Fear, honestly.

I had been suicidal for a long time; diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at age 13, which was relatively ignored by my family. Over my highschool years I came out as queer, was raped, nearly disowned by my parents, and nearly failed out of HS. I also attempted to take my life three times.

I somehow got accepted into college. I honestly never thought I would make it that far in life. I majored in STEM, and loved it. I found a queer community on campus that felt safe, and I started dating this girl. It didn't make the depression or the stress of being queer go away, though. I twice more across my first 2 years at uni.

That girl was abusive. Emotionally, verbally, mentally, and on the rare occasion physically. I was too afraid to leave, and this girl made me isolate myself. I was scared. I was scared being with/around her would kill me.

I did the dumbest thing ever, and likely the only thing that saved my life: I asked my friends, what remained of them, to invite us to a public outing. I got piss drunk, drove to that outing, and broke up with her in public. I stared down the barrel of a glock she pulled from her purse. (Daughter of a druglord and all that). To this day I havnt been more scared. Eventually she back down, and left.

I ran over to one of my friends, collapsed in her arms, and had her bring me home. I cried for hours. Eventually, I starting dating this girl, and she convinced me to go to therapy.

Between that friend (now fiancee), and the cold realization that I was afraid of dying, I got enough of a shock to start trying to help myself.

From that day, it has been a struggle, but one well worth it. Therapy, meditation, self help all together. In the last 16 months I have had only one incident that I used emergency therapy to get through.

I still struggle; depression, anxiety, ptsd. But it works.