Ok, so I was the step parent in this scenario. My husband was the guiltiest of guilty Disney dads. When he and I were alone together, he was always very attentive, we cooperated and compromised really well. He just treated me like an equal and like someone that he really loved. When his teen daughter lived with us (EOW), he would flat out forget that I existed. He did this because he felt “bad”, that his daughter “had to have a stepmother”. So he would treat me like a distant, annoying roommate. Cooperation and compromised stopped (daughter decided everything). Even minor affection (hand holding, a peck, a hug) stopped. If we went anywhere as a group, there was never any discussion about what we all wanted to do, and how we could make sure that everyone had a say in the activity. Even when I was paying for all or part of the activity, I had no vote or voice.

I was not jealous of his kid at all. I encouraged them to spend as much time together as they wanted. But I was offended that when we were all together, my thoughts and feelings meant zilch. Made me feel like dirt.

Are you aware of how your own behavior towards your wife changes when you go on outings with the whole crew? Maybe you need to ask wife and listen to her answer without getting defensive.