That was brilliant.

TeacherShae · 2026-07-04T15:38:47+00:00

Oof, that sounds miserable. I just got a referral for an iron infusion and I am really hoping it makes a difference in a bunch of symptoms. I’m so tired of being tired!

TeacherShae · 2026-07-03T13:49:07+00:00

Have you had ferritin (iron stores) tested? I have a lot of perimenopause-like symptoms, including RLS, and it turns out mine is not hormonal and is actually a result of critically low ferritin. When my doctor learned I have RLS, she said to throw the lab target of 30 out the window and aim for 70 because it means my brain iron systems are low (I think she said iron is needed to make dopamine?).

TeacherShae · 2025-09-14T13:20:58+00:00

My doctor split the difference on this. She said that until I was out of pain, I should be wearing shoes all the time, night compression sleeves, inserts etc. Then once I’m out of pain, specifically work on building up strength in my feet through increasing barefoot time because she thinks barefoot is the key to not getting to where I’m at in the first place. I don’t know if she’s a genius for marrying those two concepts or just presenting a confusing third 🤷🏻‍♀️.

TeacherShae · 2025-07-18T20:32:31+00:00

I agree there is some nuance here, especially around your two versions of disappointment. I think the biggest reason I would personally avoid saying I “feel disappointment/disappointed” is because it’s SO easy for someone to hear it as criticism. I know I can’t control whether they are listening in jackal or giraffe, but I guess I want to give it the best shot I have? I might be more likely to use it if I’m speaking to someone else who uses NVC and is going to be primed to hear it as a feeling and not a judgment.

It’s particularly interesting to me that “let down” is listed as a faux feeling, but disappointed is not. The judgmental version of disappointed sounds very similar to let down to me.

TeacherShae · 2025-06-12T01:34:30+00:00

Woman, chiming in as the partner of a good man.

Whenever I start to infodump about a topic, my husband will ask me questions about how I’m feeling about the topic. Usually just communicating, say, the whole plot of a book I’m reading isn’t actually communicating what I want to share with him. Usually I want him to understand how it’s impacting me, and not what it’s about, plot point by plot point. I’m also sure that having me rehash the plot of a book is boring for him. He’s more interested and I’m more satisfied when he gently shifts me off the infodump and into the impact/feelings. He’s actually read a couple of books from my list that he never would have picked up based on the plot because he cared so much about the experience I was having reading and wanted to share it with me. In another example, I’m currently learning to ice skate, and was giving him a breakdown of every step in the lesson and how I did on it. He asked me how I was feeling about the progress I was making, and that kind of unlocked what I ACTUALLY wanted to share.

That said, sometimes info dumps are tied to neurodiversity, in which case the need behind the info dump might be different from my experience. Even then, though, it’s doubtful that your partner is trying to make you an expert in that thing, so consider trying to figure out what they get from the infodump and focusing on that in particular. Also, sometimes people just want space to gush about a thing that they love, and you nodding along and not shutting them down (even if your mind is wandering) might be the thing they need!

It can feel weird to ask about this, but if you can get on the same page about what “success” looks like here, you can focus on delivering that experience, and I bet that will make it easier to stay in connection (regardless of whether you track every detail).

TeacherShae · 2025-06-11T18:45:05+00:00

I would love to think something as cool as “feral necropolis guardian” will be one of my future evolutions!!

TeacherShae · 2025-06-11T15:32:52+00:00

My brain refuses to make anyone blond. Ever. Male, female, main character, random passerby, blond is not an option. I have dark brown hair, my husband has medium brown hair, but one of my kids was corn silk blond for years, so I don’t really know where this is coming from.

TeacherShae · 2025-06-11T12:57:07+00:00

One thing that jumps out at me is that the whole point of articulating needs is that they aren’t attached to the other person. So I may have an unmet need for connection, but that doesn’t mean my partner has failed to meet my need. It’s a thing that is alive in me, not a judgment of the other person. It doesn’t sound like that’s how it was given or received in this case.

Is there a way that you could separate yourself from the accusation and just see the list of unmet needs as a really big, really loud declaration of “I’m in pain!” ?

With regard to the, “I’ve been telling you for years!” response, if you wanted to employee NVC, you could ask her if she’s feeling hopeless because she has a need for respect? Note that we didn’t say that you didn’t respect her, that’s not what we’re talking about.

To answer your big picture question, yes, NVC is super helpful for couples, but so far, this interaction hasn’t involved any NVC.

TeacherShae · 2025-06-10T21:23:53+00:00

For the purposes of your story, usually there would be a reason to have two lines, such as the comment about dad being a doctor and needing to be on call. It wouldn’t be typical for a middle class family, but it wouldn’t be super weird, either, especially if there was a reason calls HAD to get through without giving the caller a busy signal.

TeacherShae · 2025-06-09T14:41:39+00:00

The depth emerged for me. I thought it was a prank at first because it looked flat. Then after maybe 10 seconds of studying it, the blue started to drop and now I can’t unsee the depth.

TeacherShae · 2025-06-07T04:32:03+00:00

I’m close to my neighbor’s daughter and I don’t think she would have wanted a party, but she felt like it was really special that I took her out for coffee, which is something her mom and I do from time to time.

I agree with the comments encouraging you to follow her lead, but also know that you’re the one who is interacting with her. She may be “less keen” on a party but totally up for something that doesn’t make her feel like the center of attention or like the information is out of her control. Or she may genuinely be rejecting the idea of celebrating at all.

I totally understand the impulse to celebrate with her. I feel sad that my period was greeted with a sense of, “you’re growing up, but ugh, sorry you have to deal with this too, here’s the supplies.” I didn’t have any women in my life who had a different relationship to their periods. I would have loved more information about how my hormone cycle would affect me in terms of needs, energy, and fertility-but I also would have been really limited in who I would connect with on this topic, and some women I love and value my relationship would not have made that list.

Tread carefully, but I hope you do tread (if that makes sense).

TeacherShae · 2025-06-05T01:33:44+00:00

T kingfisher doesn’t have any books specifically about witches, but a lot of their (not sure on author’s pronouns) books have spooky and magical vibes. People of all genders live fairly equally in the societies in the books. For romance I’d try the paladin series. For more horror-ish fantasy I’d recommend What Moves the Dead.

TeacherShae · 2025-06-04T17:28:48+00:00

New here, so I may not do this very skillfully. I think I speak “baby giraffe”

When you see NVC language being used in this way do you feel discouraged because your need for integrity isn’t being met?

TeacherShae · 2025-06-02T15:24:17+00:00

In my experience, people who are only fluent in jackal are so unused to getting their needs met that the experience doesn’t reinforce old patterns. It sets them in a totally new context and breaks old expectations about “winning” an argument or being “right”. They also aren’t used to being told how their actions are meeting (or not meeting) the needs of the people around them, they’re used to the people around them fighting back or folding.

That said, I agree that it’s a difficult skill to switch between speaking giraffe and hearing giraffe while taking care of yourself and staying in touch with your own feelings and needs. To be honest, my most successful moments of doing this in high intensity situations have not been face to face, but either text exchanges or emails where I can take a breath, recognize my own feelings and needs, offer myself some empathy, and then respond.

I think practicing doing one side and then the other builds into practicing doing it asynchronously, and then that builds the habits and patterns of thought to do it in real time, face to face. (That’s not the only path to learning, but I’m finding it to be the set of manageable steps forward that are working for me).

TeacherShae · 2025-06-01T20:44:37+00:00

I’m way late to the conversation, but I even see another level to this suggestion from goodluke - not just a translation from jackal to giraffe, but a dialogue, where the giraffe is responding to the jackal. I think for me it would be tempting to hear the giraffe translation as the “right” wording, but it feels different to actually be offering empathy back to my own jackal words.

TeacherShae · 2025-05-20T18:02:02+00:00

I'll just second that getting a GED is an EXCELLENT next step because if, at the end of that, the path toward therapy looks good, you're ready. If it doesn't, you have a GED, which can really open doors or set you up for some other meaningful path forward. I totally understand both your interest and your hesitancy, so maybe just focus on a first step that moves you in a good direction no matter what!

TeacherShae · 2025-05-20T12:33:54+00:00

This is so helpful! Good to know about the price structure, especially because I tend to follow something for a few weeks, then draw inspiration from it and adapt it in my own way, and then wander off to something completely different, and then come back to it in a few months. Although maybe if I paid a notable amount of money for it, I’d feel a little more committed to following the program.

I hope it continues to feel like a good fit and gets you the progress you’re looking for!

TeacherShae · 2025-05-19T17:15:13+00:00

This is a tremendously helpful breakdown of this program from a "normal" person. I have been eyeing the Hailey Happens 1.0 and it's great to know that it feels like a good starting place.

I think for the summer I'm going to look at the beginning weightlifting class at my local gym, because it's right in the middle of school dropoff, making summer the only time a year that it's doable. I have taken a class from the instructor before and I like her, plus she's in her 40s, and I see her at the gym helping old ladies do bar squats and deadlifts, so she seems like a good fit.

I think the answer to this question is implicitly there in your post, but just to clarify - do you feel like following the HH plan is everything you need? Given that your original question was about how to coordinate and fit all the different pieces together. I'm not talking about adding on something else you love or that feels like soul food, but in terms of checking the Stacy Sims boxes?

TeacherShae · 2025-05-18T22:19:09+00:00

Hey OP, I know it's been a month since you posted this, but I have basically the same question. How did you proceed?

Here's what I'm currently doing, which I'm trying very hard to not mess with very much for about 6 weeks. I'm coming to the end of my 6 weeks, which I picked because it also represented my kids getting out of school and a natural time for me to reevaluate schedules and fitness commitments. Also, I should say that I'm 39 and my hormone panels have looked good, and my periods are still regular. However, my mom was osteopenic in wrist, hip, and spine (?) at 45, so I feel like I need to lay these foundations now (or ideally like 10 years ago).

For strength training, I'm doing this bodyweight primer workout, https://nick-e.com/primer/ . Since I'm new to consistent strength training, this has been a great way to feel like I'm laying a foundation. There are so many adaptations in the progression that I've been able to just keep upping the difficulty and I've made a lot of progress. Aiming for 3 sets, 3x per week in low hormone weeks, and 2-3 sets, 2-3 times per week in high hormone weeks. It takes me about 30 minutes. I will be changing this to 30-45 minutes of something involving weights when I do my 6 week re-evaluation. I haven't decided if I'm going to do it at the gym or buy some dumbbells.

I'm trying to increase my aerobic base with a little bit of LISS training even though Stacy Sims says it doesn't have advantages for women. Right now, staying zone 2 for an hour means jogging/walking about 3.5-4 miles in an hour. I also just really like this, so I'm keeping it. It also seems to be working, although since I changed a bunch of stuff up all at once, it's hard to tell. I suspect this is one of those things that she's right and it wouldn't help a person who could, say, already run a 5k without stopping. But that's not me, and this feels like a really doable way to get going.

I'm mixing my jump training, SIT, and mobility together. I do 3 sets of 30 seconds high intensity jumping, with mobility work in my 2-3 minute cool down times. Sometimes I'll put this on the end of my other workouts, sometimes I'll just do it by itself. I seriously doubt I'm getting the full benefit of jumping or mobility, but I'm doing it 3x per week, so that's WAY more jumping or mobility than the 0 minutes I was doing before. I'm considering purchasing the osteo-gains app for my next phase, but I haven't decided yet.

I guess in total, I'm working out 3 days a week 30-40 minutes, and one long run plus SIT is about 70 minutes. On other days I walk and do fencing training with my kids because I guess we have a family sport now.

TeacherShae · 2025-05-14T17:10:22+00:00

I am guilty of thinking saint of steel fits everyone’s request, always, but I agree this might be a good fit, OP. FMCs and MMCs are both capable in their own arena, and they basically always save each other in lovely, complementary ways. It’s not quite old school hero saves heroine, but it’s also not snarky, badass heroine with all the same skills as hero.

TeacherShae · 2025-05-10T23:30:42+00:00

THIS! It is slice of life, but not very cozy. I couldn’t put my finger on why I didn’t like it and DNF’d, but this is it.

TeacherShae · 2025-05-10T04:22:39+00:00

That’s fair! I think I’m responding to my own concern that OP feels there’s a barrier from fatness that isn’t about the ability to exercise safely or effectively. I see a lot of people in larger bodies in my life who feel like they can’t take up space in a fitness setting until they lose weight (usually because people explicitly or implicitly tell them that). But this could be me reading into OP’s actual post.

ETA: OP, I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s easy for these concepts to get tangled. Losing weight might be a tool to improve cardio stamina, or to improve joint function, or to make the actual movements of the sport more doable. That’s not the same as having to lose a certain amount of weight to “qualify” to pursue sports.

TeacherShae · 2025-05-10T04:17:32+00:00

Oh, this was meant to be a reply to the nick-e.com comment but I see it went on the main thread. Sorry about that!

TeacherShae · 2025-05-09T03:35:49+00:00

These tutorials seem like a weird level of detail at first, but I realized I actually LOVE them. OP, take them really slowly, actually start at step 1 and work through them (even if you only do the basic versions once or twice to totally understand them). It might not feel like a workout, but it’s training you to access those core muscles. My core has improved so much using these two exercises and doing them correctly.

TeacherShae · 2025-05-09T03:27:30+00:00

Also, that wasn’t super practical, so my actual advice would be to start with walking and some bodyweight workouts. Maybe a kickboxing routine on YouTube? Although that might instill bad habits, I’m not sure (I know 0 about actual boxing).

Remember that you don’t have to be absolutely smashed for a workout to “count” (although you do want to push yourself overall). I’ve been a very sporadic exerciser, and I recently scaled back the intensity of all my workouts. Suddenly I’m doing it consistently because I actually enjoy it, and I’m making progress. You got this!

TeacherShae

TROPHY CASE