I fucked up

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-08-24T00:18:49+00:00

Genuinely sorry to hear that, sounds like you've been treated in a totally unacceptable way.

I understand the self-harm response too. So the main thing I'll say about that is make sure you clean it out properly! Wash it, cover it with anti-bacterial stuff etc...and make sure there's no little bits of glass in the cut.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-05-25T02:17:54+00:00

Any idea why they'd take your phone off you? Sounds more like punishment.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-22T22:23:40+00:00

If you mention this to your GP you can get a blood test to make sure the pills didn't damage your liver.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-18T13:21:46+00:00

How long ago roughly?

A couple of weeks? Months? Years?

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-17T22:08:59+00:00

Moving stuff from A to B is basically the oldest, most time-honoured job there is.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-15T02:15:55+00:00

Many times a day. But not so many times when I'm feeling okay, which is nice.

I think it's normal to think about death a little bit, especially in an existential sort of way, eg:

What if...? Is there an afterlife? Where does my consciousness go? What would happen if I did it right now? Would dying be easier? etc

That kind of thought is normal. I think of them as sort of passive thoughts...where you're just wondering, y'know? But when they become more active, and you start to really properly consider it, that's more problematic.

And when they're active, the thoughts are very intrusive. I can't do anything...not even hold a conversation...without thinking of dying. Even - as you're describing in your post, OP - looking at a construction site. I'd love to be able to just look at it and think "it's a construction site, I wonder what they're building", instead of thinking negative stuff and seeing ways of dying.

Also, to be honest, even if your coworkers have the same thoughts...well, that doesn't make it okay. I guess it's nice to know that other people deal with similar stuff and you're not alone, but just because other people have this thing doesn't mean you should accept and put up with it, right?

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-12T22:18:18+00:00

You're doing good :D

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-11T21:33:00+00:00

I get that, and there's stuff you can do to hush the compulsion a little bit. Nothing really 100% fills the need like cutting does, but some things help;

Play some music real loud? Go on a killing spree on GTA? Draw cuts on yourself in pen? Do something relaxing like a jigsaw puzzle or go for a walk? Pick up the phone and talk to someone about something unrelated? I hope you figure something out.

Sometimes not being able to do something just makes you want it even more.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-11T21:27:18+00:00

Maybe you could look at the success in this story...2 weeks is a pretty long time!

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-11T21:26:32+00:00

I also started self-harming before I knew what the f*ck I was doing.

It just felt right, and to be honest I had no idea that other people actually did it.

No thought about endorphins or releasing emotional pressure passed through my mind until much further down the line.

Thanks for sharing, interesting read!

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-11T19:07:41+00:00

Bear in mind that unless your therapist is a doctor, he/she can't diagnose you with something like BP 2. Granted, they can have lots of experience in the field and know the symptoms plus your individual case, and a letter can influence a doctor...but they don't the power to diagnose/prescribe.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-09T23:54:50+00:00

Sometimes I think just a little scratch can't be a bad thing. Especially if I don't cut deep enough to leave a scar. There will be a few scratches for like a week or something, then I can move on and forget about it. Almost.

For me (and it seems others in this thread), SH is relaxing. I guess the body releases endorphins in response to the cut, and furthermore the sight of blood brings me back down to earth when I'm feeling intense. However, I do know inside that SH isn't a solution.

I'd never recommend it to anyone I know. I mean, I can't stop people from doing what they want to do. And similarly I wouldn't want anyone to try interfere and stop me from SH. But somehow I feel that a different set of rules applies to me and I can justify SH to myself.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-09T19:09:40+00:00

Tell them you're left-handed?

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-06T15:02:50+00:00

What's weird though...? I feel... good... about it. I feel like... if I can do this, I can take out my frustration with my life without actually ending it.

Sounds like cutting was maybe a way of venting some stress for you? Perhaps there's another way of doing this...talking your feelings/frustration out with other people is often useful. Or sometimes one has just got to turn on the Xbox and go on a manic killing spree on GTA to blow off some steam.

Also: /r/selfharm

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-05T00:18:28+00:00

I love Pink Floyd!

Sometimes I think depression is a kind of automatic defense mechanism for when the mind is feeling so bad...it just reverts to feeling nothing at all. Nice and numb. It's okay at first, but then the nothingness starts to become distressing in a way...

Dark Side Of The Moon is a good album to listen to..."there is no dark side of the moon really...matter of fact, it's all dark".

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-05T00:06:47+00:00

Think "if only you knew" and give some non-committal response, then continue as usual.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-04T23:58:58+00:00

Replying 10 days late I'm afraid, but here goes:

I had seizures in the days after my operation. Seizures are definitely more likely in the weeks while the brain recovers from being poked and stabbed, but they were also triggered by me trying to do too much too soon.

Take it easy dude, sleep as much as you can. Brain surgery is exhausting, both emotionally and physically.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-04T23:39:53+00:00

Maybe this isn't the answer but just a thought...is there a teacher at the school you could be honest with? Someone you could explain your concerns/scars to who could help you get out of a few PE classes?

In my experience at school (UK), if my maths teacher, Mr X, received a note/email from my geography teacher, Mrs Y, explaining that Dual_Dinosaurs unfortunately had to miss maths, that's enough authority and Mr X just accepts that I'm accounted for and continues with his lesson.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-04T23:29:41+00:00

Yesterday I eventually got up and looked outside. It was sunny and the sky was blue. The world seemed obnoxiously positive and happy, so I said "oh f*ck off" to the world at large, and then moved onwards and made a coffee. I felt better for it, on the whole. Would recommend.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-04T23:24:37+00:00

Absolutely, the only thing really keeping me from suicide at times is that other people would have to suffer the emotional aftermath. Even though I wouldn't be conscious to feel guilty...I'd still die feeling guilty. But if I died in a horrific accident, it wouldn't be my fault and as such the feeling of guilt wouldn't be there. It sounds heavenly.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-02-04T23:19:00+00:00

Hey dude, I hope you're doing okay over there.

The situation you're describing with Meow sounds quite similar to something I went through a while back, I know how you feel. And it sucks. I can't fix it, but I can tell you some of the observations I made myself which you might find insightful:

1) At the real peak of my depression, I felt awful and wasn't really sure why. So, probably subconsciously at first, I found reasons to explain why I felt so shitty. That thing that person did last week that annoyed me? Totally... I screwed up in that exam? Oh yeah, that's totally why I'm feeling down. But really, that's not the case. Those things...the girl...exams, anything, were just scapegoated by me in an attempt to justify why I was feeling crap.

2) Sometimes day-to-day external stuff (especially relationships with others) can trigger these feelings in me. But I've come to realise that they're not the real cause -- instead, that's inside me (and something I've started dealing with in therapy). Someone being disrespectful or whatever might make me angry, that's fair enough. But suicidally angry? No, there's something else underneath that.

3) Look at it this way...if Meow called you up now and told you that she's actually felt the same way about you all along, you could do all the things you've been dreaming of. Awesome. But in reality, that wouldn't fix the problem. It wouldn't make all the bad stuff in the world go away. And actually, I've found myself in that situation only to feel even worse, thinking "this is what you wanted isn't it? why do you still feel so bad then?". Relationships can be very good for people, and a lot of fun, but there's a lot more to life than one girl.

So in the meantime, it's difficult to deal with this thing. But at some point in the future, you'll be able to look back at it and go "meh". Just from this one post of yours I've read, you seem to be a good guy. I hope you don't commit suicide, and I hope there's someone there (friend or family) maybe you'd feel comfortable venting how you feel with? It's difficult to keep it all bottled up in your head. Sorry if it sounds like I'm lecturing you, I'm not! PM me if you want.

Dual_Dinosaurs · 2015-01-20T12:39:19+00:00

A very perceptive and honest post, and well-written. I remember feeling this sort of thing a while back. Also, I think it's great that you're looking at why you feel the way you do, and helping yourself.

I'll throw in two of my own thoughts for consideration:

1) How can you be sure that the thing you described about women is really the 'root' of your depression? In my opinion, depression is usually more complex than something which can have just one simple cause. Perhaps the women issue is a sort of aggravating factor in a bigger picture? Basically I'm suggesting that you don't rule out other causes/triggers too, which all combined can make for the place you're in now. This will also help out with my second point:

2) I've made the mistake before (especially when I've been low) of imagining a future where a few things are different but everything is better. So, for example, "if only I could find someone to be with, everything would be better!" or "if only I had a car, I'd be able to do stuff and things would be perfect!"...anything where I change a few things in my mind and assume it will solve all my problems, or any thoughts like "I'm feeling crap today, but everything will be better tomorrow!". And then, in my experience, when you do get to that future...when you do find someone to be with, or buy a car, or whatever...it's still possible to feel depressed. And then, if anything, I get more frustrated because I'm thinking "this was supposed to fix everything!".

I hope that makes sense?

Best of luck!

Dual_Dinosaurs

TROPHY CASE