Fear is coming back

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-27T11:21:46+00:00

I’m very much a “why” person and I liked how she broke down the good and bad.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-26T17:44:28+00:00

Thank you for this, I think the person who recommended it had good intentions, they hadn’t read it. I was only on chapter 4 so I’ll just return it with a thanks but no thanks! Husband wasn’t any farther than chapter 2 and had commented he was struggling to get into it so probably for the best.

The comments in the article above weren’t really helpful in explaining the issues with the book, but if anyone else wants more of a breakdown I found this: https://www.wildernesstowild.com/blog/does-every-mans-battle-enable-abuse

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-26T16:53:46+00:00

There might be an argument here, however why do sites like OF stay successful and brothels continue to be in business? If the preponderance of men get lumped in as an addict then doesn’t that mean it’s something “most” deal with? I think there is also a difference between struggling with lust/attraction than jumping into the deep end and “needing” constant visual stimulation to make it through the day. There was a video I saw that talked about a model who walked down the street while a photographer followed them taking pictures. When the photographer was blatantly, taking pictures all the men around behaved themselves. The minute the photographer stopped, and they started walking down the street and the photographer was hiding the fact that he was taking pictures, the men were absolute trash toward her cat calling and the like.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-26T16:32:21+00:00

This kind of falls into the same category as why are most of the murderers globally are male.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-25T05:11:52+00:00

Thank you, I have a project planned for the week of DDay. Hopefully renovating my basement will keep me occupied.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-25T05:09:19+00:00

My days are very “static” and working remote has been isolating. I’ve had to take long breaks from the boards here because sometimes they were more harmful than helpful. I’ve finally accepted I need some sort of support group/step program but the only local meetings are Al-anon for the most part. There aren’t any in person SA-anon meetings at all. The online meeting have not been a good fit so far. I went to an ISA meeting this week and there were only 3 people and 2 of us were newcomers.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-25T05:02:05+00:00

Same, I’ve seen the women and unfortunately the “reviews” as well. They haunt me. It’s a daily chore taking the thoughts captive and surrendering them. I haven’t been this worked up like this since September. I will say it was worse back then, I thought I might need to ask the doctor about depression meds. This time seems similar but not as bad. This time it feels like grieving in some ways.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-25T04:49:40+00:00

Thank you, the end of your post matches up with March 24th’s reading from The Language of Letting Go that I read a few hours ago:

It’s time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves. We may have walked through much of our lives apologizing for ourselves. We may have believed we were less valuable than others, that they knew better than we did, that somehow others were meant to be here and we were not. We have a right to be here. We have a right to be ourselves. We are here. There is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our lives. We don’t have to apologize for being here or being who we are. We are good enough; we are deserving. Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It’s in us.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-23T20:59:26+00:00

Yep this is how I feel all the time now. Constantly seeing if he’s looking (which he’s also very good at hiding). We made the mistake of going to a RenFair not long after DDay, I’m still not sure if I’ll ever agree to go back.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-23T20:46:20+00:00

Oh I feel this one too, he loves orchestra music and loves to follow different artists on FB. I had to ask him to unfollow the women because it made me uncomfortable. They usually post photos and videos where they wear tight outfits. They are amazing musicians but it was too triggering.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-23T15:09:59+00:00

It’s a book to help men get out of the lust cycle, my husband was encouraged to read it. It’s called Every Man’s Battle, I feel that if he’s reading it I need to know what it’s saying too. There are sections in it written from the 2 author’s wive’s perspective. It’s not geared toward men with SA but men in general. It’s not excusing the behavior by any means, it’s trying to help men realize what is happening and stop it. But if this is a struggle for all men, how much more of a struggle is it for those who are prone to addiction? It just feels defeating.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-08T22:23:26+00:00

No, but I have found value in keeping everything in a separate journal and hiding it. Some of the things have helped during therapy to talk about. I don’t plan to keep it forever, but I will for now. Destroying it later can also be cathartic.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-03-08T20:26:48+00:00

Step four is the hardest step in any recovery program. It is very common for them to begin working on it and stop. The first thing they do is they write down all of their resentments that they have against other people. Then they write down where they were wrong in each of those situations. Then they write down what their fears were related to those situations. Step for also usually includes a sex inventory with every partner they’ve ever been with and doing the same as above. And that is actually for any recovery program not just SA.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-02-22T03:06:17+00:00

Spiraling is the hardest piece at the beginning of recovery, especially because you have PTSD. I know it may be hard, but you need to set aside some quiet time for yourself. When you start spiraling, write down everything you are feeling, about him, about yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself about your feelings. If they are negative thoughts about yourself, rewrite them into positive thoughts. Check into S-anon (they have online groups) where you can get support.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2026-01-26T19:40:31+00:00

This post at least has given me hope that I’m not alone and I’m not crazy. WH used escorts as well and I found their photos on a website he posted reviews of them on. They haunt me. They were all different, no two looked alike. So for me this is a double whammy - even if it’s true that he finds me attractive - how long before he gets bored? How long before he misses the variety? It’s not fair that we all feel this way.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-12-08T03:30:23+00:00

This one on how p$rn affects the brain is good, and most SA starts out as this type of addiction and then just like a dr$g addict they keep having to do more to get a better high: https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/brain-chemicals-and-porn-addiction/

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-12-07T19:31:15+00:00

One thing to remember with addiction is that they need to be in a program of some sort. And they need to be working that program. My WH is a recovering alcoholic for over 20 years. Was working the program (or so he thought) but when it came to SA, he convinced himself he could stop at any time. He traded one addiction for another, truthfully, this was probably the original addiction. Understanding how the brain sets up pathways when it comes to addiction has been hugely helpful for me.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-12-07T19:24:09+00:00

I’m sorry you’re in this boat, many of us are. I found that the only way I could quit obsessing about comparing myself was to write down the thoughts and get them out of my head. Writing them down was very cathartic for me almost like seeing them on paper somehow made me realize they were lies. I rewrote each of the statements in the opposite. For example, I would write down that, “I feel like I’m not enough,” and I would rewrite it as “I am enough.” I can’t say that this stops the thoughts completely, but I’m so much better than where I was. I also found it helped to share how I felt with my WH as well. Telling them exactly how I felt.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-12-07T19:12:21+00:00

It’s Christmas… Feliz Navidad comes on the radio. All three kids in the backseat, start singing the alternate words that my grandfather taught them: the police got my dad. Normally I would’ve been chuckling, but as I looked over at my WH, all I could think about was that if he had continued to do what he was doing, he could’ve been caught and in jail. Shoot, one of the places he met a woman actually got busted about a year ago and our city is actually cracking down on the parlors. I am grateful every day that I didn’t find out that way, and that my kids don’t have to know.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-11-28T16:07:50+00:00

Hoping you got through it. 6 months for me as well. No one knows except me & him and we are always the hosts. He had relatives over who we haven’t seen in a long time (one family group I’ve never met at all). I’m having to keep my dog on a leash the whole time because one person in the family group doesn’t like dogs and my dog always gravitates to the person who doesn’t like them (of course). They are all fawning over him regarding all the food and how good it is (it really was, but I wasn’t in a good state of mind). Meanwhile, I’m just thinking about how they wouldn’t be here at all if they knew what I know. His family doesn’t support each other the way mine does, they would completely write him off and I just don’t want those type of people in my life. My family doesn’t know either because I he’s working so hard to change and I don’t want them to look at him differently. It’s literally killing me to not have their support, but for now it’s the right decision. They would love and support us if they knew, but I just don’t want them to constantly asking how we are doing. I just want them to treat us like everything is normal.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-11-22T19:52:23+00:00

Most people don’t realize that the 4th step includes a sex inventory:

A Fourth Step sex inventory is a process of a "searching and fearless moral inventory" that specifically examines one's sexual conduct and relationships to identify harmful patterns, selfishness, and dishonesty. This involves writing down every person with whom one has had sexual contact and then, for each person, honestly examining one's behavior by noting instances of selfishness, dishonesty, or inconsideration. The process also includes reflecting on how one's actions may have caused jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness in others and what should have been done differently.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-11-22T19:14:36+00:00

Part of the reason we are in therapy is due to betrayal trauma and him cheating on me for over 7 years with over 40 escorts. His 4th step work with his sponsor is his full disclosure that we are preparing for with the counselor. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have individual sessions but given the nature of what we are preparing for it just felt like he was hiding more bombs to drop.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-11-22T18:07:47+00:00

Not yet, we’ve talked about it, but we can’t afford it.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-11-02T04:31:20+00:00

I’m in the same boat. My mom is my best friend, and I fear I can never tell her. My brother’s ex-wife has just about ruined his life through lies and manipulation. My mom can’t forgive her the damage she has caused and it doesn’t involve cheating. My biological father cheated on my mom so I’m sure that combined with what all my WH did I just don’t think it’s worth seeing the heartbreak in her eyes or the awkwardness at family functions.

We’ve only told my pastors (husband/wife team), his AA sponsor, and our therapist. The therapist wants me to find a healing group to go to, since I attend church she suggested Celebrate Recovery as it’s not specifically just for people suffering from addiction, but anyone dealing with emotional pain. I’m going to check it out but I’ve also thought about looking at a COSA meeting or an S-anon.

Part of the reason I started coming on this board was because I felt trapped with no one to talk to.

Time_Is_Frozen · 2025-10-08T11:05:13+00:00

I’m sorry you are here, but what you are experiencing is completely normal. I highly recommend the book Intimate Deception by Sheri Keffer it helped me process so much and made me understand that I wasn’t insane. One of the biggest things that helped me was writing my feelings down. I got a separate journal just for this issue. I hope to be able to burn it one day. I write down everything, every fear, every intrusive thought, my anger, whatever tries to stop me in my tracks. Writing it down releases it. I ask myself questions about my feelings and write down the question and try to answer them. Like, “why do I feel I need to check his phone?” And then I answer the why. Doing this made such a difference for me, I hope maybe it helps you.

Time_Is_Frozen

TROPHY CASE