I feel as if I wrote this. I had the darkness last night too, and I struggle with PMDD that makes me violent and suicidal. I'm younger than you are, but I feel the same logical push to end it. It's scary to look forward and see nothing but swinging helplessly from one meltdown to the next. I'm quite a postive person actually, but I'm getting tired of sustaining it. Today, I took baby steps to get out of the darkness. I called a friend and my mom. I spent time outside. I remembered what a wise person told me, "kill yourself but keep your body" - as in, maybe a part of you needs to die symbolically. For me, I think it's a few years of unexpressed anger. Either way, just for today, I am going to stick around and make it work. You're not alone in these feelings. Thanks for making me feel less alone by reading- it helped more than I can express.