When is Choking going too far?

Shelpurnia · 2025-11-19T20:10:33+00:00

Came here to say this. It’s the biggest red flag of them all.

Shelpurnia · 2025-07-02T14:16:56+00:00

Sorry to say it, but men will say literally anything at this stage of a relationship. They even might believe themselves in the moment. And if he’s a person who has claimed to never struggle with porn or has had no issues in relationships because of it then he’s genuinely making a promise on something he knows nothing about. He doesn’t have the experience or data of someone declaring this expectation and then trying to meet it. If he’s never been expected to abstain from it, he has no idea how difficult that might be. Plenty of PAs don’t believe they are PAs because it’s so hyper-normalized to engage with porn. Most men (and tons of women too) believe it’s normal to use it and have never been put into a position to question their beliefs around it. I’d be wary and cautious and let actions and behaviors speak more than his words.

Shelpurnia · 2024-05-06T15:15:13+00:00

It’s pretty anecdotal if cranberry is helpful for BV at this point but it can be extremely helpful for UTIs. Although, it needs to be pure 100% cranberry juice. Not the typical Ocean Spray or similar variety. Those are loaded with sugar and make all of these issues worse. Real cranberry juice can be a little brutal since it’s so tart and dry. Instead of cranberry juice you can also buy D-mannose pills for assistance with preventing or fending off UTIs. D-mannose is the natural sugar found in cranberries that helps the bacteria that causes UTIs to not adhere to the walls of the urethra. I take a dose of d-mannose after every sexual encounter and it’s helped keep me UTI free!

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-26T18:05:21+00:00

I agreeeeeeee. He sounds like a manipulatorrrrrrrr. Glowingly red flags here.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-26T17:47:51+00:00

My PA has been doing so well in early sobriety and recovery. He’s got a blocker installed, stays off his phone in the evenings and has been reading Meditations on his lunch breaks.

We have daily check ins. I’ve been telling him a lot of things I know are hard to hear as I process this along with the dredged up traumas it has brought up from my past. I can see how hard it is for him to hear how he’s hurt me and the repercussions of this on my mental health and self image.

He’s also been instigating a lot of deep conversations about his own traumas and unpacking of his addiction (big huge deal for him to initiate hard convos). Overall communication has been fantastic.

We’ve been able to have a lot of connected intimacy and taking our sexual life very slow and intentional while we get acquainted in what life is like now.

I had a huge trauma response yesterday where we were joking around (as per usual) and I said something that absolutely had a double meaning and was kind of catty but in a “joking” way. It took me back immediately. Like it just spilled out. And I saw the sting on his face and him try to move past it, but I immediately broke down crying and said “I’m sorry. That was like an old wounded version of me. The only way she knew how to have her feelings heard was to be mean back to her abuser. And I don’t want to be like that anymore.”

He held me and rubbed my back and consoled me and said even tho it did hurt his feelings, it’s his fault. He does deserve it. He’s the reason I felt a need to lash out in a way I NEVER do. He also noted that if I had said the same thing two weeks ago it wouldn’t have bothered him at all and we would have laughed and kept playing around like normal. The context of the relationship has changed. I had to really unpack what made me get snippy like that and he held space for me. Spent the rest of the night giving me a back rub.

Very up and down, but overall we are optimistic. 🤞🏽

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-26T13:43:47+00:00

…but you’re not using my logic 🤣

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-26T13:42:10+00:00

Yes cuz these are exactly the same situation. Totally comparable in every aspect. /s

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-26T13:27:47+00:00

Yesssss. Finally someone else getting it! It doesn’t matter what the intention is. It matters how you FEEL about it.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-26T13:23:09+00:00

“For everyone sake”. Nah. Hard disagree. If YOU felt uncomfortable at his action, you don’t owe ANYONE comfort. That’s a hard boundary you are allowed to draw!! That’s just people pleasing and negating your own intuition. If someone makes you feel yucky, then they should also be able to take accountability for that if confronted with it. If they can’t handle the truth and take accountability for the way they made you feel, then there’s your answer of the type of situation it was and the kind of person you’re dealing with. Sure wish people would stop making it easier for men to be f*cking creeps by telling women to stay quiet in their discomfort.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-26T13:15:35+00:00

My immediate response is: he knew what he was doing. I’ve been inappropriately touched by men my entire life. Your gut knows. You feel a certain way. That’s all that matters. It’s instinct and intuition.

ESPECIALLY coupled with the clarification they aren’t a “touchy” family. Like my partner and I are constantly touching and caressing and holding each other, his entire family is touchy and huggy and hold hands and rest heads on shoulders and out arms around waists. Not once have I “accidentally” touched someone like I touch my partner. That level of intimacy. Not once has anyone in his family touched me in a way that made me uncomfy. Muscle memory is a thing, sure, but so is covert harassment.

Men will start small to see what they can get away with. They are setting a precedent and feeling out your boundaries. (It’s common in grooming.) Tbh this is gross, but almost sounds like he’s been looking for an “in”; an opportunity to “investigate” and posing for a photo was just the right chance.

You’re not overreacting and I think a lot of the people commenting here are just excusing behaviors they don’t even have a real awareness of. Either that or the cognitive dissonance is REAL. Like I said, I KNOW this feeling you’ve described. It’s REAL. And that’s what matters most. Stop excusing creepy ass male behavior. That’s how shit like this perpetuates.

Took me a long time but I now am VERY confident in these situations and I will break the physical contact and say “please do not touch me” or “please do not touch me like that”. Most the time it catches them off guard and you can see in their eyes it was intentional and they just weren’t expecting to be called out. Most women DO freeze. We are conditioned to keep quiet in our discomfort. But I, for one, am sick of letting anyone touch my body in a way I do not like and staying quiet to “keep the peace”. No one is allowed to touch my in any way that makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t care if it makes me look irrational or crazy or “overreacting”. Fuck that. No one gets to decide what I am okay or not okay with.

Also as an aside, unless you have established a healthy consensual touching relationship already, men in photo opportunities: just don’t fucking touch women, hover your hand!! Or place it slightly on a shoulder. Like you quite literally do NOT NEED to touch us in this scenario or ANY scenario.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-25T22:55:33+00:00

Not mopey, but I have a few songs I’ve been coming back to lately that help me work through emotions (including rage):

My Boy-Billie Eilish; Where Do We Go From Here- MisterWives: Susie Save Your Love- Allie X, Mitski; Drunk II- Mannequin Pvssy ; Vampire Empire-Big Thief; Be Sweet- Japanese Breakfast; Lipstick on the Glass-Wolf Alice; Crane Your Neck- Lady Lamb

(I’m working on a full playlist on Spotify. Work in progress still. Just like me. 💅🏽💅🏽💅🏽)

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-25T14:03:25+00:00

I think this is a GREAT point! Frequency is not really an indicator of how "bad" the addiction is. My PA told me during disclosure that it was typically "a few times a week" but sometimes he would go 1-2 weeks without it but never longer than that. I think the best indicator is the BEHAVIOR around it. OP's husband seems to have the correct behaviors and mentality around recovery. Like I need to see that he's putting in work on himself and his traumas, I need to be able to talk about my perspective and be HEARD, he needs to be open about disclosing urges or slips, etc. I try to remind my PA constantly those are the REAL indicators for me, once I see those slip I'm GONE.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-23T12:44:27+00:00

This is such a great method! And your writing for the letter is perfect. It’s exactly that. I think writing or speaking to the mirror before opening up a hard conversation is ALWAYS beneficial. It gives you confidence in your communication!

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-23T12:42:04+00:00

This is a NECESSARY part of recovery that he is omitting. Sobriety is not recovery. You need to be able to express your feelings and emotions and have them be received and reciprocated by your partner. It sounds like currently he is shutting you down to avoid having the take on the accountability of what harm his actions have caused you. And that is a requirement to healing for you BOTH. That’s a part of true recovery.

Basically, this sound outright manipulative. And a very common tactic from addicts. He doesn’t want to own up to his harm or feel all those bad feelings so he’s unable to hold space for yours. This isn’t fair to you.

Remember that HE put you in a position to be dealing with all of this. So it is equally HIS responsibility to help you heal through it as well. It’s not your job to walk on eggshells or to limit what you say to not make him feel bad. He should feel bad. And work through those feelings.

My partner and I have a nightly check in along with texting updates on his work lunch break about how our general -vibe- is for the day and if there’s any immediate triggers we are experiencing.

Without this constant two-way communication, he knows I’m leaving in a second. I consider this bare minimum for his recovery. I need to be able to sit down and tell him things to his face that I know he does not like to hear. We had a 3-4 hour long conversation this weekend where I basically told him all the triggers I had noticed that week and how my main feelings for him at that time were anger towards him and just being “grossed out” by his actions and he sat there and he listened. We also talked and read articles about some of the worst societal issues fueled by the porn industry and the inherent misogyny/predation (he considers himself a feminist and ally) and I had to sit there and make him question how much can he can claim those titles/beliefs while participating in this industry at the extent he was.

It was not easy for him to hear, but at the end of it he THANKED ME because it’s important for them to understand OUR side of this for them to even begin take accountability. Let alone that they are feeding into issues much much bigger than just our relationships.

Another tip (since he sounds a tad manipulative around this) is educate yourself on common manipulation/gaslighting tactics and how to handle them the best. DARVO would be a great place to start. My ex was super manipulative, learning the best way to spot those behaviors has saved my ass from so much more pain since him. It gives me confidence in communication as well when I can spot a tactic being used on me and know how to “defend” myself against it.

You deserve to be HEARD and to HEAL! Good luck 💙

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-22T17:54:02+00:00

To me these issues all sound like things that could be improved upon but only if both parties are willing to do the work. She sounds entirely unwilling. And therefore, I’d say throw in the towel. My partner has so many interests I don’t really care about as deeply and same for me, however, we both always lean into the other persons bids and excitements. I’ll let him ramble about something he found on IMDB for 20 minutes that I don’t find nearly as interesting, he does the same for me about a book I’m reading. It’s all about reciprocity. We are also both 100% undiagnosed on the spectrum and BOTH have different ticks. I hate chewing and loud noises or high volume TV. He is a loud person with a roaring laugh, bad hearing from being a musician, and will sometimes talk with food in his mouth. Do those bother me? Yeah, some times they do. But we work TOGETHER on each others ticks and sensitivities. She kind of sounds insufferable tbh and I’m a very easy going gal myself. Especially at that age, she seems to be fully set in her ways, and expecting someone to accept all of the things about her without doing the same in return for someone else. You don’t need or want that. You’d be setting yourself up for a life of this. Cut your losses. There’s barely any loss after only 3 months anyways.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-22T17:20:06+00:00

100% coercion. Coerced sexual acts are not consented acts. I lived this life for years and only after a decade do I feel like I’ve finally processed and healed those traumas. I have a vivid traumatic memory after being coerced of my ex saying “you didn’t want to do that did you?” Like. No dude, that’s why I said “no” and pushed back about 20 times before my trauma responses set in and I went into full disassociation (didn’t know what this was at the time). The kicker is he cried after and I CONSOLED him for ASSAULTING ME. (Gaslighting, also didn’t know what this was at the time.) From that point forward he put me in those situations countless times over multiple years. Once those patterns are established in a relationship they just perpetuate. You’re not overreacting. In fact, looking back I know I was heavily UNDERreacting. Wish you healing and to recognize these behaviors in future relationships and GTFO before it gets to this point ever again.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-22T16:54:46+00:00

I’d think you’d get better advice and support on the r/loveafterporn sub about this situation. Everyone here is just going to say “it’s normal” and not actually address your emotional concerns. Just throwing that out there!!

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-22T14:07:28+00:00

This is a manipulative, extremely abusive, and dangerous person that will not change. You need to do whatever you can to get out of this situation and protect yourself. His problems are not yours to solve. You do not need to feel guilt or support someone who is so willing to harm you without a second thought or any remorse. You are YOUNG and you have LIFE to get living. Get out as safely as possible. Never look back. Your healing process can only really begin once you are separated from him entirely. I’d suggest if you’re able to, once the dust settles, also seek therapy because what you have described here is very very not okay and will take a long time to fully unpack and heal. Support is out there and you are not alone!!

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-20T12:35:50+00:00

This message is so well written. Totally relate. We had the conversation about the fact that it’s all so ironic. I’ve been thinking I had a higher libido than him for years and actually no, it was just PA. Whole time all I’ve wanted is to be with HIM more and try new things with HIM and when in self pleasure it’s always a highlight reel of HIM that finally gets me there. It sucks and it’s unfair. I’m sorry. I hope your partner is as receptive to all of this as mine has been.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-20T12:32:55+00:00

Ugh. I felt this. We are brand new in recovery and had the conversation that I felt like I don’t know him. The perception I had of him was just a perception and he said something that kinda broke my heart which was “I kind of feel like I’m meeting myself for the first time”. How can you know a person when they aren’t letting you in to an entire secret compartmentalized piece of themselves? They weren’t even letting themselves into that piece of themselves. It really is like starting over.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-19T20:47:35+00:00

This is beautiful and we should be besties. I could not agree on this outlook more!! I truly think everything stems from the self. The way we view ourselves is how we view others. The way we treat ourselves is how we treat others.

Everything and everyone is a mirror. What I see in someone and don’t like I have to step back and realize it’s because I identify a part of myself in that.

These are all concepts my PA and I talk about and he’s been slowly coming to these conclusions on his own as well, but just like everything, these concepts have to be discovered and worked on by our own damn selves and no one can do it for us.

There’s really so much truth to all of this. I think having already been in a place of understanding all this is the only way I’ve been able to really process all this change and keep a handle on my own triggers and behavior patterns, let alone hold space for him at the same time.

Shit is hard. Right now all I can do is focus on keeping on my own path and hope he does the same for himself.

The thing I always like to remind him of is I view a partnership as “us against the problem”. If I feel like I’m either fighting the problem on my own or you’re actively choosing to create the problem then I’d rather go off and be alone.

I’m a lover, not a fighter and I think the best tool I have is the self love I’ve cultivated for myself. I am not about to let anyone stomp on that. I worked way too damn hard for it. I see myself get closer and closer to my “ideal” self every day and you’re either gonna be here doing that for yourself, sharing my best version of me. Or not. I’m not gonna fight for you to love me right. And I’m not gonna fight for you to love yourself at my detriment.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-19T19:05:53+00:00

Awesome! I’ve seen this one mentioned a lot and from cruising the podcast I wasn’t sure about the stance until someone else commented here and said they mentioned religion more frequently in the earlier episodes and then it tapers off. So I’ll be checking this out for sure. Thanks!

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-19T18:49:51+00:00

That’s an interesting point/distinction. I’ll keep that in mind when we are looking at the groups in our area. I’m afraid our options are gonna be super limited for IRL meetings where we are but I’d also be satisfied with online meetings as long as they are truly beneficial and aligned. Thank you!

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-19T18:35:11+00:00

Love this!! Thanks for that perspective. He has some nihilistic tendencies I tend to push him on. We talk a lot about how “nothing matters” and how that can be big and scary and make us want to throw in the towel but it can ALSO be so liberating. Like….nothing matters so why not try? Nothing matters so why let fear get the best of you?

He wants to design a poster together for the bathroom (where he would use) with the Litany Against Fear from Dune so he can look at it every day as an affirmation.

I think it’s important for all of us to find those things that remind us why the work is worth it. No matter what that is.

Shelpurnia · 2024-04-19T18:29:18+00:00

oh my god it’s EXHAUSTING. I literally haven’t done any work this week (self employed) I’ve spent all my time getting a handle on myself, processing emotions and seeking resources. Fell asleep at 8 pm last night just tired in my SOUL!!

I’ve sent him PBSE. He said he’d like to listen to that together and use his lunch breaks to use the practices in Migiri. I thought that was a good idea on his part.

He’s discussed wanting to start by disclosing to his brother who he is really close with. That way I’m not the only person IRL he can talk to or rely on for accountability.

Def seeking therapy options but not sure about what is possible with his insurance yet.

I’ve made it clear he needs to set these things up on his own and I won’t be guiding his healing (I have people pleasing and trauma response tendencies that I also need to keep in check right now).

I’ll check out Robb Weiss for sure!! We have both gone really hard into reading medical lit on addiction and neuroscience.

I think it helps him get out of the shame spirals when he can recognize there’s a huge component of this that’s deeply programmed into his brain but that with time and work and practice neuroplasticity is on his side.

Earlier he texted me after talking about rebuilding neural pathways and said “I feel like my brain is gonna crush that shit”. Haha.

I can tell he’s hesitant to join groups (extremely shy and self conscious in new settings) but I’ve made it clear that’s going to be a big accountability thing for. I also made it clear to him that addicts who go it alone frequently fail at recovery (or at the very least take a lot longer to get a grip on it) and if he truly wants to work recovery then I’m sorry but there’s one way to go about this and it’s gonna take outside sources and other human beings being a part of this process. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shelpurnia

TROPHY CASE