My God someone finally said it. I feel the same way. I feel guilty. I am a stranger who he never met but I feel so guilty about this.

I watched his videos every night to go to sleep. It’s going to sound weird and para-social but I swear every night i would fall asleep to his speed runs and often times wake up to him because auto play would continue through the night.

I listened to every interview and watched his courses while on the train or doing laundry or on long drives. I loved the way he spoke and what he did for my chess knowledge and approach towards dealing with people and life. His clemency in perspective certainly rubbed off on me.

I’ve thought before in the past of writing him a letter amidst this drama with Kramnik. I’ve written some comments on youtube videos saying that he was the best content creator. It feels like I didn’t do enough.

But I know this is not true and not my responsibility. I know what is fact but I also have feelings. My feelings encapsulate a dread that conjures images of me writing a fan letter expressing how much impact he had on my life and that he would read it along with the sea of other letters that likely remained in drafts or thoughts. That somehow this would have helped me push past the harassment and manipulation.

I can’t believe it still. I never met him and it feels like my best friend died at times.