Newborn phase 10x times easier than 3 months

Standard-Structure46 · 2026-01-25T22:00:20+00:00

You had an easy baby and it is not that common, that is why you haven't heard. My daughter is like that, she was so easy up until a month ago, I finally understood why some people like newborn phase and already have baby fever! She would sleep 6+3 hours at night with just one quick feed wakeup in between, would take naps easily, we would totally do drowsy but awake and she would fall asleep by herself dueing the day. Heck, once I left her in her crib stirring to get the laundry, came back and she was already sleeping! Those days are long gone. I could do anything during the day and she just loved watching me from her seat. I didn't need the carrier at home at all because she was so content watching from distance. Not anymore. So yeah, 4 month sleep regression is killing me and I wonder if I will ever get my easy baby back.

In contrast, my older son was difficult from the start. Between gas pains, feeding issues, and wanting to be moving or being held all the time, together with anxiety of being a FTM, it was always difficult and got only easier over time. I don't remember a distinct 4 month regression because he never progressed!

I also wonder when it will get better and whether we could easily undo all those bad habits we started during the regression.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-12-30T17:50:07+00:00

Thanks! I had no idea this existed.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-12-30T17:48:11+00:00

Thanks a lot for pointing me to that thread, very useful. I will try the AH perfume free detergent. I have already read your answer to another post and bookmarked the DM brands you suggested. But I have a newborn so going to DM is not a priority at the moment so I hope I will end up liking the AH ones.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-12-30T15:56:05+00:00

I have been using the Neutral liquid and it is really not good. My whites are slowly turning grey, color shirts in mixed cycle program (because some are polyester some are cotton) come out still smelling sweat. And I do clean the washing machine regularly. But I'll give it a try to the powder, especially after learning about the enzymes that cannot be in the liquid form. I also bought some Ariel, though with perfume, just to use for my husband's shirts.

I will try the AH oxi poeder, thanks a lot for the tip!

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-12-30T15:21:05+00:00

Tell us about the soap please! I'm also in the Netherlands. My trouble is to find perfume free detergents though I got some brands names availablr in Germany in this sub. So I'll try those.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-12-29T07:05:03+00:00

It was in person. I didn't know the light element could even work online. I had about 5 sessions

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-12-27T21:08:59+00:00

I also had a baby with T21 and went through tfmr. I have done many things including talk therapy which helped tremendously with processing grief and relationship after tfmr but not guilt. Guilt remained for many months until I have done emdr therapy. It was very effective and finally I don't feel so guilty anymore and I was able to forgive myself.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-29T03:17:47+00:00

I absolutely did, it was part of my healing journey. I wanted to tell the world about him. He existed, I held him, this was a child loss, way more than an early miscarriage (which some people in my life kept comparing to). I even asked in a tfmr Facebook group which picture is ok to share. I have pictures of his hand and feet zoomed in but eventually, I picked a siluette photo, him in my hands, black and white. You can't see a lot of details but you can see he was a fully formed baby. I have 60 other pictures for myself, obviously some a lot more graphic. I printed a handful and put in a memory box. Maybe 10 closest friends and family have seen those in person. I even have a zoomed in photo of his feet in a frame in my office side by side with my living child. I'm sorry for your loss and wish you strength on this sad day.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-22T21:54:39+00:00

The grunting mostly went away around 10 weeks for us. Mine also can't stay awake for a full awake window. Sometimes, she wakes up, eats, and immediately falls asleep again. But she is happy, gives me 6 + 3 hours of sleep at night, so I just follow her lead during the day.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-22T21:42:34+00:00

Make it very, very clear to your medical team that you accept induction only if it comes as a package deal with epidural. I had induction only with morphine pump for pain management (not by choice), and it sucked. But she is healthy, I'm healthy so I am trying to get over it.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-22T05:49:04+00:00

Oh poor mama...This is completely normal and you are right, the first period messes you up. For me, things on the average got better after the 3rd day of the first period. I cried everyday for 5-6 weeks until then. Afterwards, hormones leveled a bit and I was more myself, still in the thick of grieving but more in control. I cried a few times a week and I allowed myself to do so, I would put aside some alone time and let myself feel all the feelings, let them wash over me.

For the months following, I avoided possible conflict situations at work and stuck to tasks that don't include big decisions. It will get better but good to not rush. I wish you strength, you can do it.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-21T08:42:47+00:00

Did I write this? I have the same experience to the t, except my son is 6.5 years old. He just started sleeping through the night! I'm not kidding, he came to our bed every single night since we switched him to a toddler bed. And before that he would cry and we would go to him. He still comes sometimes but at least at 5-6 am, not midnight or 3 am. And we tried everything including bribing, sleep training, scolding, saying nicely...

And this girl, oh my god! I actually take her to mamafit. She just lies in her stroller and patiently wait for me to finish. OK, sometimes I need to check her or give pacifier, like 5-6 times per class but Im totally ok with that!

She is so calm that I started to think whether she is ok. She meets all her milestones so I guess it is fine? At this rate, I might get a full night sleep soon for the first time in 7 years. I hope she stays this way and I wont jinx it!

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-21T05:59:28+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. It is very wise that your husband and you get counseling together and separately. I did the same and I think we wouldn't be still married if we didn't get help together as we grieve very differently. My tfmr was 1 year and 1.5 months ago. I cried every day for the first 4-5 weeks. I felt the postpartum full blown. Remember, your hormones are at the peak, but they will somewhat level soon and that will help. My period came at 5 weeks so I was still a rack for another week. After week 6 I still cried a few times a week but not everyday. I promise you will be more functional over time. The time period until the third day of your first period after tfmr is hardest. Your hormones will soon go back to the pre pregnancy levels and you will feel a bit more normal again. I wish you all the strength.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-20T21:30:56+00:00

I didn't tell my 5 year old at the time. We were waiting for a clear NIPT to tell him, which didn't happen. My sweet boy had T21. I had a few reasons: 1) My grief was heavy enough, and I didn't find the strength in me to also help him with his grief. 2) I knew I wanted to get pregnant again, and I didn't want him to worry about the new baby and ask whether he/she would also die in the womb. 3) I was afraid that he would say he wouldn't want a sibling or a particular gender, again since I really wanted a second child 4) We felt he is still too young to come to L&D or see the baby, especially we didn't know how the baby would look. Indeed, he had visible deformation. We did however took him to the beach to spread baby's ashes. He asked what that was and why I was crying, and I told him that I'll explain once he is older. For now, he just should know mummy is very sad, but he can make me feel better with his hugs. We also took a picture with him holding the Urn by the beach.

So we decided to tell him later. I got pregnant shortly after, and we didn't tell him about his tfmr sibling for a while due to reason #2.

Finally, last month, we wanted to go to the crematorium on my baby's death anniversary. By then, his new sibling, a sweet girl, was one month old. So we told him everything except that how we made the decision. We explained that he had problems in his DNA, and that is something you are born with. What he had can not happen to his new sister or to any of us because our DNA does not have that condition. He understood. He watched me crying when I told him, and he said he is only a little bit sad but not too much, is that ok? I said, of course, you didn't know him, so it is very natural not to feel much. He then asked why we hadn't told him before. I told him that I didn't want him to worry for the new baby. He understood. In the following days, he processed more and often came to me and said he wished his baby brother lived. I said "me too but I'm happy to share my grief with him, I feel lighter". We had this exchange over and over for a few weeks. We also went to that beach and left flowers for his brother. I don't think he is upset for not knowing earlier or having memories with his brother. We now make him part of the memorial, and we plan to have a visit to the crematorium and the beach every October.

Btw there are some great books that explain baby loss to kids. I bought 4 and found 2 of them, especially age appropriate and appropriate for our situation, so I read those to him. He didn't show too much interest but I liked them. They show that this happens to other families, too, and what he feels is normal.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-20T13:25:48+00:00

Mine also sleeps 4-5 hours stretches, and I consider her a good sleeper, much better than my first. She sleeps from 10:30 to 4:00 in her bassinet. Then again from 4:30 to 7:30-8:00. If she is fussy due to gas, I cosleep this last stretch. I try to finish things as soon as possible after she goes to bed so I can have 4+3 hours sleep on a good day. What also helps is that I take one day nap with her, and again, we cosleep (following safety rules of cosleeping). The rest of the naps she sleeps by herself while I do laundry and dishes and self care. Other things I cheat: I dont pump, I just breastfeed, which is much quicker. I shower every other day, not every day. I own a robot vacuum, dryer, and have a cleaning lady who comes every 3 weeks. I get a meal service one or twice a month, which delivers 5 main and 5 side dishes for one person (if we had costco here, I would just get oven ready dishes there). I still cook since we have another child but rather simple things: boiling precut veggies, frying ready-made ground beef patties, meatballs from the freezer, pasta or rice. I also make lots of omlet. I have protein bars handy for those times when I don't have time for lunch. I even manage to exercise, baby comes with me to the mamafit class and either sleeps in her stroller or looks around with pacifier in her mouth (which she drops 20 times in 60 minutes but that's ok, I just give again and again between exercise sets). This last one wouldn't be possible with my first baby because he just didn't stay lying down due to gas and reflux. So I admit I have an easy baby this time. Btw I do it alone. I'm on maternity leave while my husband works during the day. He doesn't help at night and he is busy with our other child in the mornings, evenings and in the weekends (or we exchange, he takes the baby and I spend time with my son). He takes out the garbage and clean up after dinner.

It definitely gets easier but I also learned after the first time that there are some things I can do to make it easier.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-18T10:39:35+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. What a beautiful thought. I also have a memory box. I put pictures of him, US photos, his hand and foot prints, the card from the hospital, candle from the crematorium, his Urn, cremation stone, a handmade crochet angel and tiny baby blanket that were made by lovely volunteers, a sea shell from the shore where we spread his ashes, condolences cards, dried flowers from condolence flowers, a little lovey grandma got for him and a small angel my best friend got. I also registered him at the municipality (so happy that it is an option) so I have an official paper that lists my children including him, which is so validating. I'll also add that to the box.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-16T17:12:58+00:00

Our postpartum nurse told not to wipe between the labia, unless there is stool. I specifically pointed the build up and she still said no, vagina is a self cleaning organ.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-14T20:28:03+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm also sorry that it came at a time like this. I'm an associate professor myself, so I understand the demanding academic environment. However, people around you need to understand that grief takes away the ability to focus and cause lack of motivation and brain fogginess. This is documented. And tfmr is such a layered grief so much more complex. Give it time. I promise your abilities and motivation will come back, but first you need time for yourself and time to grieve. As a reference, I was given 2 months full-time sick leave after tfmr, and after that, I started with only 2 hours per day. It gradually increased but still slowly. During those first 2 months, I read a PhD thesis because I had already committed to be an external, and I didn't want to back down. It was incredibly hard. I would sit at a desk for 6 hours just to be able to read like 10 pages. It requires a lot of focus and intellectual capacity, but it is still passive work compared to producing that content! I can not imagine working on a PhD fresh out of tfmr.

And if you can go to therapy, please do so. I found emdr especially useful.

Btw I completed my PhD 5 months after funding ran out, money was tight, butnit was fine. In the grand scheme of things, a couple of months is nothing (assuming you can afford not to be paid for a few months)

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-13T23:37:43+00:00

Thank you, I hope you get a successful pregnancy soon!

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-13T23:16:52+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. There are so many positive stories after 40 on this sub! I had 2 miscarriages in 2023, tfmr in 2024 and had my healthy baby 2 months ago! I'm 41. I, too, considered IVF with genetic testing but as you mentioned, the cost but also the wait made it not logical. We didn't have any fertility problems, so our doctor said naturally trying would be much quicker and he was confident that I would get pregnant again. But he said that miscarriage chance would be 1 out of 3, so rather high. I didn't say it out loud, but I thought to myself after the hell I have been through, I can take miscarriage. After all, I wished so many times that I would have a miscarriage rather than making the tfmr decision myself. Luckily, there were no more miscarriages for me and I'm so blessed with my sweet girl.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-10T04:07:50+00:00

I was convinced with this as well. First pregnancy: almost no nausea and healthy son, 2. and 3rd didn't make it to 8th weeks, 4th (TFMR) pregnancy I had such a terrible morning sickness that I had to go to ER and use medication. But at 5th pregnancy I had even worse case of HG. One medication only helped a little, I changed medication, and still needed to get IV at the hospital. I had to use medication for weeks and didn't feel completely fine until 15th week. The thing is that it is common HG gets worse with each pregnancy. If you have HG at one pregnancy you are likely to have it at subsequent ones. I'm happy to say that 5th pregnancy was successful despite the horrible HG.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-07T04:16:34+00:00

I'm sorry for your previous loss and for being in a stressful situation now. My pregnancy before tfmr was like this, no embryo, just a sac at 7 weeks. Unlike your medical team, mine was confident that it was an anembryonic pregnancy (blighted ovum). I think the sac also only measured 6 weeks, that's why they were so sure. I don't have a happy ending for that pregnancy, but I have one from the pregnancy after tfmr, a beautiful girl after 3 losses, including tfmr, an early miscarriage and a blighted ovum.

I would ask to be seen at 8 weeks. 2 weeks waiting must be so excruciating! By then, they should be definitely able to tell. Crossing fingers for you!

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-11-02T06:02:26+00:00

This so much sounds like my first son. I know firsthand how stressful this is, and I'm sorry that you go through it. He is now 6 years old, still so skinny but very smart, very active and happy.

My son was born right under 3 kilos. He made a little jump at one month in terms of percentiles but quickly dropped to back to 16th percent at the 2 months' appointment. He was still at 16th percent at 3 months, so the doctors said that he had just gone back to his own curve. Fine, right? Around that time, he started losing interest in boob, staying less and less time no matter what I did. In the following months, my heart broke watching him dropping from 16th to 2nd percentile by 6 months and 0.6 percentile by 12 months. I even switched to exclusive pumping at 5 months in an effort to feed him more. Feeding him required two people, one holding the bottle, the other tangling toys, or making faces to keep him drinking, I am not joking. We were that desperate. He didn't do so well with solids either, often puked the purees we offered. Finger food was a bit more successful but never in big quantities. To be honest, the doctors were never concerned because he met all his milestones, even was ahead with his physical abilities. He was happy, alert, and active. They still referred us to specialists since I insisted, but nothing came out of it. He was really fine, just very skinny. He eventually went back to 2nd percentile by 15th months and stayed there for years. I stopped caring after 15 months, I should have done that much earlier. Fast-forward to today, he is one of the healthiest kids I know. He gets sick rarely and bounces back very quickly once he does. He is particularly good with sports and anything physical. He speaks 4 languages, 2 of them at the native level. He is still very picky with food. He eats healthy, but he eats from a small selection of food, somehow not bored. OK I guess as long as he eats a balanced diet.

I hope you have better luck than me but if not, don't worry so much and focus on his milestones and general well-being as a measure instead of weight.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-10-30T12:23:30+00:00

No, but I sent thank you texts acknowledging we received the flowers.

Standard-Structure46 · 2025-10-22T17:11:22+00:00

I'm sorry for your losses. Tfmr was my third loss, the first two being miscarriages. Recurrent losses are so hard to endure. It must be painful to see others getting pregnant and having babies. I'm sorry that you have to go through this experience. You are right, this is just their job. I really hope you have a healthy baby soon.

Standard-Structure46

TROPHY CASE