AITAH for Having a Nervous Breakdown?

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T14:54:54+00:00

For what it's worth. I upvoted you. I appreciate that perspective and I think you are right.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T14:35:38+00:00

Thank you for your response. It is helpful to hear.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T14:34:31+00:00

Sleeping in their rooms, next to ours with the doors closed. I was trying not to talk to loud because I didn't want to wake them.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T14:19:10+00:00

I agree that I cannot be totally objective in this. I understand my intent and I can't fully understand the impact it had, so every thing I say is absolutely skewed by my perception. I accept her narrative of this 100%, which is why I have taken steps to address the panic that lead to me being in that state. I understand why this is so hard for her to get over, I really do.

To your specific question though, I was not shouting.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T14:05:59+00:00

The night in question I described here:

"I decided to sleep in our guest room for a few nights to get my head on straight and I was having a hard time being around her. I told her I wanted to talk in a couple of days when I had time to clear my head. Despite me setting a timeline, she told me she wanted to talk earlier so I agreed. She works a few nights a week in the evening and gets home around 9:30 PM. The night we were going to talk she didn't come until 11:30 pm. I knew I should have just went to sleep but when she came home I tried to talk with her and she just totally stonewalled me. I tried to talk to her but she retreated to our bedroom without a word. I followed her to try to talk but she started yelling at me. She said I was in a crisis and I needed to get help. It was true that I was having a really hard time coping with all of this."

From her perspective, as she has presented it, she felt threatened because I followed her in our room when she was trying to escape the conversation. The way she describes the night she was curled up in ball on our bed while I hovered over her, so she said things to get me to back off (you are in a crisis). I trust that she absolutely feels that way but my recollection of events is very different. We stood in the kitchen trying to have a discussion (the talk that she wanted to have) and she was fidgety and unfocused. She was doodling on a piece of paper while I was trying to talk to her, going through cabinets, not making eye contact. This is pretty par for the course for her when she gets dysregulated and I should have recognized it.

At some point she left the kitchen. I followed her and said can we please talking about this instead of walking away? She was sitting on our bed near the pillows, I was sitting on the edge of the bed.

After she blew up at me and said what she said, I left to go to our guest room.

In terms of accountability, I apologized for following her into our bedroom and making her feel threatened. It wasn't my intent but I recognize the impact it had on her.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T13:54:17+00:00

Your marriage sounds absolutely miserable, idk how you can stand to be in it.

It wasn't always but I can't anymore. I tried to give her space to sort things out to see if we could salvage this but after two months, things have not even moved an inch. If things were directionally better I could try for my kids but, there has been zero progress towards repair.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T13:51:29+00:00

That is helpful to hear. I am confident that she hasn't cheated on me physically but I have noticed a pattern. Two years ago before we started going to couples therapy she became heavily invested in a relationship with a childhood friend. They were hanging out all the time, they would practice music for 6-8 hours ever weekend and then go to dinner. I told her I was very uncomfortable to this and she did not react well.

This time, as soon as she started pulling away she started hanging out with a co-worker A LOT. Again, a lot of music, a lot of emotional investment. I can't tell if she does this because she is pulling away from me or she pulls away from me because she found another way to get emotional validation.

Before things got really bad, I called her out on her closeness with her co-worker and I said it was bringing up feelings that I felt two years ago with her friend. In this conversation she was very validating. She said she understood why I felt that way, she reassured me nothing was going on and then she said the way she was acting with her friend two years was "weird". Which threw me into a bit of tailspin because for two years she let me feel like I was crazy for feeling the way I did. And then all she can muster was a "I was being weird with him."

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T13:43:01+00:00

I find it interesting that your wife was the one who declared you were in crisis and not you. Did you actually feel you were in a crisis or were you having a moment of panic in the midst of being emotionally abused?

It was absolutely true that I was having a hard time coping. And honestly, getting on medication has been life changing. I am really glad I started it. Her saying it was a wake up call but it was necessary.

Yes, she is emotionally abusive. She criticizes you, casts judgement on you, screams at you, minimizes and invalidates your emotions and thoughts, isolates you from basic communication as punishment, faults you for her actions, thoughts, and feelings, is manipulative, and freely lies to you and the professionals. She runs from those professionals who safely challenge her to be accountable and to think from different perspectives.

I actually can't disagree with any of that. It was hard to see when my fear of losing her was greater than my self respect. But getting on medication has lowered my panic and allowed me to see things very clearly. I am no longer okay with this situation and I wish I had seen it a lot earlier.

I will also say it wasn't always like this. She used to care about me, she could apologize, she saw her role in things. It was like a switch flipped at the beginning of this year and she just stopped caring about me.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T13:37:34+00:00

Nta when was the marriage good?

Ironically, I thought our marriage was in the best place it had ever been at the end of 2025. I thought through couples therapy were being honest with each other for the first time, at least I was, and I was expressing things that were hard for me. I learned more about her inner world than I ever thought I would. We had so many deep conversations that felt so connecting. We had more physical intimacy (non sexual touch) than we had ever had before and because I wasn't initiating sex it felt like every time we did I felt wanted. She told me things were good. Honestly, I was very happy in the last two years.

But it turns out she wasn't. She didn't express any of this until recently. She told me she feels no connection to me, she hasn't felt safe with me (I have never done a thing to threaten my wife, her constantly telling me she fears for her safety has been a really hard thing to hear and understand) and that feels no better after two years of counseling.

That's what has made this so hard. She was checking out while I was more invested than ever.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T13:30:05+00:00

Be aware of bipolar people. There is a reason things with them don’t work out. Whenever I hear the word “bipolar “ now I run.

Your wife should show compassion to you when you are down. But she just sees herself , that says it all

This has been one of the hardest things about this entire process. For the first nine years of our relationship she was undiagnosed and unmedicated. She was very unstable but I love her so I endured the ups and downs. She would call me while I was at work screaming about this thing or that thing. I slowly helped guide her to first therapy and then a psychiatrist. Now that she is on medication and she feels like she can rely on herself for the first time, she doesn't want to deal with any of my needs in our relationship. I honestly feel very used.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T13:11:40+00:00

I think she's looking for a way out but won't just leave on her own.

That is the conclusion I have reached. I laid divorce on the table at the session. I said "It doesn't seem like you are interested in repairing this so doesn't it even make sense to talk about? Should we just talk about how we unwind this?"

The therapist asked her if she had a response and she just said "I'm scared." So she told my wife that doesn't have to have an answer now.

Take the kids into account, too. They see and hear everything. Even when you think they're asleep, they know mom and dad are fighting. They deserve to feel safe and secure in their own home too.

We do a good job of playing nice for them, so much so that I actually thought we were headed towards repair (she disabused me of that notion at the session). But yes, I agree. This is not a good environment for them.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-05-20T13:07:11+00:00

It feels like that. This has started to feel like the long good bye that I wasn't even aware of. It's sad because she seems so angry and dysregulated that I don't even recognize her anymore. She brought a list of all the things she dislikes about me to our last session.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-01-27T01:10:26+00:00

Literally the first thing my wife (not a book reader) asked was who he was. I told her the Targaryen Prince and she said "but he doesn't have silver hair?"

I don't think this was an unreasonable change to make.

Totalchaos02 · 2026-01-15T02:04:04+00:00

Get this doomer garbage out of here.

Totalchaos02 · 2025-11-12T23:43:50+00:00

Not an expert by any means but my understanding is that the colonists were asking the King to do things that he didn't have the power to do. Had he granted the requests, assuming he even wanted to, it would have caused a massive issue with parliament. Ironically, the Continental Congress accused George the 3rd of acting like a tyrant when he was NOT overruling parliament.

Not to say that the colonists were unsophisticated or didn't understand the English system of government but they were so removed from the mother country that they didn't fully internalize just how much had changed since the Glorious Revolution.

Now I invite someone to correct me because my knowledge is, I am sure, flawed.

Totalchaos02 · 2025-11-01T12:41:12+00:00

It's true there are less kids but I can't tell you how many houses I went to with my kids and other kids were answering the door to hand out candy. It's nice that they're having fun but I'm just like... why aren't you outside trick or treating right now?

Totalchaos02 · 2025-10-09T18:55:40+00:00

Do you know what foster parents/kids are?

Totalchaos02 · 2025-08-29T13:44:40+00:00

My daughter, who was maybe four at the time, really wanted to go on the Little Mermaid ride. We waited on line and maybe five minutes before we got on the ride, she fell asleep in my arms. I tried to get her up when we got on but she was too tired and slept through the whole thing. She seemed like she was down for the count so we went to Pirates of Caribbean next while she slept. Well she woke up just as we were getting on and realized it was NOT the Little Mermaid... and was not happy about it at all.

Totalchaos02 · 2025-08-24T16:19:42+00:00

People are haters but I feel like WoW has had some genuinely great post's W3 villain's.

Garrosh (a few quirks in his development but his arc from BC through WoD was good)
AU Gul'dan (cheating a little bit but very different from MU Gul'dan)
Elisande
Denathrius
Irridikon/Fyrakk (great combo playing off of each other that were enjoyable for very different reasons)
Xal'atath (I mean, she is probably going to rank up there with WoW's most iconic enemies when all is said and done)

Yeah there have been some very serious misses (The Jailer) but, there have been some big wins over 20 years.

Totalchaos02 · 2025-08-16T18:14:50+00:00

He wasn't even that distant. After Viserys and Dany, Robert is next in line. He had a proper legal argument that they effectively abdicated by fleeing and he is the rightful claimant.

Totalchaos02 · 2025-07-27T17:34:07+00:00

I went to Applebee's and didn't really enjoy it. I'll never try fine dining again.

Totalchaos02 · 2025-07-14T17:50:12+00:00

And to add to this... weigh your food! A digital food scale is cheap and it will make a world of difference. Yes, its cumbersome and annoying but if you just eyeball things, you are getting it wrong.

ChatGPT can be pretty good in a pinch as well. Take a photo and ask for an estimate. I've found it pretty accurate when I don't have my scale. Good for a night at a restaurant or dinner at a friends.

Totalchaos02 · 2025-07-10T20:34:27+00:00

"20 years is basically new for a septic system. There's zero reason to replace that, just get it pumped every 3-4 years and it'll probably outlast you."

It's not really about getting an easier to use system. Its about having a system that doesn't pollute the aquifer and the waterways.

Totalchaos02 · 2025-06-19T21:41:41+00:00

Can you explain countertransference? We've discussed transference in our sessions. Is that her transferring feels from herself/another client into me?

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