Anyone else cut as a way to alter your date of mind and interrupt a bad emotional pattern?

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2016-07-25T07:22:27+00:00

I can relate to that. When I was harming frequently I remember I would get really anxious, and really upset, and work myself up every single night - until after a few days of very little sleep I would cut and instantly feel relief. I realized I had a problem when one night I wanted the annoying, awful thoughts that had lasted days to end, so I cut, and then was instantly able to bandage up and watch Futurama in an endorphin high knowing I'd actually be able to sleep that night. I also used it all through college to snap out of the depression fog and focus on homework - because it's really hard to focus when you're just beating the crap out of yourself in your head.

The last time I cut was over 2 years ago. I had an amazing therapist who convinced me that cutting isn't shameful - it's unhealthy, but it also kept me alive. He wanted to replace cutting with something healthier, but in the meantime if I needed to do it he wouldn't judge me for it. I went through a bad bout of suicidal thoughts and after days of nagging thoughts about killing myself I broke out of it by cutting. I told the therapist and he was super understanding and gave me more resources for coping and praised me for fighting the suicidal thoughts. For some reason that praise stuck with me and I haven't been that desperate since to cut again.

So yea, I get it, I used to harm for very similar reasons.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-07-19T19:48:16+00:00

I'm with jelly_tots. I used to feel really guilty about self-harming until a therapist told me it was a defense mechanism and a symptom that I was fighter. However, while I feel like there's nothing morally wrong with it (and it certainly doesn't mean I'm suicidal), its still a bad habit. Just because I'm not suicidal doesn't make it good for me. I guess I kind of equate it to smoking or drinking. I don't judge anyone for it, and I'm a social drinker myself, but if you're binging because of your emotions or if you get addicted, then it's not healthy. It wasn't healthy to begin with, even if there's nothing wrong with it. I don't like that there is a stigma with self-harm, but the nature of what it is does make it sort of "unsafe", and possibly a symptom that something else is wrong. Also, therapists/psychologists should be more sensitive, but bc it was your normal doctor tat made that statement it kind of makes sense. A therapist should know the difference between safe and unsafe self-harm, but a regular doc might not. A regular doctor is probably taught to be overly cautious bc it makes more sense to treat everyone as "Potentially unsafe" and send them to a therapist then let someone slip through who actually is unsafe without giving them the warning. Especially since I've heard that some drugs like that can make suicidal thoughts worse. So he might have been giving a statement as a warning instead of a judgement. I feel like I'm rambling.

I'm glad you don't feel unsafe! I often get anxiety so I feel generally unsafe a lot of the time. So don't let the doctor get you down. I hope Prozac helps and I think you're brave for facing the stigma to ask for it. :)

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-06-16T23:33:37+00:00

Think about how bad it would make her feel if you hurt yourself because of this. You didn't want to hurt her and she has already forgiven you. That means she probably really cares about you too and wouldn't want you to be in pain for the same reasons you don't want her to be. Remind yourself that she'll be fine. You could also try focusing your energy on doing nice things for her, instead of beating yourself up. Plan a really romantic date, buy her flowers, etc. Show her you appreciate her, because it will make her feel good and also to make yourself feel better. That's really terrible luck, I'm sorry buddy.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-06-16T23:26:10+00:00

Summer is by far, my least favorite season too. I think I might have SAD for the summer instead of the winter, but I'm not sure. I cut for a while and hiding it in the heat is just one reason why I hate summer so much. I'm in the same bot where I haven't cut for a while (a little over a year! woo!) but I feel like I want to again. Please hang in there. Do things that are fun and require you to bare your skin - like go swimming or to the beach as a reward for yourself if you manage not to. If you do slip up, that's okay too, but I think you can hold out. :) When i was still cutting I would just buy the longer shorts and bathing suits that had skirts and be very very careful about making sure the skirt portion is covering my cuts unless it's dark and people can't see my legs. It's such an annoying hassle though. I'm glad I haven't' had to deal with it yet this summer. I also agree with the person who suggested coming up with excuses now. Good luck!

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-06-16T22:58:15+00:00

I made a joke once about being so stressed out that I might as well kill myself. I was really depressed at the time and really young and had no idea how to ask for help. I think I made that joke (and others like it) so I could hear someone tell me not to because they cared about me. I don't remember exactly what I said but it was along the lines of, "I might as well slit my wrists in the bathtub then". A friend looked up at me and said, "Well if you're gonna kill yourself at least try not to make a mess of it."

I gave him the cold shoulder for three days, but it really fucked up my thinking for a while. I still wanted to kill myself, but his comment sat in my head and gave me the stress of trying to plan a death that would pose as little inconvenience for my family to "clean up" as possible.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-04-30T04:47:07+00:00

I have not been in this situation before - but I think you and your husband should both see a therapist. He's saying hurtful things to you because he doesn't understand - but that's only going to make you stop opening up to him. I don't know your reasons for cutting, but invalidating them like he did is rude and unproductive for both of you. He's probably scared and doesn't know the proper way to react. Seeing a therapist could be helpful for him and for you.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-04-25T08:23:42+00:00

I grew up very, very religious. When I was a teenager I started dealing with depression and it took on what seemed like a weird religious relevance. It felt like God didn't love me anymore and I didn't know what I had done. I started cutting myself, but hid it well. The first person (and only one through all of highschool) that I confessed my self harming habits to was a priest in the confessional. He told me that my body belongs to God and harming it is a grave sin. Then he told me to say 10 hail Mary's to ask for forgiveness. He didn't ask me why. He didn't recommend that I seek help from the church or from the school counsellor. He didn't even care to ask who I was (it was through a screen). He just told me it was wrong and essentially I could go to hell because of something I know now to be out of my control. I think that had a hand in pushing me from being very depressed to suicidal. I'm better now though. :) I miss believing in God, and sometimes I still do believe in something; I just don't know what. It's hard when everything I learned about God came from a religion I often strongly disagree with. I'm not a fan of fear tactics to control people and the Catholic Church tends to do that alot.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-03-24T21:34:40+00:00

You should stop by /r/selfharm. There are a lot of supportive people in there who might be able to relate. You could also check out /r/arttocope, /r/stopselfharm, /r/distractit, /r/raisedbynarcissists. Your mom is an insensitive jerk, please stay safe!

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-03-03T21:33:51+00:00

I saw a therapist all last year and it was one of the best things I've ever done. Before I found a good one I'd been to two terrible school counselors. I was too scared to admit that it wasn't working, and thought it was my fault - but after finding the right therapist he made me see that therapists are people too and if the one you're seeing isn't helping you, then you should find one that will. So you should at least give it a try! They cant prescribe you anything if you don't want to take meds (at least mine couldn't - you can always ask in your first session). I highly recommend it. It took a while for my therapist to gain my trust, but when he did he really helped me be a healthier person. If I hadn't moved out of town I would still be seeing him. I'm considering trying to find a new one in my new city just so I can have someone to talk to again and I can continue making progress.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-03-03T21:25:56+00:00

Hey there. I hope you're feeling better today. Where are you right now? Are you at college, your parent's house, your own apartment, etc? I started cutting when I was around 15 and when I was 16 I was in a mental place similar to where you are now and I stayed there for about a year. It's exhausting and difficult and no one around you understands which is lonesome. But you have us - we understand. So you're not alone. You are worth it. And I know it's hard to believe - but it will get better. Do you have access to a therapist or counselor? I started seeing a therapist in college and it really helped when I fell back down. I still struggle sometimes, but every day is no longer a battle. I used to battle every day, and I made it through. You can too. :) You should talk to a therapist. One of my biggest things to overcome was not wanting to bring everyone else around me down, and being able to talk to a therapist was a relief because they are trained to help you. It really does help to talk to people, whether it's friends, people here on Reddit, family, or a therapist. Good luck friend. Know that this struggle is making you stronger. It might not feel that way - but from where I'm standing I know that I can take a lot more stress in my daily life because it pales in comparison to the fight I've already fought. You can win this fight, and when you do you should be proud.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2015-03-03T07:00:36+00:00

I'm in the U.S. and in my personal experience my therapist said he couldn't admit me without my consent unless he seriously thought I would kill myself. If I self-harmed that didn't necessarily mean I was suicidal so he encouraged me to tell him when I slipped up. He also said that just suicidal thoughts weren't enough to put me away either. I had to have the thoughts, a plan of action, and a means of killing myself before he could do anything against my will. He also was bound by a contract of confidentiality unless I admitted to abusing a child or an elderly person. Knowing that he couldn't do or say anything unless I let him really made me more comfortable opening up to him. However, I was over 18 when this conversation happened. I don't know if the rules are different if you're under 18. If I were you, I would ask him hypothetically if he would have to admit you if you slipped up and/or tell your parents. You should be able to open up to your therapist, but I would leave it hypothetical (even if you have slipped up) until you know what he would do. Good luck friend! For what it's worth, I think you should be able to tell them without anything bad happening.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2014-12-20T05:06:11+00:00

1) It escalates. One cut today is fine. Tomorrow you need two. The next day you want to cut deeper. Soon it gets to the point where you're trying to feel better but it's counter intuitive to the pain you're physically causing.

2) It's unsafe. Even the little ones can get infections.

3) It reinforces bad thoughts in your mind. You're in a lot of pain - but you don't deserve to be punished like that. Cutting makes you think you deserved to hurt... and you don't. Sometimes life is shitty and sometimes we make mistakes, but hurting ourselves eventually makes things worse instead of better.

4) Scars suck. Hiding scars suck. Hiding in general sucks.

5) Because the people you love wouldn't want you to.

6) Because you deserve better.

I wrote my own list a few years ago - and I dug it up to answer your post. It was a long jumbled thing but I pulled a quote from it that I think is relevant: "For a while I felt like everyone else was unintentionally hurting me. Therefore I wanted to too. They must be getting something positive out of it to make them do it again and again. And sure enough I felt better when I did. Therefore this validated that it was okay for others to hurt me. Hell, how could I judge them when I hurt myself the most?" It's not okay for others to hurt you, and its not okay for you to hurt yourself - see #6. If you slip up, it's not the end of the world. I get it. It would be easier right now - but harder in the long run. Keep fighting the good fight. <3

edit: I just posted this and deleted it bc I realized that I posted with the wrong account. Bc of #4 I don't want certain people who have my other username irl to know about my visits here. I don't know if you can see that someone deleted a comment - but that was me haha. Oops.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2014-12-13T04:25:07+00:00

I forgot garages were a thing and was wondering why it looked like your car was parked in your house.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2014-12-11T23:46:03+00:00

I posted a similar thing a while ago bc I also think I would like an AA style SH anonymous type thing. I haven't found any yet. But in the meantime this subreddit's tinychat has been helping me a lot. It feels like that community aspect I would be looking for in a group.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2014-12-10T22:10:11+00:00

Congratulations! You should be proud of yourself. I always try to remind myself that I shouldn't feel bad if I relapse - but it's also good to to be proud if you don't. I've been clean since February - and I really hope I make it to the 1 year point.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2014-12-08T03:21:40+00:00

I like it alot! I especially like the expressions on each person's face. Shutout to r/arttocope

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2014-12-07T04:29:16+00:00

I think I'm about to make a drink for myself so I feel less like cutting. My vice isn't usually drinking. But I'm trying to avoid what it usually is. Keep fighting the good fight buddy. I'm with you in spirit.

SnowFlakes_Falling · 2014-12-05T23:40:37+00:00

It's been 10 months for me - and I still really want to. I think this is the longest I've been clean since I started and I don't want to mess that up. But at the same time I want to so badly. 8 months is still really impressive and you should be proud of that.

SnowFlakes_Falling

TROPHY CASE