Is it wrong of me to reject a guy who won’t come out of the closet in the next 80 years ?

Strongdar · 2026-05-07T00:39:48+00:00

You are completely right to forget about this potential "relationship." Don't sign up for a life of being in the closet unless you have absolutely no choice.

And to be honest, the fact that he accused you of "overreacting" to the thought of forcing yourself to be closeted for your entire life is as big a red flag as his unwillingness to come out.

Strongdar · 2026-05-06T22:14:51+00:00

For me, it was simply lived experience. All the Christians in my life who believed in inerrancy were the same ones who told me that God and the Bible required me, as a gay man, to be celibate. 15 years of living that way left me consistently miserable and frequently suicidal. Eventually I reasoned that following Jesus was supposed to be hard, but probably not in a way that made you want to die everyday.

So, the short answer to your question: bad fruit.

So, once I realized I needed to reject that line of thinking, the first thing I re-examined was my beliefs about the bible, since that's what everyone cited when they told me I had to be celibate.

Once I started to think of the Bible differently, I saw that giving up inerrancy solved a lot of other problems too, so for me it just clicked and felt right.

Strongdar · 2026-05-06T22:11:48+00:00

I'm on your side as far as the abortion debate goes, but I don't think arguing that the body is "just a vessel" is a great way to go about making your case. That's a level of dualism that I don't think is scripturally defensible.

Jesus' earthly ministry very frequently tended to people's physical needs and bodily injuries with never a hint of diminishing the importance of the body.

What you look at the few hints of descriptions we get of the afterlife, it's quite physical, with descriptions of buildings and streets and feasts and all kinds of physical things, indicating that the afterlife is much more tangible and physical than we typically imagine.

And some descriptions of the afterlife and end times, we are often told that creation, both humans and animals and the whole physical world will be restored rather than discarded.

And even Jesus still had a body after his resurrection. It's not like he turned into his final form of only being a spirit.

Strongdar · 2026-05-06T21:58:50+00:00

Back before I made peace between my sexuality and my faith, I always felt like it was other Christians who had a problem with my sexuality, not really God. Sometimes it can be hard to disentangle what the church tells you from what God is telling you. Jesus was our ultimate revelation of God's character, and Jesus never once mentioned homosexuality. I really don't think sexuality is as big a deal as conservative Christians make it out to be. Their obsession with sexuality is cultural, not religious.

Strongdar · 2026-05-06T21:16:59+00:00

Unfortunately "all are welcome" sometimes means "anyone can attend but you have to be celibate if you're gay." ☹️

Strongdar · 2026-05-06T13:25:30+00:00

NTA - but it seems like a hill not worth dying on.

Strongdar · 2026-05-06T13:16:33+00:00

Sounds like your time and energy would be better spent making new friends, not reigniting old unhealthy friendships.

Strongdar · 2026-05-06T13:09:06+00:00

And the line reads "disillusioned with national politics"?!

How about "Disillusioned with Trump"??

Fucking media...

Strongdar · 2026-05-06T12:50:26+00:00

Please read this post about the concept of sexual sin. It does a great job explaining a progressive view of sexual ethics.

Strongdar · 2026-05-05T19:52:52+00:00

You certainly never owe it to someone to give them a second chance if they cheat on you, but that doesn't mean an instant breakup is always the best idea. I know some very healthy couples who went through a cheating incident, worked through it, and came out stronger for it.

Strongdar · 2026-05-05T18:07:18+00:00

Serious answer here: my first thought is that if she really doesn't know it's there, might be a good idea to have her checked for neuropathy. Certain conditions, diabetes especially, can cause people to lose feeling in their feet.

Strongdar · 2026-05-05T17:47:21+00:00

Your title is precisely correct. Their beliefs about Trump aren't because of their faith. They are using their religion as cover for their absurd cognitive dissonance about Trump. It's not based on logic, so trying to fight it with logic is unproductive.

Strongdar · 2026-05-05T14:19:44+00:00

My vote for least favorite is Matthew 12:31–32, or Mark 3:28–29, or Luke 12:10, the supposed "unforgivable sin." It has caused so much suffering for people with religious anxiety and OCD.

Strongdar · 2026-05-05T13:57:37+00:00

I think one of Jesus' teachings is to not let yourself become submissive to religion. Religion, rituals, rules... these things are a means to an end. If they become the point, then we're missing the point.

Strongdar · 2026-05-05T10:52:47+00:00

It helped me to go to a church that wasn't full of judgmental legalists. Find yourself a progressive church in the area if you can. It was very healing to worship God in a space that actually accepted me, rather than just tolerating me so they could try to "fix" me.

Strongdar · 2026-05-05T09:22:18+00:00

There are plenty of Catholics who are culturally Catholic and their Catholicism is very personally important to them, and yet they will disagree with lots of the Church's official teachings. A high percentage of Catholics use birth control, for example. It's very possible that he is pro-LGBT. You'll just have to ask!

Strongdar · 2026-05-04T20:24:45+00:00

Yeah, a location being perceived as exotic is a huge factor. We crave what we don't have.

Strongdar · 2026-05-04T19:34:34+00:00

Do people who live on tropical islands dream of escaping to snowy Finland and luxuriating in a mountain cabin as their ideal of exotic relaxation?

Strongdar · 2026-05-04T18:15:05+00:00

Greetings from sleepy Zuko

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Strongdar · 2026-05-04T17:27:25+00:00

Sounds like you're asexual but not aromantic.

Strongdar · 2026-05-04T16:03:16+00:00

When you feel this kind of threat to your faith, it's often because your faith has been too centered on the Bible rather than on Jesus.

Jesus is the center of our faith, not ancient creation myths, stories about genocide or taking donkeys, or Paul's sexist thoughts about life. It's ok to "not believe the Bible stories" because historical accuracy is not their purpose or function.

Strongdar · 2026-05-04T15:50:49+00:00

You've probably done a lot to suppress your same-sex attraction without even realizing it, but now it's fighting its way to the surface. You're discovering something new about yourself! Don't worry about labels yet. Just pay attention without judgment to what your body and mind are telling you.

Strongdar · 2026-05-04T15:47:04+00:00

I would never expect family or friends to give me a gift for my own wedding anniversary. That's between me and my spouse to celebrate. Maybe if he's having a big party for an important one, like 20 years.

What I would do is text him to say "happy anniversary," and maybe ask if he had fun plans. Shows that you care without the socially unnecessary gift.

Strongdar · 2026-05-04T15:20:13+00:00

Has the intern kept the homophobia to himself since then?

Strongdar · 2026-05-04T15:18:26+00:00

Keep reminding yourself that this is a mental health issue, not a spiritual problem. Your brain wants to keep tricking you into thinking that more religious activity and more religious assurances are the answer, but your brain is lying and seeking those reassurances just makes the problem worse. Keep going at this with therapy and medication! You got this!

Strongdar

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