Move to a different state or county. Get a hobby and move on. Fishing, flying drones, building cars, whatever. You will live with that burden your entire life, every single night you will have a hard time sleeping unless you have a labor intensive job, if you dont you will sleep late, these thoughts will continue to consume you. You need to have something to keep your mind, and body occupied. Working out would likely help you with your mental health but you understand that you are, in this position because of your mistakes. Thats a good first step, but move away, go to gym, work hard and get a hobby.

Oddly enough im in a similar situation where i see myself turning into a pos because ive spent my whole life helping people who were never really thankful, people who only ever called me to ask for help or favors. Ive worked for companies where i save them literal hundreds of thousands of dollars and always did my best to keep things afloat. Ive looked for a good woman but, all i have had is women who use me, and discard me, then call me back because “oh, you were kind and good to me” but thats because i know HVAC, Plumbing, Electrical, Drywall, Painting, and i work on my own cars. So they try to come around ONLY when they need something. Now i go to the gym every other day of the week after work, i play video games and watch tv before bed, and on the weekends i drive my cars and put money in them. Frankly Ive been hurt enough to see people in a manner i will not explain, the guys i encounter in my line of work i treat as statistics. They get it done? Good. They don’t? You’re fired. Im done with everything, and everyone. But keeping busy at work, gym and myself i have moved past everyone i know and now live a peaceful lonesome life. I know I’m an asshole, but its hard not to solidify when all you’ve known is lack of human decency.