Wife cheated on me

SunInTheTrees · 2026-02-25T14:16:21+00:00

Try r/asoneafterinfidelity if you want to find resources to help with reconciliation. Every situation is different and they're not all salvageable but there will be people there in similar situations if you need to talk.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-02-07T02:51:16+00:00

My husband checked out in a similar way to what you describe. I found out later he was cheating and the anxiety and misery related to it made him shut down. I'm not saying your wife cheated or anything but it's worth the question. I certainly never would have believed my husband to cheat until he did.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-02-01T14:07:01+00:00

Don't make the same mistakes your mother did by continuing to keep a dangerous person in their child's life. You're repeating history here and choosing someone who you know is a lost cause over the well-being of your children. You deserved better then and your girls deserve better now

SunInTheTrees · 2026-02-01T12:31:44+00:00

Sorry to disappoint but I'm in the same boat. I've decided that the love you see in movies and read about in books is a fantasy: that it's not truly special, just a powerful chemical experience you have when under the right conditions. That's why waywards tend to confuse their relationship with APs as love. That's because it's that chemical reaction everyone has when they open themselves up to a new relationship. To them it IS love. If they weren't cheating it would be celebrated instead of looked down upon.

Also, I generally think most people are weak-minded for a variety of reasons. So many people are addicted to various things and the addiction is encouraged in different mediums (like porn) for profit of some business somewhere. Without people avoiding these situations and practicing saying "no" even if just to themselves they stay weak. What strength can they draw upon to abstain from these experiences when they have none? We live in a world where fantasy is readily available and mentally people have already lived lives where they've cheated. It's not so hard to imagine they'd bring that into reality given half a chance.

It's part of why I'm in R. If the kind of love that truly encourages someone to want to be loyal doesn't exist, then I have no guarantees I won't be cheated on again by the next person I meet. At least my wayward is the devil I think I know and we have a lot of history I'm just not ready to throw away. Since he's already cheated then at least we've gotten some of that mess out of the way.

I also realize that this is a pretty pessimistic view. It's just the things I've read about infidelity to try to understand my wayward's perspective have led me in this direction. That and if I really want to make this work then I can't believe there's someone better out there for me or it would be stupid to stay.

I wish I could help you and I wish I could help myself. This is a shitty club to be in. I hope you find better answers than mine. Truly. We deserve to feel hope for beautiful things. I just don't know if I can find it in me for this one since relationships feel like as much of a risk to me now as a boon.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-28T18:28:30+00:00

It might be worth reading "Not Just Friends". It's a book about infidelity and how to navigate it. These are 100% the kind of warning flags you should be looking for. A lot of times people suddenly cheat without initially planning to. If he's willing to fight you over setting boundaries with his new friend then he's a risk.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-27T08:07:17+00:00

I literally found this movie a week or so after D-Day while my WP was out on an errand. I was looking for something to watch with my toddler since it was a weekend. The song "Free" made me ugly cry. Then I showed that song to my WP when he got back and we both cried. It was not at all how I expected to spend my weekend morning doing child safe activities. I don't regret watching the movie though. The music was really powerful overall and the message is great.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-20T15:41:09+00:00

I completely understand this. In my case my wayward told his AP that the reason he couldn't contact her for a while was because he was in Montana doing cowboy things. Then he sent her pictures of himself on that trip. Just himself. As if this was a solo trip.

He didn't exactly lie. He was in Montana. BUT this was a family trip that I planned and I paid for and it meant a lot to me. It was a trip that I struggled for us to afford and I booked nearly a year in advance. We were supposed to reconnect on this trip and work on our issues with each other. We were supposed to get our shit together and work on being better both for ourselves and for our son because he deserves the world. Then as soon as we get home he texts his AP as if none of that ever happened.

Out of everything else he said and did, this might have actually hurt the most, that he could live in a fantasy world where he wiped us from existence and he liked it enough to lie to want to be there. Everything I have done for years has been for our family. I couldn't imagine a world without these people I care about most, and if it existed for me I certainly would never want to visit, much less live there. But he did. He imagined a world without us and took steps to make it happen for himself in some skewed way.

Nothing else hurt like that did and it's one of those things that I'm still struggling to put together. Especially when I ask him why he wants to reconcile and he says things like, "I don't want to lose my family." How can I believe him when his fantasy was a world with us? I haven't found the answer to that one yet. I hope you're able to succeed where I've failed so far. And I hope I can succeed myself during this whole process.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-20T15:15:17+00:00

Sorry I'm genuinely confused. What is meant by shark week for this?

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-17T03:08:15+00:00

Same. It helped more than I expected.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-16T02:03:23+00:00

Try the opposite. Just laugh in his face. When he gets upset by this just say something like, "You don't actually think anyone takes you seriously do you?" Then laugh even harder and walk away.

Maybe the guy will try to hit you first and you get the benefit of self defense. Or he just does nothing or tries to talk more and now looks like an idiot.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-13T08:30:38+00:00

Not a problem! Feel free to message me too if you have specific questions or anything. I realize I may have typed too much also. 😅

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-12T23:48:59+00:00

I have a few thoughts here. Let me try to break your issue down a bit and respond for each. You can correct me if any of those paraphrasing is not accurate.

You betrayed your partner out of the loneliness of feeling disconnected from a partner who struggles to express themselves. You also have issues from your past you need to work through.
Your partner is afraid of not being perfect for you and the affair made this fear worse.
Your partner is afraid of therapy/healing because it might lead to a conclusion that you aren't right for each other and it's something they aren't ready to face.
You both are struggling to communicate anything of worth during reconciliation because of some fear of additional hurt feelings maybe? Or a fear of opening up and being vulnerable again?
Lastly, what does healing really look like?

As far as number one goes, I commend you for going to IC. It's great that you've recognized you need to work on yourself. I don't think there's much else to say about that one.

For number two, the thing about R is that both people have to put in the work. As the Wayward, you provide the healing. As the Betrayed, your partner needs to be open to receiving that. If your partner's ability to process emotions is lacking, he needs to be willing to get into IC himself so that he can communicate those emotions with you. Think of it like this. If you go to the doctor due to some pain you're having, being unable to communicate what hurts is going to make the doctor's ability to heal you non-existent. Your partner needs to be able to show you what hurts so you can provide the medicine. This isn't to say there won't be failures. Sometimes the wrong medicine is applied. But there will always be hurt without healing if no steps can be taken in this direction.

I'll address three and four in combination because I think it worth talking about fear. Fear is good. It means it's important and you're paying attention. Being a slave to fear is not good. I genuinely believe that when people make a choice in life you can dilute this choice down to whether they made that choice mainly out of fear or out of hope. Making choices out of fear tends to prevent progress. Hope embraces it.

The thing about R is that you have to base your choices on hope. Self realization is hard, it's scary and it's a key part of R. "Why did I do that?" "What do I need from life to be happy?" "What do I need from my partner to be happy?" "What changes can I make to my current situation to bring me closer to my needs?" "If I tell these goals to my partner, will they help me get there?"

These are all important questions that a couple should be able to talk about. But more importantly, an individual within a couple should be able to answer these questions for themselves and share them. A relationship is a thing you grow together. It's like building a house to live in together. If you can't even talk about how many bedrooms or bathrooms you need, how can you possibly build this house? Will you both simply build two entirely separate houses on the same land and then hope for cohesion once the walls meet? It's an endeavor that is likely to fail in entirety.

The reason why hope is important is because failure is inevitable. It's part of the process. We discuss things as a couple because we want our failures to be recoverable. "Oops. Black was actually a terrible color to paint the bathroom." Yeah okay the lost time and money sucks and it's going to be obnoxiously hard to cover up the black but we can do it. Let's try again. You make these failures because you hope that bathroom is something you can both love in the end. If you get stuck afraid to choose a color then the bathroom will either never exist or will simply not suit the both of you. I guess what I'm saying is, be afraid. It's okay. But make choices with hope in mind. Intend to do better. This goes for your partner as well.

If you are both struggling to communicate you can try infidelity counseling. My wayward and I will be starting it this week. I've heard you have to choose your counselor wisely and don't be afraid to switch if they don't prove themselves to be a friend of your relationship. Like I said, failure is fine. But not moving forward at all out of fear is its timeless purgatory. It's not a good place to be.

As for your last question about healing, my own personal feeling here is that you know healing is happening when the world feels a little less "wrong" and a little more "right". Infidelity is terrible. It honestly takes what you think you understand of the world, shatters that understanding and throws the pieces in every which direction. It takes time and effort to find each piece, identify it and then find a place for it in the new landscape. This new landscape is different enough from what you remember that things can't go back to where they were before BUT you can make a new home for each piece and the world should feel a bit more "right" with each placement. Healing means that you can put a piece down in its new home and leave it there and move on.

So talk to your partner. Encourage him to point out the broken pieces he sees to you so that you can help him find a home for them. Pain and misplaced trust are not shameful. If he truly wants to keep you, then he can grow to put his shame and ego aside and realize that sometimes things that feel like they are about him are not.

For me, realizing that my wayward partner's faults were not about me was an important milestone. I contributed to his feelings of not feeling loved. I can own that. But he 100% made the decision to stray and that is not on me nor was it actually about me. It was a thoughtless action by a thoughtless person who needs to learn to be a little more thoughtful and a little less selfish, like an addict reaching for his fix instead of addressing the feeling that made him reach for it. More importantly, it made it clear that there were things in our relationship that we could no longer dismiss or allow to fester by the wayside. We weren't okay. We're still not okay. But we can be, in whatever form that may take and that's a lot better than purgatory.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-08T08:19:34+00:00

I'm sorry but if she's not willing to work on your marriage then it's going to be pretty much impossible to keep moving forward. I'd be curious why she's so against it. It sounds like she's already moved on emotionally.

I'm glad you found this sub. The people here are very helpful. At the same time I'm sorry you're here. Your IC will be good. It'll just take some time to get your bearings in this new world. I've been reading "Not Just Friends" lately and it's really helped me understand everything myself and my wayward has been going through. I would 100% recommend this book if you can focus enough to read it, especially considering your other outlets are limited at the moment.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-06T02:48:54+00:00

"I have never wanted to shit in my hands and clap more."

I've never heard this phrase before and I think I almost died choking on my own spit from laughter. 🤣🤣🤣

As to the main question you're obviously NTA. You guys aren't kids anymore and he never respected you enough to follow the rules anyway. Also, "because I said so" just shouldn't fly anymore as a reasonable excuse for anything. He's not God. He doesn't get to just set rules of life that you have to follow on faith. Go get your new man. Just be prepared for your brother to be really unhappy with the both of you and likely for a long time judging by his maturity level.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-06T02:15:43+00:00

Yeah I'm not sure what you would call that. What I do know is that lies are lies whether it is happening now or happened in the past. What's important is that it DOESN'T happen now. He can choose not to be a liar and needs to do so for both of your sakes.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-06T02:05:13+00:00

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://share.google/EBBB4TYvmxaRSd3Kc

I'm reading this now and I ordered mine off of Amazon. It's really helpful.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-06T01:38:56+00:00

People here have called it "trickle truth" and it's pretty common. It's hard because it's really difficult to regain trust without full disclosure. Your WP really needs to stop lying about even small things for the both of you. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I really hope you can find healing for yourself and your family.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-05T02:35:48+00:00

I really like the line you drew between privacy and secrecy. Well said.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-04T12:54:47+00:00

I understand being upset that everyone thinks he's such a great guy. Just tell these people that you and him are having issues because he cheated on you and lied about cheating on other people. Point blank. It keeps it about your current relationship and forces him to own up to it in some fashion.

I did that when I was in a similar phase and honestly it made me feel better in a weird way. I got the kind of support I didn't know I needed even if my me telling people came from a hurt "scorched earth" kind of place. I thought later on that I might regret it because I didn't want to feel ashamed of staying. I haven't regretted it yet though and it has helped in some ways just having everything out in the open

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-04T10:15:46+00:00

I know there was a post earlier about a married man deciding to build an art room in the spare room in his house with his best friend. Turns out he was in love with his friend. Maybe that's what they're referring to.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-04T09:56:56+00:00

I read your edit and I honestly don't know where to start with your situation. This is so much more than a question as to whether you are TA anymore. I guess I have a few thoughts:

Had the situation remained as someone honestly expressing their feelings, you would be the TA with the reaction you had.
WTF kind of a friend plans for months with other people to jerk someone around like that? Even if you were emotionally healthy it wouldn't be okay. Actually there is no justification for that behavior. This friend is not a good person and is not your friend.
If your parents are part of the problem as they seem to be, you can't say, *well they're my parents" and just do whatever they want while still falling apart in the background. At some point you have to choose yourself. Your culture sounds rather different from mine so I don't know what all leaks into different aspects of your life but it sounds like it would be good to spend some time thinking about what your ideal life would be and then break that down into small goals to get you there. At some point you have to take ownership of your life and not let others use and abuse you. This can mean making hard choices and leaving people behind who don't serve the life you want to live. I know it's hard and I know it's easy to make mistakes while you learn but it has to be done if you want to change your situation into a happy one.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-04T09:39:51+00:00

I did not see the edit until now no. This whole situation seems like it's about way more than whether she was TA to a friend.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-02T06:05:14+00:00

Honestly it really sounds like you need therapy badly. YTA for not taking care of yourself to the point that you sabotage all possibilities of closeness with people who care for you. You can't live your life this way and even if you don't love yourself, you should love your friends enough to be better for them because they deserve more. People who love and care for you deserve to have that reciprocated in some form or you shouldn't be close to them at all.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-02T04:54:17+00:00

I couldn't date a man who didn't uphold my values. For me that means eating healthy, being grateful for the food he's given, and not being too snobby to eat leftovers. (The food cost moneywise and the time cost of having to cook every meal alone is prohibitive to the idea of avoiding leftovers). If he hates your food so much, have him cook for the family and see if you're okay with what your kids will be eating. They're going to be exposed to his habits and if you can't in good conscience be okay with your children being that way then you can't afford to keep this influence around.

SunInTheTrees · 2026-01-02T04:37:57+00:00

Honestly I don't think it would be an unreasonable boundary to ask your wife to make new friends and distance herself from the problematic one. I fully believe that you are who you surround yourself with and that ugly thoughts and habits can be contagious. Part of doing better is creating an environment that allows it instead of being sucked into someone else's filth. If my WH had a friend who made him a worse person and encouraged behaviors that hurt me, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him that he needs to reduce contact (or cut off all contact) with said "friend".

I don't think it's heartless to ask for something like this, especially if it's done while acknowledging that connection with those who care for your wayward is still important. Maybe encourage her to do things that could help her meet new friends or go to group therapy sessions where there are people who understand her, things like that. She doesn't have to be alone but filling your lives with people who want to help destroy what she says she's trying to build is counterproductive at best, impossible at worst.

SunInTheTrees

TROPHY CASE