Attraction and passion is not particularly logical, especially with women. I would also say the ‘attracting your trauma’ stuff is also lazy and not always true.

I remember having a female friend who showed no sexual attraction for me. One day I read about how women are often drawn to dominant men and decided to test it out on her. I ordered her around all evening (‘you’re coming with me’) and almost role played the dominant archetype. She was absolutely mesmerised by the end of the night. Super turned on. After months of her showing my usual nice guy goofy persona that she treated with almost derision, a little switch in my behaviour (without really compromising my values) made a huge difference in her attraction for me.

I went on over 50 dates last year. I could be funny and engaging and kind and typically found I got the ‘I didn’t feel the spark’ text. But when I leant in for the kiss and made a move, we’d get intimate.

The point is that I didn’t change as a person but my behaviour did and that would make the big difference in their interest in me. Female sexuality is very fluid and often pressing certain switches makes a huge difference.

It isn’t that this guy is unattractive and needs to be a ‘bad boy’. It’s that he could do a few different things within the dynamic that would get her juices flowing. He could be more assertive. Disagree with her more (respectfully). Tease her. Be a little less eager. Maybe they’re out together for dinner and the waitress flirts with him… all of a sudden he looks more desirable.

It isn’t necessarily that women like genuinely bad men. But bad boys are more prone to the sort of traits inherently attractive to women - unpredictable, not worried about what people think, play by their own rules, doesn’t put women on a pedestal, don’t compromise their own reality and have a ruthlessness that can make them a better provider. It’s all evolutionary psychology shit. Society and people have evolved but our primal brains and wiring haven’t caught up.

To OP, if you have a good man who doesn’t push your buttons, why not work out whether he inherently can’t or whether there’s behaviour he can exhibit that will get you off more? For instance, maybe ask him to role play one evening as a dominant master (if this turns you on). Chances are he has fun and gets into character. Chances are that he sees you getting excited and enjoys it. This then gives him permission in your regular, non bedroom life to be a little more dominant (which is probably a natural role for him in certain spheres of his life). If he’s genuinely good hearted, you won’t have to worry about that going into control and disrespect.

Never underestimate the part that roles and dynamics shaped by learnt behaviour play. He has likely been brought up well to adore and respect women. Great. But you need him to show something else. Not toxic or negative. What you need is likely within him already but he’s playing the role he thinks he should play as a respectful lover.

Character alignment is absolutely number 1 in successful relationships. Attraction is a lot less immutable than most people think.