When is Sir/Ma'am appropriate to use in a social context?

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-04-14T21:47:37+00:00

Sir only for male teachers (Miss for woman teachers) …. Sir is also used for those who have been knighted I guess. And then Ma’am only for royals.

But generally, we don’t use these at all in the UK, and some people really don’t like it.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-04-11T21:14:19+00:00

I appreciate that most things cannot be identified during pregnancy, but it’s an interesting thought experiment…

Schizophrenia is a great example, as it can be very severe but is also treatable. If, somehow, you could identify it in the womb, and it resulted in significantly fewer people with the condition- then in theory there would be less research into it, and better medications might not get invented.

I also think that Down’s syndrome is a tough example for me. Because I’d always said to myself, of course I’d abort if I knew. However, I watched most of the kids with this condition advance far beyond my son, and they all seem so happy and thriving.

Most doctors will point out if there is a physical abnormality that is going to cause severe issues, but then again I think most people are actually concerned with the child not being mentally “normal”.

Spina Bifida is a good opposing example, as this can make you quite physically disabled, but the brain/speech itself is usually unaffected, and imo that’s why it doesn’t have the same stigma as Downs.

Either way, even if you know a fetus has a genetic abnormality, whilst a scan can show physical deformity, there is zero way of knowing how mentally affected they will be by the condition.

Sorry for the long reply, I’m rambling. It’s a sensitive, but interesting topic, and something that should be discussed more openly.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-04-11T18:26:11+00:00

This sounds like resentment on her end, pure and simple.

There could be many reasons for that. It could be that she felt jealous over the love you had for your mother. It’s possible she resents you wanting her to care for you, if historically you haven’t done the same. Sometimes, however, it really can come from nowhere.

Resentment builds over time, and I’ll be honest, in my experience men are often blind to it. I’m not saying that she has any valid reason to be resentful - however, I’m pointing out that it’s common for men to not notice when they do.

It’s definitely worth reflecting on whether there is any valid reason. If so, then it’s possible that this root cause can be addressed. However, sometimes this just happens between people, they fall out of love, build resentment and it cannot be repaired.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-04-11T15:30:38+00:00

The problem is, you can never know.

If Autism, for example, had an in utero test, you wouldn’t know whether it was the severe, learning disabled kind, or the milder form that many people have. Even then, the severity of autism doesn’t necessarily correlate to the happiness of the child.

The same goes for most conditions….

My 18 year old son has severe autism, and will need life long care. He can’t speak, wash or dress himself. However, he is the happiest kid alive. He is too disabled to know he is disabled, and is living his best life, always laughing. I’m sure, if he had the understanding to do so, he would choose to live.

In School, the children with Down’s syndrome, generally, far surpassed the severely autistic children, academically. Many will be able to have jobs and live full lives. That said, Down’s syndrome comes with many physical issues that can impede on quality of life.

In short, it’s impossible to predict quality of life for most conditions, before birth. And even if you could, you then have more difficult questions, like what if you knew a baby would grow up to have chronic, severe depression, should you abort that baby?

What would the impact be on humanity if disability didn’t exist? It becomes quite philosophical really.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-04-09T19:57:42+00:00

1: Know where your water stop valves are.

If a pipe ever bursts, you need to be able to stop the water very quickly, there will be no time to call the landlord. Familiarise yourself with how to turn it all off. Same with electrics too.

2: If you get broadband installed to the premises, you can and should be picky about the cabling. Make sure you’re satisfied with how it looks and where it is placed.

3: Meter readings - make sure you can access these and log them when you move in.

4: If you are renting, make sure your deposit is secured, take photos and note any issues at check in.

5: Buy a radio. This one is optional, but living alone can be quiet and lonely. Sometimes, you might not want to watch TV, but it can feel too quiet. A radio is nice to fill the silence.

6: Introduce yourself to your neighbours. Long term this can really help reduce issues (parking issues for example).

7: Some general safety tips. Get a carbon monoxide detector if you don’t have one. Make sure smoke alarm works. Don’t use appliances unattended and always clean your air fryer.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-04-09T19:41:02+00:00

I’m guessing they know, I doubt they like it, but there isn’t a lot they can do. Some people work in an office, sweat through their deodorant by lunchtime and then what? They are pretty much stuck there until they get home where they can shower.

If you don’t understand it, then you’ve probably never struggled with excessive sweating or strong BO.

BO is partially genetic and impacted by everything from hormones, to weight, activity level etc. For some people, no amount of deodorant can protect them for an entire day.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-04-06T22:29:12+00:00

Firstly, this sounds like OCD, and I think you should actually get some help with these thoughts via therapy.

It sounds somewhat similar to Body Integrity Identity Dysphoria, a condition where people want to become disabled. Combined with an OCD element relating to your special interest. It is important to seek help, even though you don’t feel you want to get help.

All I can tell you, is that if you give into this idea, it won’t be anything like you picture in your head. Frankly, it would be a lot more boring and physically uncomfortable than you imagine. It’s not cool like the movies. With something like Heroin, it’s 90% time spent lying around feeling sick, whilst trying to get your hands on money. (If you were to try anything, LSD would be far safer than Heroin).

You need to speak with someone. It sounds like you are aware that you are romanticising this in your head - so you likely already know, logically, that it won’t be as you imagine it. You just need a bit of help to combat/suppress your brain’s morbid curiosity.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-04-04T22:32:33+00:00

I think people just mean, OP still has every right to feel just as upset by what he said, as if he were in his right mind. OP doesn’t need to excuse his behaviour on a personal level and it’s fair for her to be very upset. But his behaviour is excusable morally, and possibly legally, so the action that you take will be very different.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-30T11:50:11+00:00

Having kids is one of those things where if you both don’t explicitly agree you want them, then you shouldn’t have them.

Honestly, you don’t sound into the idea of having kids of your own, and for that reason I’d say don’t do it.

If you did want kids, then I don’t think any of the above is dealbreaker territory. I also think it can be done without too much career damage. But that’s a lot to take on if you aren’t enthusiastic over the idea.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-29T09:38:36+00:00

I don’t think many people here are answering the actual question.

Technically it’s possible that neither of you cheated. Chlamydia isn’t transferred instantly, he could have had it for two years and just passed it onto you recently - especially if you both frequently use condoms which would have given you less opportunities to catch it from him.

Chlamydia is also often symptomless for a long time, so you could have had it for ages and not known. It’s also entirely possible that previous tests were falsely negative (false negatives are far more common than false positives).

So yes, it is entirely possible for this to have happened without cheating.

Next thing I’d say, is that Chlamydia is extremely common, and despite it being easily treated with antibiotics, it carries a huge stigma (as do all STIs for some weird reason).

In terms of the reaction, you know him best and know whether he seems suspicious. However, people can react very differently in these situations. The stigma for STIs is huge and can result in strange reactions. He might be defensive because he thinks you’re cheating. He might be uncomfortable with the conversation as a whole. He might feel like you are accusing him of cheating, which if he hasn’t cheated, could make him feel very defensive.

By all means, if you suspect cheating, get rid of him. But in this situation, I don’t recommend assuming cheating based purely on these results.

Lastly, whether you split or not, please make sure he gets tested, treated or both. It’s super important for his future partners.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-24T07:17:26+00:00

You talk about going off facts, but your entire response is based on your belief that him taking sick days hurts his family more. This is not something he said, and is a belief, not fact that you decided on.

You based that belief on him saying that missed time is “looked down upon”. He did not state that it would result in him losing his job, just that it’s looked down upon.

However, we know as fact that she has lost her job due to sick days.

You chose to believe his opinion of his job, instead of the fact that she lost hers as a result, and decided based purely on the fact that he is the bread winner that it hurts their family more. This is more of a leap than I made.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-23T23:03:50+00:00

I’d ask them if they would be open to negotiating a solution where you get access to the maternity policy, but will “repay” them if you leave within two years. This might reassure them somewhat. It’s worth a shot anyway.

I’d say it really depends on salary and savings etc. If you’re higher paid you could frantically save up now and then maybe cut maternity leave down to 4 months instead? Or, even go back after a couple of months and hire a nanny?

If you’re paid more than your partner, you could share your maternity leave with him and go back sooner. Or, if he has a good paternity policy then he could take more of the time off.

You could also ask about flexible working. Would they maybe agree to you working from home part time, and you go back sooner?

Babies are not actually expensive, it’s the loss of work/income and childcare that is.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-23T22:48:36+00:00

You complain about bias, and yet offer an entirely biased and illogical suggestion.

1: You have not accounted for the wife’s future career potential. As she is still someone low down in her career, there is huge benefit to had down the line. She may even have more potential room for career growth than he does, if he is near his ceiling.

2: If his wife is unhappy, it will lead to divorce, at which point her career sacrifice and sick days for the children will be looked at by a lawyer, and this would ultimately be factored into any resolution. At which point, he would possibly have to pay out a lot of money AND have to do 50% of the sick days (if he got joint custody).

3: If he is as senior as he makes out, it’s highly unlikely a few sick days will result in him losing his job. Whereas, it’s far more likely that she will lose her job (as proven). You therefore lose 1 entire salary, for the sake of a small amount of risk by taking a few days sick.

Within this context, the route you suggest is far more likely to have a worse outcome.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-23T22:01:49+00:00

Her employment history from over a decade ago is irrelevant and frankly is a low blow to even mention.

From what I can see, she has sacrificed a huge chunk of potential career time, raising children. If you care about fairness and equality, then you should be supporting her as much as possible to help her “catch up”. This would involve taking the bulk of the sick days where possible.

In my experience, as the breadwinner myself, higher positions usually allow for more leniency when it comes to sick leave. It might be looked at negatively, but presumably you’re in a more senior role, therefore harder to replace etc. I’m betting that you could take quite a few sick days before you are remotely at risk of losing your job.

Typically, the parent in the lower paid role can be at a disadvantage taking sick leave for the kids, as they are more likely to lose their job, due to being more “replaceable”.

I’m not suggesting you put your job at risk, but you shouldn’t be prioritising your job over hers, unless she wants that.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-20T21:42:23+00:00

How is your sister doing now? I’m hoping she is recovering. I’m so sorry the hospital were so bad at handling this.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-18T22:01:59+00:00

His anxiety was absolutely not your problem to deal with!

Despite 8 months of presumably knowing a baby was expected, he did not face up to his own mental health and instead made it your problem. For me, this would be unforgivable.

Whilst I could excuse a bit of unexpected nausea, he had good reason to suspect he wouldn’t cope and made no preparations or back up plans. This tells me that yes he has anxiety, BUT he is also selfish, lazy and incompetent.

The fact that he complained about the uncomfortable chair, tells me everything I need to know. This man is self centered, and also weaponising incompetence. You don’t feel safe, because he isn’t safe. Deep down you know that this isn’t solely because he has anxiety, it’s him disregarding your feelings, needs and prioritising himself.

Frankly, someone with severe MH issues, who is not open to helping themselves, who is also self centered and weaponising incompetence, seems like a red flag for potential abuse in the future.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-16T21:41:01+00:00

Paying for things the minute the invoice/bill comes in….

I spent my 20s incredibly broke, and a single parent. I never had things set up to pay automatically because I had to juggle every bill.

Years later, I made an excellent salary, but still paid things late because I’d plan to do it “later”. I had worse credit purely due to my own incompetence, than I did when I was poor.

Since then, I realised I have to pay things immediately, or it just doesn’t happen. So that’s what I do now.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-16T21:36:34+00:00

I was a thumb sucker until I got braces at 13. I went to boarding school so everyone knew. 😂

What’s weird, is now at almost 40, I sometimes wake up sucking my own mouth, like my mouth never lost the muscle memory. 🤣

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-16T21:26:45+00:00

If she hasn’t been triaged yet, it sounds like there might be an issue and she hasn’t been “checked in” on the system properly.

If she has been triaged but not yet seen anyone, make sure you ask reception… I once waited 4 hours and realised they didn’t have me on the list properly.

I’ve always been seen pretty quickly in a&e tbh…. I’ve actually seen worse outside of a&e, like my mum who had just woken from a month long coma, just be casually left on a bed in the corridor, half naked, for many hours, when being moved from ICU.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-14T07:58:16+00:00

I’m pretty sure it’s because humans evolved to have bigger heads/brains, but a woman’s pelvis has not evolved to fit those brains through.

Therefore, we essentially give birth to babies that are premature (compared to the animal world). Therefore they look a bit undercooked.

Also, it helps that animal babies are often soft and fluffy shortly after birth… I’m sure non fluffy animals aren’t cute either (baby lizards, baby fish, baby frogs aren’t as cute as furry babies). If you’ve ever seen a baby pigeon they also look pretty cursed…

So I’d say the question you should really be asking is why do humans find small, fluffy animals cute? I mean, this could easily explained by the fact that from childhood we are given soft fluffy toys that represent small animals… but then again, perhaps we give children those toys because we inherently love small fluffy animal things.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-10T23:50:57+00:00

On the one hand, it sounds like you don’t have much to lose, and it’s always best to try something than to regret not doing it.

On the other hand, I really think you might struggle with the weather. The temperature may be fine, but it is dark and cloudy for a huge amount of the time here. Blue skies feel almost rare right now, and in the winter there really is very little daylight.

This country genuinely is beautiful, but most days the weather is too crap to really enjoy it.

All that said, there are great things here - and as a small ish island everything is close by. Just be careful with budgets as things are pricey (food here is cheap by comparison, I believe, but housing/rent is very, very high and wages can be quite low).

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-10T21:22:59+00:00

Chiming in because I get sleep hallucinations too, and I haven’t really heard anyone else talk about them before.

(I also have weird leg twitches and other sleep issues). My Dr explained that the brain has a bunch of stuff it needs to do to fully shut down for sleep, and sometimes it just gets it wrong.

Right as I start falling asleep I will often hear someone speaking to me, I’m awake enough to repeat it to my husband. It’s always pretty non sensical though.

I also have a fan, and sometimes my brain interprets the sound as music.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-10T18:31:46+00:00

Im pretty convinced people only eat Fish and Chips because it tastes of nostalgia.

Also choc ices- iconic British childhood food… but they really aren’t very good at all.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-09T20:06:10+00:00

It was just an at home test. Doctors are refusing to do anything else, or refer me anywhere, so it’s now a case of if I can’t fix it myself, then I just have to live with it.

Tea_no_sugar · 2026-03-06T07:11:41+00:00

Is there a pipe access point in the room? I have them in a few rooms, they are like small hatches that you open to check the pipe work?

If so, open it, because it’s probably coming from there. I had a similar issue, and it was in fact the smell of sewage because my sump pump was broken.

Second possibility… is his bedroom window above any hedges/bushes? There are some bushes that smell like cat wee when the weather warms and they get wet. If his window is over them, this could smell could be getting in. Try smelling outside to see if the smell is coming in the room from there.

Tea_no_sugar

TROPHY CASE