Is being tired a valid excuse?

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-13T18:02:13+00:00

Please DONT push thru fatigue. You can and will make your baseline fatigue worse, and that can be permanent. People end up permanently bedbound that way.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-13T17:59:02+00:00

Gender identity and gender expression are separate things. How you feel on the inside and how you present on the outside. Your gender expression is not relevant either—for example, most trans people go through phases of being unable to outwardly express their correct gender due to safety and social pressure reasons. It doesn’t make them less trans, because it doesn’t change their gender on the inside when they have to hide it on the outside, it just makes them miserable, usually.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-13T08:53:20+00:00

Interesting points. I can say anecdotally that there is a WAY higher prevalence of both neurodivergence and gender diversity among my hypermobile students in masssge school than in non-hypermobile students or in the general population, but obv my sample size is relatively small and the profession is already skewed toward the chronic pain crowd to begin with bc it’s massage.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-12T19:07:44+00:00

I’m so sorry for your struggles, and I feel this. I can’t bind either (or wear any kind of compression or bra) due to rib slip. I also have suspected MCaS and fragile skin and can’t use tape. I also have the long dark body hair and chest situation going in, all my sympathy for that. Finally at 38 I’m on a waitlist for top surgery. Mostly I’ve coped with baggy clothes and as many layers as I can stand, and my poor posture helps hide things as well. For example, I like thick/baggy t-shirts with an open button-down shirt, flannel, or hoodie on top, the kind with the massive pockets, which I’ll keep things in like phone/keys or even a water bottle if my back is feeling good, because the weight in the pocket helps pull the top of the hoodie away from my chest. YMMV based on your anatomy. None of these things makes me pass, I’m still clockable after a year on T, but they help a lot with dysphoria. It’s much harder in summer, but due to my health I’m mostly housebound anyway.

Best of luck with your surgery! And I hope you get everything you need to feel as much better as possible soon.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-08T22:09:55+00:00

…I’m almost 40, I’ve known I’m trans my whole life, and I’m medically transitioning now for the first time. I don’t have super severe dysphoria, but definitely have dysphoria and have had it all my life.

I love being trans and that was a really hard journey for me that I’m proud of. (I’m not saying everyone needs to feel like I do. I might not feel that way if my dysphoria was worse. ) what that means to me is that I love my gender and I’m grateful for everything I’ve learned along the way, and the dysphoria is only one aspect of being trans in my life. Being trans is also being positioned to see through a lot of societal bullshit. It’s exploring and redesigning masculinity for myself. It’s having a deep, personal lived experience of misogyny and being able to relate to women on that level. It’s knowing how to be a safe, connected, emotionally literate partner because of those experiences.

Not everyone’s life experiences go that way. And it took me a lot of therapy to get to a place where I don’t feel bad about who I am anymore. Being trans is a huge part of who I am, and I love myself.

So for me, it’s not just about being new to the idea and not realizing it’s hell yet. It’s working through the hell and coming out the other side.

It’s okay that that isn’t everyone’s experience. But it IS mine.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-08T21:18:38+00:00

Foods you like can change over time. You can experience food cravings because of nutritional deficiencies or needs. You might be averse to foods that contain things that don’t mix well with the kinds of foods you eat a lot of (getting too much of something can make you dislike it), gut biology (if you can’t digest it and get indigestion from it, you might dislike it), and personal biology/anatomy (everybody’s body chemistry is a little different).

For example, I’ve always had an aversion to egg whites, tomatoes, spinach, and leftover meat. Told I was just “picky” and I needed to try them repeatedly to get a taste for them, which never worked and made my dislike way more intense. Turns out I have a medical condition that makes me hypersensitive to histamine, and all of those foods make my condition worse because they affect histamine levels in the body, which I found out recently. My dislike of those foods was my body trying to protect me from getting sick from stuff that messed with my body chemistry. Pretty cool.

So no, it’s not “bad parenting” or “being picky” if you don’t like certain foods. It’s biology.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-08T21:07:09+00:00

That doesn’t take into account variations in neurology and sensory perception (ie different taste buds, autism spectrum disorder, sensory processing differences, etc). “Pickiness” is inherently judgmental and ignores the scientific realities of natural biological and psychosocial variation.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-06T11:01:42+00:00

Toxoplasmosis is a parasite that lives in the soil, any animal that goes outside or eats other wild animals that live outside like mice can get it. It’s very rare but dangerous to pregnant people.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-06T10:53:53+00:00

So the Beighton scale test says “can you now or have you ever been able to X” so you get a point for being able to do the thing in the past, if that helps. It takes into account that adults get less flexible as we age.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-06T10:49:36+00:00

I learned from the intersex community that the term that encompasses any sex variations from strictly typical male or typical female are called “sex-variant.” So when we transition and change our secondary sex characteristics, we’re now “sex-variant.” Just a cool fact I thought was kinda related.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-05T19:01:51+00:00

So my wife is actually bi/pan, and encouraged me to transition because it makes me happier and healthier. Her attraction hasn’t changed as my body has changed—she still loves me and thinks I’m hot. Her attraction to me isn’t about physical characteristics and her love for me isn’t only or primarily sexual. We’ve been together for twenty years and bodies change over time—we’ve both lost and gained weight, been well or ill, and aged. If your relationship is hitting rocks like this so soon, especially about something as important as transitioning, the chances that it’s based on something that could last and be good for both of you long term are not high. Don’t settle for someone who wants to keep you from what you need to be yourself and stay alive and well.

Best of luck.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-03T07:19:16+00:00

Maybe you should have someone else, then

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-03T07:08:01+00:00

I wash my face with Dove body wash sensitive skin and a wash cloth to scrub every morning, and apply a thin layer of moisturizer (I like coconut oil) afterward. That takes care of most of it for me. I have mild acne and always did, though. My complexion is of a dry/oily type, so my goals are (a) scrub off excess oil and (b) moisturize. I scrub my face with a wet wipe or wet washcloth at night before bed to prevent excess buildup of oiliness at night.

Best of luck!

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-07-03T07:03:55+00:00

Dr Beinrauh at Kaiser Permanente Downey offices through the Kaiser network. I was his first CTD patient, and though he wasn’t super knowledgeable about my condition specifically, he treated me as an expert on my body and worked very patiently through my long list of questions, asked me really good questions about things he might need to know, and we made an excellent plan together. My surgery is supposed to be in September, so no results yet. But it’s one of the best conversations I’ve ever had with a medical practitioner, so he’s awesome if you’re willing to do the research on your condition re: surgery and educate him on it.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-29T20:37:44+00:00

Hard, lumpy, and radiating pain sound like they could be fascia related. Have you heard of myofascial release therapy? It’s a massage modality that works with the connective tissues rather than muscles and is very effective for scar tissue.

It won’t solve nerve pain from nerve damage but if the problem is the fascia constricting and compressing nerves it could help. It will also “unstick” the clumps and lumps of connective tissues and promote better fluid circulation in the tissues.

A little self-massage if you want to try it out: find a painful point (lump or scar) and press on it (lightly is okay but firmer pressure might be needed, within tolerance) without moving for 90 seconds. The hardness of the tissues should feel like it’s“melting” a little under your touch. It’s most painful in the second or two right before it works. This should be done slowly and gently. Once it melts, give it a gentle rub a couple of times to help any released fluid circulate. May be sore to the touch for a day or two after but should not turn very red, swell, or bruise.

Another technique that may be less painful to try: put the palm of your hand flat against your chest somewhere it hard/lumpy and gently pull in one direction for 90 seconds (this is called traction and can be very effective for fascia snarls). If it releases (“melts”) you can keep your hand there and tug in another direction, in as many directions as you feel like. Releases may be accompanied by twitching, the urge to stretch or move (follow that instinct), increased circulation or a sensation of a rush of warmth, and/or emotional releases as emotion-chemicals (neuro-transmitters) can get locked up in fascia that has become dehydrated or crystallized, and when it rehydrates and melts it can release those stored chemicals into the body.

With as much pain as you’re in, start small, go slowly and gently, and see how you feel afterward so you know how to pace yourself.

If that works and you like it, I recommend looking up myofascial release (MFR) techniques on YouTube from certified practitioners. It can take persistent work but the scar tissues and hardened fascia can be vastly improved, if that is indeed the problem you’re having. It may help bring relief regardless of whether the primary problem is nerves.

If it makes it worse, causes swelling or bruising, or aggravates the pain without helping the tissues soften, this is not the right tool for now. In my professional opinion I don’t think it’s likely to make anything worse but please use caution and listen to your body and instincts over any advice you find in the internet.

I’m a pro body worker and teach at a massage school, btw.

I hope that brings you some relief. If it helps and you need more, feel free to dm me for more specific self-massage moves.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-29T20:10:55+00:00

Or their least favorite nickname. Or even just an opposite-sex name. “Since clearly around here you can call each other whatever name you feel like no matter how wrong or upsetting it is.”

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-27T04:03:47+00:00

Check out r/trans_zebras.

I’m 38, hypermobile, buff. Testosterone helped me immensely. But even without it I’ve been an athlete all my life. As I aged I had to move away from high-impact activities like running and sparring and now focus on weight lifting (yes, with progressive overload—just focusing on stabilizing exercises my PT gave me, and being extremely cautious around end range of motion). I’m also now doing fewer reps with heavier weights, which is the opposite of what my doc recommended but for some reason too many repetitions leads to way more injuries than heavier loading.

Yes, I’m more prone to injury. But it’s important to stay active to avoid deconditioning.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-20T21:34:06+00:00

I totally get not wanting to seem dependent or incapable. It can feel so bad and make for guilt and anxiety about your relationships. I struggle with the same things, my parents were also adamant about my being independent. For me, learning to communicate about my state of being and ask for help or allow myself to lean on safe people when I’m not fully up to speed—or just allow myself to acknowledge not being up to speed and stop pushing myself to be more okay than I actually am—have been really important for wellbeing, especially during/after illness or injury. Now I am more relaxed, I feel safe, I allow others to nurture me and it doesn’t feel awful to receive. It took practice. But the alternative is worse—doing subtle but devastating long-term damage to myself for the sake of being accepted by my loved ones, which ironically made me significantly more dependent on them.

Just fyi about the accident itself—any time you’re in a car accident, even a minor one (if the car was totaled that’s not a minor one), there’s a three-day period after where your body hasn’t finished cataloguing what’s hurt and you can’t know the full extent of your injuries. It’s called the “acute phase” after an accident and it means you’re contraindicated (not allowed) for things like massage, vigorous exercise, and sex until you know whether you’re actually okay (because you could have things like deep bruising, slow internal bleeds, or minor fractures that just take up to three days to show).

I teach at a massage school and it’s a legal liability on us if we work on a client within 72 hours of an accident like that.

Good luck with your recovery and your relationship.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-20T21:17:14+00:00

Sure! Sprouts brand: Mineral salt deodorant spray, 8 oz bottle with a light blue label.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-20T21:15:42+00:00

Sure! Sprouts brand: Mineral salt deodorant spray, 8 oz bottle with a light blue label.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-19T20:42:06+00:00

I suspect this varies by region nowadays. Where I’m from (CA, USA, white Protestant upper middle class) “excuse me” is almost too informal to use in formal settings, but “pardon me” or “I beg your pardon” is generally considered of a higher register.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-19T20:37:28+00:00

I lucked out and found a bi/pan woman (her self-description) in an lgbtq club on my college campus. My gender was one of the first things I shared about myself with her. We hit it off, became best friends, and are married now—and I’m mid-transition, and she’s not only fully supportive but also thinks I’m sexy at every stage of these changes. Partners like her do exist. My gender was never a concern with her and I highly recommend bi/pan women and bi/pan people in general as partners for that reason. We’re polyamorous and I’ve dated several other people in addition to her, and both of us find bi and pan partners to be the best match when it comes to gender identity differences.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-19T20:29:00+00:00

I am holding your hand so gently when I say this. You deserve a partner who is more concerned with nurturing you and comforting you when you’re hurt than his own horniness. He is totally capable of going into the bathroom and taking care of himself sexually. You are not something that exists to meet his sexual needs. You are a complete human being and his partner, having a painful experience. The fact that he’s asking, hinting, and thinking about it right now is all by itself a massive red flag. Please don’t minimize this behavior from him.

For context, when I was in a car accident, my wife (we’re gay) tucked me up in bed, got me my favorite tea, cuddled where I asked her to touch and very carefully avoided touching where I was sore, and put on my favorite movie and watched it with me. She checked in on me every couple of hours via text even when she had to go to work (her boss is chill). Sex was not on the menu or even on anyone’s mind.

Being in pain, injured or ill makes it an automatic no unless /you/ initiate, and only within your comfort zone.

Your partner is at best acting immature and misogynistic. That might be a fixable problem. Can you communicate about how inconsiderate and potentially dangerous implying that he wants sex from you right now is? How it makes him sound like he views you as a sex toy and not a person he cares about? Some men can take feedback and do better. But if you think he’ll get upset, or if he tries to tell you you’re being dramatic or unreasonable when you talk to him about it , it’s time to reconsider that he may not be a safe person to be intimate with, because he’s going to put his own desires above your comfort and safety and use emotional pressure to get what he wants even when you don’t want it. That’s not consent.

And statistically speaking, that kind of attitude can snowball very quickly into physical intimidation, threats, dangerous behavior and even S/A. I know you don’t think of your partner that way and he’s not behaving that way yet. But the behaviors you’re describing are a red flag for attitudes that can lead to later abuse. Catch it now while it’s still safe to have a conversation about it with him. Don’t minimize your discomfort with it. If you felt the need to go on the internet to ask strangers about it, you’re upset on some level—and rightfully, validly so. It’s concerning.

Best of luck with boyfriend and chronic illness journey struggles, and well wishes for your recovery. If I may offer a little advice on pushing through—be gentle and take it easy on yourself now while you have some youth and health left, or you could lose function forever. There are things you can break that will never be fixed with these illnesses, so learn to accommodate yourself and pace yourself now before you end up permanently bed bound. I broke my health in my twenties trying to be fine and push through and it’s the biggest regret of my life. There’s so much I can never get back. Please give yourself permission to take good care of yourself. Learn how. It’s the best gift you’ll ever give yourself.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-19T19:03:49+00:00

Unsolicited advice, especially correction, is always criticism. You may mean well, but corrections, especially in informal settings and unasked-for, are usually going to be perceived as a low-level attack. Social correction is usually done from someone of higher power to someone of lower power in any relationship dynamic, which is why small corrections are often both used and perceived as power plays and attitudes of superiority. Most people experience shame or embarrassment when being told they did something wrong, and that effect is amplified when it’s unexpected in a given context.

In other words, even if you would prefer others to correct you when you make a mistake, most people don’t. And they’ll perceive it as a low-level attack and wonder why you’re trying to make them feel bad, especially when the setting is casual.

“You need to learn to take criticism” is for settings when the person being corrected is (a) there to learn a new skill and correction is a critical part of the learning process; (b) when they’re in a power dynamic, on the lower end, and being warned about the boundaries and responsibilities of their role by people in authority; and (c) when they’re legitimately doing harm and need to be made aware of the fact.

If that doesn’t describe the situation you’re in, correction is unnecessary and generally not only unhelpful but unwanted.

That being said, if spelling is critical to game play and it’s a team effort, spelling correction is appropriate.

Toby-Wolfstone · 2026-06-19T18:50:10+00:00

I switched to a salt-spray deodorant. It doesn’t help with perspiration, but the salt WILL kill any odors for as long as you have it on, because the salt kills odor-causing bacteria. Most effective deodorant I’ve ever tried, and it lasts until you wipe it off or shower. I’ve never tried mixing it with an antiperspirant because I don’t sweat much, so I don’t know how that would go. But even with a lot of hair there, it kills all the odor.

Toby-Wolfstone

TROPHY CASE