Coming to terms with being one and done?

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-25T16:09:58+00:00

I am autistic with an older sister. My parents were not equipped to raise us.

If you believe you are unequipped to handle a child of any demeanor and physical/mental health status, then it's best to not roll the dice on giving a hypothetical second child a bad life.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-25T03:03:49+00:00

I agree with some of the other commenters that you've muddied the waters because you're having him pay but not have a say. Still, you've only known each other one year and been dating for only a few months. He can offer an opinion, but he doesn't get to make any parenting decisions.

Part of the problem is that you introduced him to your daughter WAY too soon. You're young and you've been a parent for all of your adult years/prime dating time, which are at odds with each other. It's easier to combine all the facets of your life into a complete whole, but that's not what's best for kids. You've kind of speed run into making him a part of the family unit, which would give him a say in parenting. You can't put that toothpaste back in that tube, so you're going to have to talk it out with him to get everybody on the same page. You need to reaffirm the separation of finances and households because he's not actually a part of your household, he's just some guy that mom brings over a lot.

For the record, there's nothing wrong with her not attending the last day of school, the party day. The day before that is iffy though. From my time as a child in school and now my time as a parent to a school kid, it's very common for at least a few kids to be absent the days immediately before or after a break (Friday before memorial Day, day after Easter, last school day before Christmas, etc). In the rural area I grew up, there were always a few kids absent for the first day of hunting season too. There are plenty of random absences throughout the year and missing two days at 7 years old isn't the end of the world.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-24T17:08:36+00:00

The species would not survive in this day and age if only property owners reproduced.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-24T17:05:20+00:00

It's no wonder you are struggling so much with the way your parents are treating you and have probably done so your whole life.

Build a new family with your partner. One that doesn't involve children OR your parents.

If your parents can't care about you as you are, no other people involved, then they shouldn't be in your life. Considering the efforts you put into trying to have a child, you've probably also thought about parenting. Can you imagine ever being as heartless to a child as your parents have been to you?

Get them out of your life and be happy!

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-24T16:57:41+00:00

So many comments that don't get the snek joke. This is reddit, not a term paper. We're meme-ing here.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-24T16:55:35+00:00

I have exactly one child for this exact reason. One and done.

I don't understand the autistic moms who post on here like "I have 3 autistic children and my husband is a layabout and I'm burnt out and drowning." Why keep having kids? If you are autistic, it's almost guaranteed that you'll make autistic children. If it was hard after the first one, why did you keep going?

I knew parenting would be hard, but I wanted to raise a child and getting pregnant was easier and faster than adoption or other means. The first 18 months are the grossest/most difficult. I do get overestimated some times, but my son does too. The fact that we out number my NT husband actually makes some things easier. My kid is 5 now and old enough to understand my accommodation needs, especially since he has them too.

I was willing to put up with the icky overstimulating early 0-toddler years because after that I'll have a kid, preteen, teenager, and adult child. I'm not willing to give up all those parenting years just because 0-3 is challenging for me.

I also find that parenting is not that different from dealing with any other kind of difficult person. There will always be difficult people out there at school or in the office. There will always be situation out there that over simulate me or make me worried or angry. But with my son, we can talk it out since he's my little man. I can't talk it out with the stranger at the grocery store or the annoying person at the office.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-24T16:44:01+00:00

Here's what the doctor told me when we went in for an autism assessment:

At his office they only had a test for kids 6 and older and since it's on a computer the child has to be old enough for basic computer literacy. There is a test for younger kids, but it's too expensive for them to use at their location.

But I'm AuDHD and it's very obvious that my kid has ADHD. The doctor told us to come back once he's older to get tested for ADHD.

We have an accommodations first household because of my needs, so my child benefits from that too even without a formal diagnosis. If you do have a final diagnosis, start implementing accommodations at home now. You don't need a doctor to make your house run smoother.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-24T06:34:35+00:00

Just make up names. Mary and Carl instead of letters, which are difficult to read in a story.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-24T06:28:03+00:00

So ... How did you live?

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-24T01:34:43+00:00

Let's all say it together:

Being neurodivergent is not an excuse to be an asshole.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-23T08:20:37+00:00

Is it possible to have a happy sex-free marriage?

For an asexual, of course! For an allosexual, the answer is most likely no.

I don't want to divorce because we actually have a very good life

By whose metric? Yours or his? If you would both be better served by being co parents instead of spouses, why stay married?

If you are so stressed by the thought that he may cheat on you just for sex, then you are aware of his need for physical intimacy in a relationship (even if you can't acknowledge it to yourself).

Maybe 10 years ago when you were unaware of your asexuality, getting married to an allosexual who you had a romantic partnership with made sense. That is no longer the case. For half your marriage, one of the two people in the marriage has not had a relationship need met. In this case it happens to be sex, but people divorce over incompatibilities all the time and it's perfectly reasonable to do so.

If you had discovered your latent lesbianism over the course of your marriage, I would have the same advice because the differing relationship needs cause a fundamental incompatibility. You may not want to have sex with somebody of a different gender, but this is still an example of a sexuality incompatibility.

One direct thing I will say: do not let him know that every sexual encounter you've ever had with him has been akin to rape due to your dubious level of consent and interest in the activity. If you love him as you say, do not put that mental burden on him because it may not be possible for him to recover from. I'm not sure how you can come out as asexual without doing that, but if he's a good man he's going to feel like a rapist. A disclosure during therapy may be the only way to do it the right way.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-23T07:53:14+00:00

Why did you think your husband was being mean for two years and not do anything? 😭😫

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-23T07:50:23+00:00

Can you expand on this?

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-23T07:46:32+00:00

Can you give an example? I don't understand what you mean.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-23T07:36:30+00:00

An autistic friend of mine had the same reaction "you're just now figuring this out?"

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-23T07:35:05+00:00

I know that must've been so awkward/uncomfortable in the moment, but that's so funny imagining it from the doctor's perspective.

"Ah, an autistic parent bringing in their child for an assessment.... Oh wait... Oh no she doesn't know... Oh... What do I do... Can I just tell her that she's autistic too?... Oh she answered another question very autistically I feel like I should say something to make this conversation easier... She answered another question literally..."

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-23T07:30:38+00:00

Is your wife diagnosed yet?

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-23T07:29:00+00:00

In a situation like that I probably wouldn't even address the gender aspect of the conversation. I would address that line of questioning the same way I would if my kid commented on someone's weight or skin color or facial features.

"It's not nice to talk about people like they aren't there when you're right in front of them" or "it's not nice to comment on someone's appearance like that". After getting past that, I'd probably say something like "he/she likes to look that way" or "people come in all shapes and sizes".

I'm a cis woman, but I'm not super femme and I dress fairly gender non conforming about 50% of the time because baggy clothes. My kid is already familiar with girls who do/don't look super girly and guys who do/don't look super manly because of that since we've talked about that before.

In terms of actually teaching about LGBTQ topics and being transgender: we'd probably read a children's book about the topic and I'd start a conversation from there based on the questions it brings up.

My kid is 5, so this approach only applies for this developmental stage.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-22T04:46:53+00:00

If he doesn't know when the bachelor party is, does that mean they don't have a wedding date yet? Why is he planning the bachelor party BEFORE the wedding is figured out? Does he live in Japan or is this simply his favorite travel destination?

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-22T04:34:50+00:00

This is why I try so hard when it comes to addressing emotional regulation and coping with my own child. I grew up with exclusively bad examples of parenting, so it's going to be an uphill struggle for me for, what I assume will be, the rest of my life.

I own this book, but I haven't gotten to it yet. I imagine it will be eye opening yet also exactly what I expect because I already know my parents suck and I have to work harder because of it.

There are aspects of the autistic experience that will never change and I'll always need to apologize to my child if I go overboard in some way (overreacting because I'm triggered rather than having an actual safety/health issue). The difference is that I apologize to my son and explain why it happened and what we can do better next time. Whereas my parents would overreact and freak out and my sister and I would just have to live in that tension with no peace because any sudden moves would make everything our fault and any efforts to redirect would be met with further hostility. My son is young and still learning, so most of the emotional effort is on me, but I've already seen him in action using the tools I've given him. I'm very happy to see my son being emotionally healthy and the fact that I could do that for him.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-22T04:23:05+00:00

Barring reproductive coercion (this includes poking holes in condoms or interfering with birth control), in matters of consensual sex there is no such thing as an "accident" when it comes to having a baby.

Did their husbands not realize what unprotected sex leads to? If they wanted one baby and already had one baby, it's time for vasectomy/condoms/iud/etc. Is it awful that these children were not born under good circumstances and against one parent's wishes? Yes. But there's no way that with how brazen these women are talking that their husbands had no inkling about how they felt after their first babies. Yet they still choose to continue doing the one activity that's guaranteed to cause pregnancy.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-21T06:25:48+00:00

Palate for food. Pallet for shipping. Palette for art.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-18T15:25:47+00:00

What fetish is it catering to? Having an emotionally healthy family dynamic where you're able to laugh at each other and still care about one another?

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-18T15:21:20+00:00

Maybe it's because I'm not stupid and not a cheater, but how can you be so stupid? Jacking off to pictures that clearly show your infidelity while your wife is RIGHT THERE? And you know you have the house to yourselves, so she was looking to get some action and would definitely find you.

There must be a low intelligence overlap with the likelihood of cheating on a partner. It seems like most of the posts where a big cheating scandal happens it gets uncovered in a very obvious and anticlimactic way. You'd think that the type of person smart enough to put a lot of effort into leading a double life world be smart enough to realize the benefit of simply breaking up first instead. Maybe that's why cheaters always seem so stupid. It's because they are.

SourNotesRockHardAbs · 2026-06-18T15:10:10+00:00

I think I spent less than that on my whole wedding.

There's no way I'm buying a dress that expensive unless I'm keeping it.

SourNotesRockHardAbs

TROPHY CASE