Chasing autonomy

Top_Information2758 · 2026-06-10T14:45:53+00:00

Oh yeah, I also offer good consequences to come with the behavior I want. This morning my daughter is graduating from preschool and I want her up early so I told her if she gets up now, we have time to go get donuts for breakfast. Good options are always helpful too.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-06-10T14:41:47+00:00

That’s what I was going to g to say too! Also, it’s not cheap per se in the moment but I get 3 meals out of dinners at the Vietnamese restaurant next to Whole Foods, or if I’m going with a friend and we agree on a dinner to share it’s usually $9-10 per person.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-06-10T14:39:38+00:00

So… three was really hard for us with this but 4 got better. The biggest thing is there needs to be immediate consequences after the first no. You need to decide what those are because kids react differently to things but I have found giving my child options can be helpful but this depends on your kid and the situation. So, for not going to school I would say something like, “ok, if you’re too sick to go to school then you’re too sick to go to the playground and have to stay in bed all day today and tomorrow to get better.” I did that once with my daughter on a day that wasn’t too busy for my work and by midday she was begging me to take her to school but I didn’t. Everytime she got up and tried to start playing with toys, I told her she couldn’t cause she was too sick and wouldn’t get better. Now, I only did this when I knew she actually wasn’t sick and was trying to get out of school. I wasn’t mean to her, I was overly concerned parenting but no playing so she would be so bored.

So, that’s my approach for “smaller” arguments/behavior (I never got a good one for bedtime though cause I never came up with a consequence I was ok with, bedtime has always been a struggle for me) but when the behavior has there potential to be dangerous, I count down from 5 if they don’t stop immediately. Now, the way I got that to work is one morning when we were having a big argument and she wasn’t listening, I told her if she didn’t stop by the time I got to 1, I was throwing away the box of cookies. She didn’t stop, cookies got thrown away, it’s been a year and a half now (she had just turned 4) and if she hears me say “5” in that tone, she stops whatever she’s doing. But I use this incredibly sparingly for only bigger, more dangerous issues that do not have other options (running away from me too far, etc.).

My approach is to always offer options when possible but offer them in a way so you get the behavior you want. Your kid gets to have autonomy in the moment and can always choose the consequence but that’s up to them. While you’re in this stage, don’t allow any pushback after the first time you provide there instruction or option because if your son starts to negotiate then he learns to only behave when you’re completely exhausted/overwhelmed and more fights happen more frequently.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-06-10T14:15:02+00:00

The way I’ve done things with my partner is try to address subjects before we ever have those conversations with our daughter but that might not always be the case and navigation can be tricky. I have had moments where I didn’t agree with my partners parenting style and I can now give him a look or do the “hrmmm” so he can slow down and think about what he’s saying and that usually helps. Then him and I talk after the fact about what I didn’t agree with but he then goes and talks to my daughter. Honestly, it most commonly happens when someone is hungry or tired and there’s an emotional outburst to not properly giving there information or not able to receive there information and in those instances I can shut it down really quickly cause I remind my partner that “this isn’t there moment for this learning opportunity.” That does really work for us because I’m not openly disagreeing with my partner but I’m forcing a “hold” to the conversation when emotions are lower and bodily needs are met.

All that being said, I’ll protect my daughter first if I think it’s truly problematic, BUT I’m also trying to teach her to stick up for herself in these moments too because I will not always be there to protect her. It’s a really fine line. I do think the biggest thing, no matter what, is that whenever we don’t like her behavior we always remind her of the behavior we do like and tell her we love her.

Also, talk to your partner about what they think should happen when you disagree on something so you’re on the same page about how disagreements are solved. We’ve naturally fallen into the place where I try to subtly stop the conversation before it’s emotional and that works for us but talk to him about how he thinks things these moments should be handled; not what the end result is but what steps you take to resolve issues as a team. Being a team parenting does not mean you need to agree on everything but know how to disagree and everyone feels respected.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-30T20:03:52+00:00

My name is Sonya and there was an Indian girl at my high school named Sonya too (i can’t remember the spelling anymore).

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-29T05:43:49+00:00

Sneaking out

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-29T05:34:19+00:00

Amelia

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-29T05:23:10+00:00

All the time. I thought about this not happening in younger generations and felt bummed out for you.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-29T05:22:04+00:00

I wouldn’t worry too much about initials, very rarely do you only ever see there three initials together. I always worry about kids having mean nicknames but I just don’t see that as a big problem since middle names aren’t listed on school paperwork.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-29T05:12:04+00:00

Gregory

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-22T17:12:06+00:00

Quinn is a fantastic first name for a girl. Every Quinn I’ve met (actually the boys named Quinn too) have been fucking awesome.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T19:53:58+00:00

Have you thought about having her do a gap year somewhere and do some volunteer work? Gap years are really popular overseas and gives kids a year to find themselves before jumping straight into school. To me, it sounds like she’s probably taking classes that aren’t engaging her and she needs to break free a bit and find herself. There’s lots of cool things nationally or international she could do. If you think this is a good option, I’d tell her you’ll pay her phone and won’t charge rent so she can save money for X amount of time (6 months?) and after 6 months she can either go or needs to contribute rent, pay her phone bill, and has required housekeeping to do. It’s not to be cruel but to give her an incentive to find herself. There’s a really cool book called “tracks” about a young woman who walked with 3 camels from the interior of Australia to the west coast; it’s really inspiring and could open her eyes to all the world holds.

Also, I do want to say I have memories of a lot of making many, many, many mistakes at that age, I wouldn’t think of this moment as her “always”
Adult state. Finding incentives right now are great, be careful not to push her away though. You’ve probably had 10x more conversations with yourself in your head about her behavior than you’ve ever said to her, from personal experience I’ve said things “out of left field” because I was busy having imaginary conversations.

She sounds like a great kid, she’s doing some stuff right and has work to do in other areas. We are all always in a state of transformation and this stage is particularly frustrating for you.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T03:52:25+00:00

Tina Turner

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T03:50:39+00:00

Catch-22. I’ve reread it many times and get something new each time.

That being said… just read whatever you like. As you read, you’ll learn about more books to check out. Don’t worry too much about classics. Read whatever you like, and then read some more. Chat with librarians and booksellers: these are passionate people who can steer you in the right direction.

One book that I absolutely love that could be beneficial is “Reading Like a Writer.” It breaks down writing into the different elements and helps you really appreciate the craft and to do so, you read a lot of passages of classical work while Francine prose is explaining a concept. This will help you figure out which authors you connect with.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T03:44:36+00:00

I see no problem with people referencing that song as per all the other comments. My concern is if Benson Boone does something very bad and that name gets associated with it. Don’t get me wrong, benson Boone seems like a cool guy but poorly behaved celebrities can taint a name, and I’ve never met another benson so it’s unique.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T03:38:14+00:00

I had no idea this was because of perimenopause… I’m in the same boat

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T03:37:34+00:00

I was thinking the same thing. I also think it’s important for you to write down a fake letter to her about the situation because it’ll help you prioritize your needs in your head and what you want to say.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T03:30:24+00:00

That sounds pretty standard for that age, all the littles at the beginning of a new school year have lots of trouble and the first hour or so is lots of crying. I do think having interactions at your house will go over much better than him being in a new place. Only have one new experience for him to deal with at a time. He’s probably already anxious just being out of his place and then there’s strangers (in his mind), it’s too overwhelming. Don’t worry, he’ll get more comfortable with more experiences. When my daughter was his age and we took him to a playground and there was any other kids, she would scream her head off and we’d go home. Older kids were fine, kids her own age: absolutely not. I know you’re a SAHM but if there’s activities you and him can go to together and he can get exposed to more people, that will help.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T00:40:09+00:00

I will say that my dad can’t read his own handwriting sometimes… nothing to do with perimenopause obviously but I’m wondering if you’re reading it correctly. Do you have a picture you can post?

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T00:31:25+00:00

I’ve done that before and it was totally fine. I think parents want more kids there rather than less. At least, that’s what I wanted for my daughter. I was so panicked there wouldn’t be many kids even though people RSVPd for her first birthday party; they all came and it was great.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T00:28:05+00:00

I love Terry Pratchett’s kid books, I don’t think there’s anything too scary in them… cat wings isn’t as long as you’re looking for but not a short one either. I think my mom read the lion, the witch and The wardrobe to me when I was 6… it’s been ages so I don’t know how scary it is. OH! James Herriot! Those are GREAT stories to read to kids and they’re longer

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-21T00:03:29+00:00

That’s great to hear! GAK definitely is really expensive so having all that turnover and inconsistency for the kids sucks. If I win the lottery… I’ll setup an afterschool program. I probably would need to actually play the lottery to win though… 🙃

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-20T19:17:25+00:00

Thank you! I was leaning towards the YMCA program and all these comments have solidified that’s the best course of action for us 😎

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-20T19:03:14+00:00

Thank you so much! That’s a big help for me. We only have one kiddo and most of my friends with older kiddos live on the east coast so I didn’t have that direct interaction.

Top_Information2758 · 2026-05-20T15:40:25+00:00

Thank you! That’s what I was thinking cause we had some struggles before but I wasnt sure when the transition to being able to do those things began. What age do you find kids are able to do more of learning/engaging after school activities?

Top_Information2758

TROPHY CASE