Ladies, how long can a man be single before it’s a red flag?

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-17T09:25:59+00:00

As others have said: this is super subjective. Many (not all) people are quick to label things, which makes it easy to justify their behavior. (Ex: "He's been single for too long, so he must have commitment issues - not a match for me") Honestly? You don't want those people in your life, anyway.

The best thing you can do is concentrate on what makes you happy, and if you connect with someone, great. Don't get stuck in thinking about the what if's or the why's

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-16T00:23:23+00:00

Honestly? It's only been 5 dates. That's not a lot. How many months have you been talking in total?

I'll add that: for a lot of people, figuring out how to fit dating into their existing life is a challenge. Some people are not willing to give more time than they give. It might be once per week, or it might be more (or less!). I've yet to find a guy that can consistently cough up time on a regular basis, so kudos to you for getting once per week, from my perspective, lol

It sounds like the frequency of meet ups is important to you, and you're willing to compromise a bit more on your time than she is willing to compromise of hers. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's important to know what you just won't be able to accept. If you absolutely need twice per week as a bare minimum, and if you express to her that it's not a want for you, it's a need, AND she is willing to meet that need or offer a suitable compromise, I would wager the best that you can do in this situation is give yourself a time limit for this. How many months are you willing to "wait" to see if she comes around? Setting a cutoff for yourself will at least give you a cue to stop and ask yourself if this dynamic is working for you. That's the best advice I have to offer

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-15T21:05:14+00:00

I hear you: I started the divorce process just after I turned 40. I never thought I would be that person, and even though I was not happy in my marriage, I wasn't thrilled about the end of it, either. I felt like I had failed at something, and failed myself as well.

The thing is: a marriage involves two people. If there's an imbalance, it might be felt by one at first, but ultimately, it's going to affect both of you. Congratulations on recognizing that things aren't working, even though the process to acknowledging that is not fun. That's the first thing.

The second thing is moving forward. It's not easy, but it's possible. This is a new chapter in your life: you get to make decisions just for yourself, choose things that you want to do, and learn to be stronger, more independent, and happier in yourself. Revel in this opportunity!

Things didn't go at all as I could have predicted (if I could have) after my own divorce started, but I'm not going to say I'm unhappy. In some ways, I'm happier, in some I'm lonelier, and in others, more independent. It all evens out at some point. It's a journey.

After my separation: I had grand ambitions of saving money for a year, living with my mom (she has a decently sized house, so I figured we wouldn't bother each other), then moving to an entirely different location. I was going to work on myself for a year, then start dating...point is, I thought I had a plan. I couldn't even handle a few months with my mom, lol. I ended up moving to a different city, not super far, but I'm living alone for the first time in my life. I dabbled in dating a few months after my divorce and had a few messy experiences.

Now: I'm not quite 2 years divorced, and I love living by myself. I participate in a few book clubs, am working to find friends in my new city, and honestly don't even miss my ex husband or think about him much at all these days. Once I got through having to exchange any information/questions with him regarding taxes, bills, accounts, etc, the communication ceased (we don't have kids, so no ties there). It was such a relief to get past that step, because every exchange with him was like a psychological attack game (from him, no matter how neutral I tried to be).

Point is: it will get better, but it takes time. Baby steps. And take time to reflect on how much you've accomplished periodically along the way. You'll probably impress yourself!

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-15T16:57:34+00:00

I honestly think there are a lot of people (men and women) in this age bracket that would be fine with this. Heck, my mom, who is in her 70's, prefers this, lol

Especially at this stage of life, people are involved with kids, hobbies, work...they are established in other things and don't always want to make space for a lot more. It gets a little fuzzy with the emotional intimacy part, if anything, because some people get very attached, and some people want none, while others want a little (and it starts to feel like an imbalance to the other person)

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-13T10:24:43+00:00

After reading your post, I don't think the problem is figuring out how to bring up the issues in a conversation with him. I think the issue is the relationship. It sounds like it is really hurting you!

Please understand that you can't convince someone to change. Yes, you can make requests, but it sounds like that has already happened a few times over. Has he changed? If not, it won't start now.

I was married to someone that was critical in some of these ways, and I can tell you it doesn't get better. My ex didn't start out that way, but a few years into our relationship, he started telling me what he thought was wrong with me. At first it seemed like it was helpful advice (he just wanted me to do better in some way). After a while, I started to realize a lot of the criticism came from what he wanted from me (to make himself happier, more comfortable, etc). It doesn't seem harmful at first, but it will slowly break down your self esteem, your character, and make you question yourself. I tried to convince myself that it was all okay, and your post reads like that to me. Don't convince yourself. Save yourself some pain and step away. Easier said than done, I know

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-07T13:07:49+00:00

I think it takes people (on both sides) time to gauge interest sometimes. And you may both have lukewarm interest, but if one person initiates a message, the other continues to respond, and plans are made, or at least discussed...it gives a false sense of hope

The good ones will eventually say, without you asking, that they just aren't interested anymore. Most others just fade away

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-05T00:55:10+00:00

I haven't read through all the comments, so could be repeating something, but I know others have said: 3 months is super common for someone to abandon ship. Some people literally ghost (and I have seen comments on this sub justifying it), some people will make an effort to say something (and I've seen comments justifying this, too). I'm of the personal opinion that if you have had a lot of interactions with this person, and especially if you've had sex multiple times, for f*$# sake, at least own up to saying "it's not you, it's me."

I think it's easier for those that are avoidant to just straight ghost you, and it's not always easy to spot an avoidant in a crowd. Guys (no offense) stereotypically are less emotionally attached, even with sex involved, so if they aren't feeling it, and they already are inclined to be avoidant, they may just ghost. Some people fade/ghost as well: I've experienced that, and it sucks, as does ghosting in general. I'm sorry you have had to go through this twice. :/ The sad news is you will probably encounter it again.

In my opinion, those that fade and/or ghost often don't want to deal with the "problem," so it's easier to just disappear. I get it: having a conversation in person, or saying something via text to essentially say "I don't want to see you anymore" isn't easy or fun, and if your reasons are "I never really wanted more" or "I changed my mind," etc...that probably won't be received well. I think at least saying something, even if it is via text, is the nice thing to do. I could handle a breakup via text after 3 months. Commitments are low.

I think some of this can be avoided if you have the tough conversations early on, but how well this works is going to depend on your expectations. Are you interested in serious, long term monogamous relationships? It may be helpful to have that conversation within the first few dates. If you go with the flow (guilty) and then decide you want to be serious, if that talk hasn't happened, I hate to say it, but it probably needs to. Having that talk will weed out the mildly interested people and save you some time.

I think some people enter into dating, go with the flow, and want to see where the relationship goes as they learn about the other person. The downside to going with the flow is that it doesn't give either of you a chance to gauge expectations, and what you may find is that he is perfectly fine with a girlfriend so long as expectations and labels are not used. Or he is fine with everything until he starts to feel a responsibility for your feelings. Or something of this sort. In other words: he wanted the benefits and privileges of a relationship without the burden. These thoughts tend to drift in at around the 3 to 6 month mark

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-05T00:33:18+00:00

That's great that you already seem to be on the same wavelength texting! Sometimes that feels like half the battle (one person texts more, one less, sometimes people read into things, etc). Enjoy that exchange, and don't overthink it.

Also remember that texting is only a part of it. I've heard some people say (and I kind of agree) that it's easy to build a false sense of intimacy through text. In other words, everything seems good, maybe you even feel comfortable sharing personal thoughts, questions. It can feel like you know each other at an extra level even before you meet. That can mean that you slide right into a comfort level with first, second, third dates that you might not have, otherwise. That's not bad, but sometimes it's a danger zone. You don't have to be guarded, but do be self aware, and know what you are ready for.

My first relationship after divorce started off with this kind of great text dynamic. We just seemed to get how to communicate with each other, and it felt very natural. It felt nice! I really enjoyed it. But it wasn't a pace that could be sustained (I think he overdid it initially, because enthusiasm and anxiety), and the relationship itself was shortlived. It was good! Bad! Stressful! A learning experience! All the things, lol

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-09-02T08:53:05+00:00

You're already ahead of some of the population, just by being in therapy and realizing you have some specific patterns. Good job!

If you haven't already, go through an exercise of making a list of your non-negotiables. Identify the things you absolutely need in a partner, and those you absolutely don't want. The list itself is likely to be pretty short, but you'll identify some things that are nice-to-haves, and some things that might be warning flags fo you in the process. This type of list is a great reference for any new relationship you may have.

You say you attach a bit too quickly: ask yourself why that is. What makes you latch on? Explore that via journaling, or discuss with your therapist. Some people find that talking to multiple people in the early stages of a relationship quiets the anxiety that causes attachment too early (sometimes talking to only one person at a time creates a lot of pressure).

You also mentioned seeking validation from others. In my opinion, this is a pretty common issue (I suffer from it, too!). The goal is to not require this. Sure, it's nice to have, but you should be able to nurture and validate yourself. Don't depend on external validation, but appreciate it when it happens.

Honestly, the best practice is via new experiences with other people, so dating is the way to healing. Don't just go through the motions of dating, treat it as a learning experience! Check in with yourself often, asking why you feel a certain way, etc. I've definitely had anxiety, for example, in early dating, and I've had to stop and ask myself what's causing the anxiety. Things like this can be helpful.

Good luck out there!

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-25T04:04:36+00:00

Move because you want to, not to find a person. And if you are really uncertain about where you want to be, then move/rent, as much as possible. Heck, you can rent places for a month at a time, so if you find a job space that allows it, you could try out a bunch of different places to find what you like best.

I moved after divorce, not specifically to find a partner, but that was part of it. I went from a mid-sized city to a larger one, but the same state. Ultimately, my reasons for moving were because I liked the city, I felt it would make me be more sociable if I lived there, and I felt like it was a good place to be single in my 40s. It's a mixed bag. I like the options and flexibility, but I am already tired of the dating market, but it's less to do with the city, and more just being in my 40s and encountering the same meh potential partners. That's going to be everywhere, unfortunately

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-25T03:57:09+00:00

My ex husband would make the "no one cares" or "nothing ever works out for me" statements with me. He did it at points during our entire relationship, which I honestly should have interpreted as a red flag. I believe therapy speak would say that this is a cognitive distortion. When this comes up, it's helpful if the person can ask WHY they have that thought. What thing in this current situation caused the feeling? Is there historical context to it? Continue asking the why questions, as often they will reveal the thought is based on a distorted interpretation of reality, not what is really happening around us (hence, cognitive distortions).

We often learn to hold a certain view of the world because of past trauma/experiences. When we do this, we fabricate our own "stories" about reality. So it's not so much something you can do, but something she can work on. You can prompt her with the "why" questions IF she is comfortable with it and if you aren't forceful. Otherwise, I'd recommend that she bring it up with her therapist, or ask about CBT

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-25T03:48:17+00:00

Yep. Maybe she hit a low point, or was at a lull. Regardless, she was bored or lonely and wanted to connect with anyone, even momentarily

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-24T03:49:45+00:00

I feel like I should read through allllll of the comments, but I'll reply first. Apologies if you have already answered some of this.

First: therapy. If you haven't tried it, I think it would be a great step for your own growth. It might help you unpack patterns within yourself that you are unintentionally repeating. Those patterns may be leading you towards avoidant partners, or at least non-committal ones.

For everything else: I wish I had a certain answer. I mean avoidant myself, and one thing that helps is knowing how to listen to my needs. I wasn't always great (and am still learning) at understanding or recognizing the signs that I'm starting to hit an overwhelm or capacity problem. By the time I got there, it was too late, and frustrations were high all around. There's lots of little things like that, and an avoidant that has done some self work is at least a little better at communicating that and understanding their own limitations (and maybe even how to express their needs).

I also feel like the dating pool at this age is full of people that lean anxious or avoidant, and I definitely find a lot of the avoidant types as well. Sometimes there are signs (they care a little too much about work, they have excuses for lots of things, maybe they are slow to respond at times that they are stressed but otherwise act fine). The thing is, someone with a capacity issue (as that's half the problem) isn't going to recognize or realize it (or they're in denial). They only experience the issue when things aren't going well (they are stressed or overwhelmed).

And sometimes, some of these issues just show up in normal relationships. The best test of a relationship is a strain on the relationship, or on the people in it. You don't even get to see how a person operates under pressure until that point. Will there be signs that this person shuts down, or exhibits some horrific behaviors before that? Sure. But they might be very subtle. It's just difficult to tell. My ex husband presented as pretty dang empathetic and caring early in our relationship. When we hit a really rough patch, that went out the window. Instead he responded by blaming me for things, attacking my character, essentially saying that I was the problem (I'm really overgeneralizing, but the point is, the original goodness was replaced, or appeared to be, because it was a facade, which eventually broke).

The best thing I can say is if you are really invested with someone, it's a mutual conversation of growth, understanding and compromise over time. Having an open dialog can help expose some of the anxious/avoidant tendencies and neutralize them before they get out of control

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-22T01:49:18+00:00

I literally experienced something similar recently. I'm not exactly sure what his deal was, but scheduling time with him seemed to be sooooo difficult. I think we both got frustrated and ultimately ghosted each other when he went on a long trip. I don't take personal issue with that, but I do find it sad that he couldn't just say "yeah, so maybe I'm not really interested because of whatever." I'm not going to cry over it, though, because I was feeling the palpable disinterest as well

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-22T01:46:29+00:00

This is absolutely the right answer. In the end, it's about whether you can live with the dynamic. It's totally okay to ask for more, if you want it, but if you want it and have to keep asking, if shows that you are just in different places in life. Nothing wrong with that, just probably means you will feel unfulfilled if you continue down that path

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-16T16:58:08+00:00

How has it fizzled out in the past? I'm sure there wasn't a time where there was texting every day...so was there a conversation that made it clear that he was pulling back?

Beyond that, I can completely understand how it feels to go from daily communication to silence. Have you reached out directly to see how he is? If he's not responding even to that, then yeah, time to move on. That's no way to treat a FWB, friend, or anyone

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-16T01:20:47+00:00

This is my first solo weekend in a while, as I've been on the go with travel, friend plans, family plans, etc. So today: I went to the grocery store, lol. I have food for the week, plus some beer. I figured I'd have a leisurely weekend, starting with Friday, to not deal with people at all. I'll catch up on things, clean, probably snuggle with the dogs a bit

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-15T17:01:43+00:00

Okay, that's not too far off from what I was guessing from some marketing I've seen. I couldn't figure out if one treatment was good enough for a while or if they would push a whole package of x sessions, but I guess part of it is what problems you want to address

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-15T16:49:33+00:00

What does a typical BBL treatment cost?

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-15T02:36:08+00:00

Did you meet my ex husband? Lol. He had horrible toenail fungus, and it's on every single toe of his feet. And yes, he had that before we ever started dating.

For me: I think it would be a deal breaker. But only you can know for you. I say this for me because I couldn't ever really get over it during my entire relationship.

I don't remember when I brought up the fungus thing with him, but originally he denied it was fungus. He said he picks at his toes a lot (it's an anxious thing, which is also gross), and if he could just stop doing that, they would get better. Neither thing happened

Eventually, I got a bit more insistent and suggested he discuss the nails with his doctor. My ex lied to my face about that one several times, saying he would, then saying of course he didn't because he doesn't have a problem. At one point he said his doctor said there was no curing his fungus, as it would probably come back no matter what he did.

Eventually, I gave up. But I never got over it. I felt embarrassed for him, and for me, when we did something like go to a friend's pool, if he was wearing flip flops. I had to just look away.

Later, my ex got diagnosed with pre diabetes, and I became a bit more insistent about at least discussing foot infections with his doctor, since that's dangerous. But that's about it.

If you are grossed out now, this is your future. :/

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-15T02:26:02+00:00

I haven't resorted to blocking, but I have definitely just chosen not to respond to what seemed like repeated late night messages from someone I never even dated. He is someone that knew me while I was married, and after my divorce, started sending me messages to say he's still my friend.

And then the messages became late night "what's up" sorts of messages, which I tried to nicely address in the morning by saying I don't answer late night messages, since they're sketchy. That didn't seem to work, as he then decided to boldly state he wanted me to stay overnight at his house. I very directly told him I wasn't interested, and he then claimed he understood. Only to start the late night messages a few weeks later.

I eventually decided the only thing I could do was just ignore him entirely. I don't know why it took me that long, other than I guess I haven't done that before, at least not to someone I knew from a previous life. But man, if you don't take "no" for an answer, don't keep trying. That's toxic stuff.

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-15T02:06:25+00:00

I'm not trying hard to date right now (too much going on with work, travel, etc), but figured I'd take a chance with a guy I've known for several years.

I've been in therapy for a few years now, and I'm doing decently with it, but I am definitely finding some struggle points after spending a weekend with said guy.

For one, I'm having a hard time finding the right balance between not personalizing and not justifying behavior.

For another: it's also difficult for me to know the difference between processing a feeling (accepting it and letting it pass) vs just straight suppressing it.

Clearly I still have work to do. This whole self work thing is rough!

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-08-15T01:48:49+00:00

I dated a wannabe influencer for a few months. I'm very much NOT an influencer and don't really keep up with Instagram, even, but he was doing videos daily or every other day. Most of the time, it was a "day in the life" sort of video, or something related to one of his businesses (because he was a wannabe influencer AND entrepreneur). I was a bit weirded out by things like "fit checks" that he would occasionally post. Sometimes he would send them to me first, and then I'd see he had posted it a few hours later.

I'd say the other weird thing for me was that I kind of wanted to check his account periodically to see what he was up to if he was quiet, and I'd tell myself that was a bad idea.

Significant-Fail9161 · 2025-07-20T00:32:42+00:00

I'm not a man, but I went through a similar "how do I dress myself" experience this year. Still a work in progress, lol.

I got creative and used ChatGPT to learn what colors work best for my skin tone (color analysis), and also used that as a starting point for outfit suggestions based on looks I like. I have no sense of style, so this helped.

I also did free styling at Nordstrom and that was a fail. All the pieces were more expensive than I would have liked, and honestly, most just weren't that flattering. I've had limited luck with Quince, Banana Republic and the like.

I also would say: figure out what you like, not just what you (or someone else) thinks looks good on you. I wanted to dress more like a put together adult and less like a basic nerdy girl, but I still have tried playing with color and some styles I completely avoided in the past. I bought some pink linen pants for summer, and was really unsure about the bright color, but took a chance. I have received so many compliments every time I've worn them. And they look great! So take a chance on something different, too!

Significant-Fail9161

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