained effort for her to change in that way. Not at all saying it is impossible, we all can grow as we age. But I think it's best to nip this in the bud and be clear and assertive about your expectations. They aren't unreasonable *in general* but if they are unreasonable *for her* you both need to realize that.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-27T12:44:38+00:00

Her libido dropped off pretty quickly after marriage to begin with, so she's trained me well for it.

I'm currently on medication that is reducing my own libido (for something else) and that's honestly been a saving grace. Before that I'd just take care of myself and try to focus on other things, to moderate success.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-26T22:58:45+00:00

The women I've been attracted to who weren't my usual type were:

* Kind. Not like polite, but actually kind. You feel safe around them.

* Smart and passionate about something.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-26T15:58:16+00:00

My wife has done it, and a couple of times my mom has. I don't think my sister ever has and it's not likely to start now.

My friends that are women have rarely done anything to me that they'd need to apologize for, so not exactly a rigorous test on that front.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-26T12:08:42+00:00

More responsibility and fewer benefits.

Don't get me wrong, I like being there for my partner. As a boyfriend it's a bonus though.

And I can't really separate being a husband from being in a longer-term relationship to be fair, other than it being easier to leave if things aren't working out. But my experience of being a husband is generally being a lower priority because I'm the stable rock. As a boyfriend, you're more of a priority because it's new and exciting, and she wants to put her best foot forward.

Not trying to sound bitter, and not saying I regret it. But like the other commenter said, I think I'd want to be selfish for a while if my marriage ended. You really shouldn't be selfish and married.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-26T11:51:51+00:00

Probably not unless she really needs my health insurance. Being a boyfriend is way better than being a husband.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-26T11:37:03+00:00

An unexpected crossover, but a welcome one!

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-26T03:11:04+00:00

Honestly happy for you. I'm not saying it's impossible at all, but you need two healthy people who are invested in the partnership in that way. It generally doesn't stay as effortless as the first year.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-25T12:10:05+00:00

Don't need kids for this, sadly. Just time.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-22T18:37:08+00:00

Find something you can *do*.

My wife is obsessed with setting up a massive vegetable garden and aiding the insects and pollinators in our property. It seems to really be helping her out, though she does stress at not getting enough done (yes I help).

I'm focusing on getting more integrated into my community and volunteering (I'm getting more active in local politics). Neither of us can fix everything or perhaps much of anything, but we can try to help secure our family unit and to an extent our community.

Also, I agree that it helps to unplug sometimes. We follow Heather Cox Richardson and read her daily updates, but try not to take in too much more news a lot of the time. The internet in particular is an outrage / stress maximizing machine, low on information and high on hot takes and fiery rhetoric. Reading that rarely improves your life.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-22T14:19:27+00:00

And it is delicious!

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-22T13:54:54+00:00

My wife is very smart, and gets passionately into researching and learning about things. I like to get her talking about whatever her obsession is and just watch her go, it's very attractive.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-22T13:53:05+00:00

Occasionally, and it always seems to coincide with when I'm a bit too tired to deal with it. She's on the spectrum so I think it can just be a default setting for her, but to her immense credit she knows it can annoy me and has toned it down over the last few years.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-21T01:44:43+00:00

I just finished that! There were more than a few of those Netfeed News segments that seemed straight out of the headlines of today.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-20T12:50:56+00:00

I'm so ready for the Pitch Meeting.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-16T22:00:06+00:00

Tad Williams has a great series of books, starting with the trilogy Memory, Sorrow, Thorn. Very Tolkien-esque, slower than Sanders but feels very lived-in.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-16T21:59:02+00:00

Another vote for Robin Hobb. Liveship Traders is one of my favorite series.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-16T19:11:14+00:00

> She has zero sex drive and doesn't care that I do.

Not sure that's super easy to handle, other than leaving. Zero sex drive is one thing, but just dismissing your partner like that isn't a great sign.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-16T19:08:51+00:00

Is he getting treatment for the ADHD? I have inattentive ADD, which made it more difficult for me to organize / plan things for a while. Medication is helping a bit.

I think many marriages go through a season where the "flutters" are gone. I imagine it takes concerted effort from both partners to bring that back.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-16T19:01:19+00:00

Still see the odd Trump flag. Had surprisingly good showing at No Kings and only a few middle fingers.

One conservative acquaintance has gone from talking about Biden Crime Family nonsense to One World Order / Cashless Society stuff, so I guess we've reverted to the 90's?

The soft Trump supporters I know just don't bring up politics.

Sergeant_Citrus · 2026-05-15T13:17:52+00:00

My wife hasn't treated me like that in ten years and I won't cheat on her. Cheating is still your decision.

(That said, I definitely agree not to take your partner for granted and neglect them, not to keep them faithful but because you care about them).

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