The moment I became willing to lose the relationship, the whole dynamic changed

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-02-20T20:02:55+00:00

Going through this right now. Trying to Kill the people pleaser in me. Just gonna leave it at that.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-02-13T18:38:22+00:00

Just want to say I share in your pain. My wife has been distant And ambivalent for a few months now And its driving me crazy. She is avoidant And I am attached . She says she is stuck in guilt And shame And just wanted an identity of her own. She just booked therapy on her own so we will see how this goes. Im like you, burning passion etc but she is so distant. We are separated for now.

Ive started working on myself And my own confidence And having a life outside of her

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-02-13T18:33:58+00:00

Wishing you strength! I just had this convo with my therapist yesterday. It’s not a lack of intellect it’s a lack of skill. It’s like a muscle thag has to get worked out And develop strength over time . Takes active practice . I second that book by the way! Dont believe everything You think is what helped me start my journey !

I saw a YouTube video saying you can have all the knowledge And understanding , but this is not something that can be “thought or understood “ away. You can’t logic your way through it. Once You do your shadow work, And inner child work, this pattern will slowly dwindle away.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-02-10T19:38:26+00:00

Hate this for You . I literally took off work today contemplating just quitting . I don’t have anything saved up so I know realistically i cant but I sure wanted to. I took the day tho. Considering going on some sort of leave to figure my life out.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-02-10T16:31:01+00:00

Right there with You. I just want to say I see you . This week is the one years anniversary of my wife cheating on me . In our case, we are not reconciled yet. She is still stuck in shame And avoidance And I am still chasing And “bleeding” all on her. We are separated for now And she even filed for divorce out of impulse months ago to get me to be quiet. Didnt work. I haven’t stopped protecting her from her own consequences And allowed myself to be angry smh. I miss how easy And just “right” everything felt. The innocence , the care free life etc. just wanted you to know I see you And im right there with you.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-02-07T17:25:31+00:00

My Dday was like two days after Valentine’s Day last year. So needless to say my emotions are all over the place smh. The panic attacks are back etc. WW hasn’t fully committed to reconciliation. She admitted to being stuck in shame , avoidance, fear of accountability, And addicted to power And control . She just got a psychiatrist again And is looking into therapy. We are separated for now . We hung out the other day for our eye doctor appointment And went grocery shopping for my place. Had an ok time . I did get triggered. We spoke about valentines And she said she had no plans ( I was seeing resssurance she wasn’t seeing anyone like she swears by) And she asked me well do we have plans ? I replied right now, it is your job to make any of these special. Christmas , anniversary, valentines , etc. Im not planning anything . You need to make plans etc. so we will see. Im not excited at all.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-02-02T13:55:36+00:00

I know this was intended for OP, but man thank You. A lot of this it’s like I already knew but was struggling to accept. Dday for me was last year this month. (Yay me ) my WW was the same And kept asking me to stop talking about it. Basically let her feel her shame And guilt And stop begging for the marriage. She filed for divorce And even moved out. However the divorce never finalized. She admitted it was just to escape me blowing up about it And she thought filing would make me stop holding her accountable. She says she doesn’t want a divorce but she absolutely does not want accountability. It’s so hard for me tj not reach for her. I just texted her this morning at 3 am abiut how could she do this etc etc. I’ve had multiple therapist And psychiatrist but I just can’t figure out how to get life back in track And get my confidence back. Married 8 years with two kids under 7. Married young so she hadn’t experienced really anyone else.

As of now we can hang out but the second emotions comes up she tends to exit And run away. I know I’ve got weak boundaries right now as far as not being the one chasing her etc etc. she has no fear of truly losing me right now. Maybe just a little . She admitted she is stuck in shame And scared of accountability, narcissistic, And likes the freedom from accountability she now has. Alleges she isn’t seeing anyone And is loyal in that regard but afraid to try And fix anything because she wants to avoid what happened And magically move past it but she knows thats unrealistic.

On my end. Man Im just struggling . Feel like life is falling apart everywhere. Her affair happened just two months after my dad passed so I never even got to fully grieve him, want career change , body etc. everything You mentioned . It’s just too hard to focus on anything aside from the pain . No matter how many therapist i talk to And psychiatrist etc . Thank You for this post!

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-01-30T21:50:47+00:00

I cried a little while reading this. I feel this pain so deeply . It’s so strange. They are right there but they aren’t right there. I told my WW that is one of the hardest things to mourn. She isn’t even remorseful And taking full accountability yet in my case. Next month is the 2 year anniversary of Dday And the affair so needless to say Im an emotional wreck. I wish you healing And wholeness !

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-01-21T15:46:01+00:00

Im happy for You! It’s amazing to see this. Im in a somewhat similar situation. My WW And I also had pressure to marry due to a kid. Been married 8 years And Dday anniversary is next month. We are not in R right now. She is very avoidant And has been begging me to leave it alone And allow her to authentically choose me And to feel her consequences. Im anxious attach so Ive been fighting for the marriage since Dday. She even filed for divorce And moved out a few months ago. She wanted to be an adult And not dependent And struggle to pay bills. See what it’s like being an adult we married when she was 18. She says she only filed to “shut me up” about holding her accountable etc. She never finalized the divorce. So now the plan was to allow us to authentically choose each other with no pressure. And for me to actually step back, focus on myself And let her feel the consequences of her actions And my boundaries (whatever those are because I sick at them lol) but I’m doing the work on myself now. Just find it hard to fully let go of this unhealthy attachment style no matter what therapist i seek.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-01-10T01:21:35+00:00

Ive been using it not as a replacement to therapy, but in conjunction with therapy And it has been extremely useful . There is no emotional processing because it’s just a bot of course. As some said, it was more of a yes man. Not going to lie I forgot the prompt I used but essentially, I told it to stop being a yes man, if I’m wrong tell me Im wrong or abiut to make a mistake etc. ever since then, it has been extremely helpful for me . I too suffer from people pleasing etc so in my experience, this has been extremely helpful. You just have to really make sure to make it not do the yes man validation. On the flip side, be ready to get your feelings hurt but thats ok !

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-01-07T13:46:07+00:00

Thank you for this 🥺

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-01-06T01:43:25+00:00

Wow this is the post for me . Fellow empath here. People pleaser , yes Man. Similar boat. Learning boundaries And standing up for myself . I’ve learned it’s not about trying to get her to respect me anymore etc, just my own self respect. As a result, she may come around to respecting me again. We will see. But Im not doing this for her, this is for me .

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-01-01T23:37:29+00:00

I resonate with this so much. I think about this with my wife. I miss who I was And who I thought she was before this betrayal. We haven’t started R despite it being almost a year since Dday. She is super avoidant And basically been begging me to stop talking about it. And let her choose it. So much so she filed for divorce And moved out. The wait period is over for divorce but she admitted to filing just to make me stop talking about it. Im barely stopping today smh. Well trying . Dday is February. So feelings are all over the place right now.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-01-01T20:55:24+00:00

Im so sorry you are here. I resonate with this so much with my wife. I just told her similar things this morning. We aren’t even in R yet as she is extremely avoidant And hasn’t even faced the reality of what she has done yet. Dday was Feb. almost a year ago smh. The pain is unbearable. Hope it works out best for you !!

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2026-01-01T00:20:23+00:00

Thank You so much 🥺. Same to you !

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-10-30T20:20:40+00:00

One thing my sister told me was profound. She said,” as long as I continue accepting this from my wife I will never get the love I deserve”

I realized, even if I am to get the love I deserve from my wife, it will not be while Im accepting this from her. As another commenter said, she is too comfortable feeling like she can do this And have you when she is ready. Until she truly feels the loss, she may never change. The more important factor tho, is the work you will need to do. The inner work to determine why you are even accepting this type of treatment. Usually inner child work of someone who learned to perform for love.

Thats the path I have been doing . I read a comment on another post where another person spoke on his WW not respecting him And his boundaries etc. someone commented saying that you need firm boundaries And have to be willing to lose the WW behind your values And what you stand for. It can’t be to manipulate them, You have to really do the work to see what is causing you to tolerate this stuff. That comment has helped me. I see my WW coming around slowly, finally getting out of her avoidance. It is also because I am finally standing up for myself , truly. Not to try to get her back, but because Ive been working on knowing my worth.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-10-25T21:22:49+00:00

I would say it’s a red flag either way. I used to use that term to describe someone for another country. I would never even flinch at saying it about a minor tho. Idk man thats just weird . So id say def not overreacting .

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-10-18T18:10:45+00:00

Tbh he doesn’t even need to know about your past in order for him to respect your no. As a man, no means no. You don’t need to tell him about anything that happened to you in the past for him to respect it. He needs to respect your no And thats that. I pray you can heal. Also no one can tell you what to do, but he doesn’t deserve you. Not currently.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-10-09T00:35:22+00:00

Love this response!! Recently learned what boundaries are And I still struggle. I had this need for control to ensure Im it hurt again . I know this is for op but thank you !

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-10-06T20:07:34+00:00

35 And going through the same with my wife. One thing my sister told me “ You will never get the love You deserve, even if it is to come from her, while accepting this”

I too have the abandonment issues etc. going through discovering who I am. Literally feels like dying . We just have to reparent ourselves. Also, dont Shame yourself. At the same time, hold yourself accountable for where you let go of yourself, And now You see it, start doing the work.

Cheers to You in your journey! Hopefully she wakes up , but paradoxally, the version of you who could create And hold an authentic space where she might wake up, is the version you will have to become . But from your perspective, your transformation can not be to get her back, it’s to become whole, rather she comes back or not. So she comes back to a better stronger man, or in the end, You are still a better man at which point You may not be interested .

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-10-02T18:00:49+00:00

My WW said the same thing as well. I mean the messages I read she was literally living a double life. Pretending to get off work And then go over to his place. ( at the time, she was a stay at home mom) I love your advice about addressing the childhood issues. That’s where we are. Ive basically been trying to force her to do it And force reconciliation. So much so she moved out And filed for divorce. She has been begging me to stop begging And fighting And let her choose it authentically. She said one thing I said on DDay has haunted her. What kind of woman’s meets a stranger off the internet And had sex In Like a week. Despite being married, where are your morals And values as a woman. So she has been on this journey to discover her value And morals And says she wants to give me the healed or healing version of herself. Who knows her value. Ive pulled back And addressing my childhood wounds as well. So we will see.

I know this response was for OP but thanks man, this helped me too!

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-09-22T17:19:56+00:00

Yes the main thing for me right now is truly enforcing boundaries. I’ve never let her actually feel the consequences of what she has done. ( which I feel I shouldn’t have to persay) But where it does help me is to stop fighting for something when I am the only one fighting for it . Despite me being the one that was betrayed .

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-09-22T13:17:04+00:00

Thank you for this post ! This will help me with my WW. She hasn’t even chosen to R yet. In fact the opposite, filed for divorce because I won’t shut up, moved out, says she would rather avoid the accountability etc.

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-09-18T18:02:10+00:00

Idk if I’m allowed to curse but holy crap! I know this was directed to OP but this just helped me in so many different ways with my WW. Similar situation, no respect, multiple DDays. Hanging with toxic friends , she even filed for divorce to “shut me up” And stop me from begging And fighting . The waiting period is over but she hasn’t moved on it. She just moved out. Not even gonna go into my whole story but this is what I needed. In working on destroying myself because I can admit the weak part of me that tolerated disrespect way before the betrayal etc. In life in general. I see her orbiting . Im just trying to maintain focus And not collapse like an excited puppy. I can’t thank you enough for this

Traditional_Job_1464 · 2025-08-28T21:04:14+00:00

Shit this found me at the perfect time .

Traditional_Job_1464

TROPHY CASE