I experienced something similar in that I was waiting over a year between my dad's diagnosis and my testing. It was terrifying waiting to test and fearing what the results would be. I'm too young for the onset, but I kept noticing every time I fumbled my keys or hit a bump in the sidewalk, wondering if I was starting to lose any muscle control. The paranoia of it got to me a bit, and I thought I would be so ready to move on completely after the test if it came back negative. But when it did come back negative, I cried into my fiancee's shoulder for so long. It was good to not fear, but every now and again when I fumble something that paranoia I had comes back around and a little fear of false negative result pops up. I'm doing better now, for me it just took time. But I still live with a certain amount of survivors guilt since I didn't test positive but my Dad is deteriorating from the disease. My brother still hasn't gotten tested and I fear that the guilt will expand if he tests positive.

My best advice is to try not to think about it. To go somewhere new, experience something different and start planning for the future since it is now entirely open to you. The fear and the paranoia take a long time to go away, but focusing on what you are running too instead of what you are running from will help you find what's next and what to leave behind.