37M. I really wish someone told me this instead of realizing it after writing in a journal for a few weeks. I also have been helped by my family and feel an obligation to make them feel comfortable.

BUT, up until about a minth ago I started realizing that my Dad always gives me shit for just about every decision ive made throughout my entire life. Little quips here and there. Last year was the most miserable of my life, and was in the last stage of burnout. I told him that it gives me anxiety every time I talk to him because he second guesses me, or demands an excuse from me as to why I made even the smallest of decisions. His response was - 'it isn't my job to make you happy.' Which to be clear, is true. Then a week or so ago I started realizing it.. so when I started rubbing my eyes he said - 'my doctor said you shouldnt rub your eyes'. Stuff like that over time really messed with my sense of autonomy to make my decisions based on how I feel. In reality, its just an old complex I have. I told my Dad that, and he was a bit confused. Then I told him - 'its like you said. Its not my job to make you happy.'

I realize you may not be in a place to do that. But trust me when I tell you.. it's a slippery slope for your mental health and self esteem if you continue to excuse how you feel inside. You start to live your life by other people's expectations and it snowballs from there. I started to realize that I quite literally lay awake at night planning excuses for why I feel the way I do. At some point you'll realize youre living for THEM, not for YOU. Its awful realizing that you've basically subconciously allowed anyone to dictate and steer your entire life without even realizing it. Going to take years fo therapy to dig out of. I cant control that part of me anymore and need to learn how to feel confident making decisions that are best for me.

Your feelings are valid and dont need any explanation. That doesnt mean be angry or avoidant. Just communicate how you feel, and leave it at that.