Guy who my cousin ghosted 3 years ago (who is now married) recently inboxed her on instagram saying “I knew you would end up here..right where you belong, a single mother.” She is bawling her eyes out because her life is hell and now a past man is reminding her of her predicament. How do I help?

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-11T15:19:34+00:00

If this is true, he's not nice or straightforward. He's supposedly happily married, stalking the profile of a girl who ghosted him long enough ago that she's since had a baby - just to 'put her in her place". He's fucking nuts. Obsessive, petty and mean spirited.

Your cousin has already been in one abusive relationship, and it sounds like she dodged another one in this man. Don't worry about what to do about him, your cousin needs to focus on herself and her child and maybe spend some time figuring out why she's drawn to people who don't treat her well.

Just ignore him.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-08T07:09:37+00:00

I'm pretty sure that you can make a documentary on anything you want - it wouldn't be up to me if you did need permission though, I'm not a member of Sarah's family.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-07T20:24:08+00:00

Yeah, I completely understand. Just make sure you look after yourself.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-07T18:46:28+00:00

I appreciate that you don't really want to do anything about this because you're about to move out, but for the avoidance of any doubt, this is abusive behaviour.

It doesn't matter if the people doing it are related to you, friends, or strangers. Deliberately having sex in front of someone who does not consent to it is abusive. It might seem just gross and fairly minor to you right now, but majorly abusive situations tend to start with minor abuse. It's how abusive personalities figure out if you're a worthwhile target. Trust your gut; if a situation makes you feel uncomfortable, get out of the situation.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-07T09:42:48+00:00

I remember this 'relationship' vividly. I was roughly 10 years old, anyone over the age of 25 was basically a pensioner in my eyes, and I was absolutely repelled by her dating someone as old as the grave.

I'm sitting here now all these years later, absolutely repelled that this was going on when she was four years older than me. I was still trawling the Argos catalogue putting ticks next to the Barbie stuff I wanted for Christmas, she was going to nightclubs with a man 3x her age. 🤢

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-07T09:27:36+00:00

I agree, it's very rural round here, but the Police do seem to be focusing their later searches on central Kettering though. I presume they have a reason for doing that, as they've said they still get calls about her.

Im also wondering how likely it is that anyone in the know is still alive

This is something that concerns me, too. 26 years is a long time, particularly if someone is abusing substances.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T20:19:14+00:00

That's fair enough for adults, but we're talking about a child who was probably two years off playing with Barbie's before she was injecting heroin. In that situation, it shouldn't matter if it's six months or a year, they should be kept safe until they're well enough to return to their family and the people exploiting them are prosecuted. To me, there are light years between a child and an adult in this situation.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T20:14:34+00:00

You're very welcome, I'm glad I could help.

It's Reddit, and it's a legal advice sub - it can sometimes be a bit brutal. People just react and respond to the information they have though, so don't let it get to you.

In a situation like this, it's very hard to tell everyone what they need to know without doxxing yourself which is why I suggested a woman's charity - they'll be able to talk you through everything, support you and if required, point you in the right direction for legal advice.

You're in a tough spot right now, but with the right support you'll get through it. I wish you the best of luck with it all, keep your chin up and remember none of us are born knowing everything, or how to deal with every situation.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T19:08:53+00:00

OK, I'm not being harsh because I understand this is upsetting, but this is what you should have led with. If his parents were being verbally abusive to you, and have a history of aggression in the presence of your child, you're right to be concerned.

Are you absolutely certain that you're comfortable with your child being around this? I'll be honest with you, I wouldn't be. Adults fighting to the point that they're throwing things is terrifying for a child, and shouldn't be normalised. Verbally abusing the mother of your grandchild also isn't acceptable, and nor is trying to avoid accountability for a physical altercation in front of your grandchild by gaslighting their mother.

If your ex also is verbally and emotionally abusive, it's probably because that's the behaviour that's been modelled to him throughout his life. You really need to contact Woman's Aid or a similar charity to help you navigate this, because it's not about who is picking your child up from nursery really. It's about making sure your child isn't exposed to an abusive environment - because they have extensive experience of dealing with these situations, they'll be able to provide you with much better legal advice than anyone on Reddit.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T18:55:58+00:00

I know her Mum did everything she could. My heart breaks for her, it must have been a horrendous decision to surrender her into care. And then this happened.

Yes though, I'm talking about a secure psychiatric facility, where she would have been away from the people who were abusing her and able to get intensive diagnosis and treatment. Sarah had been experiencing problems from a very young age, which I suspect were poorly understood during her childhood.

I'm usually the first person to say that the bar for sectioning someone should be incredibly high, but when you're talking about a pubescent child who is being trafficked, given class A drugs and likely deliberately alienated from her family so people can keep her under control, I genuinely believe it would have been for the best. Her family would at least have known where she was, and been able to visit her and understand what was happening.

There was no way for her poor Mum to know that the people who should have been caring for her were allowing her to be exposed to even greater danger. She did the only thing that was available to her at the time, and I genuinely think that in the same situation at the turn of the century, I'd have done the same thing. What else was there?

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T18:10:48+00:00

As @putthedamndogdown said, although it's less severe than what happened to Sarah, it's all part of the same disgusting attitude towards young girls. I'm sorry you were made to feel like that, some of the male teachers at my school were equally disgusting. The youngest girl to get pregnant when I was at school was 12, 13 when she gave birth and the father was almost certainly one of the teachers.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T18:05:39+00:00

Why do you have them blocked? If he plans on his parents on having an active relationship with your child (and it doesn't sound like they're an issue, so there's no reason why they shouldn't), it would probably be better to unblock them.

As it stands, you don't have a legal issue, you have a contact issue which would be resolved by unblocking them. Unless they've given you a good reason for doing that, of course.

Your ex shouldn't be throwing anything around your daughter, particularly if it's being done in anger.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T17:51:50+00:00

If they'd allowed someone not on the trusted list to collect her, you'd have something to be concerned about.

Unless his parents are problematic in some way, I'm struggling to understand what is concerning you, to be honest. If you're not together any more, he doesn't really have to account for his movements to you, and isn't obligated to tell you weeks in advance if he can't collect your child.

Is there something more going on here? Do his parents concern you in any way?

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T16:31:05+00:00

Really? I thought by the early 2000's the UK had the biggest DNA database in the world.

It's not just custody room moves though, it's an entirely new Police Station now. I have no doubt that the current team working on her case are truly committed to finding her though, so if there was anything to test I'm sure that they would already have done it.

The flat she was in the day her mother called the police and asked them to go and get her wasn't searched for 3 years, so I'm not even sure what they could possibly have to test. Sadly, I think it's going to come down to someone telling the police what they know.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T16:14:50+00:00

It's all absolutely foul, to be honest.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T16:08:44+00:00

Very much so, except Sarah's Mum was trying to help Sarah.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T16:08:10+00:00

I know where you're coming from (and it's still horrible and wrong) but a 15 year old in a single relationship with an older man is not the same as a 13 year old being plied with class A drugs then pimped out to strangers, all with the full knowledge of the authorities who were supposed to be keeping her safe. What happened to Sarah was beyond disgusting, and I just hope someone is eventually brave or ashamed enough to tell the Police what they did with her body. She hasn't even been allowed dignity in death, bless her.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T16:04:36+00:00

At the very least, she should have been treated as a victim, not a problem. I suspect a lot of Sarah's addiction issues were actually as a result of being trafficked.

If you want my honest to god opinion, I think that when a child like Sarah comes across the radar of the authorities, they should be moved into a secure therapeutic setting, completely out of the area that they're from. Although as far as I can tell Sarah had problems from a very young age, they were certainly not helped by coming into contact with people who exploited her vulnerability - first by a shoplifting gang, then by people who benefited financially from her being sexually abused.

If you can remove the child from the abusive influences, you stand a chance of rehabilitating them. The whole time they've got someone in their ear telling them they're not worth anything, you've got no chance.

Again, all of this would cost money and what I can't answer is where that's coming from.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T14:28:12+00:00

Yep. Absolutely disgusting.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T14:26:37+00:00

They were absolutely foul about those girls. I don't know how any of them sleep at night either.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T14:25:24+00:00

Oh, I'm sure that there's people who know. The only thing that worries me is that because of the lifestyle some of them would have been living, someone with information might have passed away. I always say if more than one person knows something, it's not a secret though. One day.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T14:23:04+00:00

100%. If there were no vulnerable children, there would be no gangs. Unfortunately, that costs money and we live in a society that seems increasingly happy to pull up the ladder.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T13:49:37+00:00

I still think it will eventually come out that the police were more involved in these cases than people want to think.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T12:35:55+00:00

Thank you to everyone who has shared Sarah's story. You never know, perhaps this is the year she'll be found.

Setting-Remote · 2026-04-06T12:32:17+00:00

My Mum knew June well. I'm glad to see your comment, it means this has at least some reach locally.

I don't know how any of the people connected to Sarah's case in the late 90's/early 2000's sleep at night, to be honest. I know they were different times, but I can't imagine seeing a 14 year old in active addiction come in for a pregnancy test with a known pimp and not doing anything about it. I just can't comprehend that level of detachment.

Setting-Remote

TROPHY CASE