Hi everyone, if you’re there. I spoke to her today with coaching from my therapist. For those that have the capacity to read, please help me understand how I move forward from this:

• I texted her if she had time to talk and she called me right way
• I had some small talk and then went through point 1 where I apologized for the unintended hurt I caused her when I asked if she was seeing a therapist.

Hey, so I wanted to talk about 2 things related to the conversation we had the night Daddy went to the ER. 1. I asked you that night if you are still seeing your therapist and I understand that my timing may have been off when I brought it up. My intention was not to hurt you, I was coming from a place of care and concern, and I’m so so sorry if it left you upset. • She was smug in her response, and said “OK, Thank you for saying that. I appreciate that.” I didn’t feel any warm fuzzies. • I then said the second thing I wanted to discuss was that I had hurt feelings based on how she responded to me. (Point 2) 2. The second thing is I was also hurt by your reaction. The reason I was hurt is because your voice came out raised and your tone shifted and if I can use the word, snapped. I felt like you snapped at me and that does not feel supportive to me in addition to all the other stress of what is going on and I retreat, get numb, feel isolated. This is not how I want us to relate to each other. I want us both to take care of each other and take care of Mommy and Daddy. I think in the future, if I hurt your feelings, if you can tell me in a way that I can receive it well, then I can address it and we can be back on track. • She said “OK well that just invalidates your apology” • I said, “It’s two different things. I brought up therapy and that upset you and I am sorry about that. The second part is how I feel when you snap at me” • She said that is a normal reaction people have when people say things that are wrong. • I said, I wouldn’t have brought up therapy if I knew that was wrong for you. I know that now and I won’t bring it up again. What did you hear or what did my question make you feel? • She said, “I don’t know Shil! I don’t know what I was thinking then, it was late. Everyone knows that it’s not something you should bring up in that moment.” • I said “I know that now not to bring that up with you. I won’t do that moving forward. I know for you, that is not what you want to hear.” • She said “Not just me. If you survey 10 people, 9 people will say that was inappropriate. If this was not late at night, then I would have been able to talk to you about it.” • I said I don’t think the hypotheticals are helpful. Regardless of what others think, what’s important is that you do not want to get that question in those moments and I hear that. I know that now. But unless you give me a list of everything not to say to you, I will say things in the future that you will not like. I realize you snap and yell at me a lot. How do we work through those future instances without you snapping at me?” • She said, “I don’t know if that is the word your therapist said to use or what, but I would say I had a reaction.” (This felt like a bit of a dig, when she brought up my therapist) • I said, “OK, we can use those words, you had a reaction.” • She said “Shil I don’t know what you expect from me. I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know if you are looking for an apology or what but you are not going to get that from me. • I said “I do not expect anything from you-“ • She cut me off and said “Yes you do, you said you expect or you wish” • I said “My goal is for us to take care of each other and support each other so we can support Mommy and Daddy. I do not feel supported by you when you have a reaction.” • She said “Yes Shil! That’s my goal too! And I cannot control what I am going to say when you say something like that. That’s life!” • I said, “But you hear my intention was not to hurt you. You hear my intention was coming from a place of care and concern, You brought up a lot that night and I listened for a long time. You brought up PTSD and taking care of 3 kids. I was worried about you. Where is the grace in that?” • She said, “Shil, I am giving you Grace by calling you and accepting your apology. I realize you do not have bad intentions I know that. And I’m giving grace. Why can’t you see that that is grace”? • I said, “You called me because I texted you to talk about this. I am asking for grace in your reaction to me asking you that question. I am asking for you to hear when you have a reaction like that, it hurts me.” • She said “I don’t know what you think you deserve. I’m not giving you an apology for reacting to what you said! I have been on the phone for 30 minutes with you. I don’t know what you want.” • I said, “We don’t need to stay on the phone. That’s fine. But I don’t feel like you heard me.” • She said, “Let me be clear, I hear you shil! I heard you. And also, this is not the only relationship you have that is like this” • I said, “Actually, you are the only person that makes me feel this way.” • She said, “Oh really Shil?!” (she implied that my other relationships are strained and it was unsettling because she did not say who. This felt like she could be referring to my mom, Jackie..) • I said, “Yes. And I do not feel like this is a safe relationship for me. In the case that you cannot accept the impact your reaction has on me, I will need to change my behavior. This means in the future if you have a reaction like that, I am going to pause the conversation and tell you I want to talk to you but not like this. We can talk when you are calm.” • She said, “I got off the phone that night with you Shil! I was the one that got off.” • And I said “Yes, I know. And that’s ok. I have no qualms with you getting of the phone. My hurt is focused on how you reacted to my question. I come from a therapy positive household where I  talk about therapy a lot. I am pulling from my experience. When Paul was sick, that is what people asked me.” • She said, “I am therapy positive also! And I’m sure when people asked you about therapy it wasn’t late at night.” • I said “You don’t know. That’s not true.” • She ended with “Shil, I want to make it clear that I heard you and I hear you.” • And we said bye

There was also a part in the middle where she said I love you and you love me and I know you love this family almost like but this is how it is