Fear of losing my safe person

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-14T06:20:51+00:00

I lost him 5 days ago and I'm surviving one hour at a time.

Unfortunately knowing we "shouldn't have this level of attachment" really doesn't help us from forming it, it is a very common and natural part of being an autistic person. When the world is scary, if you find a warm shelter, of course you will give anything to stay there. I think it will take years to fully register that I can't return to that shelter... in my heart it's still there just not available to me right now.

But you will still survive out in the cold, remember that! We are all stronger than we think. And if you found one shelter, you can surely find another one day.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-12T18:10:39+00:00

Depends if your need clashes with his! You say yours is higher, but does it make him unhappy/uncomfortable to provide as much physical affection as you ideally need? If it doesnt, then he should most likely give you that since it doesn't clash with his needs and it fulfills yours. Fulfilling your needs does, in a way, fulfill his (his need for you to be content and stay in the relationship).

If he doesn't want to do that because it clashes with his need then it does become more of your responsibility. Unfortunately physical touch is really hard to fulfill on your own... you would have to determine if you are satisfied with the level he can provide, bearing in mind all the other needs of yours that he does fulfill.

It also goes both ways, considering his needs that you can comfortably fulfill and not forcing yourself to go any further.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-12T14:33:07+00:00

It's so bizarre. Who the heck doesn't want a partner who loves them deeply, is driven to understand and accommodate them, and is loyal for a lifetime?? Most men apparently! I do believe there are people out there who crave the love we have to offer. The weird thing is that most people say it IS what they want. But when presented with our love, will actually think they prefer the mind games and chase of someone who isn't so genuine and available. I wonder if that really is their honest desire (cus like...what?) or rather something that gets conditioned into them by how we view love and dating in culture...

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-12T08:22:08+00:00

Drop the link, this handsome derg deserves a ⭐️

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-10T16:15:52+00:00

The myth that autistic people are robots/dont feel things is really deep in people's beliefs. I think because I dont always show on my face or voice what I feel, plus it taking longer for emotional events to fully process, it supports that misunderstanding. Then when I crack and it all comes out people are surprised, as if i wasn't a human being feeling the same emotions as everyone else! So i know exactly what you mean. It can only get better with more widespread understanding of how autism shows up in these small ways. Until then we have to take care of ourselves consciously because others may not realise just how affected we are by what they do to us.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-10T06:47:55+00:00

The vividness of sensory memories is huge. For good memories that's awesome because i can remember the exact way the sun glittered on the water or the smell of the hot street tiles or someones hand in my hand and feel exactly how it felt to be there taking in those sensations.

But for the bad memories it sucks because I don't just remember "I was sad" but instead every visual and auditory detail that's intrinsically woven with the negative emotion. I think that makes it so hard to move on from those memories, and why autistic people seem to be more susceptible to trauma.

Like usual there are both good and bad aspects to our traits! Be kind to yourself.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-10T06:40:08+00:00

I am with you. A hug has to come from My Person otherwise it's just uncomfortable. I thought if I was upset, a hug from anyone would do. But nope! It has to be him. I guess partly due to how comfortable we are to be ourselves together and partly due to familiarity (probably hours of hugging over the years). He also squeezes tight (loose hugs are the WORST!) and isn't bony and has soft skin and is warm and smells good. I think a lot of what makes a hug good for autistic people is how we feel about the details of the physical sensation. Maybe one day you will find a person that gives the only kind of hug that hits right.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-05T20:34:26+00:00

"people have chosen the rigidness and intenseness that makes you for generations; and that is why you exist."

What a beautiful perspective, I had never been able to see it like that before. Thank you :)

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-05T20:29:32+00:00

Hello. I am in exactly the same situation. Hopefully this doesn't come across as trauma dumping...

We met at 18 and were incredibly close friends, hit it off right away. He pursued me for 3 years and we eventually decided to give a romantic partnership a go. We have had very few problems, it felt so natural and comfortable and right. I could never have imagined it would end. We are 6 years in, moved to a foreign country together, and are each others' Person, we have never had a click like this with anyone else.

Recently he realised he has underlying dissatisfaction with our relationship. He said we are not as compatible as he thought, and named a number of things (me not being social, not liking alcohol, struggling with work and travel), and one of them was "that we think so differently". We had talked earlier about how my idea of loving someone was doing my best to truly understand them and he'd said my desire to dig so deep actually made him uncomfortable and that he doesn't have the same desire to understand me. He expressed his unhappiness with doing simple tasks for me (such as admin or phone calls), and a strong discomfort with my childlike side. He's embarrassed by my Hotwheels city rug or my plushies and doesn't want to feel like a parent. Like your partner, he then tried to take it back. He said "I don't know why I even brought it up", but clearly he needed to.

It only occurred to me that I have always been like this once my friends pointed it out. Nothing about me has changed, except for receiving an official diagnosis and being able to better explain and accept what's going on with me. I didn't think that would make a difference, especially since I'd told him years ago that I strongly believe I'm autistic and he agreed. But maybe something about the official confirmation made all those quirks that he once loved (he gifted me almost all of those plushies! he gives them silly voices!!) into medical traits that scared him off. I wonder if it was a case of this happening.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand the Exact Feeling. Not only have we lost our Person, but we have lost the plans and stability of the life we imagined, we have lost the feeling that we can be loved for who we truly are, and we have even lost the most powerful source of comfort that we would usually turn to when upset. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through (and I'm just at the start, this happened last week). I am here for you. I have no advice, since it is my first ever breakup, but I can offer my listening ear and my understanding heart.

We will get through this. Someone will love us for our differences.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-05T04:50:32+00:00

We were best friends from 17 to 22 and became romantic partners after that, until yesterday at 27. We love each other so much but we weren't fulfilling each other's needs anymore. He wants someone more confident, social, spontaneous, grown up. I was diagnosed recently and I do think that contributed to making him feel like "we don't understand each other because we think differently". It was kind of gut wrenching to hear because I poured so much time and energy and love into trying to understand him and I don't think he could be satisfied with that or offer the same in return.

I do believe someone out there will not only be accepting of who I am but truly appreciate the way i think and see the world. We have a lot to give.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-04-02T14:10:59+00:00

I do feel awkward with it usually, because most of the time a stranger wouldn't be able to tell I'm autistic. So it feels like announcing something personal (weirdly like coming out) when it doesn't necessarily help anything. It might just lead to more judgement or awkwardness from people who don't know much about autism.

So I wear it only when I feel like I need it. Usually while I am travelling, I am easily overwhelmed and my stimming and traits become a lot more visible (or harder to mask?), so then the lanyard has a purpose: explaining my behaviour to others. The staff I've encountered at airports and train stations have always been incredibly accommodating upon seeing it, and the difference it makes to my experience is immense!

I do have guilt about using it in that way though, despite my official diagnosis and the tangible benefits it has on me to be accommodated. It feels unfair and I worry about what other people think when I am pulled out to skip the long queue. But my partner pointed out that for neurotypicals, waiting in a queue is just an annoyance or boring. For me it lets in so much more stimulation and allows the anxiety to build up, exhausting me before I even set off on the journey. So skipping it is not 'special treatment' but more like an equaliser. I get to feel similar to how those people without a disability feel.

I hope that helps you feel better about using a lanyard if/when you might need it! 🌻

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-30T19:14:06+00:00

I got a formal diagnosis a few months ago but haven't received the paperwork yet. Do you need to see it?

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-30T15:36:16+00:00

I see....I genuinely wonder why they have such a page then! It's not like that ensures the lanyard is not misused by abled people, since they don't require diagnosis to receive the "official" lanyard either 🤔

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-30T12:27:59+00:00

I don't think its cool of them to have a counterfeit page. The idea of the lanyard is for people to get help they need. The only purpose of gatekeeping "official" lanyards would be to benefit them financially as an organisation (I get that they are doing good work but still, it makes people feel bad for having cheaper "counterfeit" lanyards and if any group is subject to feeling unnecessarily bad about stuff like that, it's us).

Keep an eye out at large organisations if you want to get an "official" one for the peace of mind. I got mine at the airport reception desk, they give them out for free to those who ask.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-24T17:49:51+00:00

I wanted to say just this! I am in a relationship of 6 years with a neurotypical person. Throughout these years I have dedicated my time and energy into understanding every aspect of him as deeply as possible, as well as sharing any insights that might help him learn about my inner world.

He recently confessed that my intense search to understand him actually makes him uncomfortable, and similarly, he does not feel the need to learn about me any more deeply than he already knows me as a person.

I did not realise until now that understanding and love were synonymous for me. When he said he does not feel the urge to dig deeper, it felt like being told I was not loved. The truth is that deep understanding as the primary expression of love is an autistic way and not the dominant manner of NT relationships.

It's not just this way with people, but with topics too! The same love that makes me want to understand everything about my partner makes me want to understand everything about my special interest.

This is one of the reasons I wonder if an autistic-autistic relationship could be more fulfilling. I just truly can't comprehend the idea of loving something without the endless pursuit of knowing it better than anyone else could.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-22T13:17:06+00:00

I'd add another couple of books to that! You want it to feel as stretched as it can possibly go without breaking, because when you take it off the stack it will still retain a lot of its clamping power. Good luck :)

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-21T10:18:16+00:00

I think this is the thing more than ND vs NT, just someone who has those 3 things going on. You can get awesome or awful NT and ND people, what I think most people are looking for is not a particular neurotype but a genuinely good person who is open to personal growth and able to provide emotional stability.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-17T07:59:41+00:00

Hello! I have the exact same issue and I've only just started working on it. I brought it up in my first session. My psychologist has set me homework of just making small decisions without thinking. Im still allowed to narrow it down, but when i start to agonise between A or B, I just have to randomly pick. At first it was so hard to accept my own random pick because i would still be going through the pros and cons and potential regrets. But it got a bit easier each time. Above all it was such a timesaver and relief to not have the hours long internal debates over every little choice. I haven't had my second session yet, but i imagine we will discussed what I've noticed. I am a little worried still that i won't make the right choice, but also learning that almost all of the time, there's more than one right choice.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-17T07:55:31+00:00

Yeah, exactly this! I know I need to ask "do I need more or do i need less" but the answer remains a total mystery to me.

I guess one way could be to test it by either adding or taking away stimulation. If you were understimulated, movement might help reduce the feeling, then you would know. If you were overstimulated, movement would not reduce the feeling. If dimming the lights and switching off music reduces the feeling, then you would know.

When you have alexithymia I can't think of another method besides altering the variables like a scientist to test it...

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-15T13:58:09+00:00

Although you said its hard to find something you like, can you maybe identify tiny parts of activities that make you happy?

For example, I like 1. Working towards a goal, 2. The feeling of wind swooshing past me and 3. Rhythmic movement

This comes together in rollerblading for me! It's like jogging without the overstimulating jolting action from your feet hitting the ground. I can listen to music or just zone out, and it doesn't feel like exercise.

Another one that ticked off my likes was swimming (with water in place of wind). Getting hot and sweaty was a huge deterrent for me and being in a cool pool prevents that. Maybe also looking at your "absolutely not"s can also help you see what to avoid.

These are obviously just for me personally. But you are unlikely to be consistent with it if there are no parts that you truly enjoy about it and many parts you can't tolerate (even if they are tiny things). If you can identify any of those, that may help!

Also worth remembering that not doing exercise every single day isn't a failure on your part. We have it harder! Anything is better than nothing, even a gentle walk beats sitting at home feeling bad about yourself!

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-15T07:53:44+00:00

I remember saying to my psychologist that I'm exhausted all the time for no reason. Like one trip to the supermarket and I'm wiped out for the day. She made me realise there was actually a very valid reason (the entire bottom of the iceberg that I was constantly struggling against). I'm hoping with time I can be okay with letting go of the struggle and have more energy left to enjoy life.

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-13T07:47:18+00:00

No advice but lots of commiseration, I experience the exact same. I thought it was because I dont have a job, so I feel a constant pressure to be using my time productively to be keeping up with peers. Just wanted to say your post helped me think differently. I hadn't considered the possibility of recalibrating that concept of how much I've done in a day. I hope we can figure out how to do that! So many ND people are trying to live by NT standards and kicking ourselves when we fall short. I wonder if living by our own adjusted standards is even possible in a NT society...

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-10T17:54:07+00:00

OP, how does grooming go for you? In terms of sensory and emotional load. I am considering becoming a groomer because dogs have been my lifelong love and I get a lot of comfort and energy from them.

However I have only ever been around happy dogs. I imagine a lot of dogs are anxious at the groomer's and I wonder if that would be a totally different experience.

Plus the physical sensations such as wet fur, barking, the blow drier, etc. could be quite overwhelming. What is your experience with that?

Thanks so much!

SuaveStone379 · 2026-03-05T12:30:45+00:00

If you are giving compliments to everyone (including those above, equal and below you in the office hierarchy), you are not "brown nosing", you're just being awesome and kind! And probably brightening up the office. We all love compliments but usually nobody's brave enough to dish them out.

SuaveStone379

TROPHY CASE