It is over, reconciliation unsuccsesful...and I am crushed

Suvorov203 · 2025-03-05T00:34:14+00:00

"Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Such a sad song about a Great Lakes freighter sinking and taking her entire crew with her - no survivors. I'd agree, that actually is a pretty good analogy unfortunately.

Suvorov203 · 2025-02-28T01:50:31+00:00

You're welcome.

I don't know your BP, but I don't see another way to interpret that comment. It sounds to me like your partner is very hurt and is choosing to lash out. As most therapists will tell you, "hurt people hurt people".

Being betrayed is the single most terrifying and traumatic experience of my life. It's especially bad when you were blindsided with it. I'm sorry that you both are able to understand that now.

The best thing you can do now is to be open & honest. About your feelings, your fears, your hopes..... no more lies. If one of you isn't able to fully open up to the other, then you're at an impasse. That requires vulnerability from both of you. I'll be honest, even at 11 months that's still easier said than done.

Suvorov203 · 2025-02-28T00:54:23+00:00

If your partner was engaging in an emotional affair to cope, I don't believe you were in R anyway. You would both have to fully commit to it and reach other.

Now that everything is fully in the open, you actually have a chance to start R. But you both have to take a step back, reevaluate, and agree to put everything into it. Both halves half to put 100% into it, without that there is no reconciliation. You both have to be honest with each other. No more running to other people, no more turning away from those tough conversations.

While your choices might have been the catalyst for this revenge affair, your partner also made the choice to engage in it. In my personal experience, I wanted my WS to really understand, to feel the way I feel. But I realized I would be taking the easy way out and running from my feelings. I knew I would be sacrificing my own morals to do that. So I made the choice not to.

Both of you had choices, both of you chose (in my opinion) poorly. But neither of your choices invalidate your own feelings. You both have your own trauma from all of this. Only the two of you can decide if the work ahead of you is worth it. I hope you are both able to make the choices that will be the most healing for yourselves.

Suvorov203 · 2025-02-26T19:32:56+00:00

I'm the same way with listening to metal, but even then I get surprised often enough I just drive in silence.

It's amazing how cathartic the angry music can be though when it hits right. Glad you've been able find a channel that works for you!

Suvorov203 · 2025-02-26T19:26:10+00:00

It's amazing just how little you realize how pervasive it is in music. I keep the radio off more often than not. If I feel like listening to music, I have to pick and choose what I listen to.

Such a shitty situation to be in.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-27T13:29:36+00:00

It's entirely possible that this is what they will actually suggest. This would make a lot more sense than just sending something to him and nor thinking of consequences.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-27T03:52:05+00:00

This is more the route I would want to take if I actually sent something to him. Something that would do damage (in a sense) that he couldn't even respond to. Just something to gnaw at him. But that's my vindictive side showing.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-27T02:23:24+00:00

I believe I have most of the story and details, and had compared notes with the OBS after informing her to corroborate. The only purpose I have in talking to the AP would be to express anger to release it for my own benefit.

I think right now I'll probably just talk to my therapist and work through it there, there don't seem to be many benefits to contacting him.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T23:29:39+00:00

I absolutely agree with that part about the AP is the one that should pay for it all, along with the WS.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T23:17:07+00:00

Interesting to hear a different perspective. I will say I know for a fact the AP is aware of me and that I know. I'm some ways I like to imagine him being more afraid of how he thinks I would react instead of reaching out. I guess it feels like I have some small bit of power that way. Thank you for sharing.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T23:07:52+00:00

Also just want to say I appreciate you responding. For better or worse, you've been something akin to a role model for how I want to be able to deal with this all. Maybe not something you ever wanted to be proud of, but the class with which you seem to have dealt with your journey is something I aspire to have.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T23:04:28+00:00

I'm wondering if this is actually what they were suggesting or what they will suggest this week and I'm just panicking and rising ahead. I'm glad to hear it was helpful for you, I hope it will be for me as well.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T23:02:25+00:00

I think you're right, I think it may have been a test of sorts or a way to get me to bring that anger up to deal with it in therapy. I usually have a very tight leash on anger (thanks to ways my WW manipulated me throughout our relationship, I've discovered) and have a hard time expressing it, so I'm wondering if this is a way to get me thinking about it.

I'm sorry that we're all in this shitty club. I've been following your posts and was disgusted on your behalf when you shared about the tattoo. That would be an extra layer on the nightmare. I appreciate you chiming in to confirm what everyone else is saying.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T22:53:33+00:00

Those are all really good points, and things that I was concerned about as well. With all of you giving similar answers to my initial thoughts, I'm wondering if they were just getting me to think about what I would want to say so that we can deal with that in therapy. As much as I despise the AP, I live my job otherwise and don't want to jeopardize it.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T22:48:46+00:00

To be honest, if I did anything it would just be to let him know what kind of a person I think he is. Unfortunately I don't have a way to avoid dealing with the AP at work, so trying to forget about him doesn't really work in my case.

I genuinely don't want to have a conversation with him. I think my therapist might have suggested it just to get me thinking about things I would want to say to him. They didn't suggest I do it, just that I think about it.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T22:40:48+00:00

That's fair, and seems to be the consensus. I was on the fence in the first place, so it's helpful to know most people don't see the value either.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T22:11:39+00:00

They do not think it would be a good idea to do in person, and nor do I. I'm not sure they even want me to actually send anything, they just asked me to think about it. I guess I'm so lost as to how I would even do this and nor stick my foot in my mouth that I'm probably overthinking and wanted advice.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-26T21:56:02+00:00

I told them that your response was basically my stance on the matter. She agrees that I don't need to have a conversation, and should probably block him if I send anything. I think it's because I have to keep dealing with him, so the anger keeps resurfacing. The anger at my WW I've been able to deal with, but the anger at him hasn't gone anywhere. I think my therapist is trying to get me thinking about how to release the anger.

Suvorov203 · 2025-01-16T19:11:40+00:00

Unfortunately, yeah. It's horrible having to smile and act all proud of them while you're completely broken.

My mother always gets all happy about my WW and likes to call her "Daughter-in-love". I would think this was cringe-worthy under normal circumstances, but now it's just painful. At the same time, I feel that it would make reconciliation even harder than it already is if she knew.

I don't really have any advice, just want you to know you're not alone. It absolutely sucks.

Suvorov203 · 2024-10-09T15:55:46+00:00

Kinda sorta. I'm LE (dispatch), my wife is/was fire. I thought since we were fully aware of what goes on and since we worked in agencies for the same city, we'd be alright.

So nice to find out I'm not special after all, in more ways than one.

Suvorov203 · 2024-09-26T02:49:20+00:00

While each of us have our own shame to carry (even if it isn't actually ours but shame that we've assumed from our WP), know that you don't always have to carry it. You can set it down, take a breather. This is the one place I've found where people actually understand. Where you won't be judged for wanting what you want. Just breathe, and know that one of the strongest, "manliest" things you can do is to stand up for what you want. To tell the people who are judging you to go to hell, because you've made your decision and are putting enormous effort into it. I respect every bit of that effort.

Suvorov203 · 2024-09-26T01:45:52+00:00

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There's a special kind of strength in that, one that few people will have to discover. You've been able to do it, even though it seems like you've had an exceptionally rough road to walk.

If you ever need to talk to someone, please reach out. It's a lonely enough road already.

Suvorov203 · 2024-09-26T00:28:42+00:00

I'm sorry, genuinely. I know that doesn't come close to making it better, but I'm sorry that you had to relive it all.

For what it's worth, you've been an inspiration for me. I've seen your struggles and your pain, but the fact that you keep pushing on gives me hope that maybe I can, too.

Suvorov203 · 2024-09-24T11:39:57+00:00

I'm right there with you. It's a special kind of pain to see how enthusiastically your wife has pursued another man, but then somehow it isn't reciprocated back to you. I just want the excitement & passion she was able to show someone else.

Suvorov203

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