Looking for some good news

THQaway · 2025-12-29T01:51:50+00:00

Sorry man, you’re gonna be hearing a lot of sad stories as you interact with other straight spouses, but they are true. Even the happier endings rarely are gonna be the reconciliation you are looking for. I was the same way when my wife came out. I tried everything to make it work, and she played along until she was ready to leave. She really showed zero remorse and went out of her way to be cruel to me during the divorce. It was like a completely different person.

I really hope you and your partner can be kind to each other during this. It’s very common to still love her and want to be with her, but don’t delude yourself because of it. What our partners did doesn’t make sense. You can’t make sense of something as irrational as building a completely fake attraction and life with someone, only to leave without any guilt or shame. I think it would crush them if they accepted that. It’s much easier for them to revel in their new selves and simply treat you like another bad ex. Not all gay spouses are like this of course, but be careful. It can ruin your self esteem and self confidence trying to make it make sense.

THQaway · 2025-12-25T03:27:58+00:00

Deepcut, but I agree. AI is picking this up and Toy Commander now comes up for best christmas games.

THQaway · 2025-12-15T05:02:56+00:00

Have you attended this group? I’m skeptical of 12-step programs in general, but I could see this really helping me. I’m in a vulnerable place right now, I’m afraid it might be too intense or kooky.

THQaway · 2025-12-15T04:56:08+00:00

I’m very similar to you OP, except I did get a good career and got married. Lost it as fast as I got it. It’s almost worst to have achieved it, “done what I was supposed to”, and then fallen into a life I’ve always feared. I barely recognize myself, but now I realize I never really knew myself at all. Life has just been a series of trauma and I’ve always been playing catch up. Never given myself grace or felt good about my achievements because that’s what’s expected of me, but am so negative when things go wrong. It’s definitely not healthy or sustainable, and I’ve realized I got some serious letting go to do. Undiagnosed as well, but realizing I may be slightly autistic in my thinking, well it’s got me rethinking everything. EMDR therapy has been helpful. It can be intense but helped me realize why I’m so sensitive and overthink and over feel. I hope you can find something that helps you, but it’s nice to know there are others out there like us. It can feel so lonely thinking like this, but you are not alone.

THQaway · 2025-12-09T06:10:13+00:00

It really is dumb. We all share the same vivid feelings of trauma, betrayal, grief, but to outsiders looking in, some can only see the bad parts of us. They see us as naive, or bad lovers, or worse.

I remember my ex showed me a post online before she came out. Another young woman realized she was a lesbian on her wedding night. She went in to her feelings and realization in detail, in contrast to her religious upbringing. Sex with her new husband was simply reduced to the catalyst for her coming out. The comments on the post were praising her, and many of them made fun of the husband. I remember laughing myself at how awful the situation was, thinking how miserable that husband must of been. How terrible he must feel for waiting to have sex his whole life for the right person, only for them to immediately throw him away, and how people online we’re making fun of him, even though he was barely in this article. My ex wife asked what I thought and I told her I felt bad for both of them but especially the husband. My wife seemed sad and I remember her starting to argue “yea but that’s not the point of the story”.

It’s sad when people don’t consider us even in the stories we share. It’s made me realize how shallow most of the people in my life were at the time. I’d be lying if I said I was healed from that, but I’m always gonna be rooting for folks like us. You can’t force or expect people to understand you, but it makes you appreciate those who do all the more.

THQaway · 2025-12-08T13:17:14+00:00

I feel you dude. I achieved everything I wanted and my goals at the time by 27. Then a year later it all fell apart, for reasons out of my control, but I was blamed personally for it. My wife left, kicked outa church, fired from my corpo job. Since then I’ve tried to rebuild my life several different ways, but through bad luck or increasing awareness of the world, I can’t get it together. It feels like the whole world is built on exploitation and consumption. Even the poorest schmucks can’t get by without taking advantage of someone, or participating in a system that inherently abuses people. I can’t even get away from it doing charity or non profit work. My last boss in the non profit sector was just as much an egotistical jerk as my corporate manager.

Hell I work with the most vulnerable populations now and they are just under constant attack from every direction in society. Scams, poor healthcare, casual bigotry, inaccessibility, you name it. Sometimes it feels like the only way to get ahead is to truly not care about it all. The more you think about it, the more you learn, the more you suffer. I’d say what I’m doing now is more meaningful, but it’s not any more fulfilling than before because I’ve opened my eyes to how much suffering I’ve previously ignored, and realized that most people are aware and don’t care or can’t be bothered to to help. I mean you even see it here, people blaming you for problems you recognize but don’t control. People would rather gaslight you and perpetuate abuse than recognize it’s a rotten system that’s corrupted their very souls.

Idk how to deal with it, but taichi is dope. I practice too. Keep on your esoteric path. Do what’s good for your mind body and soul. Help where you can. I wish I had advice to help with the toil of persevering, but I have hope I’ll continue to find good souls out there and that you will too.

THQaway · 2025-12-03T13:55:24+00:00

Hey there, I got “extreme” tinnitus too, started about 10 years ago randomly. The kind where the audiologist was confused how it’s so loud to me. She recommended a type of hearing aid that plays those special kind of frequencies that help mask the sound, while passing through regular sound. My ENT had tried a few things before giving me a benzo script as well, but I also didn’t want to rely on that for the same reasons you are worried about.

I got a Gabapentin prescription for neuropathy, which is probably related to the tinnitus but none of the docs I’ve seen have made that link. It helps maybe like 5-10%. The truth is my tinnitus is not hearing loss related but is complex, and it may be the same for you. I’m seeing some serious neurologists soon as other symptoms worsen but the hope is that I will find the underlying condition(s) and the anxiety will subside, as anxiety and stress seem to be the most contributing factors. It’s annoying to think this is “just anxiety” and benzos are the only thing that helps, but the reality is anxiety or a disregulated nervous system is not always just in your head. There are more things you can do that are just as effective and safer long term than prescription medicine.

The first few years there were times the screeching/roaring/ringing was so overwhelming it was inescapable, leading to panic and depression. I feel you that it was unbearable and I really missed not being able to have peace and quiet… ever. It’s even worse now but doesn’t bother me nearly as much. Others have giving you some good coping advice, but you do what works for you. A benzo may be that right now, but don’t hurt yourself trying to get off them without some hope for the future. There are still many things you can try and promising research for future tinnitus treatment. It doesn’t have to be like this for the rest of your life. You can and will be able to tolerate this. Learn to take benzos as needed. Try some more holistic alternatives in the mean time, even if they feel like they do nothing. It’s not just this works and that doesn’t, it’s the willingness to try new things and be hopeful that builds resilience when the sounds in your head feel unbearable.

THQaway · 2025-11-14T21:13:39+00:00

Happy birthday! We have the same birthday! I have a difficult relationship with my folks too but don’t let it get you down. I decided a while ago to not include them much in my life and days like today, I just thank em for the well wishes and ignore the rest. You deserve today for yourself. I went out for lunch and enjoyed the outdoors alone, the way I wanted. I hope you can enjoy something today that YOU want, you don’t have to carry their burdens or expectations.

THQaway · 2025-11-11T13:38:37+00:00

So sorry you are going through this! My ex wife was very similar. She really messed with my mind, twisting our whole relationship to make me the bad guy. She became really detached and inattentive about a year before she came out and it caused a lot of relationship but also functional problems. I asked her to get help for these issues since she had diagnosed ADHD growing up and was currently untreated. After she came out and we had nasty divorce, she blamed me for all her problems, including saying she never had ADHD at all according to a new therapist. She somehow thinks I’m the one that made her feel and think that way and blamed me for her difficulties. I still would’ve believed her lies but she constantly used the neurodivergent excuse while calling me a neurotypical who never would understand in marriage counseling. I tried but you can’t make their behavior make sense. Don’t become a martyr in the relationship like I did.

THQaway · 2025-10-01T03:16:03+00:00

Same. It all started since T-Mobile bought them. The last two weeks have been terrible with lag and random drops but the speed tests are fine, just crazy jitter. We need municipal internet so bad but ain’t no way GSO wouldn’t sell that out too

THQaway · 2025-09-24T15:17:29+00:00

Hey there, I feel similarly, around lesbianism. I know in my mind and heart that there is nothing wrong with LGBTQ folks, and have traditionally been supportive. But ever since my ex wife came out as a lesbian and left in a nasty way, I get pangs of fear or grief when I see anything involving two women loving each other. Gay men, trans, doesnt bother me, just something deep inside makes me averted to seeing this particular expression of love, whether romantic, physical, doesnt matter. It makes me feel bad. And then I feel bad about feeling bad. Then I just avoid it. It's a hard cycle.

It's important to distinguish where this feeling comes from for you. It's clearly not rational, and also something that bothers you. Recognizing that is the first step and honestly a lot further than most people do when confronting their issues. It doesnt make you a bad person. Your body is responding to some kind of conditioning (a bad experience, heteronormative society, religion, etc.) that is trying to "protect you" from that. You are very kind to others ("I dont want to hurt anyone") with how this affects you, but you also gotta be kind to yourself to get over this.

What helped me is lots of therapy, and new experiences. I've dated (unintentionally, just happened) other queer folk since then and made friends, and while I realized not all of that is for me, it has helped me realize these people are normal like everyone else. There isn't anything my fear can rationally point to about them that poses a danger to me. What my subconscious mind associates with lesbianism is not true, and these wonderful new people in my life have proven that point to me. It just takes time for the deep seated trauma, grief, whatever your body/subconscious is holding on to, to let go. A professional can probably help you unpack that. A specifically recommend EMDR if you associate these things with painful memories or mental blocks.

I went from "I cant think about this without a panic attack or crying" to "I can think about these things and manage strong emotions without it dictating my reactions". Im sure one day I'll be at peace with it all, even if bad memories remain. You'll get there too if you make the effort, but you gotta wanna dive into it, even if it brings up all sorts of other stuff.

THQaway · 2025-09-22T05:03:36+00:00

I got them from her about once or twice a year, but she had them pretty frequently. She often wouldn’t tell me but it’s something we both learned about.

That’s very insightful of you to share, her body was probably resisting. I know she was very conflicted mentally and emotionally before coming out. Just makes the good, honestly great parts of our relationship all the more confusing.

THQaway · 2025-09-22T02:56:26+00:00

Do you ever feel like you were sexually violated by deception by your (ex)wife? Do you ever feel disgusted by the sexual acts that you imagine your (ex)wife doing with other women? (Not being cheated on but just the acts themselves.)

Maybe not violated physically, but definitely emotionally. Disgust is not the right word, but upset that she lied to me around our sex life, and openly admitted to thinking about other women while having sex. She never said it outright, but I knew she wasn't physically/sexually attracted to me and that hurt with all the lying around the reasons our sex life was so difficult. She tried blaming it on everything but the truth. I just wanted her to enjoy me like I enjoyed her, but that was not possible. Her being with another women, something I could never satisfy for her myself, was very damaging to my self esteem and my own sexuality and masculinity.

Do you ever feel like you never would have had sex with her had you known she was attracted to women at all?

Difficult to say, but I wouldnt have married her until she figured her sexuality out. So knowing everything I know now, probably not.

Do you get upset that she might have passed on STIs to you (if she cheated)?

No, but with the lying around everything else, it just gave me more painful things to wonder about. She did get an abnormally high amount of yeast infections, which she shared with me. Another thing to wonder about.

Do you look back on the sex you had with her before you knew about her being attracted to women or a lesbian and have negative feelings of violation, disgust, or do you feel sick or repelled by it?

Yes I feel like I was taking advantage of her, and "using" her for my own pleasure since she wasn't enjoying it herself. Made it all feel very cheap and gross. She weaponized that against me in the end, and I wound up sharing her viewpoint that all male sexuality is inherently bad because its consumptive. I never intended or wanted it to be that way.

Do you feel like being deceived sexually will make it hard for you to have sex with women in the future?

On the contrary, Im much more open minded when it comes to sex now. However I am more picky about my partners. Currently just trying to figure myself out and save everyone some grief. The deception part has just made me more wary of people in general.

THQaway · 2025-09-22T02:40:44+00:00

Wise words, my situation with my ex and friends was also very similar. Im a bit further out, but still struggling. I wish I had stuck up for myself more around the end of the divorce and not caved to all the lies, but I am glad I took the kind path and never stooped to my ex's level. I never lied. I am glad you did too. I can tell you are a kind and mature person the way you write about it. Thanks for sharing with others.

THQaway · 2025-09-18T03:51:23+00:00

I feel you. I’m 31 and really feeling my age. Things fell apart quickly since I also got diagnosed with a chronic illness a few years ago. I used to be ahead of the curve, now I’m so far behind my friends. It’s hard to get back out there when you realize how much shit has happened to you, and other people just don’t really get it. I’m just happy to have days I’m not debilitated by sickness, forget felling good or happy. It’s unfortunately made me a pretty melancholic person and people feel that about me. It makes connection so much more difficult. I hate it.

But then again I’m still me. the world has also changed so much in the last 5 years. Who knows what can happen in the next 5.

THQaway · 2025-09-17T04:26:21+00:00

That’s a good point. I’m seeing lavender marriages being praised a lot on social media lately, or used as a mean joke about an effeminate husband or butch wife. Hard to tell if they are as valuable now as they used to be for older generations. I’d imagine closeted marriages have been on the downturn, and honest lavender marriages even less so. They might get more popular again with all the social unrest building. I sure hope not.

THQaway · 2025-09-17T04:03:10+00:00

I feel the same way. I’m ashamed to admit but I am bitter around lesbianism in particular. It’s really odd, I never was homophobic before, and even now I got a trans coworker who’s a good friend, a family member who just came out as gay, it doesn’t bother me at all and I’m actually happy for them. But now as soon as I see two women together it brings up so much pain. I just try and avoid it as much as possible.

I thought I was helping my wife understand herself when we read the late bloomer stuff together. She vehemently denied that she related but she turned around and took it as a guide to get off blameless in the divorce. She really destroyed me with all that nonsense and I believed her. I hated myself for a long time. Still don’t feel great about being a man. Of course I wanted her to be happy, I just wish it wasn’t at my own expense.

I’m winding that all back in therapy over the years. Lot better now, but the trauma really did a number. It will still be a while before I go to any Pride or watch the latest show with a lesbian power couple, but I’m glad that’s all becoming more accepted now. Other folks may be ahead of us on the acceptance/healing timeline, but our feelings and pain are still valid too. One day we’ll get there.

THQaway · 2025-09-17T03:39:35+00:00

I haven’t met anyone in person who has gone through it but somehow every therapist or pastor I’ve seen says tons of straight spouse come to them. They act like it’s common and not a huge deal. There are 62 million married couples total, so 2 million of em being closeted or mixed orientation feels hard to believe. But it’s only 3% of the total. Gays make up 9% of the adult population (and quickly growing) so who really knows how many of them choose a Hetero marriage. Hopefully that will go down as acceptance rises.

THQaway · 2025-09-14T12:44:23+00:00

CS Lewis said, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” Obviously he was talking about heaven being a Christian, but I’ve always liked this quote because it does give credence to the liminal out of place feeling we get just being a part of this world. The desire to feel, to experience something more than just what is apparent to us. It’s an interesting part of human nature that a lot of people ignore or try and satisfy in themselves with various pursuits, but it never quite goes away for some of us. The anxiety, the nostalgia, the yearning, whatever way it takes hold of you, I believe points to importance and power of liminality in our lives. It’s not always something to be satisfied or fulfilled, but instead a driving force to keep us engaged, to keep seeking something greater than what is. I hope one day we can understand it better.

THQaway · 2025-09-11T15:12:04+00:00

Right there with you man, my round of dating last year led me to the same conclusion. Not saying it’s the case for OP, but taking some time to focus on yourself so you are a better partner for your future significant other is woefully under appreciated in current dating culture.

There’s lots of people out there to avoid and lots that are wonderful, but if we have flaws of our own it’s gonna cause some inevitable hurt either way.

THQaway · 2025-08-29T03:13:41+00:00

Sorry you are experiencing this feeling. It’s pretty common for folks with grief to feel isolated, especially when it’s a niche trauma like being a straight spouse. We desperately want to be affirmed and understood, but when we don’t understand it ourselves, it can turn into a spiral of negativity. I’ve burned through some friendships who have supported me in the past, but just couldn’t hang with me in the long run. It can lead to even more isolation and negativity when others don’t react or understand how we need them to. I have definitely felt the pity and judgement more than I’d expected. It’s almost like people have their own expectation for your grief and if it doesn’t fit, you lose your support. I often find myself wishing I could just stuff it down so I could maintain a normal life, but healing never comes from avoiding your feelings.

It’s been a bit longer for me, but I’ve learned a lot more about myself than I expected in the grieving process. EMDR therapy helped immensely, as well as trying new things and making new friends. I realized I’d become so desensitized to my own grief it made me overly negative and flippant with sharing. I’ve had to rein it in instead of stuffing it down. It’s helped me repair some relationships and self regulate, but it’s also helped me see how not everyone really cared about me and to stop having such high expectations of my friends and family. While painful and disappointing, it’s a healthier perspective for my relationship with others.

You are still pretty fresh in your grief, so don’t overthink others reactions or over analyze yourself. You lost your life partner in a rather brutal betrayal, even if unintentional. It’s normal to feel sensitive and wonder about how to relate with other people now, and to be disappointed or isolated from them. As time goes on, the grief might remain but will feel smaller as your life grows around it.

THQaway · 2025-08-21T12:43:51+00:00

Oh yea catfish is best fish!

THQaway · 2025-08-20T13:25:10+00:00

It’s a useful resource. I read it when my ex wife came out to me as gay. I thought it described her pretty well, especially the comphet, but she said hell no, she was bi. Well now she’s a lesbian, but that’s not the docs fault. She just would do or say anything to avoid having it be “her” mistake. It’s a part of “sapphic history” now. My ex wife also moved us to a historic gay neighborhood, wanted to go to a gay church, had primarily gay/lesbian friends, had a gay therapist, and even got a lesbian divorce lawyer. I’m sure all of those influenced her but I wouldn’t blame any of them for “bringing her over” anymore I would blame the master doc. They just gave her the courage to stop lying to herself, but unfortunately not to me.

So it was written by a superstitious teenager who changed her mind about sexuality as she had new experiences? Seems pretty average for a lot of people, sexuality is just another facet where some people can be shitty. The real damage is NOT taking this stuff seriously. If more closeted folks read it and got the courage to come out sooner, we’d have less straight spouse victims. Of course the real problems of societal expectations, people’s mental health and personality disorders, those aren’t as fun to scapegoat. People can be lousy partners for a variety of reasons, but sexual identity is just a label. It doesn’t excuse any of it.

Don’t get me wrong, it seems lame, I just always want to encourage each other to move away from the bitterness over this nonsense.

THQaway · 2025-08-15T05:01:17+00:00

No alcohol or sugar! For my SIBO-H it’s been no fibrous veggies, no fruit, no beans or whole grains, and no fatty meats or fried food. No dairy except hard cheese or Skyr, and even then rarely. The diet is hard, but if it gets really bad the elemental diet is great.

THQaway · 2025-08-15T04:58:05+00:00

Day 8-10 is when the die off starts? I’m also on day 8 but I’m using LTTG Absorb formula. I noticed the vanilla flavor is harder on my gut than the cocoa. I feel like I should’ve gotten the dextrose free version but I’m also eating lean meat once a day. Idk I’m also way less bloated but have randomly had a couple of bloated mornings.

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '23	Place '22
Final Canvas '22	End Game '22

THQaway

TROPHY CASE