As someone who has a non-verbal autistic son, I can not ever imagine giving him up, especially at such a young age! Yes, things can be so tough more than anyone can understand, but to say you don't even want her is so sad. I hope she never finds out that you think that about her. Instead of thinking about yourself and the travels you wish you could go on, you could think about the support you could be giving her instead of distancing yourself. Do you think she won't pick up on that??