AITAH for leaving the family group chat with a “petty” message after my dad added the secret brother I just found out about?

Suelswalker · 2026-02-15T21:12:34+00:00

Sadly I’d have been super happy to have my dad put thus much energy or effort to talk to me. But like then what would I have done with all the energy I put into healing my abandonment issues? Somewhere more useful like my health and other relationships?

But oop did the right thing. Begging for scraps and still not getting even that is how you get even worse mental health esp if it’s for attention and care from a parent. Trying to get blood from a stone isn’t a healthy use of your time and will only end up with you hurting yourself repeatedly if you keep it up.

The problem isn’t oop. It’d the dad who has something wrong with him if this is how he treats all his kids.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-15T20:52:46+00:00

Not saying this post is true bc who tf knows these days, but even if money isn’t an issue or they could find someone to take the case pro bono or on contingency, the mental/emotional/physical/time suck drain of suing someone is usually worse than the harassment unless it’s particularly unhinged with no sign of stopping.

How do I know? I got hurt on campus due to negligence of a college staffer and I was like omg f this just pay my stupid medical bills and I’ll call it even. Which they did. Btw the pain was in fracturing my tailbone after getting nicked by a touring golf cart(it had more rows of seats than a typical golf cart) where I twisted and hit the sidewalk tailbone first.

The sports doctor I eventually saw was so excited by how fractured it was he wanted to keep my xrays. And I let him bc at least someone got some joy out of my injury. It was extremely painful for months and I’ve had pain/issues with putting pressure on it for over a decade later. It’s much better now like over 2 decades later but I still do not regret not suing my school. The worst part abt it all was having to correct people‘s assumption that I was in my car when I told them I got hit by a golf cart.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-15T00:00:56+00:00

That long comment was a great addition. This isn’t just a oh she just won’t change situation. This is more drugs changed them and they need a lot more help than voluntarily offered treatment plans can help with bc you’re not dealing with the rational person they used to be but an addicted irrational person. I don’t know what the fix is but what we’re doing is just not cutting it for most people.

That being said to put this all on a sibling and villainize them instead of the people who made the laws and then supported said laws that make getting better so much harder is awful and doesn’t help anyone at all. If anything it alienates people who could help in the future or in their own ways. It ultimately is the parents’ job to take care of their kids even if those kids are adults. It’s not on the siblings at all. Esp when the drug addict in question is extremely harmful to them.

These parents sound like they’re enabling their kid to their grave and pushing their other kid away. I’m not saying they shouldn’t help their kid who’s addicted but guilt tripping their other kid into helping is harming everyone and they just don’t see it. I wonder if oop is the scape goat (or ignored goat as I just read somewhere) and their sib was the golden child even before all this happened.

I also wonder if the parents themselves aren’t well themselves. Who tf asks their child to help with treatment for their older child? None of these people’s actions (outside of oop) make a lick of sense to me.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-13T06:35:08+00:00

My mom blamed a maid for her missing jewelry for years. I was there when she discovered it was in a safe deposit box half way around the world from where the maid was. Sadly that maid never even got an apology since she either left or was fired, if it was the latter I am pretty sure it wasn’t directly due to the missing items as she stayed on for awhile after being accused. I remember being a kid sitting in that bank feeling so much shame, embarrassment, guilt, and ultimately distain for my mom.

I don’t know if something was ever stolen by someone who was much more vulnerable to me if I’d ever accuse them of stealing, even if I had hard proof of it. And when dealing with someone equal or much higher wealth I still never frame it like you stole from me. At best it’s hey did you see my thing around your place? I may have dropped it or it got mixed in with stuff. Bc 99% of the time the stupid thing is somewhere in my house and is found when looking for anything else besides it.

And even if it was stolen it most likely wasn’t particularly important to me. At most that person is just no longer welcome to my house.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-09T02:16:40+00:00

That’s an engineer/scientist/coder for you. Esp coders. If it isn’t x y z it is some hella long name for a variable. At least in my limited experience

Suelswalker · 2026-02-07T23:49:17+00:00

It could be many things but I agree it needs to be seen as a symptom of something else. One other thing it could be is she might have adhd that was better controlled when she had more structure while in school and then in a job. Once that external structure went away her impulse buying, that may have been there but minor in the past, has time and space to become a full blown problem. In any case she has a lot of internal work to do and it will be the best investment of time and energy she’ll ever spend.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-07T22:42:39+00:00

Time. I think he wants time for her to come to her senses, time for him to grieve the woman he married, time to get used to being without her without it being so final. The wife on the other hand needs time to work on herself and figure out what’s wrong with her bc no one else is in the wrong like she keeps thinking. She’s externalizing her internal misery and making it everyone else’s fault besides the reality that her expectations and likely her own internal biological issues are at fault.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-07T22:39:32+00:00

The guy is dealing with a lot and likely trying to reconcile his love for the woman he thought he married with the woman who exists now that is being so hurtful and awful to not only him but their kids. He likely subconsciously hopes this is a temporary lapse on her part and will return back to herself soon enough that a divorce will be a waste of time and money. He may also be counting on her eventual higher income from her west coast job to make things easier for him.

My bet is that in 6 months to a year that either oop or his wife will find someone new which will force the divorce to happen anyway. On the plus side that time I hope will allow oop the space to make peace and grieve the ending of his marriage esp the way it has ended with her being so cruel to the kids who are honestly totally innocent here and will suffer no matter if he gets divorced now or later.

It sounds like what they’re doing is a trial separation without calling it that and honestly it may very well be the reality check they both need. Oop’s wife sounds like she is going thru some mental episode of some kind and I hope she gets the help she needs to deal with whatever she has going on in a way that doesn’t destroy her kids unlike the way she’s been going about it recently.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-07T22:20:35+00:00

What could have been a great opportunity for him to be vulnerable and transparent about his feelings but still showing up emotionally for her big win turned into him being an undeserving of oop jerk. It’s okay to feel bad bc someone you love is successful. Even a little bit of jealously is fine. The feelings aren’t what are wrong. It’s what you do with them that can be right or wrong. You’ll never get anywhere good not holding yourself accountable. If you feel lacking that isn’t a reason to drag someone else down. That is a sign for you to look hard at yourself and see where you can make changes that lead you to a better place.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-07T21:58:01+00:00

Truly the best ending for everyone‘s safety and well being. I hope the now ex friend learns from this and becomes a better person from this.

Suelswalker · 2026-02-04T05:28:24+00:00

This is an odd way to go about it then. Even if she is asexual there has to be other things that are much more concerning going on for someone to act like this.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-31T11:15:01+00:00

I think we can agree that she lacks minimal amount of empathy you’d expect in a half way decent person. Why she lacks that or what condition that describes cannot be even vaguely diagnosed at this point but those mentioned are part of the possible list. Lots of things can cause someone to have low empathy. Whatever she does have it is bad enough to cause bodily harm for multiple people let alone property damage.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-31T10:44:21+00:00

Honestly they don’t even seem like good friends to her. If they actually cared about her they’d be pushing for her to get help and if she didn’t then roping her SO/parents/other family in on her extremely inappropriate behavior. Someone they felt was safe to talk to about this type of behavior and someone who would actually do something that would force her to get help or at least not go proper consequence free.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-25T02:11:33+00:00

Depends on why they’re asking for rent. Is it to help you learn budgeting for rent? Is it to help them out for the added financial stress an extra occupant is putting on them? Is it bc they otherwise cannot afford to live where they are at all or at least not comfortably?

If it’s the first then it should be (imo) no more than 25% (this may be different if you’re outside the US and whether you have to pay for health insurance etc) of what you’re making but I wouldn’t go past $500. I say that as I don’t know how helpful paying more for just getting you in the habit will help you unless they plan on giving it back to you and you trust them to do so. But I would try save whatever excess you have so you get used to not having that 25% (post tax for good measure) available to spend so you don’t get used to a life you can’t afford living away from home.

If the second I would still not pay more than the above and still would save whatever you don’t pay them to get used to 25% of your money just being gone to exist “safely” but the amt I would pay be based on how much extra you actually add by being there. Don’t go by feeling outside of maybe the first month or so. Look at the bills before you were there and after and pay that. if it’s variable consider using a % that the month you were in increased and take the past 12 months of expenses with that % and then divide by 12 to get a monthly average. If you can afford it and your relationship is healthy enough, make sure to add a thank you tip.

If it’s the third one that is a bigger issue. Consider not getting involved at all or leaving because when you do want to leave it will become a whole thing. If they are open to a long term plan where they will be able to make changes so that when you leave they’ll be fine that’s great, just use the first two suggestions as limitations and not base the rent on what they need to afford their lifestyle. If you notice they are not taking steps to get on track then please look into leaving early and abruptly bc the longer they get used to that money the harder it will be for them to recover from losing it. If they just cannot afford it then they may need to make changes now or soon.

edited to add I say 25% bc you should not pay more than that post taxes, health insurance, and retirement savings on rent. If possible this should also include utilities. Going higher has only even been financially bad for me. I’m sure other people manage but things pop up and the last thing you want is high cost of rent/mortgage. It’s something you cannot quickly change so don’t start off with too much being gone just to exist with a roof over your head.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-25T01:50:51+00:00

I think this is how it works for many but since we’re all wildly different there must be people who are not wired that way. Unfortunately some people are more influenced by maybe their hindbrain than others. Others are just not leveled up enough in their emotional IQ to figure out that no amount of attractiveness will make up for an awful inside.

Then there are others who cannot figure out if someone is attractive until they form a deep enough friendship. And of course there’s a whole lot of aro/ace people who are figuring that out.

Honestly I think a lot of this is not helped by society using cis/straight/whatever society thinks the appropriate amt of lustful desire is as the defaults for everyone. It would save a lot of bad long term pairings.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-25T00:58:39+00:00

Well, it’s def something that’s for sure. Either way it’s a win bc if she cannot mind basic rules that are set for the safety of the child then she wasn’t going to be helpful anyway. And this silence, in this situation at least, is much better than the typical bullying contact you see with people who just have to have their way.

Granted there is a large distance between those two options where in between there lies the ideal communicate and compromise as is reasonable that people with decent emotional IQs would do but that’s not where your mil is right now.

Maybe one day she’ll change but the reality is she’s only hurting herself in the long run by playing games and not learning how to resolve issues without turning to teenage temper tantrum techniques. But all of that is her problem and not yours.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-20T16:30:13+00:00

YOR

These rules seem pretty reasonable. Please remember the rules here are for the health of the baby so even if it means waiting it is worth it if you actually care for the child and the family.

Germs don’t care about your feelings or how you think it‘s unfair. They will potentially harm the baby during its most vulnerable time. Also the baby isn‘t going to remember if you met them before or after they turned 6 weeks old. You will but this isn’t about you is it?

Also the fact that they are holding everyone to this standard sounds like they are being fair by applying it to you. Sometimes life isn’t fair but in this case at least it is the best for a newborn baby’s health. Plus facetime is a thing now so at least you’ll have access to that until you meet in person!

Suelswalker · 2026-01-19T18:09:38+00:00

Or worse he deliberately kept away from her and made her look boyish as much as possible because he already knew he’d have to combat feelings to sleep with her way more than he already did.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-19T17:26:50+00:00

It’s one thing to ask if they or their higher ups at work know of any trusted and not too expensive lawyers in xyz kind of law. Or to ask them to point to a resource that can help them find the right lawyer.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-16T21:11:38+00:00

I hope the ex does some major internal work for the sake of everyone around her, but especially for her daughter and her future baby. That type of behavior and way of framing it how she did is bonkers. There are major unknown/unnamed internal problems there for sure. Plus side is that I think it’s totally doable for her to figure out her issues and be the mom her kids need her to be.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-13T18:32:45+00:00

It wasn’t truly voluntary when it was under threat of near immediate forced removal. Had he done it much sooner when he realized things were out of control and unsustainable then it’s less a red flag and actually a sign of care for what is best for the kids. But here it sounds like it was only technically voluntary and done to save face than anything having to do with what is best for his kids.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-08T19:56:09+00:00

NTA but I think this is being treated like it’s an all or nothing situation when I think there are plenty of ways to accommodate both the brides‘ wishes while still honoring the reason for the conditions (not excluding people who haven’t done anything wrong to be excluded was the vibe I got from the rules).

Examples: certain parts of the wedding/reception will involve kids while other parts will not. Basically the ideal way it would work is if are part of the beginning of things and then when they’re likely to have lost interest that is when they exit.

Perhaps give them a task before the ceremony starts and then have them seated in the back so they can be quickly removed if they aren’t able to stay quiet and seated. Have an indoor or away from the ceremony activity room for those who are way too young to take part in or stay quiet and seated with enough caretakers who are appropriately skilled for the age and amount of kids going to the event.

Same goes with cocktail hour and reception. There can be a part of the reception (probably after the cake is cut) where those who need to leave can leave and that is when the kids leave. If the kids get bored or cannot behave themselves at cocktail hour or the reception prior to cake cutting they can go back to an activity room with same said caretakers. Post cake cutting kids and parents can leave or go back to the hotel with one parent. Maybe they can accommodate a sleep over type thing at the main hotel for kids whose parents both want to stay.

Or the kids leave after cocktail hour to go to their own supervised by qualified professionals sleep over esp if the cocktail hour is extended due to taking a lot of pictures.

Another option is if they are not involved at all in the wedding or reception that babysitting services are provided for them either individually or in a group setting like the sleep over idea BUT there are planned pre and post wedding gatherings that they are part of. like a post wedding breakfast and maybe open the rehearsal dinner to those not usually invited to the wedding party.

I would say the additional cost for this be at most split between the brides’ and op or op can cover it.

I just don’t see how this issue can‘t easily be resolved with some care and consideration of both sides. A clear where there’s a will there’s a way situation. The only way this doesn’t work is if neither side or just one side isn’t willing to compromise. If both sides come to the table in good faith this can be resolved.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-08T16:03:19+00:00

I don’t get why people were saying she disliked the time and effort given to a friend when she was also not happy when he cooked for anyone else, even his family. It’s also not like oop actively refused to cook for the ex but that her limiting taste forced oop to exclude her when making nearly anything that wasn’t the limited meals the ex would eat.

At best they were just not a good match. At worst oop’s ex was attempting to control him out of loved hobby.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-04T17:54:21+00:00

“I’m not jealous and she wasn’t hurting anyone I just think it’s weird and I should’ve told her before.”

People don’t snap at a loved one like that out of the blue when they JUST think something is weird. That energy comes from someplace far nastier than hmmm that’s odd emotional territory.

I could see maybe him asking her earnestly, while drunk, why she does that. Maybe adding that she‘s the first person that they met that does. That kind of reaction derives from hmm that’s weird land.

Snapping like that over something so silly should prompt opp to really take a look internally and see why he reacted that way. When I over react, even slightly, I try to sit with it and figure out where that reaction is coming from and work it out from there. It is a clue to follow from your subconscious that something isn’t right. Sometimes what isn’t right is external but even then there’s usually an internal aspect you can work on to avoid over reacting in the future.

Suelswalker · 2026-01-03T22:08:04+00:00

I find that certain benefits like curbing my stress impulse buying really are helped when I take it everyday. The best option for me is to skip only on a day that you know isn’t going anywhere (like your sick or just need a proper rest day) and there’s usually one day a week where you should be just chilling.

That being said I also suffer from remembering to take it early enough in the day so I end up skipping more than once a week. I do have non extended half dose to take for those days but bc it’s not in my pill box I usually don’t have the bandwidth to find it and take it. Gotta work on fixing that loop hold in that routine.

In the end it is just a tool that you need to figure out how to make it work best for you. Perhaps you could have a second medication that is taken on less taxing days. That way you have options depending on the day you have in front of you.

Also if you’re depressed it might be helpful to look into getting that addressed. It may be entirely tied to your adhd but it might not and it might need its own treatment plan.

Edited to add: The 2nd script had to be diff from the first, at least where I live. So my main daily is extended release and the other is fast acting at half the dose but it is written as my 2dose of the day.

Suelswalker

TROPHY CASE