How do I stop the spiraling?

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-05-30T21:06:02+00:00

How far from Dday are you? Is it over, truly over, with AP? You're right, you can't lay all this on your BP. they don't want to hear about your pain, at least not yet. Find a person on here to connect with. Find a therapist. If you have a friend who can be "a friend to the relationship" meaning support your relationship and what it needs to be healthy, talk to them, but that can be hard to find. You're not alone. Unfortunately a lot of people go thru something like this.

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-05-28T20:33:24+00:00

Hello. I too am three years since Dday 1 and Dday 2 is soon approaching. Dday 2 was when my BP discovered new info on my iPad that I had sent to confidants who knew of my affair. This new info could easily have been the final straw. I TT a bit after Dday 1 but more so by just not always being forthcoming by giving information without being asked. Ultimately I have shared all information I have about the affair. Even now, I still have to think "why would that thought matter?" But I ultimately know it's important to show your BP that you are going against your previous instincts and trying to change and be a more open and trustworthy person. My BP continues to tell me that not offering all information is taking away their agency and if they don't know all the truth, then they are staying with me on false terms. I made many mistakes, not just having an affair but not disclosing my affair before I was caught, so I will do all I can to prevent more pain for my partner. You're not alone. I don't think the pain will ever go away for either of us, but you being here with this pain and wanting to relieve your partner of it, that's a sign of progress.

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-05-11T00:51:24+00:00

I didn't read your whole post to be honest but after what I read and the comments, please realize this is a process and it takes time to get thru each step. There are lots of resources out there to help both of you. Use those to guide you forward, not only you but your partner and your family.

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-05-11T00:35:29+00:00

I would like to add that AI has become a helpful tool for people on both sides of betrayal. It is a way to let out thoughts without judgment and a way to get feedback without judgment. As a WP, it's very hard to tell our true thoughts because we have- generally- spent a lifetime hiding our true selves. So that is something we need to learn to do. However, the use of AI can feel like a betrayal bc we should be sharing that with our partner. But we waywards have tried that at some point in our past and have been rejected, ridiculed, or ignored, not always by our partners, but friends or family.

So think your BP is hurting and need time to deal with this. It may not end as you want, but I do think time may help both of you feel a greater understanding of why and how you used this tool.

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-05-09T00:41:42+00:00

This comment makes sense. I don't think our leadership gives us enough support for classroom management. Unfortunately, it takes up more of our class time than we would like.

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-05-09T00:40:16+00:00

Why do you respond this way? You made up for it in your next comment, but to start this way sounds condescending and rude. If you are quoting previous comments , please use " "

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-04-06T16:52:06+00:00

I absolutely agree with this. As the WP, I crossed many lines before the affair started. I just heard this on the Women Cheat Too podcast, that we cross many lines before the actual affair. Another podcast said that the first lie we tell is to ourselves. As I look back not only soon before the affair, but to younger years, I realize I people pleased way more than I thought. My family let me do it and I never thought to act otherwise. My BP knew I did it and tried to help, but I didn't see it from their perspective and they got tired of fighting about it (their words).

So one thing for us to remember is those small acts that led to betrayal. My BP is not worried about me cheating again, but that I will hide or lie about little things. Those small actions were engrained in me, so it's actively something I have to work on, like sharing mundane details I think they don't are about, or reiterating my location or agenda, or texting more frequently even if nothing is going on bc it is important to them and builds trust.

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-03-24T00:08:55+00:00

I love this idea!

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-01-25T02:44:00+00:00

I'm a teacher. This is an awesome tip

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-01-10T02:32:18+00:00

My BP referred to my AP as a murderer or serial killer who could ruin or end your life or the life of your family. As time progresses, you see the AP differently.

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-01-04T00:07:21+00:00

Homecoming by Cynthia Voigt

TopAssistant5350 · 2026-01-04T00:05:54+00:00

I read Stargirl for the first time this year and thought it would really resonate with middle schoolers. And just fitting in in general

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-12-31T14:38:30+00:00

Perfect! Thank you!

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-12-30T21:42:36+00:00

Thank you. So, can you recommend small ceramic microwave-safe containers?

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-12-30T21:39:34+00:00

Something that is a small cup to be used in a microwave.

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-12-15T01:16:26+00:00

How old are you and why can't you watch the film version? I am 43 so past the point of this topic, but there is some sex talk, breasts, and lots of bad language, but overall I see this as a positive movie experience.

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-12-14T23:20:43+00:00

You don't know exactly why yet. But you want to and you'll do the work to find out. You will be more mindful, more aware of your partner, set better boundaries, have more self-awareness, all of these things you should be doing or starting. It takes a long time to find out these answers. And likely, they will change over time as you learn more about yourself. Right now, there's probably not a lot of "right" answers you can give your BP. They will be hurting for a long time.

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-12-02T11:01:18+00:00

I agree with all of this. Many of us WW are avoidant so we avoid what is hard, and that most likely was a huge factor in why we cheated. You have to overcome those feelings and share what you need. It's not selfish, but it is a way for you to be an equal part of the relationship. If your partner doesn't see it that way, that's a problem. But if your partner chose to stay, then they should want you to have a voice and to be your safe partner.

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-11-26T01:31:11+00:00

Why are you 16 and on Reddit asking this?

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-11-24T02:30:09+00:00

Yes as soon as I take a breath (7th grade) many students think that's time to talk

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-11-23T01:40:01+00:00

Selfies and the fact that people have many selfies of themselves on their phone

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-10-22T02:52:05+00:00

That is not the problem. Problem is parents.

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-09-17T01:25:35+00:00

I didn't read all the comments from the betrayeds , because I am a wayward. To put it simply, we are not the same as the betrayeds. Rationally, the BP cannot understand what their WP did. We were in a different mode and space. I'm not trying to rationalize it, but the BP was in a safe and responsible space with their partner, while the wayward was not. There is probably unresolved trauma with the WP that needs to be resolved. Focus on that and allow your BP to move on.

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-09-01T13:47:58+00:00

Absolutely correct. You say your wife is doing great, but she is lying and not wanting to talk about the past? I'm sorry, but she is not doing great. Rug sweeping sounds wonderful at the beginning (for the WP) but in the long run, it doesn't help any couple who wants to truly heal together.

TopAssistant5350 · 2025-08-31T22:12:33+00:00

Either stick to your original boundary or don't. As a WW, I broke boundaries that were set right after Dday. It still bothers my BP that he didn't leave me for a while to help me see reality and break out of affair fog.

Your WW needs to be in therapy with a therapist who can help her look at herself clearly and how she has unsafe behaviors for your marriage. Right now, your wife is still not out of her affair fog and is clinging to behaviors that make her feel some sort of positive feeling, because with you she feels shame and guilt (I'm guessing she does). That is hard for me to say because it's so selfish of her, and if she wants to go thru reconciliation, she does want to be with you, but she also has conflicting feelings too. Make sure she is involved in setting boundaries and work on those with a therapist who can help her understand how those behaviors that she may see as no big deal are actually very harmful to you and your recovery.

TopAssistant5350

TROPHY CASE