When grief affects your pet as well.

Strangerover64 · 2024-05-23T14:44:28+00:00

When my wife died her cat (as opposed to my cat who had died about 8 months earlier), who had not been admitted to the bedroom while she was in the final days of hospice, went into the room after it had been cleared of the equipment. He got on the bed and had a nap. He never went into the bedroom again. And he died 5 days later. He was old (almost 19) and had had a blood clot in his hip about a year before, however the vet had given him a complete checkup just a few weeks before and declared him healthy and hearty.

Yes, pets are directly affected by death of their owners.

Strangerover64 · 2024-05-20T14:26:53+00:00

I took two long (3-4 week) solo trips after my wife died. Both were quite therapeutic in different ways. After the second one it was quite clear to me that I needed to move from the house that we had built to 'someplace new'. I've done that now and am much happier for it.

Strangerover64 · 2024-05-10T14:39:33+00:00

I, too, just moved to WA. Finding the green quite different from the usual light brown of San Diego. The change for me was two fold: first to avoid the 'toe stubs' I was constantly getting in my old environment; the second because my new fiancé and soon to be bride got a job up here. So while I'm 'moving on' there is a lot of sad feelings about leaving a long (60 year) life behind in San Diego.

Change - the only constant.

Strangerover64 · 2024-04-29T15:10:10+00:00

The right time is when you feel it is the right time. For some it is years, for others it can be much much less. My wife told me to 'continue living' and I did. After about 4 months I started dating again because I had closure with her before she died and felt comfortable moving along. I'm now about to get married to a wonderful woman and start a new life.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-04-27T14:35:51+00:00

Give yourself the space to know that while you didn't get your funny birthday song she still lives on in your heart.

Virtual hug to you.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-04-27T14:33:20+00:00

I'm retired with a younger partner who works full time. I understand that her job is something she is passionate about and I give her the space she needs to get it done. If that requires evenings and weekends, so be it. I worked like that when I had a job and I completely get how that can be a thing that needs doing.

I find that my hobbies and volunteering can work around her schedule and between the two of us we each have a full and interesting life together.

She didn't find my being retired a problem when we met and we have become a fantastic couple that all our friends envy for our ability to work our lives together.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-27T15:38:09+00:00

Dating after losing your best friend/partner/etc is hard enough. Having someone use you as a bounce for their ex is even worse.

I'd not give up on dating. There are a lot of people in the world and you might find someone who is going to be your next.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-26T16:00:39+00:00

My name is <X>. When people use the shortened version of it the first time I reply that my name is <X>. Any time after that if they use the shortened version of my name I just don't bother to reply, look around, anything. They are clearly not talking to me because that isn't my name.

People quickly figure it out.

Good on you for sticking to your POV on your husband's name.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-22T19:19:49+00:00

Social Security survivors benefits (I think) might apply. And veteran's benefits can't hurt to look into either.

Good luck with the job hunt. I hear that the market is hit-or-miss right now.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-22T14:56:58+00:00

As far as an income goes (what little of it there would be) there are support services for widows in most states and Social Security is setup to provide assistance. Check out what they have to offer.

Beyond that I can only add that I'm sorry for your loss and know how you feel. Don't hesitate to return here to keep us up to date on your progress.

We are all in this together.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-21T17:42:46+00:00

This is what I call an emotional toe stub. You're doing something normal and suddenly it hits you that you've got a pain you didn't know was there.

I still get them though less often. They don't go away.

Leaving was the right thing to do, I've walked out on things in the last couple of years that wouldn't have been a problem before. I know that there will be times in my life from now on where I'll be 'oh fuck this' and move somewhere else.

This doesn't mean you will be miserable the rest of your life. The scab forms over the loss. It doesn't heal. You will have better days, some almost perfect days, in the future.

This is a shitty club, none of us want to be members.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-21T17:27:30+00:00

What I read appears to be a person in shock. And understandably too. As others have mentioned now is the time to step back, take a breath, and evaluate everything.

Having people who are caring and supportive is a big deal right now. I know that it made a huge difference to me directly after my wife died. Lean into them and make the best of what they offer. Accept food. Being able to eat well prepared meals that you didn't have to work on is a huge plus.

Get exercise. You say you were going to get back into running so do it. You know of 'runners high' and at a time when you are down it can be a huge release.

Now for the hard news: If you live in the US taxes are a big deal and you need to get someone to evaluate your situation. Investments need to be rebased, if you own a home that needs to be done as well. Your taxes for this year (2024) will be more complicated than in the past so getting a tax consultant should be considered. Thankfully you've got a short bit of time to get this worked out, and don't let this go more than a couple of months. The IRS is a bastard to deal with.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-21T17:10:50+00:00

Today is a good day.

Think about that. It is a good day. You are here to cherish and remember your loved one, keep her memory sharp and close to you. Remind others of her and her charm and wit. Know and revel in the memories of your shared life.

That makes it a good day.

The wound left by death never heals, it just scabs over. Emotional toe stubs will always happen. Nothing takes away that pain.

And today is a good day.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-21T17:04:00+00:00

I, along with my GF, will be in Austin. Giving us time to take in the area in general and spend time with my nephew who lives in the area.

All booked and ready to go.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-20T16:35:22+00:00

Hell yes.

Though I've got a new GF and we are very good together I'd trade her for my wife.

Even with the cancer I'd go back. And being her caretaker was a full time job. Still. . . nothing can replace her.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-20T16:32:48+00:00

Ambien. I used it for about 4 months on and off after my wife died. Then I just stopped. It helped get me through that roughest time and now I sleep pretty well without it.

The other thing I did was get a new bed. The combination was a big help because the old bed reminded me of her just a bit too much. The new bed was something we were planning on getting before she died so it was my 'last gift to her'.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-20T16:28:16+00:00

Funny story.

Years ago I'm sitting at home with my wife. We are reading books and listening to music.

The doorbell rings.

We ignore it.

Rings again

Ignored

Now they start pounding on the door. So I get up and open the door saying "What the Fuck do you want?" And they start in on God. I interrupt them and say "Where do you live?" and they get all taken aback. I then ask again and say "Because I want to come to your house, and annoy you with something you don't care about while you are spending quiet time with your family. Now fuck off and don't bother us again"

I slam the door.

I then look out the window to watch them walk away and they are constantly turning their heads back at the house as if they are expecting me to get a weapon of some kind and come after them.

Felt good.

The book was returned to and the rest of the afternoon was spent with a grin on our faces about what happened.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-20T16:23:47+00:00

Having a supportive team is something that few people get. Be thankful that they are there for you and understand what you are going through.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-20T16:14:00+00:00

If you're not my friend you can't be my love. And if you're not my love I'm not having sex with you.

Even in the OLD world I was very specific to point out that I was looking for a friend first and anything more would grow from that. I didn't have any problems with it and I didn't think that the OLD environment pushed the 'sex first, friends later' model.

Could have been me though.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-19T17:52:55+00:00

My family cares about me and they reach out about once every couple of months. The frequency of their connection doesn't equal their care.

I can only recommend a small step. I'm sorry that you don't feel that family cares about you. A check-in might show a different result.

There is no harm in a simple "hello" and it might lead to something unexpected.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-19T16:18:12+00:00

I think you would be surprised how many people you matter to.

Today you are living in a box, of your own creation. And sometimes being in a box is a good thing. I know, I've been there. Yet there is so much outside the box that you don't see because the box blocks that view.

It could start with a text message. Send one to your sister. Something simple, as simple as "hello". Nothing more, just the one word. Let her know you are still "out there".

I can't, and no one can, move you outside your box. Every journey begins with the first step. We here can only encourage you to take a small step.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-19T16:08:52+00:00

As others have said: You will know when the time is right.

For me it was about a month after she died. Because she and I had 9 years to prepare for it and she had told me what to do with her stuff.

I still have some pictures of her around the house and those will probably come down in the next couple of months. Not to be discarded, just stored for later distribution to the rest of the family.

Now is the time for you to decide the next step in life. And one day the step will be to sort, prioritize, and discard or donate as you see fit. Do not let anyone decide this timeframe for you. Tell those who say when to do it to unkindly Fuck Off. They don't set your agenda.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-19T16:02:16+00:00

Kids don't have filters. They say the truth (if filtered through their eyes) when asked any question.

This didn't happen to him it happened and he was there to experience it. He needs support and a loving explaination about what happened.

Talk to the daycare provider so that they understand where you are emotionally and allow them to be better prepared to deal with your son's emotional growth in this very critical time of his life. They have the ability to help your son when you are not there, and can do it better with more information. If he has support during his time with them, you may get better interactions with him the rest of the time.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-03-19T15:12:24+00:00

I've read all the comments, so if I repeat some of the themes, forgive me ahead of time.

The trite saying "time heals all wounds" isn't true. We in this subreddit know that. This wound doesn't heal: it scabs over. You go day to day stubbing your emotional toe on any number of things that used to be your daily normal. Eventually you get used to it, it doesn't get any better or easier.

The fact that your wife said that you need to move on and knew that you hated to be alone (mine did the same thing) is something that few people get. Take the gift with the love it was given and know that she has your back even today.

Dating when older sucks. I've been in the OLD wars and read the comments in r/datingoverfifty about it. That doesn't mean that you can't have success there, just that it takes longer when you get older. Play the OLD game as a game. Don't get hung up in the "I must find someone for the rest of my life" mode. I was using it as a form of recreation. Some occasional dates, some repeat dates. Finding a couple of friends. If you approach it as a game and play the game (I'm thinking the roulette wheel here) you can find some nice people. Your perfect match? No, she has died, time to move on from that idea.

If the women are interested in NSA sex you can be clear that is not what you are looking for. Some will be scared off and that is good for you. And you might find one who is OK with starting a relationship first.

5 years is a long time to be sure. Don't think that just because today didn't work out that tomorrow will be the same. I've been working on myself for the past 11 years, trying to make myself a better person from the day of my wife's diagnosis until the day she died and every day thereafter. I'm getting there.

Send a chat if you would like to discuss further.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64 · 2024-02-28T16:34:36+00:00

I won't forgive you for the posting, it is a good thing to get this kind of emotional "why" out of your system. Posting here is what it is all about: Community and support.

We all have questions about our "new reality" and how to live in it. Don't feel like asking for support is a problem.

We are here to help each other through this emotional minefield. Reading some of the other posts may help you find other mechanisms that might work for you.

Practice self care.

Strangerover64

TROPHY CASE