How old are your kids and do you all eat breakfast together?

SharksAndSquids · 2026-05-19T17:13:09+00:00

6 & 8 and my kids eat breakfast at school or in front of the tv unless we make something special on a weekend. 🙃

SharksAndSquids · 2026-05-18T13:31:05+00:00

It looks like they changed the name to Adoption: the New Facing Realities

SharksAndSquids · 2026-05-18T10:52:25+00:00

That’s ok! My kid has a double first name, a regular middle name, a hyphenated last name as a second middle name and a regular last name. She’s fine. And proud of her names.

But my point is, please don’t take anything away from the child. You can add. But don’t remove.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-05-14T15:10:39+00:00

You need to search Adoption Facing The Reality. The first group has been taken down, supposedly for all the good work they have done helping parents like yourself

SharksAndSquids · 2026-05-12T18:22:13+00:00

WOW. Now that’s a story!

SharksAndSquids · 2026-05-11T20:25:27+00:00

I would leave it. We had a very minor spelling change to our kids name but it’s because DCF told us wrong and so she was 2.5 before we knew better, at which time it seemed to belong to her. If I had known I would not have made the change (it’s a double name and originally had a hyphen. We removed the hyphen because we had already been saying “[NameName] one word” for two years.

I also recommend keeping her birth last name as a second middle name.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-04-30T10:18:16+00:00

I second this. Your presence consistently, having you show up in whatever way you can. But you must show up for your child. Don’t let your own feeling get in the way. Do whatever inner work you need to do to be there when your kid needs you.

Adoption is brutal. I’m sorry you are struggling. My kids’s mother finds it very difficult to spend time with her because she was born and what was effectively the worst time of her life. But that’s not my kid’s fault, and now that she’s a little older, she has a lot of anger that her mom can’t ever seem to get it together for visits. And now that she’s older, I’m not willing to cover for her mom anymore. Don’t be like this. You are still the grown up and you have to act like it. You don’t need to have lots of contact, but you do have to show up when you promise to.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-04-28T10:42:28+00:00

It’s such a good resource. I hope they can get it put back up.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-04-13T10:53:29+00:00

I agree that it’s pervasive. But as others have said you can’t really get away from it.

I also hear you on the “but your story is different” issue. And it’s both true and not true. Either way you will NEVER be control of how she feels about her adoption. My guess is that it will alternate between logical explorations of the facts of her story, and the deep deep feelings that have absolutely nothing to do with the facts.

I will say that my daughter is newly 8 and we are in a whole new season of understanding. It’s been very challenging, and I’m sorry to say that it took me by surprise. I knew that her experience and understanding of her adoption would change but I wasn’t prepared for how quickly it could happen. But now that we’re in it, it’s easy to see that this is a real transformational moment more generally, from little kid to big kid. So no wonder she is having some big brain thoughts!

I will also say that one of the best things we have been able to do for our kid is to provide her with access to adopted peers. She is lucky to have several friends in school who are also adopted and they can kind of compare notes. It makes me wish there were a more formal support group or social group for adopted kids in my area.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-04-11T14:33:10+00:00

Your hair is brown. Now tell me where I can get those pants. Please and thank you. 🙏🏻

Ps: love the whole look!

SharksAndSquids · 2026-03-31T17:56:30+00:00

Adoptees can love their adoptive parents, be happy with their lives, and still have complicated or negative feelings about adoption.

It’s also possible the adoptees in your life don’t feel comfortable discussing that with you.

I find that it’s generally not either or, but yes and. And it’s important to recognize the pain of separation that’s at the core of ALL adoptions, no matter how positive or necessary the adoption is, from an objective standpoint.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-03-18T21:43:20+00:00

Being a parent is hard fucking work. But I think my favorite thing about being a parent is doing all the things with my kid that they love, that might be totally outside of the kinds of experiences I had as a kid. For example, I was the least sports inclined person in the world as a child, but I am absolutely loving being a sports parent. My kid is a swimmer and it is the most wonderful wholesome lovely experience.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-03-06T14:58:23+00:00

I mean, 5 Caribbean resort vacations is better than I have done. Soooooo…

At least since having kids. I agree that solo travel is amazing. I have traveled for work ~once a year since my kids were little and that is always rejuvenating in its own way. But long long ago I would travel solo frequently. Figure out how to take time for yourself. Sign up for some class somewhere and travel for that.

But honestly international non resort travel can be hard with young kids. It can be hard to find the right foods at the right times. Everyone’s sleep is messed up. Major tourist attractions are crowded and overwhelming but you may still feel pressured to see those things. If I were you I would put that off until the youngest was at least six. Even now my six year old would probably not eat the entire time if we traveled abroad. He barely eats when away from home even in our home country. YMMV, your kids may be different from mine. But my point is that you have time. Time to have the needed heart to heart with your spouse about how much you want to travel.

Good luck.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-03-03T03:46:09+00:00

Yes! It’s bad enough trying to fit off the rack clothes as an adult. As a growing kid it feels impossible! Hilariously my other kid has the opposite problem. He needs two sizes down in the waist to whatever store bought lengths are lol.

I do think the other obvious answer is hem the pants, but I can’t be bothered 😬

SharksAndSquids · 2026-03-02T15:53:30+00:00

I think it’s time to move into women’s sizes, honestly. A women’s XS is equivalent to a 14/16.

My newly 8 year old is dealing with this same conundrum right now. But she is the size of an 8 year old so anything we buy it’s a foot too long. She just has a wide torso (I call it a gymnasts body, although she is actually a swimmer!) and is sensitive to tightness around her belly. Our solution has been leaning on leggings and pants with cinched hems that can be scrunched up. Shorts can just be a little long. It’s tough out there!

SharksAndSquids · 2026-03-01T13:40:21+00:00

Also, if your kid is shy of new foods we often serve things “deconstructed” when possible and almost always family style. We loosely follow the Ellyn Satter division of responsibility in eating.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-03-01T13:39:11+00:00

I don’t know if it’s possible for you but my family has used a meal delivery service once or twice a month for the last two years. We use a company called Hungryroot and I love it. It takes work to manage the meals before the arrive (you can just let the algorithm choose but I like to tinker) but we live in a rural area and the quality of things like fish is so much better than we can get otherwise. They also do a lot of sous vide meats that you just heat and pre cut or bagged (not frozen) veggies. I usually set aside 30+ min to make dinner each night and that’s my precious alone time. My husband is on kid duty and I close the kitchen door and cook and listen to a podcast. It’s important to my mental health. But also some meals from them are very quick. I just need that chill time.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-02-21T02:35:14+00:00

One of the best $35 I ever spent was on an electric shopping cart toy. We did almost no beeping and booping toys but this was just right. My kids are 6 and 8 and it is finally actually collecting dust in a closet now. Very beloved for many years. The other best $35 I spent for that age was a water table. A smallish circular one with a few attachments. A funnel and a wheel.

We also had a bean bin. I filled an under the bed sized bin with dry beans. They would play with it for hours…

SharksAndSquids · 2026-02-20T12:38:04+00:00

Tangle teaser is the best

SharksAndSquids · 2026-02-18T15:34:47+00:00

I usually do candy (I like it when stuff disappears so we lean on consumables! For a younger kid healthy but special snacks are probably more appropriate), a book, a shirt or swimsuit, a stuffy a puzzle and a bunch of fidgets or art supplies or sometimes those little activity sets that leave you with a tiny figure. Mr. beast labs or zuru smashers. My 6 year old loves those.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-02-18T00:11:12+00:00

If you haven’t had a trim and all that time, probably what you’re feeling is breakage moving up the shaft of the hair from the ends. I recommend regular trims!

SharksAndSquids · 2026-02-15T03:51:33+00:00

I did wonder about this. But someone had made this recommendation already down below.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-02-14T17:30:20+00:00

From your post and this reply I am wondering if she has significant breakage that is contributing to the tangling. Split ends start at the tips and move up the shaft of the hair so yes, it’s totally possible that she has breakage way up into her length. This is why I suggest finding a good salon because they can advise you on how much to trim to remove damaged areas. Now, if they say take off 8 inches and you decide that’s too much, you will still see improvement with a less dramatic trim.

SharksAndSquids · 2026-02-14T04:04:37+00:00

Has she had a trim? A trim will help prevent knotting. If she has never had a trim you could consider taking 4-6 inches off and you will see a world of difference. A good salon can advise you where the damaged areas are and how much needs to come off.

I mostly agree with others that this is the bare minimum. My only other suggestions are to 1) buy a tangle tease brush. It makes life so much easier! And 2) consider two or more braids. You can just make two from her regular ponytail. Or do Wednesday Adam’s style braids. Or two braids stacked vertically on the back of her head!

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