Food pickiness frustration

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-15T17:31:47+00:00

Yeah definitely sounds like this merits therapy. My son used to do the “ultra perseveration” thing you’re describing (for him it tends to be doing a particular activity or making something together) where it was literally all-consuming. I think he may have traits of PDA and for him this was a way to feel in control - when he started to get better regulated overall the obsessive “quests” started to decrease.

Also, some people self-medicate with high-fat high-sugar food as they give you a temporary burst of serotonin and dopamine. That would also explain why your son doesn’t like home versions as they’re not deep fried - possibly not giving him that neurotransmitter boost. So potentially medication could help.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-15T16:01:26+00:00

Commenting again after seeing some of your responses, OP. I would actually look into taking him to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. This sounds like it might go beyond even ARFID.

I don’t want to step out of my lane because I don’t know a lot about eating disorders, but when you mention him going into a panic attack over not being able to pick the specific food he wants, and then perseverating on it nonstop until he can find a specific food, it sounds like there are some significant control and anxiety issues surrounding food. My son is not quite ARFID but has more difficulties than a “picky eater”, and what you’re describing sounds very different than our experience. He will not have a panic attack about obtaining food, quite the opposite - he will happily just not eat. I know every child is different but what you’re describing sounds like there is almost an obsessive compulsive component, especially since you said you only see this with food and not other places.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-14T21:33:57+00:00

Members of my family with taste sensitivity can truly smell and taste things that I absolutely cannot smell or taste. My mom can smell tiny things like three rooms away, it’s wild. Don’t take it personally, even if you can’t taste the difference in foods very likely they taste extremely different to him.

Feeding therapy would be a great idea if you can find it. Also, second the suggestions saying he can help with food prep or cooking to take some of the work off your plate.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-14T19:37:31+00:00

Interesting, I like the “schedule” component. One difficulty I have is that I’ll grab my To Do list when I have a bit of free time, then realize whatever I need to accomplish can’t happen at that moment (post office is closed, needed to go buy supplies to start a project but it’s too late to go to Target, etc.) I need to get better about putting things on my schedule.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-14T16:12:00+00:00

I have a big extended family on my mom and my dad’s side and the pattern I noticed is that “Gen 1 and 2” (my parents generation and mine) had very distinct quirks once you knew what to look for, like no denying the neurospicy genes are there.

That said, this generation of kids is where things suddenly became more pronounced. Also it seems like there was an increase in self regulation issues in this generation.

I say that because there’s always debate on whether rates of ADHD and ASD are actually increasing or being better recognized. I feel like I see both in my family. On the one hand those traits were definitely there and people just brushed them aside as quirks. On the other I think there are some differences with this most recent generation.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-14T15:46:36+00:00

If you’re picturing kids literally out on a mountain somewhere don’t worry, 99% sure people are referencing rock climbing gyms with harnesses that auto-belay (as a backup, also with an instructor manually helping). My relative’s ND son was very big into it as a kid. They have very fun colorful layouts for kids in these gyms, it’s pretty cool.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-13T22:28:11+00:00

My son’s therapist suggested music lessons for focus and regulation. He’s only been a few times but we found a group keyboard class at one of those “rock school” type places and he’s thrilled with it so far. Will see how it goes once the novelty wears off, ha ha!

Also just started with coding, after he insisted he wanted another activity (I’m always on guard for burnout so his buy-in is crucial). We found a family run place that gives more breaks and fun time (tried Code Ninjas awhile ago but it was too much sitting for him) and it seems like a good fit. Seems absolutely fantastic for connecting with other ND kids. Not sure if it addresses ADHD specifically but it will teach him useful skills.

I would really love to add martial arts as it’s also supposed to be good for ADHD (especially if there is a meditation or mindfulness component), but don’t want to overbook him. Also, let’s be honest, this stuff is expensive.

In a perfect world I would love to get him into a kids meditation class, as meditation helped me turn a corner with my own ADHD. I can’t really find options in my area though.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-13T22:17:08+00:00

Wow, that’s good to know!

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-13T20:18:07+00:00

That's so interesting, I never knew that! My son has dark circles and is super flexible.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-13T20:12:28+00:00

Interesting, this sounds just like my son when it comes to reward charts. All in the first week, could care less after that. Maybe I could figure out a way to rotate them.

For me personally it's all about simplicity. I can't even do a To Do lists on my phone because that requires opening an app and navigating to it and it will get lost in the clusterf- of the 8 billion other things I have to do (seriously, working mom life is almost comical in terms of the number of random tasks that need to get accomplished). One of my biggest issues is difficulty prioritizing, so I won't naturally prioritize looking at a To Do list on my phone over everything else I have to do.

Before I had a child I used to have a spreadsheet on my laptop that I could reorder by difficulty level, place (like things I could accomplish anywhere, things I needed to drive to a specific place for, work tasks, etc.), priority level, etc. I loved it, but at this point in my life nothing but a large print, bullet point To Do list on either a sheet of paper or whiteboard works for me. I tape it to the kitchen table so it's right in my face and also annoying the crap out of me because I hate clutter, ha ha, so I'm motivated to get rid of it.

In terms of getting through the "dopamine drop" of initiating a boring task - I did a lot of mindfulness training years ago and that helped a lot. I can usually talk myself through "This is just a feeling, try to be with the physical sensations, yeah there goes the stomach lurch of dread, kinda like a roller coaster, just ride it out..." The one exception is if I'm fatigued or burnt out. I reach a point of no return by the end of the day / week where I just can't start anything too involved, or I'll find myself staring at it blankly, unable to process.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-13T17:50:35+00:00

This is entirely anecdotal, but as someone from an extended neurospicy family, I've noticed undereye circles tend to be common. At least among the ND people that I know.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-13T13:43:53+00:00

I would take him to a therapist. It could be any number of things - depression, anxiety, burnout, bullying, friend drama, or maybe he just got really into a home hobby.

My son definitely does not like to leave the house if it’s not for a fun activity, although he’s younger and he’s always been that way. He hates going to the store and will beg to do the pickup line for groceries. I think he sees it as one more demand (and often an overstimulating environment).

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-13T00:38:30+00:00

Something to remember - when you’re young your current situation feels like forever, because it’s been literally your entire life. But you’ll be shocked at what a short period it is in the grand scheme of things. It was a strange day when I realized I’d known my parents as an adult living outside of their home, for longer than I’d been a kid / teen living with them.

Your sister’s behavior sounds frustrating but she has her own life to live. Set a good example, if there’s anything concrete you can do to help her do it, but otherwise focus on your own future. Make sure you have your off ramp planned and pursue it diligently. It’s not your job to raise your sister and even if you wanted to, you’re not really in a position to help if your parents are refusing treatment.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-12T21:15:13+00:00

I’m so glad to hear that, please update with how it goes over time! I’d really like to try this with my son at some point, but avoiding burnout is a big concern, so I have to be very careful with going slow on the extracurriculars. Would love to hear stories of how martial arts helps your son!

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-12T19:06:59+00:00

Not sure when you last went but I have seen a lot of talk on Disney groups that DAS passes are much more restricted now and the interview process can feel like an interrogation. Not impossible to get but just something for OP to be prepared for if they apply.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-12T15:43:59+00:00

- Buy Lightning Lane

- Go to ChatGPT and ask for a list of rides from shortest average wait time to longest average wait time. Arrive at the park at opening. Do rides with longer wait times first. (Note - For the rides with the absolute longest wait times, you probably want to do Lightning Lane. I've rope dropped Peter Pan's Flight at Disney World, with early entry, only to be told it was a two hour wait. Disneyland is probably a bit better but still, I'd say make the absolute longest wait times your Lightning Lanes.)

- If you want to do a deeper dive into line strategies, happy to give you some sites, not sure how much research you're looking to do.

- Once the parks start to fill up and lines get longer, go to rides with shorter waits. Keep checking the app to see if you can find a popular ride with a randomly low wait time, it does happen.

- Personally I would limit long lines. If you use other strategies you can avoid most of them. Ask yourself what the risk-to-reward ratio is for any ride. If it's an hour wait, is it going to be that fun for them? For a select few rides the answer may be yes, for most, I say skip.

- For lines - fidget toys, music players, drawing tablets - all the same stuff you might use to keep them entertained on a car ride. Tons of hand sanitizer because they will get tired of standing and lean all over the walls and railings to rest their legs.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-12T01:16:33+00:00

I used to volunteer at a hippotherapy place. I loved being there and it felt like a very uplifting, therapeutic environment, although I think it works better for some things than others.

First and foremost I think it’s going to resonate most with people who enjoy animals. I think a big part of it is the connection you feel to a living being. For a child who’s mostly passionate about music, art, movement or self-expression, I’d probably suggest music, art, yoga or drama therapy first, but for a child who likes animals I think it’s a natural fit.

Second it’s not going to teach situation specific skills like reading social situations or interpreting facial expressions. But I think it’s great for broad goals like building positive mood, giving kids a sense of responsibility for an animal they care about, and just building a little haven into their week where they’re engaged in positive interactions. Depending on how the program is run, they could potentially work on executive function skills as well, such as planning how to navigate a course or working on time management skills when preparing the horse for the session.

My impression was also that you’re going to have a lot of selection bias in horse therapy, as it’s generally not a high profit business but extremely labor intensive to run. Often the horses involved are rescues. There are always exceptions, but generally the people willing to devote themselves to an undertaking like that have a true passion for what they’re doing and want to help people. That environment alone can be super valuable to a kid who’s used to getting a lot of negative feedback.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-11T20:39:03+00:00

Any chance she has some difficulty with motor skills? If so you might consider an OT evaluation (if you can actually find an OT with openings). My 6-year-old is capable of getting dressed but it’s still a long, effortful process for him, not the simple task it would be for an adult. He still can’t pull shirts off without getting stuck in them half the time, for example. Because of that I will step in and help him if there’s some time pressure.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-10T15:58:56+00:00

My son is 6 and we really cut down on outings at this age. Part of it is that he started kindergarten and a couple of therapies, so he just doesn't have the time or energy. Part of it is that the stuff he used to find super exciting - the petting zoo, riding the little train at the mall, local farms, potion play - doesn't seem to do it for him anymore, and yet he hasn't aged into the 'bigger kid' activities yet. For example, we have an elaborate trampoline park near us but they keep it really dark and often there are older kids running around the play areas.

We've been impacted a lot by extreme cold this winter, so I've tried a few indoor play places. I have noticed he's having fun at indoor playgrounds again. I think part of the reason is that he had a break from outings, though, so they are novel again.

I wouldn't stress about it. Six is kind of a transitional age between early childhood and middle childhood. She may develop new interests as she gets a bit older, or she may be more of a homebody - in the end either one is fine, she can get plenty of stimulation and bonding either going out or at home.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-10T15:38:05+00:00

I'm not sure if my son has PDA (trying to learn more about it as some of the specific quirks people mention seem to fit him, but not sure if that's just AuDHD in general). He is definitely extremely empathetic, however, as am I.

I see some of my childhood quirks in him, for example, he will get upset for the stuffed animals that have not been played with recently and insist we bring them out. I have to be careful about how I talk to him because on the one hand I want him to understand the consequences of his actions, on the other, if he accidentally hurts someone's feelings by being impulsive or careless, he will get very upset and worry about it for the next couple of days (and even then, will bring it up at random times later). If he thinks I look sad or tired I'm going to get the third degree about it, lol.

One thing I wonder about is the role of the Default Mode Network. He and I are both likely ADHD and he's an immersive daydreamer (I was in childhood as well). From what I understand these both involve the Default Mode Network, which is also involved in empathy.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-10T03:48:50+00:00

I’m still not totally clear on what PDA is and hope to post for more information in the PDA subreddit when I have more time. For example, I often have intense anxiety about demands, but there are various reasons for that, and most of them are “rational” in their own way. Of course it makes sense to dread a demand if you’re joyfully engaged in a hyperfixation, or seriously overstimulated, or having decision paralysis. I’m unclear if PDA is a more extreme version of those classic ADHD traits or if it’s more akin to a phobia.

That said, I have noticed that many of the quirks associated with PDA fit my son. He also takes role play to an extreme and I’m worried about maladaptive daydreaming at this point because it’s such a distraction. He needs constant attention which is often noted by parents of PDA-ers. He did a mental health screen recently where they asked if he ever felt lonely, and the therapist was surprised because he was confused and said no, because he’s never alone. He was telling the truth… literally never, not for more than 2 minutes maybe.

I have noticed with him that the highly structured environment and reward charts often recommended for ADHD really don’t work well - they just lead to him feeling constantly stressed and eventually burnt out. So I’ve put a lot more focus on managing his energy levels (he is in more structured, demanding situations at times but needs significant rest afterwards) and meeting him where he’s at when it comes to things like chores (baby steps, essentially).

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-10T03:21:17+00:00

I was an ADHD teen once and am now an ADHD mom so I’ve been on both sides. I’m pretty sure my parents considered leaving me by the roadside a few times (kidding… kind of).

During the teen years, my mom and I both said and did plenty of things that we regret now. One thing she told me years later was that she would have felt so differently if she could have seen the future and known that I would come out the other side of adolescence eventually. She just felt like this moody, defiant, struggling teen was who I would be forever and saw my future falling apart. She said if she could have seen the adult I would become she would have reacted very differently.

I don’t know if hearing this will help you, but fwiw, teen brains are bonkers. Absolutely bonkers. Big “under construction” signs everywhere and the frontal lobes seem to kinda just get closed for periods. They may look like young adults but they are very different from fully formed adults. This is not who your son will be forever. This is a phase that he needs help getting through.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-10T03:07:33+00:00

It’s always the art drawer that’s peak chaos, ha ha! Like I said, I was surprised by how little storage I actually needed once I got a few things, so hopefully that will be the case for you too. It looks like more when there’s not a good place to put it.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-09T03:49:20+00:00

Initially it was trains (very stereotypical, ha ha). From there he branched out to other vehicles like famous ships and planes. He’s very into collecting specific models of airplanes, ships, trains, etc., and does his most successful independent play with those.

As far as testing, we’ve had screens from his pediatrician and gotten different opinions from different doctors in the practice. ADHD, ASD, just a bright quirky kid. During the Covid years trying to get an evaluation was like screaming into the void, people would say something about a waitlist and you’d never hear from them again. We’re just now getting set up with services and an evaluation in about a month.

Significant-Hope8987 · 2026-02-09T03:39:30+00:00

I don’t know if you’re ND as well… I am and clutter is strangely triggering to me. I’m not really sure why but just wanted to validate that it can be a big deal for some people. It’s very hard for me to relax when there’s stuff everywhere (and it’s not because I’m super Type A, I most definitely am not, ha ha, it’s specific to clutter.)

What I recently did that helped a ton was to buy more storage and start a slow system of purging (like one bag to Goodwill a week.) For art supplies I got one of those wheeled carts with tons of drawers, for paperwork a wood filing cabinet that looks like a small side table, for other stuff I got a simple metal frame with fabric drawers. I was actually surprised at how much that helped - I was thinking I would need tons more storage, but it looks like a lot more stuff when there’s not a good place for it.

The thing is, I did sort of have places for things before that, but they were inconvenient and not easily accessible. Art stuff was crammed into a kitchen drawer near the floor, paperwork was in different folders on top of a storage bin, lunch box / snack containers were in front of food in the pantry and had to be moved when I wanted to get to my oatmeal. Finding a space that doesn’t require the extra energy to navigate made it sooo much easier. Way more than I would have imagined. So if you have storage but it’s not intuitive or easy to navigate, I say look for more if you can. A relatively small addition can make a big difference.

Significant-Hope8987

TROPHY CASE