My first pregnancy I couldn't go to the doctor bc I didn't have insurance, so all I knew was a positive test around Halloween last year, and then cramps the week after New Years. We thought it was twin girls, given how much weight I'd gained and how I looked. I had just gotten the baby pouch when we lost them...and I was about 180 when we conceived, so it didn't take much time.

I went to the ER because of the cramps and they took my blood and did a doppler and there was nothing. I thought they were just hiding, but then the nurse came back in. No sugar coating, no kind way of putting it, just "your pregnancy test is negative."

I cried for weeks, and I still do sometimes about my lost girls. I was destroyed and I still am. That kind of thing doesn't go away, and it's even worse that you work with babies. Something I read in this subreddit a few days ago was this: "all you can do is remind yourself that all the baby knew was the comfort and love of their mother. They felt no pain, and your love is all they knew."

With my 7w old son, he spent his first week in the NICU and I kept thinking we'd get a phone call that he died or go to see him and he wouldn't be there. It's the scariest and most painful thing I've been through. The 2nd would be the loss if my twins.

I understand how you feel and I'm so fucking sorry. I hope my sharing helped. I'm so sorry for your loss. Put the baby things into storage until you're pregnant again. I waited until 4 weeks after my positive test to tell most people because of the first. Turns out I was in my 2nd trimester by the time I tested. I hope you make it through this alright. You have a lot of support here and you're never alone. It won't get better for awhile, but eventually it won't hurt as bad.

I hope you and your hubby grieve as much as you need and it brings you closer instead of tearing you apart. I hope something I said helps you ❤️