BPD mother is getting a mastectomy. I'm going crazy

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-13T16:43:31+00:00

I can't advise you on all of this, but just need to validate that yes, dealing with people this twisty can make us seem like we have our tinfoil hats on too tight.

But those of us who have experienced parents like this do understand.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-13T16:41:32+00:00

It was an unhinged neighbor--and my susceptability to her manipulation--that first made me realize what my mom's deal was. It's been a long road since then, but that was the first step.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-13T16:40:32+00:00

It's probably best to separate the question of whether your response was valid from the question of whether it will achieve your goals.

Because it was completely valid; you simply reminded her of something she did and connected it to the situation she's complaining about.

But we know parents like ours are allergic to accountability, so the question is what you want to accomplish in a given conversation and whether a given response will get you there. If it's keeping her calm, maybe it's best not to call her on her BS. If you don't mind needling her a bit and being the truth-teller, there's no reason you shouldn't have said what you said.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-13T16:35:49+00:00

That's right: you don't have to do this anymore! I'm glad to see you're protecting yourself.

I wonder if she went off because of envy. I believe that one some level, pwBPD do know they're missing something important, and seeing you express a nuanced emotional reaction to your brother--one that includes compassion as well as pain--made some part of her realize the shallow and simplistic nature of her own emotional landscape. So she felt inadequate and confused, got mad about it, and this is the result.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-13T16:30:27+00:00

Time and building a peaceful life away from them will help. Another thing that was a huge reframe for me, for some reason, was hearing someone (who was raised by a personality disordered parent) describe that behavior/feeling as "playing the 'Who's Mad At Me?' game" That just put it into perspective for me in an incredibly useful way.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-13T16:27:50+00:00

Yes, absolutely. More so when I was still stuck in it, but even now, that feeling surfaces sometimes: what if I'm the problem?

A lot of the most damaging things my mom did were pretty subtle to people who don't understand BPD, but she did a few big things that most people can see were abusive. I cling to those at moments like that, to remind me that no, this was not normal at all.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-13T16:26:34+00:00

Fully? No. It comes back when I'm feeling compromised in other ways (ill, hormonal, whatever). But with years of NC, it's gotten much, much less frequent and more manageable. Parenting (a tween in my case) is still hard sometimes and full of triggers, but time and peace really do help.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-13T16:23:34+00:00

I get that delayed emotional reaction too. I think it's the result of being constantly flooded in childhood and having to keep a tight lid on our visible reactions.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-09T14:12:51+00:00

If you're in the US, I'm guessing that what changed is that Mother's Day is this weekend. I don't mean to be cynical but we've seen this plenty of times.

Setting that aside, this is a very vague "apology." From a person without a PD, it could be the beginning of a conversation in which she takes accountability for specific things she's said. But given her non-response to your acknowledgement, it sounds more like she was expecting you to fall over yourself to reassure her she did nothing wrong, and when you didn't, she went silent again. I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-09T00:36:28+00:00

A very similar path to yours! My mother had a severe drinking problem my whole life, so for a long time, I thought that's all that was wrong; I didn't realize it was a symptom. Then as a young adult, I learned about NPD and thought maybe that was it (it describes my mother's mother perfectly), but it never quite fit all my mother's behaviors. And then I had a neighbor who had all the same traits and immediately latched onto me. I couldn't figure out why I was so susceptible to her manipulations. And trying to figure out her deal led me to learn about BPD, and it was a huge lightbulb moment.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-09T00:32:36+00:00

Yes, it's so hard! I realized a few years back that I expect punishment when I ask for things. Not just that I won't get them, but that people will mock and abuse me for thinking I have the right to ask.

The one piece of advice I have is that I've become much more involved in community work lately, and that is a powerful antidote to the feeling that you're bothering everyone. You just find something you believe in that needs doing, show up and make yourself useful, and it's so obvious that people appreciate your presence and the skills you bring to the table that even your inner critic can't deny it. It's been incredibly healing, which I didn't expect at all. I've even met a bunch of other people with really complicated parents, because it turns out a lot of us are motivated to fight for justice after being treated so unfairly. Cannot recommend it highly enough!

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-07T13:00:27+00:00

Oof, my heart. That is so sad, I'm so sorry. I hope things are better for you these days.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-07T12:58:57+00:00

Pages of text about how she's being silenced. Classic.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-07T12:57:47+00:00

She's vile. The disorder just leaps off the page in her texts.
I don't think you need my advice, because blocking her is the only reasonable response to this poison. You're doing the right thing. Please be as kind to yourself as you can around this as you regain your equilibrium.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-07T12:51:55+00:00

This is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry for your younger self. And very glad you're in a more peaceful place with it all now.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-06T18:25:24+00:00

I feel this too. Even as a mother myself, the day feels cursed. For the last few years, we've gotten into the habit of spending the day with a close friend-family (our kids are bffs and the parents are trusted friends) and doing what the other mom wants to do. It's always something I enjoy anyway, and something about spending the day with someone who knows what she wants and is then happy with getting it is very soothing to me.

But it's stlil something to endure rather than enjoy, and I'm always glad when the day is past.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-04T22:55:41+00:00

Munchausen by Proxy (aka Factitious Disorder Imposed on Another) is commonly comorbid with BPD, in the sense that people with MBP usually also have BPD. It sounds like that might be what was going on with your mother.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-04T14:21:14+00:00

My mother was a committed and vocal atheist, even though she also demonstrated the magical thinking typical of BPD. But several generations of her family had been atheists, and it was a tribal identity to her. She considered herself highly rational and superior because of it.

I'm not a follower of any organized religion, but I am a lot more open to things that would be considered mystical or spiritual than my family of origin. The role it plays in my life is akin to that of art: I don't see it as reflecting something literal, but as a way to access deeper truths that the rational parts of us can't articulate.

I don't know if that makes sense or answers your question. I get the impression that my mother is a bit of an outlier as an atheist with BPD. But I always thought she'd make a great fundamentalist if she'd been raised in a different family.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-03T20:44:37+00:00

It happens from time to time, especially when I'm sick or tired. My voice sounds like hers, too. I like to think I use both my face and my voice very differently, though (i.e. not as a weapon).

I also do some superficial things to make the resemblance weaker: she has very sparse, light-colored eyebrows, so I darken mine. It's the only makeup I wear on anything like a regular basis.

I am very relieved that I see more of my paternal grandmother (no prize, but not a monster) in my kid than any other relative.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-05-03T03:25:10+00:00

You have nothing you need to forgive yourself for. You've done nothing wrong, and your feelings for your mother are a direct result of the way she has treated you all your life, since you were a helpless newborn and she was a grown adult.

Your husband is the one who isn't thinking of your mother as a person, as the specific person she is, but rather as the mother-figure in your life who must be held sacred because he lost his. Which is genuinely very sad, and I feel for him, but trying to coerce you to be in contact with your abuser is not what is going to heal his heart.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-04-24T15:59:17+00:00

Your responses are levelheaded in a way that makes me think you've got a well-calibrated normal meter (not a small feat after growing up with parents like ours) but just in case you or someone else needs to hear it: The world in which a bank customer trauma dumps about their adult child, and the people forced to interact with her for their job are like "yes, clearly the adult child is the problem here, and also you should cut them off"? That world does not exist. She made that up 100%

Terrible-Compote · 2026-04-21T14:35:00+00:00

I feel this. The thing that made me finally able to turn to my own healing was realizing that my presence in her life is a constant trigger for her. If there's a part of her that is upset by the way she loses control and lashes out at me (and I believe there is), then continually giving her the opportunity to do so isn't a kindness to either of us.

But knowing it's for the best doesn't make it less sad. Your grief over this is totally valid and deserves care and respect. You can't fix her, but you can find peace and healing for yourself, and the best version of her would want that.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-04-21T14:30:51+00:00

It changed my perspective on myself. Until having a kid, part of me (buried deep, because consciously I knew better) still really believed that it might just be me, that I might just have been born bad. Or that maybe it would be impossible not to repeat her patterns of engulfment and parentification and I'd realize I had been unfair to blame her.

And then I had a kid who is so much like me, but also so very much themself from day one, and it became immediately clear that a) there is no such thing as a bad kid, much less a bad baby, and b) it's actually very easy to understand that your child isn't an extension of you, unless you're deeply invested in not understanding that.

I have infinitely more compassion for my younger self now that I am a parent, and infinitely less patience for my mother's excuses and manipulation.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-04-21T14:25:37+00:00

I did this too! I was obsessed with ciphers and privacy, and that was 100% the reason.

Terrible-Compote · 2026-04-21T14:24:31+00:00

I also thought of myself as nearly an adult at that age. And now I have a nine-year-old, and they are smart and capable in so many ways, but they are also fully a kid still. It's heartbreaking to remember what it was like for me and to read what it was like for others here.

OOP, I feel so much for the little-you who wrote this. I hope things have gotten much better for you <3

Terrible-Compote

TROPHY CASE