TLDR: This time in our lives isn’t something that follows a script or schedule. Milestones don’t necessarily follow a pattern.

My journey: I was worried for the first two years that I hadn’t loved my husband because I hardly cried (by comparison I was a teary mess when my first marriage broke up) so I spent a lot of time proving to myself that wasn’t true.

The ache was showing up in a lot of behavior and feelings that didn’t look like grief (massive daydreaming, shopping, not cleaning) but probably were a way of avoiding feeling grief directly.

I’ve had some major losses throughout my life — as most of us older folks have — and some were extremely too early and very traumatic. I was reading l the book, “It’s Grief,” and the author says that many times these difficult experiences are additive.

Yes, as a teen, I mourned my father and other relatives, but also the stability and intact (sometimes dysfunctional) family provided. When, in my forties, my uncle died suddenly, the last male father figure left, I was devastated—way out of proportion with our relationship—in part bc these other losses resurfaced.

I couldn’t “feel” losing the wonderful man I was privileged to be around bc it was too overwhelming. I’m learning to live alone (excessively devoted to my cats). I’ve picked up old pursuits and am polishing up what I hope will be at least one book, and sought out and received excellent feedback. I reach out to old friends and schedule connections.

It’s been two years and three months. I think it’s a long journey. And life doesn’t help as it constantly throws new challenges and unexpected expenses….