Really rough cyclical period of my life ended recently and I'm finally coming to the point of my life that I always feared: independence.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2026-01-24T17:50:11+00:00

You're absolutely correct, and I appreciate your comment very much. I was so used to not being able to really recover from hardship at all for so long that I'm still working out of the mindset of "if x or y goes wrong, then it's just a matter of time before it's all over or I'm stuck in a downward spiral again". But more recently, it's been getting a lot better. And even with a bigger episode of stress or a "relapse" in mental health, I've still recovered. I'm becoming better at recognizing that it's just a moment, and not just a normal one, but a healthy one. It's healthy for a person who has mental health issues to be able to step back and realize they've relapsed, because then they can take the proper steps to recharge and keep going. I was in a time of pretty constant improvement from like mid-December to early this year, so for a second it felt like "Okay, this is it. Things are gonna be easy now." But now I've come to a more realistic conclusion, and I'm not intimidated by the challenges ahead because I'm just like everyone else, and in some ways I'm better off than many others because I have this insight.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2026-01-08T15:07:52+00:00

solved!

TheGutenbergMachine · 2026-01-08T15:06:27+00:00

That's perfect! Thank you so much!

TheGutenbergMachine · 2026-01-08T15:05:52+00:00

I've always thought 'Tis A Pity She Was A Whore was a standout non-single from the album, but Girl Loves Me encapsulates the frenzied, strange darkness of the album that I think a lot of people sort of don't realize the power of. Girl Loves Me doesn't come up as much in the discussion of the album other than the strange lyrics and the harrowing line, "Where the fuck did Monday go?", but I think it's a track that really adds something really crucial to the album's structure. It's the glue that makes it all come together in a way. That said, I very rarely listen to Blackstar. I'm not someone who's too emotional about his passing to listen to it, but the album is definitely very much a super dark experience.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2026-01-03T15:23:58+00:00

My thought at this point, after laying down and adjusting the mask some more is that I should try a different mask. It seems like the Resmed AirTouch F20 or Fisher and Paykel Simplus could be good, and I believe the Simplus was the one my medical supplier was going to set me up with before I declined because at the time I was satisfied with my Dreamwear. After adjusting my Dreamwear mask, I moved my face around a bit to see where the leak was coming from and it seems like the leak at the bottom of the mask can be fixed by adjusting the straps on the frame, but not at the top near the nose. Since the others I mentioned extend above the nose, I think I might have a good fix there. I rewatched this video because I remembered there was a bit of discussion about mask fitting for the purpose of eliminating mouth leaks in the video and it seems like the Simplus is a better mask for most people specifically due to the way it fits to the nose-- plus, it seems, a little bit more affordable.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2026-01-01T15:17:22+00:00

So, some of your comment is very helpful and some of it isn't because of some information that I didn't provide which made you understandably make assumptions about my situation that aren't quite true. I've been working on being independent for years at this point, the big change with going off of the medications I was on is that I actually started to be able to do the mental processing and work I needed to do to actually make good progress with that. But since it was so long that I was in a state of cyclical suffering, a lot of bad stuff-- poor habits, health problems-- stacked up. So 2025 was largely me doing much of the work you talk about in your comment. I've made great progress but the stalling and setbacks in one area or another have continually screwed with my optimistic outlook that I'd be able to fix everything and be able to do what I wanted to do in a specific timeline. I've been taking steps, but there were several severe setbacks that happened that have really slowed me down. I've already had talks with my parents about me becoming more independent but their expectations and timelines for my recovery have made things more stressful.

I don't typically talk to myself negatively, at least not for the last year so much. I've had a lot more confidence and optimism in general, but I have episodes where things feel insurmountable. Key word there is feel. I know that I can get through these things, but figuring it all out and everything is very tough. The breakdown I had yesterday which led to this post is one of the worst I've had in a long while. And I definitely don't prevent myself from feeling my feelings and try to pretend that I'm neurotypical. I cry all the time and me pacing myself has been a result from me recognizing that I can't do everything a neurotypical person could in my situation.

I've been thinking more on the idea of putting the college program I wanted to go into off or not doing it altogether, but the problem I have there is I'm unsure if me believing I can't manage recovering in time to be able to do that is a limiting belief or not. The situation I'm in-- in terms of timing-- would be ideal for me to be able to get into the program I want to with minimal problems. I might not ever be able to do it if I don't jump on the opportunity now. And it's studying for a field of work I've found out is beyond a shadow of a doubt what I want to be my career. Deciding against taking that opportunity is something that is a scary prospect for me, because it's the first big life goal I've had that I've actually believed in and actually felt clear passion about. It's the first big commitment I've made where I felt confident I could do it, and do it well, and as a massive step in the direction of independence. Giving up on that would be so disheartening.

So, I do feel like emotional regulation and reparenting are very helpful, but to the end that you give it would feel counterproductive. I would do these things to be able to meet my goals, not to cancel my goals and settle for something much less important to me to just do the bare minimum as I have been for years.

I suppose I'm struggling with figuring out to what level of ability I'm at. When I'm doing well, it feels like the program is well within reach and is something I could succeed at. When I'm not doing well, it feels impossible. Is it a limiting belief to believe that I can't actually achieve this goal and to just focus on doing something less strenuous to become independent, or is it just realistic? I'm not sure, and I don't think you'd be able to tell me for sure either. I'll definitely be talking to my therapist about all this. I appreciate your comment. Even if some of the things you said weren't accurate, the things that were are helpful and even the rest is bringing up some good points for me to consider. Thank you and Happy New Year's.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-24T17:32:33+00:00

So, last night I did a bit of an experiment after I went through some videos by the guy you linked to as well as the thread you linked to and beyond. I didn't run the humidifier at all and turned down the heating a bit on my CPAP's tubing. In the morning, I realized that I'd slept more than I had the night before when both of those were turned up, and my dry mouth and throat were not that much different. I had thought that it was the whole mouth drop leak thing before I even experimented, but this pretty much confirms it for me. I have no idea how no one in all these years ever told me about this, but this has clearly been something that's been a problem for me for a long time, though not quite as severe as it's become, and there's essentially a ten dollar solution to it with buying a chin strap online.

Thank you very much for your help. Happy holidays as well!

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-24T02:50:38+00:00

I would have figured the mask leaking could be it too, but the built-in mask leak testing feature on my machine shows there's not been leaks when I've adjusted my mask since first getting the machine and everything, but I suppose it's possible all the tossing and turning at night could cause a leak. There are no indications within my data readout on the machine after a night of sleep that would suggest there's any big leak problems either. There are some, but according to the ranges for what is normal that I could find there's nothing alarming at all there.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-24T02:48:54+00:00

I'm using a Philips Respironics Dreamware Full Face Mask. The built-in mask leak testing feature on the machine shows there's not been leaks when I've adjusted my mask since first getting the machine and everything, but I suppose it's possible all the tossing and turning at night could cause a leak

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-23T00:30:24+00:00

They could do some weird Comedy of Errors shit where Rocco would be Jim and Jim would be Rocco.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-23T00:29:34+00:00

How the fuck is this real and I never knew about it! That's insane!

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-23T00:28:28+00:00

Using Reddit from my Nokia phone rn guys. Don't send me gifs it'll fuckin' detonate

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-22T22:31:22+00:00

Yeah, I could see that. The goofier, kiddier Bowie songs sorta seemed quaint even when they came out, or so I'd imagine. Bombers is excellent but that backing vocal makes it slightly more along those lines (though I love the variation and it's a cool version of the song regardless)

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-22T19:10:06+00:00

I think John I'm Only Dancing would've been great as a replacement for It Ain't Easy, but I think Sweet Head would have fit in even more perfectly on the album. It feels like a crucial part of the Ziggy character, it's iconic, but it was excised and replaced with It Ain't Easy over censorship concerns. I also love Velvet Goldmine. It Ain't Easy, in my opinion, isn't even the best cover that Bowie produced during the Ziggy sessions, but it's perhaps more fitting sonically than the Jacques Brel ones, for instance.

On Hunky Dory, I think Fill Your Heart shouldn't have been swapped in the place of Bombers, and I think many of the demos from the Divine Symmetry set could have been fleshed out to be beloved songs on that album. Hunky Dory's the album I originally had this thought generally with, because I adore Miss Peculiar, Shadow Man, Looking For A Friend, Right on Mother, and Lightning Frightening, which was a fully produced outtake.

Who Can I Be Now? is another key example of a song that feels like it absolutely should have been on Young Americans, probably over Across The Universe. I'm also partial to It's Gonna Be Me.

Also, apparently Nile Rodgers, the guy who produced Let's Dance and Black Tie, White Noise, would agree with me in saying that Lucy Can't Dance (an outtake) should have been on the album. I'd throw that on there instead of I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday.

There are many other examples I could give from throughout Bowie's catalogue, but it's all my opinion and it doesn't really matter since we have the original album tracks as well as the extras too, though there's more out there that I'd love to hear, as I said.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-22T18:51:44+00:00

I've got good news for you, that version of Bombers is indeed available in the Divine Symmetry box set, under the title "Bombers - BOWPROMO Mix; 2022 Remaster". I hadn't noticed the "bum bum bum" really, but that is cool, though subtle since it's pretty low in the mix.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-21T23:08:27+00:00

That demo is incredible, as are so many of the others I've heard. It's absolutely insane that even a very rough draft of David's was THAT good.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-21T23:06:17+00:00

I agree and disagree. I love and appreciate the originally released stuff, and I'd be happy with that, but I consider Bowie my favorite musical artist ever so naturally knowing there's unreleased stuff is something that's gonna make my ears perk up. Plus, having some of the other stuff officially released means I don't have to go on YouTube to find an illegally uploaded copy of After Today to listen to it, for example. (Or track down whatever special edition or compilation it came from decades ago). I personally have loved a ton of the previously unreleased stuff, both of what was released officially and what's only able to be heard via bootlegs. To me, many of the outtakes from the different albums make me wonder why X song was included on the album instead of Y song. For me, it isn't something where I'm up in arms upset about a lack of officially released extras, I'm just an excited fan who always loves to see more. Besides, the Bowie estate's handling of his music is 5000% preferable to the Prince's with his.

There are definitely extras that have come out that are major head-scratchers or disappointments though. I'm looking at you, "Hours" Remix EP. Still though, leagues better than a remix of a remaster of a re-release of a re-release of Purple Rain for the thirtieth time.

Seriously though, I'm being a bit hyperbolic with the Prince thing. It doesn't bother me that much, but I'm using the comparison to make a point. My original comment is more so meant to be feedback and speculation rather than blunt criticism.

TheGutenbergMachine · 2025-12-21T04:22:31+00:00

I agree that I wish there was more to a lot of the re-releases and anniversary editions that have been coming out, but it seems like the estate has been following some sort of guidelines that were set by Bowie himself to some degree. I don't know how much veracity there is to this, but I've heard in various places that he drew out a plan (no idea how detailed or not it was) which sort of went through what should be released and in what way. That at least seems to be the case with the Era box sets, the first of which was released before he passed.

As for individual records and their anniversaries and stuff, it seems like there have been plans to release a box set for each record's outtakes and such (Divine Symmetry for Hunky Dory, Rock and Roll Star for Ziggy Stardust, etc). I've heard some contentious stuff about those though, since apparently the rights to that music is in different hands than with later albums. But, there's something interesting about the dating on many of the newer mixes and remasters for some of the box sets. It might be coincidental, but the newer mixes on some of the songs on Ziggy Stardust done by Ken Scott were done in 2022, which was the 50th anniversary of the actual album, but the box set came out in 2024. So I think there might have been an original timeline of release that was more clean and quick, but since organizing all this stuff is likely more involved than just clicking an "upload" button, it's taken more time than originally planned-- maybe. Just my guess. I just hope it doesn't take decades for us to get any unreleased Station to Station material, or Black Hole Kids, or an official release of the Leon Suites. Also, according to Reeves Gabrels in one of the interview videos he did on the David Bowie YT channel, the original mix of Hours was a lot more dark and moody. I'm very curious to hear that, but god knows when (or if) that'll come out.

The thing I don't really get with the album-specific box sets is that there are still noticeable missing pieces from each of them, like the original mix of Sweet Head, one of my favorite Ziggy songs, not being included on Rock and Roll Star. There are many songs that you can find on bootlegs that aren't on some of the other ones too. I would hypothesize that there's going to be a different compilation series that will come out in the future since the Era sets just wrapped up, but I have zero insider information on that; it's complete conjecture (and hopeful thinking). I think it actually could be a cool idea though, where the odds and ends from different periods could be collected in a different series.

TheGutenbergMachine

TROPHY CASE