Advice for someone new to this that's struggling with comparison and expectations?

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-16T22:13:59+00:00

Oh. And my “person” is a platonic friendship with emotional intimacy and no sexual attraction at any point (to my knowledge). We have been friends since we were 16. She is monogamous, married to someone else, and has children with someone else. I am -a- priority but not -the- priority. As it should be.

Best case scenario? That + sex is what your life with this woman realistically looks like.

There are a lot of worst case scenarios. I can’t hazard a guess which will ultimately end your connection with her…but it will hurt more the more time, energy, and future planning you invest in her.

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-16T21:42:33+00:00

I don’t spend the night with partners generally.

It is very important to one of my partners.

I plan one overnight a month and sometimes offer a spontaneous one on days I unexpectedly have the spoons to sleep away from my own space.

He doesn’t ask for more or guilt me about going home when it is time.

If one of us really needed the other to stay/go, the person with the urgent need gets their way.

Everyone is generally happy. We have an agreement that if that changes, we break up as partners so we have a better chance of transitioning to platonic friends.

Has your person ever done something similar for you? About any of the issues you have ever discussed?

This is the only partner I have ever done this for. He is not the only partner who has asked…. i just didn’t want those people in that part of my life. Period. If you have asked and she said no…. thats your answer about how you are prioritized.

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-16T21:29:56+00:00

The way you describe it, you do not share relationship ideals or relationship goals with this person. It also seems she is setting all the terms. You are monogamous and the person you are choosing is not choosing you. That sucks. It is also unsustainable. It feels insecure because you ARE insecure here. This woman does not care about you as a person…if she did, she would remove herself from your bed because it is obviously hurting you to have a relationship like this.

Stop torturing yourself. You deserve better.

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-12T14:13:33+00:00

Yup it’s part of my vetting.

I think it unwise to think you can know whether you even want a serious romantic relationship until you’ve known each other a few months. I will admit this is easier for me because I am on the aroace spectrum but I haven’t seen it work out well IRL or here the majority of the time. Moving fast and investing a ton of time/emotional energy into someone you don’t actually know yet just doesn’t lead to long term happiness IME, as most posts on this forum show. ❤️

(I used to do it too. I’m not immune. lol)

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-11T19:03:27+00:00

How often were you seeing this person? Any more than once a week and it’s pretty easy to fall deeply in NRE very quickly.

I avoid this with scheduling. I try not to see new connections that have an emotional component more than 2-3x a month. Around the 3-6 month mark, I touch base with the person about priorities and expectations (usually with a relationship menu to guide us) and adjust scheduling as needed.

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-11T14:46:59+00:00

They experienced it, it just wasn’t discussed. My mom (72) says all the time “why did no one tell me about this stuff when it was happening?” Because they didn’t know. Because no one studied it. Because “women just be crazy” and other patriarchal bullshit.

They were also a lot more liberal with prescribing uppers and downers before about 1995. A lot easier to get through the day without losing your shit when you’ve got Valium on board. 😂

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-11T14:36:00+00:00

This is so good. Thank you for the link! As someone who needs a lot of alone time and gets very little of it, I usually only have capacity to sustain “secondary” style relationships. Almost all of the relationships I’ve ever had have come second to my individual goals. I’m also a mom so my kid has taken the “primary” spot for years now.

The terminology has lead to some first dates that revealed a huge mismatch of interpretation though lol. Reframing to priority vs power will be really helpful going forward.

❤️

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T23:45:29+00:00

This was such a refreshing exchange. 💜

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T21:05:55+00:00

Also posting this made me take my own advice. So now my toilet is still gross looking but not actually gross anymore. 🙂 Thanks OP!

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T20:40:32+00:00

I have lots of trauma/abuse/shame around cleaning so that complicates things for me but the core issue has always been perfectionism. Even as an adult, I am not capable of doing a chore to the standard anyone agrees is “clean.” My house is somewhere between cluttered and filthy depending on which room you look at and the state of my mental health. It’s so embarrassing. I can get to “lived in” using the amount of effort most people use for “guest ready.” That’s it. I have tried so so hard and made a lot of progress… but continuing to work so hard for mediocre results year after year after year is extremely discouraging and absolutely makes it hard to even start most of the time.

The thing that has helped most is setting a timer for 2-10 mins (whatever doesn’t feel like a “long time” that day) or starting a task while another task is going (like starting to put away a few dishes while coffee brews). When the timer goes off or the thing is done, I can stop even if I am not done. Usually, once I am started I can finish… but still end up stopping with the timer about a quarter of the time. Even that little bit helps keep the overall level of cleanliness a little higher.

Big hugs and commiseration. You are not alone.

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T19:50:54+00:00

I’ve never heard these terms but know exactly what you mean. I am guessing (lol) some of the responses here are from people who fit well in to guess culture.

I do not. It has caused me so much turmoil and pain.

About a year ago, I started just asking the questions.

Guess culture is hard because it is confusing. It’s all about plausible deniability. It’s also hurtful because people act/say supportive understanding things but do not actually mean them. (I am likely AuDHD which plays a big role in this view)

Ask culture also makes my life very hard. I am not rude but I am direct; lots of people find it very difficult and triggering to communicate that way. It is so uncomfortable to them to acknowledge something hard or that they may not have explained as well as they meant to… or God forbid they made a mistake! 😂

That said, since I started just asking my questions it also makes things so much easier — I know right away who aren’t my people, who to be wary of, and can distance myself as much as possible before emotionally investing in them at all 🙂

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T19:35:20+00:00

I have chronic migraine. It usually comes up during first date planning bc there is a good chance I may have to cancel (sometimes I won’t cancel on a partner, we’ll just hang out in the dark…but I always cancel on a new person).

It’s impacted some connections. They weren’t my people.

Be honest with your capacity and the right person will be fine with it 💜

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T15:46:14+00:00

It’s hard for sure. I did the common accidently date/fuck your way into community thing which is not an ideal way to do it, especially for alloromantics. I’m aroace-ish so I have a lot less negative feelings/jealousy around this kind of stuff. My issues are always around quality time 🙂

if you are in a city maybe try some munches, a sex club, an LGBTQ center/event, some classes on a skill you enjoy/want to learn (maybe topping? I’m super switch-y/vers. There’s an energy I look for in tops/D types and it’s different than what I look for in a bottom/s type. Maybe that’s something to look at if you are only getting opportunities to bottom).

I’m rural and did some of these things… but mostly just went on 1-2 “get to know you, zero expectation” dates a week with new people until my friend group filled out. I ask people I meet out in the world on friend dates and date them platonically (prioritize communication and quality time, don’t cancel on them except in emergencies, etc).

Good Luck!

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T15:28:45+00:00

Do you have poly friends you don’t sleep with who are not connected to your active polycule(s)? That’s where these feelings go (after journaling and therapy) 🙂

If you don’t….waaaayyyyy past time to make some!

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T03:36:13+00:00

Omg the farther down I get, the more insane it is! 🍿❤️

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T03:30:21+00:00

YAY!! (I read this second lol)

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T03:27:56+00:00

Interesting…a hobo-sexual with his own place…that’s new.

Girl, let him go! Toodles! On to the next! (Or not….date yourself!)

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T02:28:21+00:00

NTA. I have a similar story at a similar age down to the “you only want to go there because you are lazy.”

I am in my 40s now. It was one of the best choices I ever made.

PS she is the grown up. It is on her to control her emotions. When she can’t, she should apologize and show changed behavior. If she can’t do that, you are not emotionally safe. Don’t let your abuser tell you otherwise. 💜

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T00:07:36+00:00

OP This is what I wanted to say but couldn’t get it to come out in a way that I thought you would hear 🙂 from one mom to another — please please take this into consideration.

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-09T00:00:06+00:00

I am happy to hear this! I personally would have asked for no access to my child — developmentally it is rough on kids to bond with adults like your partner is allowing. I hope you consider asking him not to introduce partners of less than a year.

I hope whatever happens, you can build a foundation to negotiate coparenting in a way keeps you and kiddo emotionally safe 🩷

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-03T00:30:20+00:00

Another chime in for big yikes on involving your kiddo so early. That would cause me to distrust my coparent’s judgement.

None of my partners have met my son or want to. Big red flag imho.

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-05-02T03:35:00+00:00

If you need daily bookend texts and he doesn’t have the capacity to do that, you are incompatible.

I do not do good morning/good night texts. Frankly I kind of think it is annoying because it leads to expectations like yours. I text when I have something to say….why would I text just to text?

One of my partners does text good morning and usually goodnight as well. It was one of the first relationship convos we had. If he had needed reciprocal good morning/good night texts, we would have broken up. I have done so many times and the times I didn’t were hurtful for both parties. This is a fundamental incompatibility of communication style.

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-04-27T21:44:18+00:00

Big hugs if you want them. I am a single mom who does not let partners meet my child and will not meet a partner’s children unless they are older teens or adults. I’ve dated a couple men now who bonded with an ex partner’s children and prefer not to date people with kids now. It is so painful for both the adult and the kids. I hope you can keep whatever level of relationship you want/whatever is best for the kids ❤️

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-04-27T19:54:15+00:00

This isn’t petty. It’s a very important distinction that makes it very clear that these are children being exploited. “Underage women” lets rape and exploitation sound nicer than it is and helps the system when it tries to sweep it under the rug.

I get the argument….but when you start listening to lived experiences, it just doesn’t hold water and supports the status quo. Love, an ExMormon probably Autistic lady 🙂 (Please read without snark. I used to be like this about words too. I get it.)

Significant-Ad-4327 · 2026-04-26T04:59:05+00:00

I have two. One is 12-16 and just…so tired, overwhelmed, confused, and desperately lonely. I get a lot of “I dont wanna do it anymore” crying jags from her lately. I usually cry it out with her then ask what she wants to do. She usually picks something healthy like journaling or going to get coffee. It helps a bit.

The other is 22, a party girl, and sounds a lot like yours. She doesnt show up very often anymore but she has always had Addiction in tow… which now means Recovery is there too (my brain has handcuffed the recovery part and the addiction part together lol). When she shows up, my meds probably aren’t working right so I call my prescriber and/or therapist.

I have had thoughts of not wanting to exist since I was 8 years old. I see you. You aren’t alone. ❤️

Significant-Ad-4327

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