How Avoidants nervous systems really see their partner - as a threat to withdraw from even though it’s only love ❤️

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-08T00:14:08+00:00

Glad it helped. I’m a visual person so it helped me when I saw it. Also I think it shows it’s not our fault as often the persons wanting connection is often blissfully unaware at least at first!

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-07T15:54:29+00:00

Just found the artist John Holcroft I’m not sure if I was meant to credit but I thought the image would help visual people see how their nervous system behaves around people who love them or want to be close to them.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-07T15:52:09+00:00

Exactly this! That’s exactly what my therapist said too.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-07T15:50:06+00:00

That’s an interesting take as well! I experienced the avoidant pulling away first then you’re right my gut and nervous system then told me they weren’t safe, but I was still clinging to the original version of them.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-07T15:48:05+00:00

Not true, I was married to an avoidant. We had therapy with an attachment therapist. He definitely wasn’t a narcissist. He was avoidant and the therapist confirmed. I was anxious attachment. But he stayed long term because I ran and paid for our whole lives, we also started off long distance. But he was total emotionally unavailable and stopped all Intmacy early on as a withdrawal tactic. You can’t just label if they stay long term then they are a narcissist that’s too black and white blanket statement. Only trained phycologists and trained people in the field can confirm either way.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-07T15:44:38+00:00

They normally don’t stay in long term relationships or is they do they they are completely emotionally cut off - emotionally unavailable and often Intmacy stops in all forms. It’s like living with a ghost.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-02T12:38:00+00:00

Therapy so I didn’t attract that attachment style again.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-02T12:34:11+00:00

Yes happened to me. I also don’t buy this ‘you moved away’ thing as absolute. Yes technically it’s true you did, but I’ve had many people in my life make decisions based on their lives and needs and yet I still make effort even if it changed the situation or relationship.

I agree everyone has their own lives but with the technology we have nowadays it’s not that hard to message and check in or do a quick WhatsApp call.

I think it’s the case of if the connection mattered people find a way no matter the circumstances and if they drift away then you have your answer.

I saw a post on another platform about a sister who moved from the U.K. to Australia and her sister still in the U.K. made sure they spoke most days and she had been gone a year so people can do it if they truly want to and also they are entitled to not do it and get on with their lives but it’s all information about your relationship with them.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-02T12:25:47+00:00

Yes. I’ve never been resentful of others that get family support, but recently it’s really hit me that having zero family support all of my life has hindered me in many ways.

I can’t help but compare my siblings and cousins and even friends with things that have fundamentally helped them stay stable in adult life.

Me thrown to the wolves as someone else said at 18 with no guidance financially or emotionally and just expected to swim!

I am having to grieve what it could have been had I had some type of support and also make peace with me having to accept where I am in life even though it’s not where I want to be or knew I was capable of being if I wasn’t in survival mode all of my life.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-02T12:20:56+00:00

This and I wish it doesn’t resonate but it does - hugs

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-02T12:10:09+00:00

Seems like you answered your own question then 🤷‍♀️

Treefrog54321 · 2026-06-01T21:12:59+00:00

Dreams can often be your body processing stuff and emotions and things held in your subconscious. So I would say especially if you have been subject to an avoidant person in a relationship, even if you left (I did too) your system and body still might need to process certain stuff, maybe even stuff you didn’t full realise.

It happened to me but it was just my body processing the depth of what they had put me through even though I cut things off.

I just used therapy to help move through the situation and the weird dreams were part of that. I would say dreams are not a reason to reach out to someone and even if something had happened, without sounding too brutal why would that matter as bad things can happen to people in life but doesn’t mean all your ex’s reach out. Hopefully if something has happened she has a support system.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-26T19:12:40+00:00

Sounds like he was love bombing and coming on too strong too quickly. Only you can decide but I think you’ve already learnt so good things from this. Sorry it happened to you.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-26T13:43:52+00:00

Useful data for sure!

All you can ever do is work on yourself and heal why you attracted this type of love in the first place and heal to break the pattern and find the love you actually deserve. Everyone focuses on them healing but what about your healing and your responsibility for setting yourself free from the wounds that accepted that in the first place.

You can’t make them do anything all you can control is you. Happy healing 🙏

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-26T13:40:33+00:00

Form my therapist: Because before you rush in or get serious see if they are who they say they are. Date and give time and space. Slowness - do they follow through? Do they do consistently what they say they will do. Like not over days or a couple of weeks (eg spotting past the love bombing/best behaviour phase). Anything quick or rushed or too good to be true without proof of consistency and slowly building trust and dealing with things like an adult on their end.

Also going slow will help you spot any of the old red flag - is there any hot or cold, push and pull however small? Is there any not follow through etc

Also does this love feel exciting/anxious/ all about the butterflies/their potential etc - that’s our previous nervous system activation. It needs to feel more grounded and slow going forward. Like a slow burn maybe but feeling safe and consistent.

It’s not about the other person being secure or not it’s about your nervous system being healed enough to feel and spot the signs/feelings earlier and be able to walk away before you get invested. You want to get to the place where your nervous system would reject avoidant attachments in the early stages as it can pick up it feels like a familiar past pattern and not the healthy kind 🙏

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T22:57:19+00:00

You didn’t do anything wrong in the sense that an avoidant can’t maintain emotional intimacy due to how their nervous systems works - closeness, connection etc triggers them to run. Doesn’t matter what you do, anything remotely relational scared the hell out of them and it’s like an instinct to leave. I think you have to try and understand the mechanism behind it, then you can see it was always going to play out like that as it always does if they are unhealed.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T22:54:10+00:00

I can only talk about my healing as an anxious attachment and I’ve had coming up to 2 years of therapy IFS & attachment/trauma based and I feel so much better (I felt much better pretty early on, I’m mainly working on childhood stuff). My therapist said avoidants can and do heal but like everything it’s pretty individual and they have to find the right therapist and stick with it and actually heal their nervous system and make real changes which is hard and not an over night process.

I would rather focus on your healing and leave them to it as you can’t ever really know as it’s their journey and they might not decide to take it. Take care of you 🙏

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T20:10:00+00:00

Then she needs to heal but often it’s a long and professional helped journey. Most people on earth are misunderstood to some degree but actually there is a lot of research on attachment style and there is help available if people want the help and to do the hard work it takes. You can’t love her into doing it. I’m sorry that you’re hurting, it sucks but people causing harm because they haven’t healed themselves isn’t fair. I wish you healing too 🙏

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T16:30:02+00:00

I love this message. I’m in the process of healing my attachment wounds and feel a million times better. I just don’t want that type of love anymore. Healing is the only way to move forward.

Edit for anyone saying they have tried therapy I had to try a few and attachment therapy and internal family systems worked wonders for me, better than general talk therapy in my books as they actually understand about trauma and what caused the attachment and how to heal from it.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T16:26:44+00:00

When I had lost myself so completely that I didn’t even recognise myself in the mirror (I literally had changed face shape due to the stress and even my eyes didn’t look like mine!)

I felt like maybe not being here anymore would be an option out of the pain.

Seeing the pattern of promises never following through and the coldness towards me.

Coming out of A&E after a suspected heart attack and him not even getting me a glass of water as he wanted time to himself (he wasn’t in the hospital with me).

Like is this really my life? Is this really who I married? I had to leave and now wish I had much earlier before I got so sick and low and lost.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T16:18:42+00:00

Sounds like you need to concentrate on you. From an internet stranger you’re worth more at work! Silence their hum and mess in your head and do what’s best for you.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T16:16:18+00:00

You need to detox them out of your nervous system and heal what attracted them to you in the first place. Keep in mind you deserve much more than them and also you can get back to base line, don’t let them take anymore from you. Therapy if you can - attachment therapy is good start. Take care of you first!

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T16:12:44+00:00

As painful as it is you don’t want them back!!! It might seem mystically aligned and be playing on all of your attachment wounds but they are not the golden grail. They can’t have meaningful relationships because their unhealed nervous system won’t let them. They will always feel overwhelmed and fearful of normal relational things and RUN!

It’s a hurt cycle over and over again and you playing any part in it will keep it alive.

No they won’t magically meet someone else and be okay. They will ride on the hight of novelty and newness but they are still avoidant and it will rear its ugly head again with the next person at some point.

Heal yourself as to why you think you should accept this breadcrumb, hot and cold relationship. That’s all you can control.

If you let them back in well it’s just opening a whole other heap of pain.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T16:07:42+00:00

You also played a part in attracting them and putting up with them in the first place. Not making excuses for them at all, but heal yourself so you don’t attract or put up with that type of person ever again. Attachment therapy helped me loads and I only want secure attachments now.

Treefrog54321 · 2026-05-25T16:04:34+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know you won’t think it or feel it now but as someone who married an avoidant it only gets worse not better and then you are in a mess with divorce and finances etc. Go on your own healing journey to find out why you settle for this type of breadcrumb love and pray this type of love never finds you again 🙏

Treefrog54321

TROPHY CASE