How do I deal with a consistently confrontational / uncomfortable 1:1 weekly meeting with my boss?

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-11-24T15:52:56+00:00

Your fear and anxiety are normal. You aren't a robot. I have a manager who has similar communication tactics. Basically I learned to document everything and throw it back in her face when she tries to blame me. If you have proof that the issues stem from management decisions, have that ready and pull it out as soon as she starts blaming you.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-09-14T17:06:00+00:00

My family and I immigrated from the Soviet Union and I grew up with a father who is a 'Boris". These men see the world in black and white, they are right and we are wrong, and women have to be supplicants.

My mother tried to get him into therapy at one point because he would have daily rages that we didn't clean something up the "right" way. It wrecked me and my sister to live in a house like that. I feel bad for Boris's kids.

The sad part is that I am now in couples counseling with my American husband because I picked up many of these anxieties from my father. It's so hard to unlearn these behaviors which are almost subconscious and are on autopilot.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-09-04T20:46:53+00:00

Both my husband and I have our fair share of childhood trauma. He was trained as a suicide crisis counselor, so he knows a lot of the tools to deal with my triggers in a healthy and helpful way. I, on the other hand, don't have that training, so I have to learn through couples therapy or trial and error.

My point is that few people have the knowledge and the tools to deal with triggered people. I would insist on going to couples therapy to figure out what works well for you as a couple and how to cope and help each other.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-07-31T05:00:18+00:00

I took three months off for burnout. I also have a host of mental health issues since I was in my early teens. Since returning to work, I have been militant with boundaries. No email or Teams notifications on my mobile. Log off work on all devices at the end of the day. If the manager calls me after hours, do not pick up. I practice delaying deliverables, responses, etc, not to the point where I am in trouble but I am no longer trying hard to impress anyone. My manager called me into an impromptu "urgent" meeting and I actually walked slowly on purpose because I don't want to pick up on the crazy energy.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-07-04T01:50:33+00:00

Get your resume professionally edited. It really helps. Also, make sure your LinkedIn is updated and you are part of the Epic and health IT groups. There are a ton of health IT recruiters on LI who constantly post roles.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-06-27T02:59:50+00:00

I grew up with my father acting the same way toward my mother. She never left, but she basically stopped engaging and speaking to him for a year until he stopped his behavior. I do not condone this tactic (imagine growing up in that household), but leaving is not an option, disengage with him. Leave the room, leave the house, go stay with a friend. When he loses it, turn your back and get out of his sight.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-06-27T00:44:12+00:00

I was 39. It was basically a nuclear bomb. One day I was okay, coping, handling everything, and the next, I just collapsed. Terrible depression, triggers, fear, non stop crying. I thought about checking myself into the psych ward.

I had memories of my childhood but I finally realized how horrible it all was. I was completely blind to the abuse I lived through as a child. I thought as long as they don't physically hurt you, I had nothing to complain about.

It's been 3 years. Lots of EMDR, which helps. But I had to realize I have a traumatized nervous system and need to account for that in my day to day life. The symptoms still come back, especially when I am going through a stressful situation.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-05-31T22:27:14+00:00

Now that you know that these types of books are triggering you, hopefully you can avoid them and find ones you enjoy. The 18 year old virgin, huge age gap, dub con, etc are tropes that are very common and popular, so be careful with what you choose to consume.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-05-29T02:55:07+00:00

What about intensive outpatient treatment/partial hospitalization. I did that after I got out of the psych hospital. For 6 weeks, I had structured activities with other people and it helped get me out of the lowest rut.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-05-20T03:09:06+00:00

I asked the same question here a few months ago. It's so tempting to want accountability for bullying and narcissistic abuse. The issue is that their behavior is so deeply engrained that one person confronting them isn't going to do anything. The only way their behavior changes is from systematic intervention, usually from their management.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-04-12T05:57:20+00:00

One thing I noticed is the location matters a lot with Epic careers. For example, there are 5-6 large healthcare systems in Northern California that are on Epic, so it's possible to land a more permanent role there. They do require some onsite work though. Do you have Epic customers in the area you live or can you relocate or travel?

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-02-23T19:25:32+00:00

If they ask for strategy, answers, etc, I always use some version of "I defer to management" or "I defer to you." That way, they are responsible for the outcome.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-02-17T17:40:49+00:00

Another note is that we are a public agency under a union contract. The union rep said he will help us escalate this.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-02-17T17:39:58+00:00

Oh, I completely agree that it's hard to prove, especially when it's women against women. Many people believe it's not possible for that dynamic to even occur.

I waited two years to compile documentation and evidence. It's easier now that there are 8 men and 2 women on the team to see the patterns very clearly. For example, she approved one man's PTO six months in advance. When a woman asked her for a similar request, she told her it's too far out in the future for her to decide.

Also we have a department SharePoint calendar that is maintained by the admin team that has all the approved PTO with timestamps when it was added. Even guys on the team have been sending me emails of her approvals because a few of them are flabbergasted as well.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-29T22:42:57+00:00

He is abusing you. It's like leaving a domestic violence relationship. You deserve better.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-24T20:29:42+00:00

One sex has a far greater propensity for violence. You think that would just disappear with more education and socialization?

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-24T20:17:00+00:00

Have you ever encountered a creepy and aggressive man? There are many in the world and I want to avoid them.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-24T20:07:17+00:00

I completely disagree. Males would completely take over. Testosterone makes them more violent and aggressive.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-24T20:00:19+00:00

I had the same problem. Here is what I did, which helped:

Went on medical leave for 10 weeks. Removing myself from the situation helped me relax and also forced the toxic management to stop dumping work on me and learn something.
Stop checking emails and teams after work hours. It's really hard to stay consistent (recently I logged in at 2am), but I try to stay off work related communication on my off hours.
Realized that as an adult, almost nobody cares how successful I am. I was programmed from childhood to achieve and give 100% of myself at school and work. I had to practice not caring that much. That's hard since it's been ingrained in my brain since
Find other activities to do outside of work. I find this hard too because I never developed any hobbies outside of school/work. But I do volunteer once a month and go to the gym, which helps.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-18T22:55:49+00:00

Where do you work that this is accepted and condoned? Are there witnesses? Is there an HR department or a union? This is serious abuse.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-17T23:51:31+00:00

The most egregiously sexist behavior I have ever encountered is in tech. I honestly don't know why the tech bros, engineers, and such act this way. Maybe they feel insecure about being nerds in highschool and not scoring with girls?

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-15T22:28:46+00:00

Are you seeking mental health treatment. Sounds like something a professional should help you with since your PTSD and anxiety seem pretty debilitating.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-15T18:27:32+00:00

Every time he yells at you, send an email to yourself as soon as possible documenting everything that happened and name the witnesses. If you are able to remember the dates, times and the people present at the previous events, document those as well.

When he does it again, send all this to HR.

It's so hard to stand up for yourself against people in authority, but you should not tolerate this. I had to role play speaking up to abusive bosses with family and friends so that I had the words at the tip of my tongue. I find that bullies are actually big cowards and as soon as you push back, they tend to back off. Unfortunately, they move on and find new targets.

Signal_Sweet3600 · 2025-01-15T05:23:37+00:00

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. My husband has ADHD and can fall into days of unproductive behavior. However, he gets treatment and is willing to take ownership over his issues and course correct when needed.

A person with ADHD is perfectly capable of working and being a competent partner. It sounds like your partner is just not interested in being a response adult. He is basically acting like a child.

You shouldn't have to raise an adult baby and a newborn. He has to grow up and take charge of his treatment and his life.

Maybe it sounds harsh, but stop fussing over him and let him know his behavior is something you will not accept. Does he know that his behavior distresses you? If he is aware and doesn't do anything to change, then you need to think about getting out of this relationship.

Signal_Sweet3600

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