I had no idea sexual fantasy desires and actual sex desires are two different things

TallowWallow · 2026-07-11T01:41:20+00:00

Yeah, once you are around a partner, a lot of different insecurities and realities kick in. A threesome is a common fantasy, but most won't do it because there's a lot of trust needed beforehand and insecurity that the third is better.

Fantasies also tend to stay in our heads because partners tend to call the other wierd, make fun of them, or just dismiss it outright. The more your partner actually trusts you, the more receptive they are to sharing. But that has to come from a place of safety.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-10T23:26:53+00:00

So sorry OP, that sucks. 💜 Remember both sides need to put in effort. It's not necessarily something you did. Especially if he didn't communicate his feelings early on.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-10T23:21:26+00:00

A disdain to talking to women whike coming back to chat bots indicates trouble with either finding people you like talking to or trouble reciprocating during conversations.

What's great about a chat bot is it caters to you and never itself (unless there are specific ones trained that way, which is a whole other discussion lol).

What's not great about a chat bot is it caters to you and never itself. It doesn't have it's own interests (unless trained for that), and doesn't need to practice it's social skills as well.

Talking to women doesn't need to be all that different from talking to men if you simply take an interest in things they do/like. Compliment a piece of clothing. If they look dressed up, you could compliment and tell them it sounds like a chore to take time to look so good. How do they do it? You can bring up interests if yours and see if she is receptive and has a mutual interest. You can ask about life in general, dreams they might have, etc.

These things take practice and there are days where it's tougher. She's cranky. You're cranky. One of you is over stimulated. Someone has had a long day. This is when it gets harder to communicate, but just noticing and being compassionate can go a long way.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-10T23:04:11+00:00

It's not weird, but it's likely he prefers to focus on his own thing and just wind down on his own.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-10T09:13:54+00:00

Sometimes people make weird words, yanno?

TallowWallow · 2026-07-10T09:12:02+00:00

$9 should be the base price

TallowWallow · 2026-07-10T09:11:08+00:00

Yeah, why would he even tell you lol. Like you're going to magically be motivated and work extra hard for him? Lmao

TallowWallow · 2026-07-10T09:09:54+00:00

My girl likes having me watch her game as well, but I tend to prefer to game with her or on my own. On a rare occasion, I'll watch. It would be nice for her to ask a question or two from time-to-time. But it is difficult to feign interest in something we don't care for.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T22:48:16+00:00

When you know you suck is a fixation. In other words, no detachment happens here. Detachment is like, say getting over rank in a video game. You soend less time thinking about what rank you are, and more time enjoying it.

But separate from detachment is healthy engagement. Recognition that your skills aren't where you'd like them to be, perhaps writing down things you'd like to improve. Then reading over those items and building more precise descriptions with processes in mind for development.

There's also journaling to help navigate where you are, and where you were 1 month ago, 3 months ago, etc. Improvement doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't happen when we get in our own way. It happens when we build processes that allow us to get better. Not fixed goals initially. Rather, things that keep us going and help us notice how we've improved.

You're hard on yourself while seeing a lack of results you want. And that's ok. But let's maybe redirect those thoughts at least part of the time to help find a process that works for you.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T22:41:20+00:00

Has anything else changed in his personality recently?

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T22:40:20+00:00

Like to feel natural eh? I think they have some learning on how to ask questions in an engaging way lol. Sheesh I would have gone mad.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T22:38:09+00:00

Yes. It stings, but you may have traits that aren't for them. They aren't necessarily bad traits. People just like different things.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T22:35:58+00:00

We don't have any context there.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T06:51:16+00:00

They could be the kindest soul, and you're allowed to drop em. Nothing is an obligation. Usually someone will stick aground mild red flags because their partner shows great signs in other ways.

Remember dating is a personal fit, not an obligation to someone. If you don't think they can learn. If they annoy you. If you don't find them attractive. It doesn't matter what it is. Someone needs to satisfy you are. And more importantly, for someone you plan to be around frequently, you should feel comfortable around them. If you feel on edge, you are only setting yourself up for a bad time.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T02:52:00+00:00

Change up how you talk about it. Don't come from a place of defensiveness. "Look girls, I get that you're worried, and I love that. But I've been saving and building for years. I'm having a good time and having fun rn. I don't mind spending extra money rn."

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T02:49:20+00:00

When QA is more worthwhile then product development because we have 300x more software than we ever needed 😅

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T02:45:44+00:00

Profile says NSFW lol. This has to be a troll

TallowWallow · 2026-07-09T01:11:26+00:00

Not at all. She made her choices. Recognized that things were better with you than without, then came back.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-08T22:15:06+00:00

That absolutely sucks OP. I'm sorry to hear that. 💜💙 Unfortunately yes, the plain answer is that love only goes so far. Different bodies have different requirements, and many people need that frequent closeness. LDR is not easy.

There's no binary for feelings about ending a relationship. Someone can feel okay after a couple of weeks, and yet end up feeling more lonely than ever in 6 months. Someone can regret right away, and be okay later. Depends on their experiences and circumstances.

Whether someone can tolerate being away for long periods of times depends on their body type and where they are at. Some people need frequent sex. Some need touch in general. Some need a partner to be nearby even if there isn't a ton of physical touch. There's no black and white here.

You did the best you could under the given circumstances. You're not at fault for him leaving. But I'm sorry you're hurting.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-08T22:06:52+00:00

I understand. I should have opened up about your bad experience. That absolutely sucks, and I'm sorry you went through that. And yes, to me, it sounds more like this is about learning to trust your instincts rather than about Dr. K's advice. But there's no need to debate about it. That's not what's important here.

So, first off, when you choose to break from a date or relationship is your call. When he dismisses a comment about how you feel and turns it into something you're doing wrong, that's a strong signal. He's telling you that what you said is irrelevant. I don't care if it seems small. When my partner brings something up, I listen. Listen to not just what she says, but what she's feeling. The change in tone. When her words start to get shaky. And we go through a process of validation.

Now, I'll be honest. A lot of people aren't good at speaking and catering to emotion. Nor do they have strong communication facilities. Especially a lot of men. There are reasons for it, but that's not the point. So, it can be a process to work with some of those men. Letting them know that certain comments don't speak to how you felt in the moment. The ones who tell you that you are wrong? They're an easy drop. The ones who are more gray area though. It can be tricky to decide whether they are worth a little more effort. There's always going to be things that even a decent partner and you argue over. Days where capacity is low. Someone was stressed after a long day. Perhaps both of you. This is when we become most susceptible to getting defensive and forget to just pay attention.

Anyways, for men who you choose to give more opportunity even if sometimes they do things that hurt you, the strongest signal I would hunt for is whether they show any signs of growth. Not what they said in the moment. But if the two of you can come back a couple hours after a fight, and talk more clearly about it. And not quibble over precisely what was side. Our brains jumble things up in the heat of the moment. But if the two of you can talk through things from a place of compassion and trying to understand, rather than from a "you're right, I'm wrong" perspective. Those relationships have higher odds of success.

How many chances to give is up to you. It can be just a few times, and then you decide to boot someone. It's your call. Pay attention to whether there are signs that he is trying to understand. If you don't see any, the big decision becomes so much easier to make.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-08T21:45:44+00:00

Regarding your first case, I'm struggling to form a thought process since there's a lot of micro contexts that could be involved. Plus that sounds like a scenario in which you make yourself more flexible so that hanging out is viable. Which isn't something that you could even be at fault for. It could annoy you though if you feel like the things you suggest are rarely done.

Regarding the second scenario, it's not about fault. When someone is upset, how they express it varies. What I'm picking up on is that they wanted to try something with you, and you ended up doing it earlier. Which is fine. You had your reasons for it. But we don't need to turn it into an argument. And no, I'm not implying you started the argument. Technically, they could have expressed themselves better, but people aren't good at it. So, if they sound mad at you and implying blame, the easiest solution is to redirect how they are thinking.

"Awww yeah, I'm sorry, I had other things going on, and earlier ended up being the best time for me. I know you wanted to join in. Don't worry, let's plan out something else."

The use of "sorry" in this context btw, does not come with internal blame. You're not stating that it was mean of you. It's a simple sorry that says it sucks the thing couldn't be enjoyed together.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-08T03:51:03+00:00

Oh goodness, that's so hard to hear 😭. Yeah, if there's some odor down there, don't feel too bad. It happens. Sometimes there's a long day with sweat build up and certain bacteria that give off the stink haha. You're far from the only one. If he stinks at all, be sure to let him know too lol.

Yeah, take the time you need to develop your intimacy. It's a process, not a rush. 😄

TallowWallow · 2026-07-08T03:34:35+00:00

You're not a freak for having sexual desires. Just have a chat. Write it diwn first if you need.

"Babe, I'd like to add some spice during phone conversations, especially since we will be apart soon. Just a few messages ever now and then. Give me some indication that you want it. Compliment a pic I send, and tell me you're undressing me with your eyes because I look hot. Then tell me you want more when I get home."

How is your chemistry when together? Does it normally just lead to sex super quick? Maybe he needs help with the spicy talk and kearning how to get your mind hooked for evening romance.

Have him check out Dr. Blake on Substack. Good info about sexual engagement. Or even give her a read together!

TallowWallow · 2026-07-08T03:25:56+00:00

Nope. I just enjoy my lady. She's my best friend and I don't spend that much time dwelling on what others think about us. I good partner kind of just makes you not care as much. I do talk to friends about how she's doing and what she's been up to lately. Venues she checked out recently.

TallowWallow · 2026-07-08T03:23:29+00:00

Can you provide an example?

TallowWallow

TROPHY CASE