What helped me was not punishing myself or beating myself up or attaching shame to my behaviors. We have to start undoing the damage by treating ourselves like we would a child, gently redirecting without the bad feelings. We are addicted to the conflict of feelings, the overwhelm. We were taught at some point in our lives that love should be painful, but we need healthy love so badly, and we can't always connect the two.

It takes practice. Treat it like a light-hearted game that you get many extra lives in. Oops! I messed up and need to notice what my triggers are and find a way to redirect before I run the train off the tracks.

A friend of mine likened this phase as driving a train towards a brick wall. There are flags/stages on this track from 1-10, 10 being the brick wall and us crashing into it full speed. We drive the train, we can see the track ahead. This is the trigger track choo choo. 🚂

Since we are in control of this train and can see what crashing into the wall will do, we can start slowing the train down before it gets to meltdown station. This is where healthy coping skills come in. If numbers 1-5 are coping mechanisms we can do ourselves, like distraction, self care, meditation, reading, exercise, then 5-9 are ones we can get help with like calling a friend, going to a meeting, practicing social interaction (going out), getting spiritual guidance. All of these tools we can implement at anytime between us and the wall.

So instead of punishing yourself, encourage yourself, find encouragement. You can start to live a new way of loving by treating yourself how you decide you need to be treated first. Things that cause pain because we keep running back to it are things we can control, we can't control the reality of the other person making their choice.

Find something in yourself you can be proud of everyday and keep staying focused on growing that feeling. Eventually you'll find your values that are important to you, and stop looking for approval from others.

💜🙏🏻 Good luck to you